Tuesday, October 01, 2024

Home, Safe, and Overwhelmed

Hurricane Helene sent some rain and a little bit of wind to Sanford, Florida and utterly decimated Eastern Tennessee and Western North Carolina. As we watched the storm system swirl closer and closer to land on Wednesday I couldn't help but think of those who would lose their lives when she made landfall and moved inland. I never imagined such destruction.

It didn't feel prudent to start for home in the midst of a hurricane so I sat out Thursday and considered leaving Florida on Friday, but the hurricane was drawing enough wind off the Atlantic and over the east coast, that I opted to wait once again. I honestly don't love traveling in a driving rain. My halfway point, where I'd thought to find a hotel, Rocky Mount, North Carolina, was hit by a tornado Friday afternoon. I'd been wise to stay put once again.


The weather in Sanford was beautiful on Friday. Jim suggested I might like to visit Harry P. Leu (Botanical) Gardens. It was a good choice. The gardens were amazing and I enjoyed the tour of the house as well. Being the only individual on the tour was wonderful. I wandered the paths on my own, took pictures, and soaked in the scenery. A few hours later I drove up the road and found some cookies at Gideon's Bakehouse, and stopped at the A&T store on my way back to Jim and Michele's house. What do you know?! I can use the GPS in my phone!!!

I woke up early enough on Saturday morning to catch a shower before heading toward Daytona and Flagler Beach where I found Marty. We sat and talked for a while and he helped me get Siri set up on my new phone and we put in a request that she get me home. I left the beach at about 11:10 am and started up I-95 North. I could have (and should have) stopped in North Carolina to stay with a friend, but I hadn't put her address into my itinerary and drove right past I-40. (Not the washed out part in Tennessee, but the part closest to I-95.) I drove another 3 hours to Chester, Virginia where my sweet daughter and son in law used Marriottt points to book me a room at the Fairfield Inn. A bed never felt so wonderful! I'd have slept like a baby had my entire body not been "buzzing" from the long hours on the highway. After breakfast on Sunday morning, I continued north toward home and pulled into my own driveway at about 5:30 pm., tired but safe. It was a long drive but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Yesterday morning I went to put gasoline in my car and the scrubbing, grinding noise I'd heard in Pennsylvania the day before returned, along with another sound I can't presently identify. I decided to stop at Klem's Garage and leave my car there in the lot. Hopefully they get some time to look at it before next Tuesday's appointment. For now I am home with Killian and we'll be walking if we want to get out.

It's been 5 months now since I've had a regular job and two weeks since I've had any income at all. If I'm honest, I am more than a little terrified on the inside. I have a looming CPS hearing (on January 6, 2025) and should talk to a lawyer because I don't know how to do this alone, a "probably significant" car repair bill coming up, and all my regular expenses as well. No one is going to "take care of me" any more than they already have been. (I am grateful for those who live here with me in my house. They make staying here possible.) I have money in my bank account that would cover my bills, but it's also supposed to cover my taxes come spring. God has always provided for my needs, however I can't help but feel anxious.

Our north east summer has come to an end. Today, for the first time in over two weeks (at least!) I put on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I'm not ready to admit it is autumn, even though I've always said it's my favorite. I haven't yet donned socks and shoes... Maybe I should have gotten a job in Florida... LOL!

PS. It warmed up and I'm back to shorts and a sleeveless top.

Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Hurricane Helene

I spent several days at the home of my friend Ann before heading east on my son's birthday. It was so hard to leave her behind after spending so many days together and watching her go through some of the most difficult days of her life... I had planned to spend Jim's birthday with him, meet my friend Marty for sunrise at Jubba Beach Wednesday morning and head for home early Thursday, but my plans have been thwarted.

It's been a quiet day. I did not get up before the sun and drive to the east coast. Hurricane Helene is crawling up the west side of Florida, threatening havoc. My friend Marty, who was to meet me at the beach, was called on to secure several boats in the Daytona/Palm Coast area. I took a short drive around Sanford and got caught in the rain coming out of Walmart. It was a wonderfully exhilarating, warm, tropical rain. Several bands passed over today and more wind and rain are expected throughout the night and well into tomorrow. I won't be heading north toward home until the threat of storms and flooding has passed, whenever that may be. The kids have been given a day off school tomorrow.

Sunday, September 22, 2024

What Day Is It?

What can I say about the last week and two days...? So many fragmented thoughts have still to be knitted together in my heart and mind. 

Forty years ago on the sidewalk outside our apartment, a little boy rode a tiny bike and threatened to knock my three year old off his tricycle. "How about I knock you off your bike?" I'd asked him, and he quickly replied, "My mom will call the police." Last night that little boy came home from the store with a half gallon of Rocky Road Ice Cream and said to his mom, "I brought the things you asked for and Martha texted and asked for ice cream, so I brought that too." (I hadn't, but that's beside the point.)

Friendships don't always begin with pleasantries. At our first encounter that little boy had also walked right up to me and declared, "We worship Jehovah." He stood directly in front of me as I sat on the ground watching Jimmy ride his tricycle, and waited for my response. "We worship Jesus," I told him.

While I remember those first moments of interaction, most of what came in the days, months, and years to follow blends together into an afghan of lifetime friendship. I heard her family call her "Ruthie," while the neighbors told me her name was Ann. My mother stepped up when the family needed daycare. On a moment's notice James and I were invited to her wedding in the community center at the apartment complex and learned on our way there that her new husband was the cousin of our friend. In time both of our families moved to the same little town in Wayne County, NY and I babysat on and off while she worked. We each had another baby giving each of us four (Josh, Joel, Charlie, and Drew for her, and Jim, Dave, Beth, and Joe for me). We took our kids on picnics, talked on the phone for hours, and argued religion. Tragedy struck their extended family and they moved a half hour farther out into the country. There was a barn and horses and a continued friendship.

I don't know why some people face trials and tragedies over and over and over, I only know that each one she faced knit us closer together. It's not my place to list them here, but I can tell you I have never stopped loving her and her children. Last Friday morning when she sent a text telling me the doctors at the Pennsylvania hospital had advised her to ask family members to come and say their last goodbyes to her sweet husband, she was a thousand miles from home. My daughters didn't hesitate to encourage me, for the third time in as many weeks, to make the 2 1/2 hour drive to the hospital. I sat with my friend, did everything I could to help her and the staff, met her son at the elevator when he made his 7:30 pm arrival, and made no attempt to hide my own sorrow when her husband David left this world at 12:30 am on Saturday, September 14. We spent the night at a hotel, met with a Pennsylvania funeral home, picked up her camper from a family member, and made the drive north from Watkins Glen, NY to my home in Webster. On Tuesday we headed south and I followed them home. 

I could look heavenward and ask God all the same "why?" questions I've asked in the past but the trusting Him to be there is much easier than understanding any of the "whys?" He is the one who knit this friendship together. He is the one who takes yarns of contrasting and complimentary colors and fashions the strands into unimaginably beautiful blankets. I don't understand, but I know He does.

Wednesday, September 11, 2024

Playing Catch Up (again)

Very often I write for myself. This is one of those times that I will need to look back on in the future and so I record my thoughts and memories here while they are fresh. The events of life tumble and spin often leaving us wondering how, what, and why? This is one of those moments...

Three weeks ago my friend Ann left Florida with her husband David. They hooked up their camper and drove from the Ocala area through Virginia and into southern New York State, back to the place where they grew up together. They had plans to drive all the way north to Lake Ontario but first there was an August 25 family reunion for David. A day or two later his nose started bleeding and it just wouldn't stop. They went to the ER. When I went down to visit a week later, because he felt too week to drive 2 hours north, it was still bleeding randomly. On the evening of September 1 she took him back to the ER. They eventually transferred him to a hospital with a Level 2 Trauma Unit. That is where I went on Friday morning (September 6). With his platelet levels plummeting, the prognosis is dire. We had a bit of hope on Saturday when a trial treatment helped to raise the platelet levels. He was able to converse coherently and was even up and walking. He looked so good that I felt it was okay to go home, but his levels are dropping once again. My heart is breaking for my sweet friend who finally, after years of heartache, found the love of her life and is now losing him.

So, I have driven south to the Pennsylvania border twice in the space of a week. I watched as a support team from the Jehovah's Witnesses came to love, encourage, and pray with them and found myself impressed by their network. (They are Witnesses.) This past Friday night I stayed in my friend's camper while she slept in a hospital chair in her husband's room. I am completely undone by the fact that I am any comfort at all to my friend. We have been through a lifetime together, much of it separated by distance yet stitched together by love. Your prayers for my friends is appreciated ever so much.

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We got some rain here Monday afternoon. Buckets of it! I was out taking a few photos on the front step when my phone sounded the alarm. (Flower photo at the top taken previous to the alarm sounding.) It was a warning for possible flash flooding in my area. Thankfully I don't have a basement, and I don't have a creek running through my back yard either, although we did have a bit of a "lake" for a time. The town of Webster, NY is right along Lake Ontario so in some ways it couldn't have fallen in a better location.

Wednesday, September 04, 2024

Day Dreaming

 An autumn walk on the beach is sounding absolutely fabulous at the moment. This is the lake. I'm dreaming of somewhere warm and sunny in say, October or November.

PS. Sorry for the Brain Barf of the previous post. I'm feeling better now.

Brain Barf

When the brain is too full it's time for a blog. There are so many thoughts bouncing that I'm likely to give up writing partway through and stash it as a draft forever, but I'm going to give it a whirl anyway. Obviously politics, but I don't want to turn you off at the get-go so that'll have to wait.

* I received a packet from OCFS (Office of Children and Family Services) in the mail on Friday. It is topped off with a letter to the judge stating that the contents within states, "the attached forms and documents should be admitted without regard to the truth or falsity of the contents of such forms and documents, and no implication may be made by the hearing officer as to the truth or falsity of any of the contents of any of the forms or documents solely on the basis of such forms and documents having been admitted into evidence."  I'm not entirely sure what all of that means but having looked through the packet, it is severely lacking in information that would exonerate either one of us such as the water being heated and brought into the room by another individual or the fact that we were both addressing other potentially harmful situations at the exact time of said incident. I'm finding myself entirely discouraged by this process. Phone appointment with the judge mid September, hearing date set at that time.

* I have yet to find suitable employment outside of the home. I applied at the local credit union by internet yesterday. Questions about prior employment are hard to answer. I can't even imagine how it must be for those actually convicted of a crime. 

* It's been a fabulous summer with a few stressful moments tossed in. My skin is tanned and I am loaded up with vitamin D. My toes have been polished and my cup is full. I spent most of my time with grandchildren but also enjoyed lots of outside time.

* I hate election years with a passion but have decided the stakes are high enough this time around that I can't afford to keep silent. I do not agree with all of the Democratic policies, however I see a clear and present danger lurking on the other side. A President like DJT or JD Vance can never, ever be handed complete immunity from prosecution. What are we thinking? Have we learned absolutely nothing from history?

* One of my best friends is 2 1/2 hours away, sitting in a hospital room with her husband. He is gravely ill and they are 18 hours from their home in Florida. They hauled a trailer from home, brought their dog, and my heart is breaking for them. There is nothing I can do but pray and be a support system. I visited them on Sunday at their campsite. When I left she took him to the Emergency Room. He is a 10 year heart transplant recipient and my friend is terrified of losing the only man who ever truly loved her. 

* So that's it for now... Aside from me dreaming of driving to Florida to walk the beach. LOL!

Wednesday, August 21, 2024

Hills, Valleys, and Vistas


Life is filled with hills and valleys, wide roads and narrow paths. Each individual must choose whether to keep pressing forward, backtrack to an alternative route, or forge a new trail. Life is give and take. No one has enough to give without accepting, and taking without a willingness to share creates deficits in ourselves and others. 
 
I am entirely grateful for those along my path. To those who nurtured and loved me while I learned to stand, toddle and run, I will be forever grateful. To those who gently encouraged me across difficult terrain, thank you! And to yet others who turned me in slightly different directions, pointed out new horizons, and advocated that I stretch my understanding, I am incredibly indebted.
 
To those who believe your subtle words and actions aren't making a difference, let me assure you they are not falling on deaf ears or blind eyes. Rest when you are weary, take shelter in the storm, nourish your soul and keep forging on. Every smile, every nod of the head, every word of comfort and consolation make an impact. Every child you inspire, every friend you reassure, every stranger you hearten makes the world brighter. Together we have the power to make the world a brighter place.

Monday, August 19, 2024

Back to the Blog

"I'm processing," I told her. She'd walked into the room where I was sitting on the edge of the couch folding laundry, two silent tears rolling down my face... Sometimes I process by writing. Sometimes the processor is set to "whir" and that is all it can do.

It rained all day, a continual, misty rain that managed to drench everything. Hannah worked four hours this afternoon, Sergio left to move a piece of company equipment and came home again, and I felt strangely unanchored and out of sorts. I went down to the lake for a minute. (The tree and a 15 year old girl were struck by lightening on Saturday afternoon. Thanks to the quick thinking of others present, she was given CPR and survived. I hope the tree does too.)

I've gotten a pretty decent suntan this summer. Even my legs are slightly tanned. That's saying a lot since they haven't seen much sunlight since I was about 8 years old. After 9 years of spending way too much time inside, I took full advantage of my chance at a summer. I only wish camping had been part of the package. I miss camping.

The Presidential race is picking up steam. It is fascinating in many ways, and oh so ugly in others. I have so many thoughts that I won't share here... LOL!

Monday, August 05, 2024

Practice

I practiced being home alone today. My family was gone overnight and I had nothing pressing for my time and attention today. I slept in, read the book my sister lent me, played with some slabs of clay, and met my beautiful daughter for a burrito on her meal break at dinner-ish time. I thought I might take an evening walk, but dark clouds blocked out the sunset and rain poured down. I decided to stay inside instead.

The flowers are from yesteryear...

Saturday, August 03, 2024

August

I like to call it "Summer's Second Half" because the children here don't go back to school until September. It's been a hard week and a good week all rolled up together. A Swiss Cake Roll Kind of Week. 

 I can't remember Sunday...

On Monday I took the boys to the park and when they didn't know, I called my son Nate to see if he was anywhere nearby with his little people. I had to smile when I heard Idris shout, "Wesley!" because I could hear the smile in his excitement at seeing his cousin. 

Tuesday was rough. One of my grands had a major meltdown. The child was totally out of control which left me feeling totally helpless... These events trigger an anger deep inside and eventually I was sobbing. We are working on solutions to help this child regain focus and learn to regulate emotions. This is hard. So hard.

My Wednesday morning Zoom meeting with my therapist came at exactly the right time. I was grateful to have someone to talk it out with. By Wednesday afternoon I was ready to meet my cousins at the park where we set up our pottery stand. It was a beautiful evening of passersby and music. When it was time to go home I found I'd left my car keys in the ignition with the AC fan turned on and my battery was completely drained. A kind gentleman helped me out by jumping my car and I was able to get home without incident.

I was thoroughly humiliated Thursday morning when Sergio informed me, with a slight smile in his voice, that my car was still running. I'd meant to leave it run for "ten minutes" after I returned home and had totally forgotten. (What a dork! LOL!!!) I was happy to find I still had enough gas in the tank to get to Bethany's for the day. The kids had a fabulous afternoon playing in the Rickety Tree House. After dinner I called my friend Cindy and was able to stop over and visit her for an hour. She is one of my forever, since we were babies, friends and is fighting an inoperable type of liver cancer. Oh, how I love her...

Today was hot and humid, especially after it rained. It was a good day to watch a movie. I was just making an afternoon cup of coffee when my phone rang and I heard a distressed son on the other end of the line. He'd had a bicycle accident on his way to work a few hours earlier and his foot was in terrible pain, so much that he thought it might be broken. I packed the boys, Idris and Killian, into the car and we took off to find Uncle Joe and take him to Urgent Care. The foot is not broken, but badly sprained. He is greatly relieved but still in much pain. That pair of crutches he has standing in a corner of his apartment are coming in handy.

Monday, July 29, 2024

Goodbye, July

Two more days, but those two are going to be okay. The month of July is mostly behind me. Now I can breathe. It's not as though all of life's challenges have miraculously melted away, but my mind and body are less in survival mode and more in the moment. I'm still appealing two indicated child abuse reports, still "unemployed" but "working" for my daughters, and still not always certain which way to turn. What I do know is I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, and little ones who need to be loved and taken care of.

I took the boys to the park today. Our last trip there ended in disaster when Killian saw the playground filled with children and promptly declared, "I don yike dose kids," before ever getting out of the car. LOL! Today, although the parking lot was full, the playground was almost empty. He and Idris all but had it to themselves. Only two others were there. Others came in time, but by then Kili was acclimated and didn't complain. I found myself smiling when I heard Idris proclaim, "Wesley!" He had no idea I'd called his Uncle Nate to see if they were nearby. It was a fun afternoon. (Sorry, no pictures. Ha ha! I was busy reading a book and felting pumpkins.)

Thursday, July 25, 2024

Be Anxious...

If you are familiar with scripture, then you will know the rest of the verse, but knowing and implementing do not always go hand in hand. I slept last night, but the previous night was fraught with gripping anxiety. So many unsettled thoughts...

But today. Today is a new space in time. Another new beginning.

Tuesday, July 23, 2024

D Day

All of July is pointing toward this day. All the tension in my body, the emotional disregulation, the mental exhaustion. After today my body and mind will relax and most of the tension will melt away. Most of it. Today is D Day. The day the flowers died. Cultivating new growth requires a strength and intentionality I do not always possess. Today I long for a home to which I can never return. Tomorrow I will in all likelihood be ready to pick up a shovel and work in the new "garden" again.

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. On Saturday I went out toward Buffalo with my sister Priscilla. We went to Knox Farm State Park and walked the grounds. Free parking, free entry. I took a bazillion pictures. After a quick lunch, we took a peek in a pottery shop in East Aurora and then headed to Daemen University in Amhurst where we walked the labyrinth across from Curtice Hall. Coffee ice cream at Sweet Jenny's was next, followed by a walk in Glen Park just behind Jenny's. After our ice cream it was time to head to the airport and find Jamie, Priscilla's husband who had been stuck in San Antonio overnight due to the computer outage.

On Sunday I was invited to tag along on a Trejo family outing to Stony Brook State Park in Dansville. I hadn't been there since we camped when Hannah was five years old. We walked the Gorge trail from the bottom up and then back down again. Determination took me all the way up the never-ending staircase at the top of the trail. I had taken my shoes off at one of the waterfalls and walked it barefooted. Yesterday my calves decided to punish me and I find walking at all to be painful. Ha ha! Stony Brook did the exact same thing to me 24 years ago.

I am intentionally setting out new plants, making new memories, in hopes that the old ones will one day not throw me off balance over and over again but today I miss my old gardens. I miss my house on the farm, my spacious kitchen full of my own things, the oversized couch where I took afternoon naps, the breezy back porch, and someone to enfold me in his arms... Tomorrow I will stand firm again, but for today my heart is achy.

Monday, July 15, 2024

Sundays

Sundays must be spent intentionally otherwise I end up home alone wondering what to do and how to fill my time. I did not go to church yesterday. Partially because I don't know exactly where to go and partially because there are places I know I don't want to go.

I messaged several people; my sister who was heading out to visit family, my friend Gail who did not answer because she was asleep, and my friend Laura who was planning an afternoon shopping trip with her daughter. I decided to return an item I had purchased at Aldi, pick up some photos at Walgreens, and run into Wegmans for a bottle of conditioner because shampoo and conditioner never run out at the same time. I also checked the pharmacy for my upcoming prescription refill. It was while waiting in the pharmacy line that I spotted Wendy. I called Wendy's name and waved. She is the owner of the daycare where I worked for so many years. It was a good connection, one I have needed to make happen.

I was in Wegmans when Gail woke up and sent me a message. We decided to catch up and later met our friend Linda for a late lunch at Uno's. Their Honey Crisp Chicken Salad is delicious! Back home again I took a look at my computer and listened to Audible. The Body Keeps the Score. I am not sure how to process this book... I heard rain, looked up and it was pouring outside! Of course my car windows were open just slightly. I ran out to close them and returned dripping wet. LOL!

In the evening, just after my family returned and the rain had dissipated, I got a text from Laura. We had agreed to meet up for an ice cream. I haven't caught up with her in what feels like a long time. We ate our ice cream and decided to visit Webster Park where we walked out on the pier, watched the sunset, and talked until dusk. The rain had cooled the stifling heat, the lake was calm, and it was an absolutely beautiful evening.

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Where Do I Go From Here?

 Life wasn't meant to be lived alone. In life there should be a companion, someone who is by your side through the ups and downs, someone to hold you when you hurt, and someone to set you back on your feet when life knocks you backward and sucks the wind out of your lungs. I have friends. I do not have a companion. 

I would have followed him anywhere had he asked. If there was ever a moment in time when he was willing, I will likely never know. Perhaps he was as terrified of rejection as me. For better or for worse, that chapter has now closed. I was never asked and therefore never followed. It wasn't meant to be.

Where do I go from here in this "alone, but not solitary" world? Surrounded by people yet aching for connection... Filled with longing but never fulfilled... All the platitudes in the world won't fill the void. The heart will heal, perhaps, if I will allow it to grieve.

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Class of 2024

My Flower Garden Girls are graduating from high school. The ceremony is this evening. I'm not going. I'm here at home with Numbers Idris and Killian, but Hannah and Sergio will be there because Sergio's brother and nephew are graduating too. The older I get the more I hear myself saying, "Where did the time go?"

Emma and Bella

Ivy

Emma and Sophia

And these three boys as well. 

Aldo (Raul's best friend), Charlie (Sergio's nephew), and Raul (Sergio's brother). The picture was taken at Hannah and Sergio's wedding in September 2015.

I've been invited to graduation parties for Bella, Ivy, and the three boys in the bottom photo. It is my hope and prayer to find Emma at Bella's party. (I don't expect to be invited to hers.) Sophia's graduation ceremony was last week. She'll be getting a card in the mail, although I would love to find my way 6-7 hours east and give her a big hug and congratulations in person.


Sunday, June 16, 2024

Happy Father's Day

It's been a good week. I had a visit with my favorite therapist on Tuesday morning and am paying closer attention to the parts inside that make up who I am. My parts don't always agree; some are confident and brave, and others fear failure and rejection to the point of avoiding activities and potential relationships. The grown up Martha is learning to take care of the child and other parts within. By the time I grow up completely I'll probably be at least 75 and totally gray. I'm mostly okay with that. Life is a process. I love who I am much more today than I ever have in the past.

Yesterday my sister and I took an hour and a half drive south to a destination nestled on a hill overlooking the eastern shore of Seneca Lake in central NY. We were there for a baby shower celebrating the impending arrival of our sister's first grandchild. It was a beautiful day. I took advantage of our all being in one spot to take a photo of the three of us. (Old photo from the same destination.)

Monday, June 10, 2024

Fresh Breeze

The tears have dissipated, just as I knew they would. I am okay once again.

I had a lovely Saturday. In the morning hours I took a basket of jelly/canning jars out to my son who makes jellies, salsas, and pickles. (I am cleaning out.) From Dave's house I drove to the next town where my eldest daughter and her family were working on their rental unit. It has been abused and neglected for several years and they have decided it's time to put it on the market. Finally, I headed toward Lake Ontario and my friend Gail's cottage.

Gail and I took a drive to Sodus Point and had lunch at Captain Jack's. BLT's for both of us, a side of mac salad water for her, and sweet potato fries and iced tea for me. Around the corner from the marina I found the Imprint Coffee Food Truck where I bought an small, afternoon half decaf and then we parked the car at the park and walked the beach.

I purposed to keep my feet (sneakers)  and blue jeans dry and kept an eye on the waves lapping the shore, but anyone who knows me is aware that I almost always come home with wet feet. It was a beautiful, relaxing afternoon of scouring the sand. I came home with several bits of polished glass and a pocketful of rocks. Maybe I'll do some paining, eh?


Saturday, June 08, 2024

Sometimes She Cries

 And what think you of tears?

The toddler Martha stood silent, a knot blocking her throat, desperately attempting to hold back the torrent of tears welling up within...

I am a crier, much to my parents chagrin and much to the annoyance of my former husband, who both likely determined my tears to be a form of manipulation, but "silent tears fall at the moment when we feel the most alone, vulnerable and lost."

 (I went in search of a quote that might speak to my thoughts and found it here. I don't know that anything in the article represents me. Honestly, I didn't read much. I was simply collecting words that fit my own thoughts.)

I've shed so many tears in my lifetime that I'm certain God has several cisterns full because there couldn't possibly be a bottle big enough for all the silent tears I've cried. I'm finally finding words for what I feel and, sometimes, like today, for why. It is the fear of feeling lost, vulnerable and alone.

This week came with a major (from my perspective) relationship shift and try as I might to squelch the Toddler Martha, she appeared again and again until I lay in bed at night in the dark of my room, tears flowing, speaking out loud to the small child within. "It's okay. It's okay... You're going to be okay." 

Life is full of loss. It is also full of gifts. Letting go is hard, especially when the heart becomes entangled, and even when I know deep inside the release must come. The hand can only grasp something new when the old is set free.

Monday, May 27, 2024

Hooray!

He's home!!! My son in law is home and we are thrilled! It was a very long day of travel and sitting in airports with delay after delay, but he is home, tired and smiling. I'm sure the terrible weather and tornadoes in the mid west, especially Texas, might have had something to do with the delays. We are grateful for airplane maintenance crews, dedicated airline personnel, and tireless pilots. The kids were all smiles when they got up this morning.

It's a rainy Memorial Day but we had no plans for a picnic. We are laying low today, catching up on lost sleep and remembering to be thankful.

Thursday, May 23, 2024

Just Waiting

Now we wait.

We wait for Sergio to get his passport back.

We wait for his return.

I wait for for an official letter regarding the 2nd CPS investigation at work.

I wait for news pertaining to my appeal of the first CPS decision.

I wait for Bethany's return from vacation.

It's been a lot of waiting.

We've been decompressing. Most of the time I have peace. Every once in a while panic grips my heart and I must consciously loosen its grip once again. What exactly am I afraid of? I am afraid of running out of money. I am afraid of being dependent on my children. I am afraid of not being able to keep up with expectations. I am afraid, and yet still there is peace. The money is not gone and my immediate bills are covered. We are interdependent because we all depend on each other. None of us meet every expectation. All we are able to give is our best and I can do that.

Monday, May 20, 2024

Petition Granted


It's been a week of tears and trials, wondering and waiting, and fears and faith. At 6:07 am on May 11, after leaving her "best friend in the whole world at the airport with a one way ticket to a city 2000 miles away," my sweet daughter put out a petition for prayer.  On Tuesday, May 14 she said, "Thank you to everybody who has been praying for us so far. Please keep praying for peace and courage and strength. Today is only day four of an absolutely brutal separation and it is hard not to be discouraged when we’re missing each other so much." On Saturday she wrote, "Sergio has his green card interview on Monday morning. I am trying to get as many people as I can to pray on Monday, because right now we’re feeling like we need a miracle. Please pray on Monday. Share our story with anybody who will also pray. Friends, family, church members. Everybody you can think of..." and this morning, "Sergio is waiting in line for his interview now. Prayers are so appreciated! Although still terrified, we are feeling so much calmer than we expected, and I really believe it’s because of everybody praying" She is one of the strongest, bravest, and most beautiful people I know. I am so very proud of her. We are breathing easier tonight. Sergio's petition has been granted and we are eager to have him back home again soon. 

My own trial pales in comparison.  I get to stay home with Killian. (There is a silver lining, isn't there?) Although I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes, mostly due to future financial needs, I also have a unexplainable peace. My present bills are paid and I have money in the bank to cover immediate expenses. My kids won't let me starve and we don't have a mortgage or costly rental agreement. I get to enjoy the sunshine, plant some flowers, and play checkers with my grandson. What could be better than that?

Sunday, May 19, 2024

Parades and Parties

Yesterday was the Williamson Apple Blossom Parade. Since my children grew up living there, the Apple Blossom Festival was an integral part of their childhoods, so Hannah and I packed the boys into the minivan and set off to watch.