Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Waking Up Late (again)

I was tired last night and went upstairs to bed an hour early. I must have needed the extra sleep, but veering from the established routine threw off my sleeping schedule. I woke to use the bathroom earlier than usual (It was 12:30 am.) and likely woke up and went back to sleep again just before my alarm went off. I never heard a thing until Sergio started his car at 6:15 am.

I was jolted awake when I looked at my alarm clock, which is about 12 minutes fast. It read 6:30. I hopped out of bed and grabbed my clothes. There was no time to consider a shower. I didn't have time for that. I washed my face, threw on some deodorant, and grabbed some breakfast. Thankfully, the icy snow that had accumulated on my car over night was not stuck fast to my windshield. I may have actually arrived in the nick of time had it not been for the train ambling down the tracks and across Canandaigua Road at 6:56. I'm not sure what my time card reads, I didn't look, but often the time clock runs slow.

Most of day went fine, aside from Maggie's juicy diaper leaking through her pants and onto the lap of my jeans. It was still early and I decided I was grossed out enough to run out to my car for a clean pair that I keep in case of emergencies. (I have an old bladder...) Being the cook and having defiled clothing just don't go together well. I can handle boogers on my shoulder, but feces on my legs is totally different. Ha ha!

Tonight I came home to chill out and check my computer. What do you know? I had a message on Facebook that I had accidentally left a laughing emoji on a link to an article about the Holocaust. Some people were not happy with me, but both the friend who posted the link and a few others said it was most likely an accident. Oh, dear...

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Playing With Clay

It was a week full of stretching and growing; necessary emails, phone calls, and scheduled appointments. I learned a cup of coffee is imperative before my Friday evening pottery class. Ha ha! I left early because I was feeling like a zombie. (Is that okay to say?)

I had no appointments Saturday, no friend to meet for lunch, so even though I was feeling like hiding, I dragged myself out to the pottery studio. Only a few renters occupied the building when I arrived, but more trickled in, and when Open Studio began at noon, the place began to fill up. My friend Myung came too! I stayed several hours and by the time I left I was feeling much better. There is healing in community.

Being unsure what to make, I did some playing instead. Perhaps I'm not meant to build anything grand or glorious. Instead I made dogs. Wiener dogs. I like them.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Bits and Pieces

* The rocky emotional seas are not so overwhelming today. I'm riding out the squall safe in the boat with the Captain. If He can still a storm with just one word, then I am safe. It matters not whether He is awake, or asleep on a pillow, so long as He is in the boat, and He is.

* I started my new pottery class last Friday. Advanced Hand Building, whatever that means. Ha ha! I think it means we aren't learning all those very basic skills, but a few alternative techniques and are free to explore. The best part is it gets me back to the studio and in connection with people.

* I had a good meeting with my therapist on Tuesday afternoon. In my estimation, tears are always a sign of growth and awareness, and this time there were tears. I have some homework to do, a couple of things actually, and one of them involves what happened in my step study back in the spring. Prayers regarding that would be appreciated. (Thank you.)

* I've been eating healthier this past week. Haven't consumed quite the number of vegetables I should, but I'm working on it, and I've made some great strides.

* The daycare kids are boogery. We've got a bit sickness going around, but all in all things are good. I've received some great hugs, and passed out lots of snuggles so far this week.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Phantom of the Opera

I have more good moments than bad, and my days are filled with smiles and laughter, however this has been a month where the gaping hole in my heart has made its presence felt more often. A friend at church asked how I was. "I'm mostly good, but there is still a gaping hole inside. I answered as I placed a clenched fist against my chest, "It's been worse the past couple of weeks."

After talking for a few minutes, my friend looked at me and said, "It's Missing Limb Syndrome. A part of you has been severed and you are experiencing pain where missing part once was."

It makes sense. It makes perfect sense. This friend is absolutely right. Love doesn't automatically disappear, and everything inside of me has been programmed for a way of life that no longer exists. New patterns take time to establish, and a "new normal" doesn't happen overnight. A part of me will experience pain for the rest of my life, although time will bring smaller and less frequent waves. Learning to ride the waves, understanding why they exist, and trusting they have purpose are all imperative.

I am okay, and I will be okay tomorrow. God knows exactly what I need and He has never failed me yet.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Funny Kids

There are a lot of reasons why I love children and one of them is that they are so entertaining. Last night I came home to find my little grandson playing wooden train tracks with his daddy. When they were done playing trains, Sergio got out a new game. He set up some empty soda and water bottles, and they played bowling with Number Nine's little soccer ball. It was a great game. At one point Idris pointed toward the "pins" and said to his dad, "You go over there and be the princess." Ha ha! I'm still trying to figure out what he was really thinking, and every once in a while smiling and calling Sergio "Princess."

At work my little friend Maren is the star of the show. She is a spunky, sassy, energetic seventeen month old who is almost ready to leave the baby room for the toddlers. She is part tumbleweed, darting about the room, climbing, bouncing, running, and making her friend Adam laugh. He finds her hilarious. Today she pulled one boot (miniature zipping cowboy boot) off her foot, and then sat down to try and put it back on. She held onto the loose toe of her sock to steady her foot, but when she brought the boot up to her foot, her hand was in the way. She would let go of the sock, and boom, her foot would drop to the floor. She attempted to hold her foot in the air, but she couldn't hold her foot steady enough to get her toes into the shoe. As she struggled, 14 month old Brayden watched. Suddenly he reached over, snatched the boot, and tried to put it on his own foot, and Maren shot me this look of disbelief. Ha ha! and then she snatched it back. All the while I was giving either Nattie or Pen a bottle and couldn't step in to help. It was quite the show.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Always Good. He is Always Good

I'm not always sure what triggers the tears, or why some days the ache is stronger and deeper. The truth is there are days that go merrily along, and there are days when the gaping hole inside is nagging and raw. Friends have told me the ache will never completely disappear, because deep love leaves deep pain.

Without going into detail, I'll let it be known that I pushed the divorce through. It was incredibly difficult, impossible, and agonizing. I dragged out for two years what could have taken a couple of months. There were no lawyers involved, just a mediator who took us through the process of getting the paperwork ready for the judge, and then submitting the documents. I asked God over and over what to do... To some it would be a no-brainer, but that was not true for me. Every time He answered I questioned Him again.

The Cabinetmaker begged and pleaded, and in any other circumstance I would have stayed, but it isn't my inability or unwillingness to forgive. More than anything I would like to sweep everything away, ignore the immensity, pretend it never was, and sink into denial... but I can't. I can forgive, but I can't sweep it all away, even though I want to.
I was approached by an acquaintance not long after I moved out a little over two years ago. She didn't ask what happened or if I was okay. Instead she asked me to check my heart and see if perhaps I was being selfish... She meant well. She couldn't see the agony of my soul. She didn't know me well enough.

The ache won't keep me awake tonight, and tomorrow is a new day. There will be smiles and hugs from the babies and little ones, and I will be okay. I will be more than okay because there is so much for which to be grateful. God is still good and He is still in control. I don't know what the future holds. Perhaps there are unexpected surprises in store. Perhaps that surprise is simply the grace of God carrying me through, giving me strength and providing for all my needs. Maybe it is something bigger than I could ever imagine. Whatever comes, I know He is good. He is always good.

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Thankful For the Internet

The internet is great for getting little blips of connection from family whether they are near or far. It isn't at all like being there, because in all honesty, I'm missing out on so much, but it's so much better than no connection at all. I hear people talking about giving up Facebook for a specified amount of time, or even for good, but that's never been my resolution.

So this is my newest grandchild. He comes to me over the internet. I can see his sweet face, but I have to imagine all the rest. In April there will be a new local grandbaby to love on, but I'm still looking forward to the day I can see my Minnesota grandsons again and meet their baby brother. 

Friday, January 10, 2020

I Wish Healing

The struggle is real, but not the struggle over wishing anyone pain. I never wish pain. I only wish to shield others from pain. Always. Remember those folks in the Bible who got themselves into hot water with God? Guys like Judas... I always hoped they would find a good ending. Always. If a story didn't have a happy ending, it haunted me.

People say it isn't good or healthy to live in the past. I'm not always sure exactly what "living in the past" means, but I think there are many times when the well-intentioned simply doesn't know what else to say. Each and every one of us lives in the past to some degree. The past is all we have to go by, and all of its influences make us who we are today. I am who I am, not only because of my natural wiring, but also because of all my past experiences.

I had an ideal childhood, not perfect, but ideal. Since all families deal with some degree of dysfunction, we had some of that too, but mostly there was love, laughter, and a great sense of security. There isn't much I would change about being a kid, but there are quite a few things I'd change for  my own kids, if that were possible. In spite of our failures in raising them, our kids have turned out pretty terrific. They deal with deep pain, and sometimes they bleed pain on others. Sometimes they even bleed pain on me, but with all of my heart I wish them healing. And I wish and pray healing for the Cabinetmaker too, because deep inside I will always love him.

Monday, January 06, 2020

Aches and Hugs

This is why I keep going back. It's to let some of the ache out, the ache that gets stuck in my chest. It keeps happening. The ache keeps creeping back in, but that's okay because there is deep love in deep pain. There can be anger, but there is no hatred, no wish for vengeance, no want for revenge. Only a deep, deep ache.

It was a good day at the daycare. My little friend Parker was not ready to come back. He stopped at the door and decided he wouldn't come in. Mom had her hands full, so I gathered him up and gave him a hug. Later in the day he gave it back multiplied by three or four. And he called me by name. Melts my heart every time they start to say my name... :0)

Derek passed by the kitchen on his way to drop off the baby. "Hi, Martha," he said. He's been gone for two weeks, turned two over the vacation, and he greeted all of us by name. Such a sweetheart. :0)

My Jonah came looking for a hug when I dropped off the breakfast cart. He's my boy. We fell in love when he was just a baby and in another couple months he's be moving up to the preschool class. That's what happens when they turn three. I hope he always loves me... :0)

Lots of hugs, a few tears, and a multitude of smiles. And it was grilled cheese day. That's got to count for something. Everyone loves grilled cheese!

Hugs. They're a pretty good medicine. No wonder I keep going back.

Sunday, January 05, 2020

Hello Reality

The "vacation" is over. No more two-day work weeks, no going in late and coming home early, and only one more piddly paycheck. A piece of me is ready, and another wants to sleep in tomorrow. The alarm is set, ... and turned on. Only the mind is not ready. Ha ha! (I'm okay, really I am.)

I've scheduled my credit card payments while using one to live on. Oh, the holiday games we play! probably better than draining my savings account. LOL!

I'd been lulled into hoping we'd have a warm, mild winter, but today's weather convinced me otherwise. It was wet, and a stiff wind blew right through me and made my bones shiver. Honestly, blizzards are typically warmer Bring on the snow!

It's a New year and I'm playing the Change Up My Eating Habits game. A few months will tell you if I have been successful.

Okay. Time to turn out the light and go to sleep.

Friday, January 03, 2020

Happy Birthday, Number Ten!

 My little grandson Wesley turned three on the first of January.  Tonight was his birthday party.

Tiny Number Twelve. I got to snuggle him. So nice!

Can you believe these two are only a little over two months apart in age? 
One is tiny and the other is tall.

 A few cousins enjoying the moment.

 Ha ha!

The toys were temporarily forgotten in favor of funny party favors.
We are so much like children...

Wednesday, January 01, 2020

Slow Start

I'm starting the year out slow and easy. On the couch, in my jammies, with my favorite blanket. A stiff neck and body aches descended upon me yesterday afternoon, but I didn't realize I might be sick until I couldn't get warm under my covers last night. The backache and severe fatigue I felt when leaving work suddenly made sense and I was relieved I had made my way home instead of heading out to a faraway New Year's Eve party.

Tomorrow morning, sick or not, I will get up and make my way to work, because if I don't I will lose my holiday pay for today and I can't afford that. Either way I'll be alright. My boss knows I'm not feeling good, so there's a good chance I won't have to stay at work for long. (I sent her a text this afternoon.) She didn't make the rules, she only gets to enforce them. I honestly feel kind of bad for her.

Being whole and well before Number 10's Friday night birthday party is the goal. I haven't seen these grandchildren since early November and I miss them.