Bits and Pieces

*  I like three day weekends...

*  I like short work weeks...

* I went to the doctor about my back (again). I went 4 years ago and the doctor was ready to send me for an MRI. This doctor was calmer, suggested it is perhaps sacroiliitis and prescribed an anti-inflammatory medication along with a bit of physical therapy. He also gave me some exercises to try. Bending and lifting all day is hard on the aging body.

*  May was a month of processing thoughts and emotions. I'm sure it will carry over into June and beyond. I'm learning about Emotional Phantoms. (Kind of like a phantom limb, which is something I thought about over the weekend...) 

*  No new room update. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel itself is long and dark.

*  A friend and I are planning to go on a little vacation in August. It involves sand and water and I think it will be fun. Stay tuned.

Going for a Spin

The thought processor is whirring...

I am struggling with cognitive dissonance; wanting one thing to be true, and yet knowing there is another truth offsetting the first. It is this disconnect that causes my heart to ache and bleed. No matter how I try I cannot reconcile the two. It is, I suppose, a little like trying to imagine a time before I was born, a world in which I did not exist, and another in the not-so-very-distant future when I will cease to be once again. Pieces of reality that my mind cannot comprehend... problems that cannot be solved... brokenness that will never be made whole,... at least not in this lifetime. And the thought processor continues to spin.

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I went to the lake on Thursday afternoon, walked along the lake where the concrete break wall meets the bottom of the hill, and down to the little strip of hidden shoreline where years ago another break wall once was. I picked bits of glass from the pebble beach, climbed over broken concrete slabs and fallen trees, and took pictures before heading back toward the pier and walking along the edge of the sidewalk on the lake. I was looking at the dirty water when all of a sudden my right foot slipped out from under me and I went down directly on my left knee and backside. Mostly my knee. It was quite jarring, not to mention painful and embarrassing.

No one else at the lake seemed to have taken notice. The man who had previously been walking toward me had turned around immediately before I fell. (So much goes through the mind in those split second...) My camera was safe, I was not in the water, and I needed to get to my car. I could still walk but my knee was aching and I needed some ice. I couldn't stay home on Friday without losing my holiday pay on Monday... Long story short, I "iced" my knee with a bag of frozen corn, took a few ibuprofen for the pain and swelling, and propped it up on a pillow. No problem going to work Friday morning. I am grateful.

It was just me and three cousins doing pottery last night. I trimmed a previously thrown bowl and glazed several bisque fired pieces. I have quite the collection amassed. Bowls, cups, and mugs of varied shapes and colors. It will be like Christmas when they come out of the kiln.

Progress

It was a productive day and I am relieved to see the progress we made on the attic bedroom today. I am ever so grateful to The Cabinetmaker for lending me his time and expertise. I took a personal day off work and together we put up a vapor barrier and hung several pieces of paneling on the ceiling.  It was a good day. My mind will be processing for days to come, and I am thankful.

My car was at the shop today for new rear brakes, a pricey repair, and while they were in possession of my vehicle I asked about the front passenger tire which has had a slow leak for the past few weeks. They discovered a nail in the tire and patched that up for me as well. I'm going to be slightly poorer for a little while. Ha ha!

Finally, to top off an already good day, I drove down to the lake and got my feet wet, not intentionally, of course. The lake is tricky and those waves just splash wherever they darn well please, usually on my feet when I'm not paying attention. It was a good reason to toss my sneakers (tennis shoes) into the wash when I returned home.

A Second Busy Weekend...

 I had to trim this weekend's activities. It's quite impossible to be everywhere and do all the things no matter how much I'd like to do them all.

There was no Man Haters Club on Friday night. We took the night off to rest and rose early Saturday morning for a field trip to Syracuse. We visited Clayscapes Pottery and went away a little poorer (we all bought tools or clay) and afterward went to meet some previously unknown family members who live in and about Syracuse.

This past year I discovered my cousins had an older half brother that no one knew about. We are doubtful that even my uncle knew of him. My cousin passed away in 1996, but he left a wife and five children. On Saturday we met the wife and two daughters. Family resemblances are funny things. We found one daughter to have inherited the high forehead my sister Rachel possess, and her small son to have what we have always called "Shafer ears." 

The Apple Blossom Parade marched through Williamson in the rain this year. We stood under porch and canopy to watch and wave and were rewarded with handfuls of candy, waves, and a serenade.

Today I woke with a debilitating headache. I did not go to church but did venture out to Williamson again to watch Idris run the Main Street Mile and take pictures. I also ran into my sweet, little friend Mara who was on her way home with her parents. She was exceptionally quiet, probably wondering what I was doing outside the daycare center.

This afternoon I drove to the little town of Pumpkin Hook and attended a wedding reception for some friends of my son Ben. It was a beautiful day and the fresh air helped to dispel the headache lurking just under the surface.

Weekends fly by much too fast. It's almost time to crawl back into the baby room again.

And That Was This Week

 It was a better week. Still stressful, but better. Fewer tears, less anxiety filled moments.

Chiropractor on Monday. 

Pottery class on Tuesday. I sat and watched. I didn't put any clay on the wheel at all. I left early, bought a Sprite at McDonalds and went to the airport where I parked in the short term lot and went to sleep. I was awakened at 10:30 pm by the sound of a chime. My phone informed me that my friend had arrived and I went inside to meet her at the baggage claim and then took her home.

Wednesday was an appointment with my therapist. There are times when I think I don't need to go, when all I do is ramble... And then there are others, like this week where I know the conversation has touched something deep inside. There are typically hard questions, a few tears, and heartfelt thoughts. I only wish I had been able to work through most of this years and years ago...

Thursday evening I went home. Hannah was working an evening shift so I went to the lake.

Friday I left work a tad early bringing my 3 hours of overtime down to 2 hours and 45 minutes. It would have been a fabulous evening for a woods walk, but I went to meet my cousins at man Haters Club, threw a couple of bowls, and glazed 5 or six others. I'm looking forward to seeing the results and enjoying the two I found fired and finished on the shelf last night.

Today I am meeting my sister at the memorial Art Gallery in Rochester. It's teacher Appreciation Day. We'll see if my work badge gets me in for free...

Calm

Rain falls gently against the deck outside the sliding glass door. Birds are chirping evening lullabies and darkness begins to settle in. For tonight everything is calm and settled. A new week has begun. It was a beautiful weekend, packed with sunshine, springtime temperatures, and bursting colors. The trees are wearing clothes of all colors; lilac, magenta, white, deep purple, and green. There is nothing quite like a world awakening after a long winter.

April is over and my heart has begun to settle once again. Yesterday Gail and I went out to her cottage in Williamson and searched the shore for glass and other treasures. I stopped at Bethany's house just before darkness fell and hugged 8 grandchildren. This morning I met Laura at church. Afterward we went out for breakfast and then I stopped at Bethany's all over again and hugged some more grandchildren, two of which I hadn't seen last night. I saw all my local grandchildren but one this weekend. (He was at the doctor's for a possible broken finger, except it wasn't.)

Prayers would be appreciated as work has been quite stressful lately. Thanks so much!

The Longing

It's the nagging question, the one I don't know how to answer, the one the child inside keeps repeating over and over and over again... "Where do I belong?"

Once upon a time the need to belong was filled. I was surrounded by children who needed me and a husband who looked out for me as I looked out for him. I had a home to tend, meals to make, and laundry to wash and fold. I had a family to hold and arms that enfolded me as well.

Today I long to belong.

It's a feeling that ebbs and flows. Sometimes I am settled and fine, fine alone and feeling fulfilled. Other times the emptiness is all encompassing and I am overcome by the ache deep in my chest and powerless to stop the flow of tears.

I am aware there are people who will think this is my own doing, and I am more keenly aware than any of them of my reasons for walking away, but that does not mean I wanted to leave. It doesn't mean some days I don't desperately want to return... and know I can't at the very same time.

Accomplishments

 It's done! I did it! Every dreaded appointment crossed off my list. New doctor, blood work, mammogram, gynecologist, full mouth x-rays, dental work, teeth cleaned, colonoscopy. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. (I'm just slightly proud of my accomplishment. It's a little like having run a triathlon. Ha ha!) As long as everything checks out good, there will be no more appointments until fall. My boss will be ecstatic.