Rainy Saturday

It promised to be dark and dreary with multiple sporadic downpours. We were not disappointed.

I met my friend Dan for coffee at Starbucks. He vacationed in Italy in June and had some photos to show me. It was 8:30 am. We ordered coffee and settled in at a table near the windows when the sky opened up and the rain poured down. An hour later we walked out through a light sprinkle. It was a nice meeting.

I texted my friend Rachael whose baby is in my infant room two days a week, and drove through a downpour (or two) to meet her at Panera Bread. We discovered we were both reading the same book by Rachel Held Evans. We had a great conversation and ran into a former work grandma, "Nana," and her two grandsons. Her now six year old grandson Jonah was so attached to me 5 years ago that he would cry whenever I left the room. (Love that boy!) We discovered that Rachael has been attending the same church as Nana and her family. This is good because Rachael and her family are somewhat new in town and she works remotely for Wheaton College . In her college days she ran with my friend Heather's former daughter in law. (It's a small world.) This was a nice meeting too.

I had a slight headache and took a nap upon returning home. I drank a small amount of cheap red wine on Friday evening and am learning that red wine does not make me feel fine...After a rest and lots of water, I felt better.

Hannah and went to Wegmans, I finished my laundry, played Tangled Snakes on my phone with Idris, and made both a jello and two lemon meringue pies for a Sunday picnic in the park. (We're practicing up on family gatherings for when my kids meet their long lost uncle... Did I tell you about that? He was supposed to come this past week but the visit was postponed due to illness.)

It was a wonderfully productive/interactive day. I am smiling. And my sheets are freshly washed, so there's that too. LOL!

Something New

Something new is on the horizon and it is not another grandchild. Two weeks ago I was given a shove which set me into action. I can make changes when I am pushed right up to (and sometimes over... Okay, more often than not it's over...) the edge. Details will be given when I know what they exactly what they are. At the moment they are still possibilities, but doesn't every great act start that way?

 

I've been to the lake several times this week. You might think I'd run out of photo opportunities, but so far I haven't. There's always something at which to point my camera. I didn't stay long this evening and I didn't put my feet into the water. The break wall was wet and the bugs were biting, so I walked the shore, took a few shots, and headed back toward home.

A Beautiful Weekend

It's been an absolutely beautiful weekend. Lots of sunshine, warm temperatures, and fresh air. I stopped to see Bethany for a hug and a visit on Saturday morning, caught up with my friend Laura a little after noon, and made a long lake visit in the evening, In between I did my laundry and took a nap on the futon.
 

I stayed at the lake extra long last night. I sat on a bench and read a couple chapters in my book, walked down to the old break wall, and then sat on the newer break wall, put my bare feet in the water, and read some more of my book. 

Today I went to Seabreeze Amusement Park with my family. We squeezed into one car rather than take two. It was a tight fit and reminded me of the circus trick where the clowns keep piling out of a miniature car. We rode the rides, played in the water and soaked in the sunshine. A thunderstorm skirted the edge of the park and we got a little rain, just a little, and then we rode a few more rides. I think we hit the best of them. If I get on the Jack Rabbit, The Bobsleds, and the Log Ride, it's been a successful Seabreeze trip. Today's was more than successful! 

There is nothing better for turbulent thoughts than sunshine, fresh air, nature and water. This evening my heart is full and settled.  

They Come in Threes

The past week and a half have been nothing short of a challenge in the relationship department. The debacle at work has been swept under the rug by everyone involved. No apologies offered, and I have yet to call my boss out on her betrayal. However, her actions given me the knowledge (again) that she is less than trustworthy. This has also been the final push toward actively pursuing alternative employment. There are daycare centers much closer to home, even walking distance. 

A couple of family situations have arisen (or re arisen) as well. I am learning how to speak my heart and mind which is often met with surprise or defense. It is my hope to let my perspectives be known without being angry or defensive myself, and to hear without judgement as well. This, unfortunately, takes practice and I haven't always been able to execute the skill without appearing somewhat abrasive. I hope those who love me will be patient as I try.

Ugh

Last week started out with a trip to the Corn Hill Art Festival with my friend and neighbor, Beth. Although I have known her all her life, and she has been our neighbor for much of it (they moved in down the street with the help of my parents and other church friends when she was a baby), we had never done anything together. It was a very enjoyable afternoon and I'm sure we'll catch up again for another outing.

Wednesday was a mentally exhausting day in the baby room. Me and four Littles; my 15 month old twins, a very precocious 8 month old, and an angry screaming, lagging behind in mobility 7 month old. By the end of the day I could feel my blood pressure rising, but another issue was about to send me into a downward spiral, one I didn't see coming.

In May I asked someone to help me with my attic bedroom renovations. That came back to bite me when another individual was told I was "hanging around" with said attic renovator. We "hung out" for one day. He helped me with a job, we got subs together, and it was a pleasant day. It was a good day and a painful day, a painful reminder of why I fell in love with him and what I miss so much. It was healing because it gave me hope that I can be in his presence and not want to run away and hide, and it helped me strengthen the boundary I need to maintain even though I desperately wish it didn't need to be this way. It also made my daughter feel terribly uncomfortable and unsafe. One son told me it "wasn't the wisest choice." 

Without going into detail, I'll simply say I didn't see the controversy coming and it knocked the wind right out of me. Not only did I feel betrayed by the teller of the tale, but it affected my daughter and little grandson as well. (It never ends...) I felt defensive, guilty, and full of shame, and yet I hadn't done anything "wrong." Because this involved both work and home, I went to talk to the daycare owner at her house. Then I called out of work at 5 am Thursday after a sleepless night. I struggled through Thursday with swollen, baggy eyes, relentless tears, and a feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. In a desperate attempt to find comfort, I took a ride to the cemetery and sat by my parents' grave. I went home in a horrific rainstorm, turned on the air conditioner in my yet unfinished attic bedroom and took a nap on the cot I set up there. I went to the lake in the afternoon where the crashing waves finally settled the fight/fight response that had plagued me since Wednesday evening. At 6 o'clock I walked to the village with my daughters to watch the Firemen's Parade and found one of my little daycare friends, a three year old named Westley, who put a little bit of hope back into my breaking heart.

Thankfully, the helpless, hopeless feelings have dissipated. My heart is more settled than it was, and I'm not feeling like I want to run far, far away. I'm working on my resume and looking (again) into different employment opportunities. There are many reasons for this, one of which is the number of miles I've put on my car in the last two years. The past week's experience has simply given me another push, a push I need but really don't like.

Yesterday I took a drive to Canandaigua to visit my sister Priscilla. It was a lovely afternoon. Today we're having a birthday celebration in Hannah's honor. It's raining. I'm planning to get my feet wet!

A Proposition

 I propose we celebrate Independence Day like we celebrate Memorial  and Labor Days, except instead of  it being on a Monday, it should always be observed on the first Friday of July, thus enabling those of us who rise early for work to enjoy the festivities, including fireworks displays. It may never happen, but that is my proposal. I vote for long, holiday weekends rather than confused minds and bodies.

That said, we had a very nice 4th of July, aside from me desperately wanting it to be Saturday. Ha ha!

A Hole in One

The most difficult thing about being alone (and sometimes being married as well) is not knowing how to fill "The Hole." It appears unexpectedly tender on a Saturday morning when I have no weekend plans, or bleeding when the house is suddenly empty and I find myself alone... A huge part of healing, I have been told, is in knowing how to be alone, but I strongly suspect that even those who savor their times of solitude also look for company.

I know all about the "Jesus shaped hole" that is supposed to be filled by having a relationship with Him, but God created us to need/desire companionship. He meant for His creation to experience community. It wasn't good for Adam to be alone in the garden and he had a God from Whose Presence he had not yet fallen. All the prayer and Bible reading (if I was doing it) don't put those people in our lives. It would be nice if God would plunk the perfect person in our lap, but the truth is that doesn't happen. Only imperfect friends/companions exist and we have to go out and find them.

I will be blatantly honest, I'm not so sure church is the best place to find a partner... It's an absolutely splendid place to look for the unsuspecting if one is an abuser, controller, manipulator, predator, or any other kind of creep. This does not, of course, make everyone there any of these things. One could also be be kind, loving, generous, and Christ-like. It's just hard to tell the difference. Heck, I have a hard time telling the difference when I know what people are actually like. And in all honesty, I don't want to believe people I know and love put on "sheep's clothing" when they are actually a wolves underneath. It's a concept I cannot wrap my head around, one that makes the hole inside ache and throb even more. 

It sunny outside. There is still an air quality alert, but there is no better heart medicine than sunshine, "fresh" air, and the sound of birds singing. Staying inside to "bleed out" is not an option. I am going to be okay. I am okay. In all honesty, I am more than okay, even if there is a hole in my heart.