Thoughts from Ocean City, Maryland

I don't know exactly what kind of closure I thought visiting ocean City might bring. There was no rush of emotions, although I'm sure I could have worked them up if I tried. Ha ha! That would have been a pointless waste of emotional energy. Instead a took in my surroundings, imagined what it might have been like 45 years ago, and breathed out past yearnings.

Another childhood friend, an earlier love of mine, when he found out we'd eaten dinner at Hooters on the beach (Hey. it was walking distance from our hotel and open when most places were closed...), suggested their crabcakes but I'm not eating crustaceans. His response, "Well there's still pit beef, Thrasher’s fries and Smith Island Cake!!" Gail and I didn't find pit beef or Smith Island Cake this trip, but we did share an order of Thrasher's Fries and they were not only an Ocean City original but fabulous too (with vinegar on top)!

Gail wasn't interested in walking down the old fishing pier or across the sand to the water's edge. It was cold and windy, and she was tired. While she sat on a bench on the boardwalk with her book, I took a walk by myself. I didn't walk all the way out the pier by myself, instead I walked as far as the steps down to the sand and underneath, like I imagined we might have done at 14... 

Had it been warmer I'd have taken my shoes off and put my feet in the water. Had I been more relaxed I'd have sat in the sand and gazed out over the ocean... Instead I picked pieces of shells and pebbles from the line of debris left by the waves and tucked them into my pocket and, just for old times sake, wrote a note in the sand... One like we used to write in the snowbanks along the creek during the winter we spent together in 3rd grade. And then I scuffed it out with my foot.

"The box" is is pretty much packed, the memories, hopes, and wishes tucked inside. The box has a cover but it isn't quite sealed up. I haven't yet found the perfect ribbon with which to tie it shut... but I know that's coming too.

Ocean City 2025

Ocean City, Maryland has been a long awaited destination. I have waited 46 1/2 years to get there.

I was just 14 years old in the fall of 1978 when my father's late-in-the-year, October vacation took us south to Virginia where we went camping near Williamsburg for a week. I'd been asking for months prior, even as far back as summer, "Can we go to Maryland?" I asked over and over and over again, but it wasn't Ocean City on my mind back then... My wish was to find my childhood friend Joey, the boy I'd met in 3rd grade, the one I'd been writing to for five years. I was a young girl in love with a dream.

Part of our vacation took us to the Manassas Battlefield, the Battle of Bull Run, and one day we took a ride to Washington DC where we visited the National Mall, Lincoln Memorial and Smithsonian Institution. It was on that day that my parents drove to the little town of Clinton, Maryland and found the home of my special friend. He wasn't home but his step dad told us where to find him at a little pizza parlor down the road... 

Back at Joey's house our parents visited over coffee while we played board games in the living room and laughed at the antics of our sisters and his dog. We visited twice (I think) and on one of those visits Joey said he wanted to take me to Ocean City. It was one of his favorite places. I'm honestly not sure if he wanted us to come back another time during that trip, or if he was hoping for a whole new visit when the season began anew, but it was not to be. Mom and Dad felt like they had "worn out their welcome" and we headed home with no plan to return.

Joey and I continued to write letters. A few letters one year and a few the next, until James came into my life and my dreams of one day (possibly) being with Joey again faded away forever. It was an impossibly difficult dream to release. My dreams today are obviously no longer the same, but the hope of one day reaching Ocean City never went away. This was one of two pieces to finally completing the process of bringing closure to my childhood love story.

Bits and Pieces

 I let March slip away without one last post... and now we're almost an entire week into April

* Still fighting plantar fasciitis with athletic tape. (My feet absolutely despise new shoes.) 

* I heard from my attorney Tuesday afternoon. The CPS case from last year has been deemed "unfounded" for both myself and my coworker. We are both much relieved. Sadly, I have a second remaining "indicated" report, a direct result of the first, that still needs to be addressed if I am to put it all behind me. 

* Things at home are settling into a new normal with "our" new baby. He's a sleepy little guy, and much loved. 

* I took the boys to visit a farm yesterday morning. It was wet, cold and blustery but they had a fabulous time. I think we need to go back on a warm sunny day. Maybe after the lambs are born. 

* I took a hop about the Emporium this afternoon looking for bunnies.

* Here and there I've been picking up a weekend shift at Dunkin. I worked the morning of my birthday, and again last Sunday morning. I was asked if I could work Easter Sunday. It felt weird to say yes, but I have been so short on hours that I said I would do it. I will be out of work by 1 o'clock. Too late for a church service (I'm not know where I would go anyway...) but early enough for a family gathering or dinner with a friend should the opportunity arise. 

Plantar Fasciitis

I bought new shoes. Same brand I always buy and not cheap. I wore them over the weekend and on Monday. Monday evening I went for a walk with Killian. On Tuesday at work my feet began to ache from the heel up through the arch of my foot. I worked an extra hour and a half on achy feet. By the time I got home I was googling plantar fasciitis, looking for hard rubber balls to roll across the surface of my foot (feet), and doing my best to stretch my calves. Yesterday I worked six hours, went to get an allergy injection, and then visited my eye doctor. (I have a permanent floater thanks to aging...) Last night I iced the worst foot and wore my old shoes to work today. I posted about my "fascist feet" on Facebook and my nurse friend Randy suggested athletic tape. I bought some after work. I also bought some new insoles. The tape feels interesting and seems to be helping. 

PS. Kili found a little nest outside.

I Hear Ya

I drove down to the beautiful little village of Honeoye Falls on Monday morning to meet with a lawyer who graciously agreed to help me with the CPS case that resulted from an incident in our toddler daycare class last February. Thanks to my coworker's attorney, we were able to bring into evidence the video recording of that morning's events. "Inadequate supervision" was the charge. The video is all of one minute long, with a total of 8 seconds elapsing between the child's injury and me picking him up and walking off camera (to the sink and cold running water). 

At the exact moment of the injury I was seating our food allergy child at a separate table, a request from both daycare administration (with a doctor's note) and the parents. I did not fill the carafe with water, or pour it into the oatmeal, nor was I aware of the water's scalding temperature. The water had never before been hot enough to burn a child. I had no reason to suspect there was a present danger.

My coworker felt like her hearing went well and I think mine did as well. Apparently the judge is swamped with a backload of cases and it will take some time for the decisions to be handed down. I will eventually receive a letter in the mail informing me of his the verdict. Sadly, this incident, which will most likely be cleared (although we were surprised by the indication the first time around), left me in a state of hypervigilance resulting in another incident where I (apparently) overreacted to a crayon eating child and in my quest to secure the crayon, left an accidental scratch on the child's neck. This resulted in my termination and a second CPS charge of "maltreatment of a child." I never heard back from OCFS when I mailed in my letter of appeal.

Life has settled. Aside from a painful case of plantar fasciitis, I am enjoying my job at Dunkin. I have the pleasure of interacting with people on a daily basis, sometimes even children. I'm not making a ton of money, but the stress level has been greatly reduced. Besides, I get free coffee and donuts. What could be better than that?

Pictures from my bit of destressing after my appointment. LOL!

On Turning 29

I looked so much younger the last time I turned 29. Counting down isn't working quite like it used to...

I picked up a few hours at work yesterday, six actually, to make up for having the day off tomorrow. I was wished a "Happy Birthday" multiple times, and gifted a beautiful orchid and a mylar balloon by our assistant manager. My sister Priscilla came over in the early evening and took me out to dinner., and Hannah and Sergio served up a delicious Tuxedo Cake for dessert. It was a very nice day.

Late this morning I took the boys out to Tops in Ontario, NY to see the Weinermobile. It was a fun experience, and hopefully memorable. This afternoon my kids and grandkids came for a party, which included kids going in and out the front door all afternoon. LOL! Some years it's warm enough for an outside party, and other ones, like this time around, it's much too cold. The girls made Grandpa's Noodle Surprise and afterward we had grape pie with ice cream. (Do I look fatter to you?)

Tomorrow is my hearing for the incident that occurred at the daycare last February. My lawyer has secured the daycare video footage from that morning and my coworker has assured me that it will go well. I'm looking forward to having this chapter behind me. I have no plans to return to employment in a daycare center. Although there are moments in which I still miss my kitchen job, working at Dunkin comes with much less stress and I love my coworkers, at least most of them. Ha ha!

Signs of Spring

Spring is on it's way and it's already feeling warmer and more hopeful. I took a walk after work yesterday afternoon. Down to the woods at the Dead End, on around the biggest block, and back home again. two thirds of the way around my feet and legs were tired and achy. Once I was back in the house, I climbed up on my bed for a rest. "Hey Siri," i said to my phone on the nightstand, "Set a timer for 45 minutes." And then I went to sleep. Forty-five minutes later I pushed the rest button and slept for another 45. LOL! 

Work is going good aside from not getting full time hours. My bills are paid but saving money is tough when one is living paycheck to paycheck. They keep saying that hours will pick up when business picks up, which was fine in January but is getting old now. I'm hoping I won't have to look for alternative employment.

Welcome to the World

We started the day off with a little excitement... We welcomed a new family member this morning. He was all of the sudden in a hurry to get here, even though he was four days late. (He was due this past Saturday...) This baby took his time, and then took off running. Hannah and Sergio arrived at the hospital at about 5:45 am and by 6:03 he was here!

This afternoon I took the kids and their Abuela to the hospital for a visit. The kids were enthralled with their little brother. They absolutely loved their visit and the baby was so relaxed in their arms. It was beautiful to watch. The only sad part was when we had to leave. (Daddy is staying with Mommy tonight. I'm here at home with the boys.) 

On the way home I said, "That was such a great field trip, wasn't it?"
Killian's answer was bittersweet. “Except when we had to leave Mommy there…" he sighed, “and the baby…” 

PS. 8 pounds 5 ounces, Emiliano Lorenso

Marching Forward (Because it's March, of course!)

I woke up with a stabbing pain in my right shoulder blade yesterday morning. I had a sneaking suspicion it might be related to my slightly achy eyes and sometimes stinky sinuses... but I had fallen asleep in my recliner a couple of times while listening to an audio book... I took some decongestant and vacillated over whether or not to call my favorite chiropractor. I shot him a text message. "Are you in the office this afternoon?" I asked. 

His answer, "Indeed I am!" I told him I would call the front desk and proceeded to make an appointment (which I actually made with him instead through text because the front desk was "busy assisting other patients.") 

Upon my arrival he asked how I had come to be in pain. "I fell asleep in my recliner a couple of times," I told him, "but I also think it might have to do with my sinuses."

"That could be," he answered, and I discovered that shoulder blade pain and blocked sinuses could actually be related. I have long suspected so and was relieved to know that it is not just my imagination. I left the office with a scratchy throat and my sinuses have been draining ever since. (Too much information perhaps.) Honestly, I am grateful. I feel so much better.

Anyway, we're into March, The Home Stretch when it comes to winter. We can expect one more big storm in winter's attempt to hold on, but it won't last. Spring is just around the corner.

(I have to tie my hair up for work. Sometimes I check to see what it looks like back there.)

Shifting Sand

"Maybe this was never the place I thought it was..." -John Pavlovitz

I know this sentiment. I have lived it, both in the church and in my own home. When the life I thought I had shattered and fell away, leaving me grappling with a reality I knew not how to process, I learned that underneath the pretty veneer there is often ugliness and rot. (The old "You can't judge a book by its cover" scenario.) I still find the truth difficult to swallow... just like I did 8 years ago when a dear friend said, of my then crushed reality, "It was always this way. You just didn't know it." Wanting what I believed to be true could never bring it back. My entire world was forever altered. It is impossible to look at people with the same innocence and naivety.

I'm not sure why this photo... It was there, so I picked it.

Family Time

Monday, February 24, 2025

It was a whirlwind weekend. Jim flew into town on Friday afternoon to join the family in watching Grandmanita's Celebration of Life in Halifax via Zoom on Saturday afternoon. On Friday my kids gathered here and we cooked breakfast for dinner, or "brinner" as Hannah calls it. We had French toast, sausage and bacon, hash brown patties, and fruit salad. 

We had an easy time connecting to the Celebration of Life but the sound did not come through loud and clear. Computer programs are designed to filter "background noise" and they can get confused as to what should be filtered. The closer the mike was held to a mouth, the better we could hear. It was pretty amazing to see family scattered across the two countries.

Jim asked on Friday evening if he could go to church with me on Sunday. I picked him up yesterday morning on my way into the city. It felt amazing to have him there with me. It's been a long time since any of my kids sat with me through a regular church service. We stopped at an Italian bakery (Leo's) on the way home and the family gathered again mid afternoon for some chili and a final evening together. 

Friday, February 28, 2025

James's oldest sister was in town for the week. I saw her briefly on Saturday afternoon when I went over to Bethany's house a couple hours after the Celebration of Life. She was sitting at the table in the kitchen where a game of Scrabble was being played. I said hello, she answered, and then leaned over and whispered in my son Dave's ear, asking him to take her around the corner to a cousin's house. She hugged the family, said her goodbyes without looking at or addressing me, and went out the door. This is divorce. I hadn't seen her since Jim and Michele were married in 2013. She made no attempt to see Hannah while she was in town, much, I think, to Hannah's relief. 

Our world feels turned upside down lately. My country feels strange and scary... a large portion of the church feels cold and callous... I no longer recognize people I have known for years... I fear for friends and neighbors... and my children and grandchildren... I am ashamed of our leadership... In another week or so we will welcome a new little life into our home. We will wrap him in our arms and pray for his safety and success. We will love him and teach him to love others, especially the least of them.

 

More Bits and Pieces

 * Unbeknownst to me, three of my offspring boarded a plane last weekend and flew from Toronto to Halifax, Nova Scotia. (They're all grown up and allowed to go where they will, but as a mom, I wish they would let me know when they take off like that...) They went to find their dad and three aunties. The flight back to Toronto on Sunday was cancelled due to inclement weather and they weren't pleased with the offering of a flight back on Thursday, so they rented a car in Halifax and caravanned home through the northeastern snowstorm with their dad who had driven up the day after his mom's passing. In spite of ice and freezing rain, a pile up on I-90 early Monday, and blowing snow, they arrived home safely Monday night. On Tuesday my daughter took the Canadian rental car back to the Toronto Airport to retrieve her brother's car. (Photo of the lighthouse at Peggy's Cove borrowed from my son Ben.)

* We have been plunged into the deep freeze. Ice and snow on Sunday. Churches closed and the roads were treacherous. I picked up my son Joe at his apartment around 1pm and we drove to Bethany's house to pick up the keys to Ben's apartment. We fed Smoky and hung out with her for a while before heading into Rochester to see Nathan and his band play a show. (I'd purchased tickets ahead of time not knowing the weather.) After the show we returned the keys to Beth's house and went home. 

* Monday was bitter cold but the sun was shining bright when I returned home from work. It seemed a shame to waste the beautiful day so I donned my boots, winter coat, hat, neckie, and warm gloves and took a walk down by the lake. I did not stay long, just long enough to walk from the parking lot at the top of the hill, down the hill and across to the little bridge over the creek. My fingers ached with the cold but I persevered and came home with some nice photos. Without the neckie protecting my neck, chin, cheeks, and nose, I would not have made it that far. 

* It's been a week of snow and arctic temperatures (much of it wind chill), and my coworkers are "so over the snow!" I'll be over it in another month but have purposed to enjoy the cold of February. It will be summer in no time at all and then we will complain about being "too hot!" 

* Family in town this weekend. It remains to be seen how many with whom we'll connect. We're all hoping to join the Celebration of Life in Halifax via Zoom on Saturday, along with a bazillion others scattered across the continent in both Canada and the US.  Prayers are appreciated.

Bits and Pieces

 * I picked up my fused glass nightlight this afternoon. It turned out beautiful for a first time project. The only problem is half our electrical outlets were installed upside down. (Thanks, Dad! LOL!) Thankfully, there are a few, installed in more recent years, upside up.

* A bit of snow is expected through tomorrow. I'm planning to meet a friend at church in the morning and attend a show where my son's band is playing in the afternoon. You've got to love February in Rochester.

* My newest grandbaby will be making his arrival in the next few weeks. It never gets old.

The Afghan...

Are the threads being untangled, or becoming more hopelessly knotted together? And what good is one long, untangled thread, even rolled into a nice, neat ball? Is it not through the weaving and knotting of yarn that the afghan grows? 

(Quite honestly, I am processing as I write. I originally thought untangling was the goal, but am coming to think perhaps they are meant to be wound together...) 

I have often found (or thought) myself on the fringe, connected on one side, yet feeling totally disconnected on another. It's the deep seated childhood fear of being unimportant and all but invisible... Because of our divorce, I do not have the same place in my husband's family. There is a raw edge between us, connected by a few threads. This is the way of life after divorce, but it does not make it less painful. I am grateful for the years of healing, healing tears, and my eldest son's Face-time call from Halifax this past July. I am looking forward to more healing. 

Every strand woven make the tapestry more colorful, yes? Grandma was a strand of bright and brilliant color. I only hope to be a little bit like her in all the best ways.

Another Farewell

What do I say about this goodbye? Another long anticipated crossing over? Thoughts are many but my mind simply doesn't know which way to process this today... It will come in bits and pieces, a few tears here, and few more there...

My son called while I was at work this morning. He wanted to tell me about his grandma's passing in person... "When I was little it felt like I couldn't do anything right," he said. "But when Grandmanita was around, I couldn't do anything wrong." I've been contemplating that all afternoon... What a beautiful gift to leave a grandchild... She was so full of excitement, laughter and encouragement...

Grnadmanita taught me so, so much. Lessons on encouraging others, on accepting those who were different, and on loving myself as well.  She would compliment me and when I blushed or rebuffed her comment, her admonition was, "Say, 'Thank you, I know.'" It was a hard lesson to learn... 

Memories are wonderful gifts. Remembering helps us process grief and loss. Remembering things like my 8 year old daughter getting a toaster, a used one, I think, for Christmas... We have laughed about it for 30 years now. It was a most memorable holiday surprise... LOL!

Lots of tributes on Facebook today... She was well loved.

Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

It feels as if our world is falling apart around us... but in the midst of our governmental chaos, I went out and forgot about all our troubles for a few hours. My friend and neighbor, Beth, invited me to attend a fused glass class with her. She'd been eager to try it and asked me about it when we were out together in December. It sounded like fun and so I agreed.

I went into the class with no expectation at all. On the table were sheets and shards of colored glass, all kinds of glass beads, and glass straws. I picked up pieces of green and red glass, fingered rainbow colored beads, and stared at straws of orange, blue and yellow... 

Years back I dreamed of broken glass mosaics... I have a Pinterest board dedicated to brokenness... I even bought a nipper and a pair of goggles, but I although my own broken pieces are coming back together, I hadn't yet put it into a picture. Not until yesterday. It's a fabulous beginning.

Crossing Over

It was an entirely emotional weekend. Unexpected tears flowed randomly throughout. Mostly I am sad, both for my friend and her family, and for the brokenness that always comes with the passing of someone dear. I've heard in the past that if our loved one is in heaven, then we are sad for ourselves, but I believe there is a deeper pain. As another preacher said, "We weren't created with a file folder for death." When our people die, a piece of us goes along with them; all our conversations, our memories together, our sense of connection... Tears are the healing balm.

As I sat in the funeral home waiting for the service to begin, I was touched on the shoulder. I turned to see a man standing next to me. "Hi, Lady," he said. I had to stand up to recognize the pastor of my previous church fellowship, the one I left when I moved off the farm and away from The Cabinetmaker. As neighbor of my friend, he had been asked to lead the service. The presence of both him and his wife, as well as our conversation following, opened a whole other torrent of emotion.

My ex husband and our separation came up in conversation. "Would you consider reconciliation? (with the Cabinetmaker)," they asked me, to which I answered, "What exactly does 'reconciliation' mean?" I have not been the one hiding these past two years. I have absolutely nothing from which to hide. There is no shame in my leaving, no shame in filing for a divorce. I have never sat down and talked with these people about our situation and it has been nearly 8 years since I moved. "I'm always available to talk," said the pastor's wife... except she's about 10 years too late. She'd have gotten a much reserved conversation years back. Today she'd get an earful and I'm not sure either one of us is ready for that.

I've learned a lot of things about church and organized religion these past ten years. I've also learned a lot about the love of God, His ability to care for me and my family, a lot about protecting women and children, and a lot about standing my ground and guarding my heart. I am sickened by the atrocities hidden behind church doors, the secrets kept, and the fingers pointed. I haven't lost my faith, instead it has deepened in a way I never thought possible. Gone are the trite sayings and flippant responses. Gone are judgement and condemnation (if I ever held that to start) and in their place is more love, more acceptance, and more room for those whose choices I don't understand.
  

Cindy. Cindy had a heart of gold. She was far from perfect, but she knew she was loved by her creator and trusted that her cancer and subsequent passing would glorify God. Her prayers were for her friends and family, myself included. Her prayers are being answered. I know that. God isn't finished with her at all. She may not be here in body, but she will remain in spirit for many years to come.

* Pictures from my walk at Webster Park last week.

Final Goodbyes (or are they?)

It's hard to believe I will never run into her randomly at Wegmans, or turn the corner at the florist gift shop and see her smiling... It's hard to imagine she will never call me out of the blue and say, Hi, Mart! (or Toots, or kiddo...), or that I'll never get another text message... 

She's absolutely right. We almost could have been sisters, with our platinum blond hair and light colored eyes. Her eyes were bluer than mine, her smile brighter. One would have never guessed how much she struggled with rejection. She was beautiful through and through..

The calling hours and service were today. Friend after friend, coworker after coworker, ex husband, son, brother, all testified to her love, both for her friends and family, and her savior. She was one of a kind and our lives are woven together like a tapestry whose threads weave over and around, come together and move apart before coming together and winding around again.  My sweet, sweet Cindy, you will never be forgotten...

"Goodby, my beautiful, sister friend.
Godspeed and I'll meet you on the portal's other side.
Thank you for loving me.
I love you the mostest too."

Bits and Pieces

A myriad of thoughts dance haphazardly through my mind, stumbling, sprawling, colliding, unready (or perhaps unable) to gather into one coherent string of words... 

*A week ago I assembled a small puzzle of our family. It was given to me as a Christmas gift in 2016 by my former daughter in law. All seven of my children, five of their spouses, and eight grandchildren arranged in tight group before Barn 3 back on the farm in Williamson on July 4, 2016. Smiling faces, unaware of (or hiding) the invisible, widening fissures in our family. It was to be our last all together, summer gathering with any semblance of normalcy, no matter how hollow it was for some of us. There would be a tense and nervous Christmas gathering to follow. By the holidays I was breaking into a million pieces while my unknowing children, full of questions, looked on not knowing "what was wrong with Mom." They could only guess... 

* It's January and our work hours have been reduced. It's evidently common for Dunkin to be "slow" this time of year although we still have bouts of utter insanity... I was hired verbally as full time, but the app that details our paychecks lists me as "part time," giving the powers that be the freedom to slash hours without repercussion. My hours have been reduced to 30 from the previous 37 1/2 per week. I have been assured, "It'll pick back up again in February," but the looming tariffs threatened by our current administration would most definitely affect our supply of coffee. Coffee doesn't grow here in the United States... I'm not staying awake thinking about it, but it is there in the back of my mind. I already spent most of the money I'd saved up last summer to fix the brakes on my car. If hours don't pick back up again, I don't know how I'll pay my income taxes...

* I've been in contact with an old friend. Here and there a message. I missed a phone call yesterday because I wasn't at home and therefore away from the WiFi necessary for the app to work. Well, that's disappointing. We have so much to catch up on too.

* We are in the deep freeze, along with the rest of the eastern US. It's nothing out of the ordinary here. Par for the course. Single digit temperatures with frigid wind chills are a normal part of winter. We pile more blankets on the bed, stay inside more (maybe), and drink hot beverages. (Actually, we're still selling a ton of iced and frozen coffees, iced teas, and other iced drinks.) It's the season of soups and stews, and soon 30 degrees will feel like a heat wave. (A picture from yesterday's outdoor adventure, and the reason I missed my friend's phone call...)

Walls and Fortresses

Fear and shame are crippling childhood emotions that often keep us trapped long into adulthood. It can take a lifetime to lay them aside and find healing...

I tried to write about it, but the words are still locked inside. I don't know exactly where the fear and shame came from, but suspect there were multiple cooperating forces, along with a predisposition to being timid... But I do know that the last ten years have stripped away many of the walls I'd built throughout my first 50 years. I'm still the same person I was before, except there are far fewer walls and I can breathe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past Friday my sweet, forever friend Cindy passed into the world beyond. One of those rare and extremely special friends who I didn't have to see often yet was a part of my heart and soul. One day in 2007 we met up for lunch at Panera Bread and sat for four hours! We ate a lunch, talked and laughed, nibbled some cookies, and then some more cookies (her idea), and caught up on so many lost years... It was like we'd never been apart... and now she's gone. Brave, beautiful Cindy... Cancer takes the best of us. I'll find you on the other side and we can sit for hours and hours again...

The Long and Seemingly Never-Ending Saga

I had a day off work yesterday. January is slow at the coffee shop and I had an early morning appointment, and therefore was given the entire day. At 9:15am I found myself in the little town of Honeoye Falls, NY where I met with my attorney, a friend of my friend Gail, who has agreed to represent me in my CPS case. The hearing started at 9:30 with the judge surprised to find I had representation. (I dragged my feet on calling the lawyer to start with and then he needed time to look over the information...) Nothing has been resolved as yet. We have adjourned until March 24.

Farewell 2024

  Farewell 2024... ❤

You were not the year I found my soulmate and fell hopelessly in love... but you were another year in which I learned to let go.

You were not the year of a stamped passport and world travel to far and distant lands... but instead one in which I took a brave and courageous journey home alone.

You were not the year that lead me back to the churches of my childhood... but another year to lead me forging forward on the path of faith.

You were not the year of certainty... but a year in which questions flourished, perspectives widened, and judgement of others faded.

You were not the year that granted all my hopes and dreams... but a cherished moment in time, whispering new and unexpected possibilities.

Merry Christmas 2024!

 December is winding down and 2024 is coming to a close. Change is on the horizon, just like it lingers in our past. Early January brings a CPS hearing for me. The incident that occurred during breakfast in our daycare toddler room (this one) will finally see its appeal. I may or may not have attained counsel... (He's a friend of a friend and we haven't communicated extremely well.) If I am completely honest, anything having to do with OCFS or CPS adversely affects my entire body. Just the sight of the return address on an envelope is triggers a stress reaction. I feel better off putting it completely out of mind. Call me avoidant. Avoidance, though not necessarily healthy, has been my go-to response ever since I can remember, especially when I am helpless to change a situation.

My new job is going well. Getting up early will always come with effort, but I generally enjoy the company as well as the environment. It comes with state mandated sick pay, but no paid vacation time. Now that Christmas is behind us, it's time to start beefing up my savings account again so I can pay my income taxes. I spent my savings fixing my brakes and paying my car insurance for the year. I have a home, I am more than well-fed, and I am clean and warmly dressed. All is well.

We spent Christmas Eve here at home with Nathan and his four children, and had a nice Christmas celebration at the home of my eldest daughter on Christmas day. I saw all of my local kids and grandchildren, and took a phone call from my faraway, once Minnesota, now Florida oldest son. The kids got me a banding wheel to do my pottery. I guess I will soon be back to making those awesome coffee mugs. LOL! Hannah surprised me with a heavy bottomed, stuffed Eeyore (and a gift card) and made my Christmas morning complete. It took me back to another Christmas in this house about 50 years ago when another Eeyore came to stay. (He's still here, treasured, and well loved.)