A Hole in One

The most difficult thing about being alone (and sometimes being married as well) is not knowing how to fill "The Hole." It appears unexpectedly tender on a Saturday morning when I have no weekend plans, or bleeding when the house is suddenly empty and I find myself alone... A huge part of healing, I have been told, is in knowing how to be alone, but I strongly suspect that even those who savor their times of solitude also look for company.

I know all about the "Jesus shaped hole" that is supposed to be filled by having a relationship with Him, but God created us to need/desire companionship. He meant for His creation to experience community. It wasn't good for Adam to be alone in the garden and he had a God from Whose Presence he had not yet fallen. All the prayer and Bible reading (if I was doing it) don't put those people in our lives. It would be nice if God would plunk the perfect person in our lap, but the truth is that doesn't happen. Only imperfect friends/companions exist and we have to go out and find them.

I will be blatantly honest, I'm not so sure church is the best place to find a partner... It's an absolutely splendid place to look for the unsuspecting if one is an abuser, controller, manipulator, predator, or any other kind of creep. This does not, of course, make everyone there any of these things. One could also be be kind, loving, generous, and Christ-like. It's just hard to tell the difference. Heck, I have a hard time telling the difference when I know what people are actually like. And in all honesty, I don't want to believe people I know and love put on "sheep's clothing" when they are actually a wolves underneath. It's a concept I cannot wrap my head around, one that makes the hole inside ache and throb even more. 

It sunny outside. There is still an air quality alert, but there is no better heart medicine than sunshine, "fresh" air, and the sound of birds singing. Staying inside to "bleed out" is not an option. I am going to be okay. I am okay. In all honesty, I am more than okay, even if there is a hole in my heart.