Forty-Five

Forty-five years ago, in a small ceremony in my parents' backyard, I said "I do" because I couldn't bear to part with my unborn child. (So much is said of the woman who "trapped" the guy, but I was the one caught in a trap.) In 1981 "Christian" girls didn't birth and keep children born out of wedlock. They either quietly terminated a pregnancy, or disappeared for a few months and secretly released their child into the arms of complete strangers. I took what felt like the "easy path," although it was far from simple or painless. I gave up my childhood sweetheart, high school graduation, college, and my reputation. Maybe he felt trapped too, but he had been taken in a snare of his own making, one which he would bemoan on and off throughout the years. I was caught because there was little room for escape and only two choices, marry him or sacrifice my child. I don't say it to make anyone sorry. It is what it is, and I loved him deeply for many, many years. On the outside it looked as though we'd made it, and most days I sincerely believed it myself. I put every ounce of energy into making it so, but grasping the wind or holding water in one's hands is impossible...

Sometimes the broken cannot be repaired or reconciled no matter how much we wish it to be so. Sometimes a break is desperately needed. Even life saving surgeries do not come without pain. Open wounds heal with time. Broken bones mend. Scars, numb and tender all at once, remain. Divorce, even necessary ones, leave scars.

Today, instead of a wedding anniversary, my kids and I will celebrate, in our traditional manner, the birth of my fifth child. There will be love, laughter, and strawberry shortcake. (He turned 36 yesterday.) I have wiped away the tears, gently soothed the ache inside, and counted not the losses, but the blessings. He is just one of many.

Forty-Two

In spite of the the teary April and melancholy May, this has been my best June in seven years. It came with all the same anniversaries but fewer overwhelming emotions. 

Sunday was Father's Day. I spent a couple of hours that afternoon with my son Nathan and his four children, Joe and Ben, and of course Hannah and Sergio and the boys. We had a late birthday party with cake for Logan who turned 4 on June 8, and strawberry shortcake for Nathan because he turned 33 on June 19.

Last night we met at the Webster Park Playground and made ice cream sundaes for Nate's birthday because everyone needs to be remembered on their special day, especially when it comes with sending your kids back home to Mom at the end.It was a good night and we got to see Sabrina for a minute too.

Today. I did okay with today, although every so often I feel tears just beneath the surface. It's okay to feel sad. It's healthy so long as I acknowledge the pain and don't stay there. It's been 42 years since James and I were married as 17 year old kids. It's not hard to love the pieces of him that are kind, loving, and funny. I can even love the sometimes angry James. He did so many things, big and small, to make me laugh or feel loved... I wish that was the entire story. I wish there hadn't been other pieces because I still love him in so very many ways.

I stopped at the church two weeks ago to drop off a roll of tape he'd left here when he helped me with the paneling upstairs. In the parking lot I ran into his friend Kathy getting something out of her car. They hang out together, have dinners and parties at her house, and keep each other company. She is a beautiful woman who I love and respect, but I hadn't seen her in several years. I called to her as I walked toward the door. When we met each other I gave her a big hug. I told her that I love her and she said the same. We went inside and I took the tape to James. When I was leaving the parking lot, Kathy came out to find me. "I want you to know," she said, "that Jim and I are just friends."
"It's okay," I told her, and it is. There is no one else on earth that I would want more to love and encourage my children.
Kathy is not young. She is older than us by10-15 years. Our being divorced has nothing to do with her. As far as I am concerned she is nothing but a sweetheart, much loved by the church body, and highly respected. Her late husband was the heartbeat of the church. I may be confused by the friendship between her and James, but I am okay with it too. I am relieved to have seen her, to have given her a hug, and to have talked. This is a big step in my healing.

June 19. Nathan's birthday and 4 years since our divorce was final. There's a bit of a sting in my heart tonight, a few tears, and a whole lot of healing. I am more than okay.

(Two posts this evening because I'm playing Catch-Up.)

Where Have I Been?

Regular blogging takes a kind of concentration that is almost absent most days, but I'm still here. By the time I come upstairs at night, my mind and body are tired and my thoughts jumbled, as they are tonight. I've been feeling a little "off" lately, but today was some better. I'm not entirely sure what threw me off kilter, but I think I'm gradually getting to centered again.

Speaking of being centered, my pottery class was this evening. Night 6 of 8. Two more and the class is over. I have no new photographs to share. I've felt a bit out of my element this time around but tonight was a tad better. I actually pulled a decent sized cylinder, even if it did eventually collapse. I'd been feeling pretty discouraged with pottery so this is a ray of hope.

Sunday afternoon found me taking a long drive to a picnic at the home of my cousin Deb. There was a little bit of a celebration in honor of Aunt Mary and Uncle Chuck's birthdays and wedding anniversary. Looking back in the "Blog Files" leads me to conclude this was number 62. Aunt Mary is struggling and I am sad to see her looking so different from how she will always be remembered, always smiling and full of life. These are my only remaining aunt and uncle. Everyone else if gone...

I took my camera along to the party, left it in my car, went back out to get it, and then put it back again. I just didn't feel at ease snapping pictures of family members who hardly know me and didn't want to make uncomfortable those who do. So much has changed since the old gatherings... (Perhaps this is part of why I am feeling off. My heart hurts just writing this.) Anyway, a pair of robins had built their nest under the eave of the house and on top of a downspout. The momma and poppa birds were tag-teaming the feeding of their little family. Needless to say I went back for my camera.

Bits and Pieces

I made it through the weekend without any emotional breakdowns. (I did that on Thursday.) Thankfully, this particular event/anniversary packed weekend doesn't occur every year. Sometimes Father's Day comes a little earlier... The other events remain the same as they are the anniversaries.

I'd talked with my therapist about this particular weekend when I was in the office a week ago and we both agreed that I should seek out some friends to spend time with, so I put an "ad" on Facebook and waited for my friends to respond. LOL!

On Thursday afternoon I met the sister of my friend Shelly. She lives a few miles down the road from my work so finding her was easy. We shared a drink and some lunch and chatted for a couple of hours. It was a good visit. The emotional piece came after my return home when I learned that my Minnesota son and his family had changed their summer plans and there would be no backyard camp out at the end of July. (This situation has since been remedied, much to my relief, but I couldn't stop the tears at the time.)

Friday evening I drove out to Victor, NY to have dinner with my friend Laura. After our cookout we took a ride into Canandaigua for an ice cream cone at the Cheshire Farms Creamery. I had Sea Salt Caramel ice cream. So delicious! We ate our cones in my car and then drove down by the lake. It was a beautiful evening. I didn't get home until around 11 pm. Imagine that!

Saturday afternoon found me driving out to Williamson to find my friend Gail. We've known each other since we were children, but never hung out together. We walked from her cottage at Hollands Cove over to Hugh's Marina and sat on a driftwood log along the lake shore. It was the perfect June day.


On Saturday evening Hannah and Sergio went out to a party and I stayed home with Number Nine. It was an absolutely fabulous evening. We went around the block (his suggestion), watered the flowers (which of course resulted in him getting wet), and he played in a bucket of water out in the driveway. When the water had been dumped twice, we headed inside and he took a shower (with some help, of course).

Today my friend Chris picked me up early and we headed into Rochester to visit the Maplewood Rose Gardens, walk along the river, and visit Brown's Race at the High Falls. Before heading home we stopped at Panera Bread, picked up a lunch, and took it to Webster Park where we ate in her car with a perfect view of Lake Ontario. At home I took a long nap.

It's been a beautiful weekend. I made it though without any major issues. It was perfect.

Bits and Pieces

- Monday. Today is Monday. It gets hard to keep track when my schedule is all over the map.

- My oldest daughter posted this photo of her little girl eating breakfast. Looks oh, so much! like her Uncle Ben a few years back. Gotta love Life cereal.

- My youngest daughter is having fun with her baby. Getting him into reading early, and he actually looks quite intent on that books he's "reading." They've already instituted a bedtime story routine.

- We still have eleven chickens and that rooster is still an idiot. I carry my broom to the coop every morning just in case he needs a swat.

- Naughty One has taken up the very bad habit of sleeping on Grandma's table. He gets away with it only because we rarely go in that room. Well, that and he's been hiding behind a box. It doesn't help that I'm gone so often...

 - This is Day 28 of my 30 Day Challenge. I've lost 6 pounds, which is what I gained over the holidays. The best part is I've been drinking lots of water. I'm aiming for 60 oz or more a day and my skin actually feels different. Now to make it a lifelong habit.

- I went to Color-Me-Mine a week or so ago and glazed my first piece. A coffee mug, because I don't have enough of those already... Plain boring white cup with "Now Jesus loved Martha" written around it. I couldn't recall the scripture reference at the time but it's John 11:5.

Thirty-Four

Thirty-four years ago this day I promised to love, honor, and obey as long as we both should live.  It's been a struggle for both of us. ha ha! We've had some great years and some not so great, but here we are, still learning to love and respect each other in spite of all life brings our way. Only by the grace of God.

Last night found us taking a ride down Lake Road to Sodus Point. It was a beautiful evening.

The beach wasn't crowded, but there were people. Families were fishing, couples were strolling, and a small group of teens were playing by the water.

In just a few minutes I'll be heading out to my new job. Even though it's low pressure and I have nothing to fear, I still feel that little bit of hesitation that comes with anything new.

I have packed a book to look at while my friend naps, a few snacks, a couple bottles of water, and a thermos of orange passion- fruit and jasmine green tea. Leaving the crochet hooks home until I have a better handle on how my days will go.

I am off into the unknown, but first I have to stop by Urgent Care and have them look at my PPD test spot. Wouldn't you know it? I have a bug bite right next to it.

Thirty-three Years

Where has the time gone? I can scarcely believe I am over 33 years old much less married for that long. Could that warm June day really have been so many years ago? Could it really be I have slept by his side for 33 years? It seems just a short time ago we were looking forward to our 17th anniversary, the one that marked us being married for half our lives, and now we have almost doubled that time. Was our 25th anniversary really 8 years ago already? The one where our kids threw us a surprise party down at the park and invited so many friends and family members?

(Do you know what? A beautiful flower arrangement was just delivered to my door. How sweet is that? And an extra yellow carnation from the florist/farm market too.)

If time allows, in another 33 years we could be celebrating our 66th wedding anniversary Wouldn't that be special?

Happy Anniversary!

It almost didn't happen. Six months ago it looked helpless, two months ago highly unlikely, but today my son and his beautiful wife are celebrating ten years of marriage. God is good. Miracles still happen.

(Last summer's photo)