Rainy Saturday

It promised to be dark and dreary with multiple sporadic downpours. We were not disappointed.

I met my friend Dan for coffee at Starbucks. He vacationed in Italy in June and had some photos to show me. It was 8:30 am. We ordered coffee and settled in at a table near the windows when the sky opened up and the rain poured down. An hour later we walked out through a light sprinkle. It was a nice meeting.

I texted my friend Rachael whose baby is in my infant room two days a week, and drove through a downpour (or two) to meet her at Panera Bread. We discovered we were both reading the same book by Rachel Held Evans. We had a great conversation and ran into a former work grandma, "Nana," and her two grandsons. Her now six year old grandson Jonah was so attached to me 5 years ago that he would cry whenever I left the room. (Love that boy!) We discovered that Rachael has been attending the same church as Nana and her family. This is good because Rachael and her family are somewhat new in town and she works remotely for Wheaton College . In her college days she ran with my friend Heather's former daughter in law. (It's a small world.) This was a nice meeting too.

I had a slight headache and took a nap upon returning home. I drank a small amount of cheap red wine on Friday evening and am learning that red wine does not make me feel fine...After a rest and lots of water, I felt better.

Hannah and went to Wegmans, I finished my laundry, played Tangled Snakes on my phone with Idris, and made both a jello and two lemon meringue pies for a Sunday picnic in the park. (We're practicing up on family gatherings for when my kids meet their long lost uncle... Did I tell you about that? He was supposed to come this past week but the visit was postponed due to illness.)

It was a wonderfully productive/interactive day. I am smiling. And my sheets are freshly washed, so there's that too. LOL!

Something New

Something new is on the horizon and it is not another grandchild. Two weeks ago I was given a shove which set me into action. I can make changes when I am pushed right up to (and sometimes over... Okay, more often than not it's over...) the edge. Details will be given when I know what they exactly what they are. At the moment they are still possibilities, but doesn't every great act start that way?

 

I've been to the lake several times this week. You might think I'd run out of photo opportunities, but so far I haven't. There's always something at which to point my camera. I didn't stay long this evening and I didn't put my feet into the water. The break wall was wet and the bugs were biting, so I walked the shore, took a few shots, and headed back toward home.

A Beautiful Weekend

It's been an absolutely beautiful weekend. Lots of sunshine, warm temperatures, and fresh air. I stopped to see Bethany for a hug and a visit on Saturday morning, caught up with my friend Laura a little after noon, and made a long lake visit in the evening, In between I did my laundry and took a nap on the futon.
 

I stayed at the lake extra long last night. I sat on a bench and read a couple chapters in my book, walked down to the old break wall, and then sat on the newer break wall, put my bare feet in the water, and read some more of my book. 

Today I went to Seabreeze Amusement Park with my family. We squeezed into one car rather than take two. It was a tight fit and reminded me of the circus trick where the clowns keep piling out of a miniature car. We rode the rides, played in the water and soaked in the sunshine. A thunderstorm skirted the edge of the park and we got a little rain, just a little, and then we rode a few more rides. I think we hit the best of them. If I get on the Jack Rabbit, The Bobsleds, and the Log Ride, it's been a successful Seabreeze trip. Today's was more than successful! 

There is nothing better for turbulent thoughts than sunshine, fresh air, nature and water. This evening my heart is full and settled.  

They Come in Threes

The past week and a half have been nothing short of a challenge in the relationship department. The debacle at work has been swept under the rug by everyone involved. No apologies offered, and I have yet to call my boss out on her betrayal. However, her actions given me the knowledge (again) that she is less than trustworthy. This has also been the final push toward actively pursuing alternative employment. There are daycare centers much closer to home, even walking distance. 

A couple of family situations have arisen (or re arisen) as well. I am learning how to speak my heart and mind which is often met with surprise or defense. It is my hope to let my perspectives be known without being angry or defensive myself, and to hear without judgement as well. This, unfortunately, takes practice and I haven't always been able to execute the skill without appearing somewhat abrasive. I hope those who love me will be patient as I try.

Ugh

Last week started out with a trip to the Corn Hill Art Festival with my friend and neighbor, Beth. Although I have known her all her life, and she has been our neighbor for much of it (they moved in down the street with the help of my parents and other church friends when she was a baby), we had never done anything together. It was a very enjoyable afternoon and I'm sure we'll catch up again for another outing.

Wednesday was a mentally exhausting day in the baby room. Me and four Littles; my 15 month old twins, a very precocious 8 month old, and an angry screaming, lagging behind in mobility 7 month old. By the end of the day I could feel my blood pressure rising, but another issue was about to send me into a downward spiral, one I didn't see coming.

In May I asked someone to help me with my attic bedroom renovations. That came back to bite me when another individual was told I was "hanging around" with said attic renovator. We "hung out" for one day. He helped me with a job, we got subs together, and it was a pleasant day. It was a good day and a painful day, a painful reminder of why I fell in love with him and what I miss so much. It was healing because it gave me hope that I can be in his presence and not want to run away and hide, and it helped me strengthen the boundary I need to maintain even though I desperately wish it didn't need to be this way. It also made my daughter feel terribly uncomfortable and unsafe. One son told me it "wasn't the wisest choice." 

Without going into detail, I'll simply say I didn't see the controversy coming and it knocked the wind right out of me. Not only did I feel betrayed by the teller of the tale, but it affected my daughter and little grandson as well. (It never ends...) I felt defensive, guilty, and full of shame, and yet I hadn't done anything "wrong." Because this involved both work and home, I went to talk to the daycare owner at her house. Then I called out of work at 5 am Thursday after a sleepless night. I struggled through Thursday with swollen, baggy eyes, relentless tears, and a feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. In a desperate attempt to find comfort, I took a ride to the cemetery and sat by my parents' grave. I went home in a horrific rainstorm, turned on the air conditioner in my yet unfinished attic bedroom and took a nap on the cot I set up there. I went to the lake in the afternoon where the crashing waves finally settled the fight/fight response that had plagued me since Wednesday evening. At 6 o'clock I walked to the village with my daughters to watch the Firemen's Parade and found one of my little daycare friends, a three year old named Westley, who put a little bit of hope back into my breaking heart.

Thankfully, the helpless, hopeless feelings have dissipated. My heart is more settled than it was, and I'm not feeling like I want to run far, far away. I'm working on my resume and looking (again) into different employment opportunities. There are many reasons for this, one of which is the number of miles I've put on my car in the last two years. The past week's experience has simply given me another push, a push I need but really don't like.

Yesterday I took a drive to Canandaigua to visit my sister Priscilla. It was a lovely afternoon. Today we're having a birthday celebration in Hannah's honor. It's raining. I'm planning to get my feet wet!

A Proposition

 I propose we celebrate Independence Day like we celebrate Memorial  and Labor Days, except instead of  it being on a Monday, it should always be observed on the first Friday of July, thus enabling those of us who rise early for work to enjoy the festivities, including fireworks displays. It may never happen, but that is my proposal. I vote for long, holiday weekends rather than confused minds and bodies.

That said, we had a very nice 4th of July, aside from me desperately wanting it to be Saturday. Ha ha!

A Hole in One

The most difficult thing about being alone (and sometimes being married as well) is not knowing how to fill "The Hole." It appears unexpectedly tender on a Saturday morning when I have no weekend plans, or bleeding when the house is suddenly empty and I find myself alone... A huge part of healing, I have been told, is in knowing how to be alone, but I strongly suspect that even those who savor their times of solitude also look for company.

I know all about the "Jesus shaped hole" that is supposed to be filled by having a relationship with Him, but God created us to need/desire companionship. He meant for His creation to experience community. It wasn't good for Adam to be alone in the garden and he had a God from Whose Presence he had not yet fallen. All the prayer and Bible reading (if I was doing it) don't put those people in our lives. It would be nice if God would plunk the perfect person in our lap, but the truth is that doesn't happen. Only imperfect friends/companions exist and we have to go out and find them.

I will be blatantly honest, I'm not so sure church is the best place to find a partner... It's an absolutely splendid place to look for the unsuspecting if one is an abuser, controller, manipulator, predator, or any other kind of creep. This does not, of course, make everyone there any of these things. One could also be be kind, loving, generous, and Christ-like. It's just hard to tell the difference. Heck, I have a hard time telling the difference when I know what people are actually like. And in all honesty, I don't want to believe people I know and love put on "sheep's clothing" when they are actually a wolves underneath. It's a concept I cannot wrap my head around, one that makes the hole inside ache and throb even more. 

It sunny outside. There is still an air quality alert, but there is no better heart medicine than sunshine, "fresh" air, and the sound of birds singing. Staying inside to "bleed out" is not an option. I am going to be okay. I am okay. In all honesty, I am more than okay, even if there is a hole in my heart.

Bits and Pieces

 * Physical therapy is going good. It makes me tired, but I know it will be worth it all in the end. I'm feeling so much better already. My only setback, just two appointments in, was jamming my SI joint when I fell off a balance beam at the park with my grandkids. I learned two things. 1. I don't have great balance anymore. and 2. It's pretty easy to jam my SI joint.

* It's summer at the daycare. It's not my favorite. Children of school employees are mostly off for the summer leaving us with reduced numbers. This means a whole lot of bouncing around from room to room and never knowing what to expect from day to day. I like to think of myself as flexible, but if I'm honest, I hate it. Plus, my time with my twins is limited. They are on vacation this week and I have no idea what the director's plan is upon their return. They have been known to move children to the toddler room as early as 15 months old... which they are.

* Smoky skies again. It's mostly a reduced visibility and reduced air quality. I'm not complaining. My home is not on fire and we are still able to go outside. My heart hurts for those who are actually affected in much greater ways. I can't even imagine.

Physical Therapy

 I started going to physical therapy a couple of weeks ago. The PT agreed with my doctor that I am suffering from sachroiliitis. I've been given some exercises to strengthen my glutes which in turn will help the tendons and ligaments in my back hold everything in place better, including my sacroiliac joint which has been acting up since this trip to Chimney Bluffs back in August of 2016. (Click here.) My foot slipped on some loose stones giving my back a quick twist and I felt a sharp pain in my right, lower back. I expected it to go away, but it has continued to hurt off and on through the years despite chiropractic treatment. I am hopeful this will take care of the issue and give me relief.

I am thoroughly exhausted this evening and have already fallen asleep reading an online article. I'm sure there are multiple factors contributing to my fatigue, one being physical therapy. Allergy season is in high gear with the cottonwood trees releasing their fuzzy fury upon us. Everyone has a cold and all the babies are boogery. On top of that, I get up quite early each morning and am attempting to wean myself off that afternoon cup of half caffeinated coffee (or large Dr Pepper).

It was a beautiful day. The lake must have been lovely tonight but I wasn't there to see. I came home fully intending to head back out again but ended up in bed instead. Ha ha!

Forty-Two

In spite of the the teary April and melancholy May, this has been my best June in seven years. It came with all the same anniversaries but fewer overwhelming emotions. 

Sunday was Father's Day. I spent a couple of hours that afternoon with my son Nathan and his four children, Joe and Ben, and of course Hannah and Sergio and the boys. We had a late birthday party with cake for Logan who turned 4 on June 8, and strawberry shortcake for Nathan because he turned 33 on June 19.

Last night we met at the Webster Park Playground and made ice cream sundaes for Nate's birthday because everyone needs to be remembered on their special day, especially when it comes with sending your kids back home to Mom at the end.It was a good night and we got to see Sabrina for a minute too.

Today. I did okay with today, although every so often I feel tears just beneath the surface. It's okay to feel sad. It's healthy so long as I acknowledge the pain and don't stay there. It's been 42 years since James and I were married as 17 year old kids. It's not hard to love the pieces of him that are kind, loving, and funny. I can even love the sometimes angry James. He did so many things, big and small, to make me laugh or feel loved... I wish that was the entire story. I wish there hadn't been other pieces because I still love him in so very many ways.

I stopped at the church two weeks ago to drop off a roll of tape he'd left here when he helped me with the paneling upstairs. In the parking lot I ran into his friend Kathy getting something out of her car. They hang out together, have dinners and parties at her house, and keep each other company. She is a beautiful woman who I love and respect, but I hadn't seen her in several years. I called to her as I walked toward the door. When we met each other I gave her a big hug. I told her that I love her and she said the same. We went inside and I took the tape to James. When I was leaving the parking lot, Kathy came out to find me. "I want you to know," she said, "that Jim and I are just friends."
"It's okay," I told her, and it is. There is no one else on earth that I would want more to love and encourage my children.
Kathy is not young. She is older than us by10-15 years. Our being divorced has nothing to do with her. As far as I am concerned she is nothing but a sweetheart, much loved by the church body, and highly respected. Her late husband was the heartbeat of the church. I may be confused by the friendship between her and James, but I am okay with it too. I am relieved to have seen her, to have given her a hug, and to have talked. This is a big step in my healing.

June 19. Nathan's birthday and 4 years since our divorce was final. There's a bit of a sting in my heart tonight, a few tears, and a whole lot of healing. I am more than okay.

(Two posts this evening because I'm playing Catch-Up.)

Dead Letter Office

I've started posts a couple of times but they didn't make it to the Publishing House. They're hanging out as drafts instead. It's kind of like the Dead Letter Office.

Recap-

* I ran into two friends a couple weekends ago. One at Wegmans and another at the lake. Big hugs. Love running into friends! Also ran into a once-upon-a-time friend who doesn't like me anymore. I gave her a smile and a quick wave, and realized that for the first time in a few years I didn't want to hide when I saw her. I'd call that a win.

* Spend a Sunday with my daughter Bethany and my grand- daughter Jillian. We went to breakfast at Simply Crepes and then for a long walk on the Genesee River Boardwalk from Turning Point Park almost to the Port of Rochester. Very cool!

* Caffeine headache last Friday. Those things are killers! 

* Stayed home from my Man Hater's Pottery group Friday night and hung out with my grandsons while Hannah and Sergio went out to get a new couch. It was a beautiful, relaxed evening.

That's the short version of the never to be published posts. Pictures from our a week ago Sunday walk.

A Few Thoughts

No lake trip this evening. It was probably beautiful and I probably missed running into a friend, but I didn't go tonight. I had an appointment at physical therapy where I saw a PT about the pain in my back. She agreed with the doctor's opinion that my sacroiliac joint is the cause of my lower back pain and has given me some exercises to strengthen my glutes. I am optimistic and eager to be rid of this pain in the butt.

The mind continues to roll and ponder. I will, in all likelihood, always carry some degree of cognitive dissonance regarding my divorce, but I am hopeful that these thought processes will no longer cripple me. I stopped at my old church to drop something off to James yesterday afternoon and ran into a couple of women from my old Ladies' Prayer group. One of them is especially dear. We shared a long tight hug and I told her I loved her. She is a great source of encouragement to my children and for this I am entirely thankful. I'm not entirely sure what to think when they tell me, "I'm praying for you." I said thank you, but deep inside I'd really like to know exactly what they're asking God to do... Ugh.

 I've been thinking the last couple of days about April and how it was so very sad for me. It's a month full of memories, but there is something else this year I realized I've been grieving and that is the loss of my favorite tulip, the one I moved from the farm when I came to live in my childhood home. I thought she was in a safe spot, but she was lost when Sergio moved the little Japanese maple tree from up by the house out into the yard. I knew back then that she was probably gone, but I'd held onto a shred of hope in her miraculous return. It's hard to admit something as simple as a flower could make my heart hurt, but she represented so much growth, healing and resilience that letting go is painful. It's not as though another can take her place. She taught me so many lessons and I am ever so grateful for the gift she was.

Our smokey skies have cleared. (We were under an air quality advisory for a couple of days due the Canadian wildfires in Ontario and Quebec.) There were puffy, white clouds and blue skies this afternoon. I can't even imagine what it must be like for those in the thick of it.

Ugh, My Favorite Word

It's time to renew my health insurance through NY State... and I make $4,000 dollars too much a year to qualify for free coverage. In order to keep my health insurance I have two choices. I can pay slightly reduced amount for insurance, or I can reduce my taxable income by $4,058/year. It comes out to be about the same either way. I could never figure this out on my own so I am grateful to both Pat, who brokers the health insurance, and Nick who takes care of my IRA, which is where the nearly $80/week will go. I am now left with creating a budget to insure all my expenses are covered, and finding ways to pay my current debts and reduce spending as well. (Having raised seven children I am somewhat familiar with this game...)

One sure fire way to reduce spending and save wear and tear on my car is to change jobs locations. If I were to secure employment within summer walking distance, say a mile or two away, I could save $180.00/month on gasoline and probably hundreds more on car repairs. I'd also save money on a gym membership, if I had one. Ha ha! I am currently looking into this option. I filled out an application. Another daycare center about a mile from home. Wish me luck or say a prayer.

The bedroom tunnel is looking longer but not as dark. It may never get finished, but it's finished enough to put back in some semblance of order. We can now access the attic and I can find my clothes and belongings. My bed remains downstairs and I am (mostly) okay with that. We're cooking up a downstairs plan too. For now the upstairs room will be a place for doing physical therapy exercises, sorting belongings, and finding alone time if needed. It looks bright and inviting and that makes me smile.

In other news, which isn't at all new or shocking, I went to the lake. It's been very calm recently so it was fun to see it kicking and screaming this afternoon. I came home with a ton of pictures, two slightly wet feet and a wet backside. So exhilarating!!!

Bits and Pieces

*  I like three day weekends...

*  I like short work weeks...

* I went to the doctor about my back (again). I went 4 years ago and the doctor was ready to send me for an MRI. This doctor was calmer, suggested it is perhaps sacroiliitis and prescribed an anti-inflammatory medication along with a bit of physical therapy. He also gave me some exercises to try. Bending and lifting all day is hard on the aging body.

*  May was a month of processing thoughts and emotions. I'm sure it will carry over into June and beyond. I'm learning about Emotional Phantoms. (Kind of like a phantom limb, which is something I thought about over the weekend...) 

*  No new room update. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel itself is long and dark.

*  A friend and I are planning to go on a little vacation in August. It involves sand and water and I think it will be fun. Stay tuned.

Going for a Spin

The thought processor is whirring...

I am struggling with cognitive dissonance; wanting one thing to be true, and yet knowing there is another truth offsetting the first. It is this disconnect that causes my heart to ache and bleed. No matter how I try I cannot reconcile the two. It is, I suppose, a little like trying to imagine a time before I was born, a world in which I did not exist, and another in the not-so-very-distant future when I will cease to be once again. Pieces of reality that my mind cannot comprehend... problems that cannot be solved... brokenness that will never be made whole,... at least not in this lifetime. And the thought processor continues to spin.

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I went to the lake on Thursday afternoon, walked along the lake where the concrete break wall meets the bottom of the hill, and down to the little strip of hidden shoreline where years ago another break wall once was. I picked bits of glass from the pebble beach, climbed over broken concrete slabs and fallen trees, and took pictures before heading back toward the pier and walking along the edge of the sidewalk on the lake. I was looking at the dirty water when all of a sudden my right foot slipped out from under me and I went down directly on my left knee and backside. Mostly my knee. It was quite jarring, not to mention painful and embarrassing.

No one else at the lake seemed to have taken notice. The man who had previously been walking toward me had turned around immediately before I fell. (So much goes through the mind in those split second...) My camera was safe, I was not in the water, and I needed to get to my car. I could still walk but my knee was aching and I needed some ice. I couldn't stay home on Friday without losing my holiday pay on Monday... Long story short, I "iced" my knee with a bag of frozen corn, took a few ibuprofen for the pain and swelling, and propped it up on a pillow. No problem going to work Friday morning. I am grateful.

It was just me and three cousins doing pottery last night. I trimmed a previously thrown bowl and glazed several bisque fired pieces. I have quite the collection amassed. Bowls, cups, and mugs of varied shapes and colors. It will be like Christmas when they come out of the kiln.

Progress

It was a productive day and I am relieved to see the progress we made on the attic bedroom today. I am ever so grateful to The Cabinetmaker for lending me his time and expertise. I took a personal day off work and together we put up a vapor barrier and hung several pieces of paneling on the ceiling.  It was a good day. My mind will be processing for days to come, and I am thankful.

My car was at the shop today for new rear brakes, a pricey repair, and while they were in possession of my vehicle I asked about the front passenger tire which has had a slow leak for the past few weeks. They discovered a nail in the tire and patched that up for me as well. I'm going to be slightly poorer for a little while. Ha ha!

Finally, to top off an already good day, I drove down to the lake and got my feet wet, not intentionally, of course. The lake is tricky and those waves just splash wherever they darn well please, usually on my feet when I'm not paying attention. It was a good reason to toss my sneakers (tennis shoes) into the wash when I returned home.

A Second Busy Weekend...

 I had to trim this weekend's activities. It's quite impossible to be everywhere and do all the things no matter how much I'd like to do them all.

There was no Man Haters Club on Friday night. We took the night off to rest and rose early Saturday morning for a field trip to Syracuse. We visited Clayscapes Pottery and went away a little poorer (we all bought tools or clay) and afterward went to meet some previously unknown family members who live in and about Syracuse.

This past year I discovered my cousins had an older half brother that no one knew about. We are doubtful that even my uncle knew of him. My cousin passed away in 1996, but he left a wife and five children. On Saturday we met the wife and two daughters. Family resemblances are funny things. We found one daughter to have inherited the high forehead my sister Rachel possess, and her small son to have what we have always called "Shafer ears." 

The Apple Blossom Parade marched through Williamson in the rain this year. We stood under porch and canopy to watch and wave and were rewarded with handfuls of candy, waves, and a serenade.

Today I woke with a debilitating headache. I did not go to church but did venture out to Williamson again to watch Idris run the Main Street Mile and take pictures. I also ran into my sweet, little friend Mara who was on her way home with her parents. She was exceptionally quiet, probably wondering what I was doing outside the daycare center.

This afternoon I drove to the little town of Pumpkin Hook and attended a wedding reception for some friends of my son Ben. It was a beautiful day and the fresh air helped to dispel the headache lurking just under the surface.

Weekends fly by much too fast. It's almost time to crawl back into the baby room again.

And That Was This Week

 It was a better week. Still stressful, but better. Fewer tears, less anxiety filled moments.

Chiropractor on Monday. 

Pottery class on Tuesday. I sat and watched. I didn't put any clay on the wheel at all. I left early, bought a Sprite at McDonalds and went to the airport where I parked in the short term lot and went to sleep. I was awakened at 10:30 pm by the sound of a chime. My phone informed me that my friend had arrived and I went inside to meet her at the baggage claim and then took her home.

Wednesday was an appointment with my therapist. There are times when I think I don't need to go, when all I do is ramble... And then there are others, like this week where I know the conversation has touched something deep inside. There are typically hard questions, a few tears, and heartfelt thoughts. I only wish I had been able to work through most of this years and years ago...

Thursday evening I went home. Hannah was working an evening shift so I went to the lake.

Friday I left work a tad early bringing my 3 hours of overtime down to 2 hours and 45 minutes. It would have been a fabulous evening for a woods walk, but I went to meet my cousins at man Haters Club, threw a couple of bowls, and glazed 5 or six others. I'm looking forward to seeing the results and enjoying the two I found fired and finished on the shelf last night.

Today I am meeting my sister at the memorial Art Gallery in Rochester. It's teacher Appreciation Day. We'll see if my work badge gets me in for free...

Calm

Rain falls gently against the deck outside the sliding glass door. Birds are chirping evening lullabies and darkness begins to settle in. For tonight everything is calm and settled. A new week has begun. It was a beautiful weekend, packed with sunshine, springtime temperatures, and bursting colors. The trees are wearing clothes of all colors; lilac, magenta, white, deep purple, and green. There is nothing quite like a world awakening after a long winter.

April is over and my heart has begun to settle once again. Yesterday Gail and I went out to her cottage in Williamson and searched the shore for glass and other treasures. I stopped at Bethany's house just before darkness fell and hugged 8 grandchildren. This morning I met Laura at church. Afterward we went out for breakfast and then I stopped at Bethany's all over again and hugged some more grandchildren, two of which I hadn't seen last night. I saw all my local grandchildren but one this weekend. (He was at the doctor's for a possible broken finger, except it wasn't.)

Prayers would be appreciated as work has been quite stressful lately. Thanks so much!

The Longing

It's the nagging question, the one I don't know how to answer, the one the child inside keeps repeating over and over and over again... "Where do I belong?"

Once upon a time the need to belong was filled. I was surrounded by children who needed me and a husband who looked out for me as I looked out for him. I had a home to tend, meals to make, and laundry to wash and fold. I had a family to hold and arms that enfolded me as well.

Today I long to belong.

It's a feeling that ebbs and flows. Sometimes I am settled and fine, fine alone and feeling fulfilled. Other times the emptiness is all encompassing and I am overcome by the ache deep in my chest and powerless to stop the flow of tears.

I am aware there are people who will think this is my own doing, and I am more keenly aware than any of them of my reasons for walking away, but that does not mean I wanted to leave. It doesn't mean some days I don't desperately want to return... and know I can't at the very same time.