The Barn Collective

Three barns, one farm. I don't pass this way often, so I stole a few photos on my way home from my cousin's house last week.

The Barn Collective

Where Have I Been?

Regular blogging takes a kind of concentration that is almost absent most days, but I'm still here. By the time I come upstairs at night, my mind and body are tired and my thoughts jumbled, as they are tonight. I've been feeling a little "off" lately, but today was some better. I'm not entirely sure what threw me off kilter, but I think I'm gradually getting to centered again.

Speaking of being centered, my pottery class was this evening. Night 6 of 8. Two more and the class is over. I have no new photographs to share. I've felt a bit out of my element this time around but tonight was a tad better. I actually pulled a decent sized cylinder, even if it did eventually collapse. I'd been feeling pretty discouraged with pottery so this is a ray of hope.

Sunday afternoon found me taking a long drive to a picnic at the home of my cousin Deb. There was a little bit of a celebration in honor of Aunt Mary and Uncle Chuck's birthdays and wedding anniversary. Looking back in the "Blog Files" leads me to conclude this was number 62. Aunt Mary is struggling and I am sad to see her looking so different from how she will always be remembered, always smiling and full of life. These are my only remaining aunt and uncle. Everyone else if gone...

I took my camera along to the party, left it in my car, went back out to get it, and then put it back again. I just didn't feel at ease snapping pictures of family members who hardly know me and didn't want to make uncomfortable those who do. So much has changed since the old gatherings... (Perhaps this is part of why I am feeling off. My heart hurts just writing this.) Anyway, a pair of robins had built their nest under the eave of the house and on top of a downspout. The momma and poppa birds were tag-teaming the feeding of their little family. Needless to say I went back for my camera.

Mother's Day and a Walk Down East Avenue

 It's days behind us now, but I do want to say that I has a very lovely Mother's Day this year. It started out a bit different from other years, but that was intentional on my part. This year I decided to be proactive. 

On Mother's Day I often find myself desperately afraid of my own expectations, and terribly afraid of transferring them onto my children. I didn't want to sit at home waiting for something to happen and then be overly emotional by the end of the day should things not turn out as expected, so I made some plans.

My friend Chris and I decided to meet for breakfast at a little bakery on Park Avenue in Rochester, NY. I've wanted to go for a long time, but didn't want to venture there alone. Chris suggested, since the weather was forecast to be nice, that we go for a walk afterward, so I sent each of my local kids a text letting them know I was going to be busy during the early part of the day, but would be home after 3 pm. I think they were perhaps a little surprised, but it was really an effort to eliminate the pressures we often feel on both sides.

Chris and I both ordered fancy waffles and enjoyed chatting while we waited for our breakfasts. When we were done eating, we walked a block over to East Avenue and took a self-guided tour of the gardens outside the George Eastman House before walking several block farther into the city. It was a lovely afternoon and I took pictures along the way.

My kids came over in time for pizza later in the day. I received hugs, cards, and a variety of gifts. Gifts and cards are fun, but the best part was the hugs from kids and grandchildren. I also got a phone call from my Minnesota son and that was pretty special too.

I think sometimes moms are more afraid of Mother's Day than anything. Afraid of disappointing, and afraid of being disappointed. There have been many years when I was more than a little relieved when it was over, but this year was just right.

Photographs from our walk.

My Weekend Adventure

 Our trip to the New Hampshire coast was fabulous! Gail picked me up Friday morning and we stopped for doughnuts in Williamson along the way. In Massachusetts we veered slightly from the planned route and took a little detour to the West End Creamery where I got a big hug from one of my sweet childhood friends. (Check out the link!) She and her husband own this magnificent place that was once his father's dairy farm. Becky's dad was in from out of town so I got to see him too. Gail, Becky's dad, and I enjoyed a sweet treat from the creamery before Gail and I headed north to New Hampshire. Did I ever tell you how much I love finding friends along the way?

Our hotel was in what Gail called "the low rent district". The room was comfortable and well furnished, but the walls were paper thin and a few guests quite noisy. There was a fabulous fight in the parking lot below our third story window at 1 am the first night. I believe the police were called, though I didn't hear any sirens or see any flashing lights, and the outburst was quelled fairly quickly and there were no repeat episodes.

We ate breakfast at a cute little diner called Hoaty's of Hampton next door to the hotel before heading up the road to the North East Sea Glass Expo and then to the beaches where we scoured the shore for bits of sea glass for our own collections. I put my toes into the frigid Atlantic Ocean water. Saturday was brisk and windy, but Sunday was absolutely glorious! Seventy-seven degrees with a mix of sun and clouds. We made it to the beach while the tide was still out and traipsed beaches (and non-beaches) all day, finally getting a somewhat late dinner at Burrito Loco.

We stayed in a different hotel Sunday night as Gail had only booked two nights at the first. Built in 1740, Lamie's Inn is anything but paper. Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower once stayed there. (I saw their picture on the wall.) 

We started back toward home Monday morning, stopping at the mall in Albany, NY on the way. Gail wanted to stop at Boscov's to check out the sales and it sounded like a great idea to me. When we finally returned to our part of the world, she dropped me off to pick up my car which had been in the shop all weekend, and then I met her at her parent's house for a lasagna dinner before heading home myself.

 

It was an entirely fabulous weekend!

Bits and Pieces

* Met my newest grandbaby and snuggled her brothers on Sunday afternoon. Oh, so wonderful, and a little like being at work. LOL! I have the best job ever!

* I went the the third of my current pottery classes on Tuesday evening. Not quite back in the groove, but maybe I'll get there by the time it ends. 

* I got my hair cut on Wednesday. It's not drastically different, just a little shorter and freshened up.

* I worked an hour late tonight, came home and ate, did my laundry and broke the washing machine. Ha ha! (It doesn't want to spin...) Dropped my car off at the shop for repairs, withdrew some cash from the credit union, popped into target with Hannah, and came home to wring out my clothes and bail out the washer. Then I packed a few clothes in a bag.

*If all goes according to plan, I will be gone away for the weekend. I've taken both Friday (tomorrow) and Monday off work. My friend Gail and I are going east, to the coast, and a Sea Glass Expo. North Hampton, New Hampshire. We're going on an adventure!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen!

 She's here! Sweet Sixteen has finally arrived and she is beautiful! I can't wait to meet her in person.

Lyla Danielle, born in the wee hours of the morning, like her daddy so many years ago. She's just a little thing, not quite six pounds but entirely gorgeous.

We're all pretty excited at getting a girl! Now we wait for her Minnesota cousin, Number Seventeen, also a girl. (So exciting!!!)

Clay in His Hands

 Grief. It never ends. It just gets traded in for a newer model.

She tripped over my foot. I wasn't careful how far out into the aisle it was, and when she came running by, she caught my toe and down she went. If I'd had my feet directly in front of me, she wouldn't have fallen. It was an accident, but she's insistent that I intentionally hurt her, even said I pushed her as well... and that I laughed. I heard her tell someone that I'm always doing those things, that I do it to make her look stupid, and that I'm mean and only care about myself... But that isn't true. The only true part, is that she tripped over my foot and fell. I didn't mean for it to happen.

My new pottery class started last week. Last Tuesday I was a little overwhelmed and had trouble just throwing a simple cylinder. Tonight, emotionally overwhelmed with relational complications of the past week, the temptation was strong to skip the class, stay home, and isolate upstairs in my room. I didn't want to go out at all, but honestly, it had little to do with pottery...

Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and self assured, and the past few days I haven't been able to shake the heavy blanket of self doubt and depression. I know that dark clouds will pass in time, as they always do, but I find myself wondering how long it will take to make up the lost progress of the previous months. I've come so far in the journey to healing, and yet I still find each setback frightening, especially when the feeling of loss and dread are so profound. It's a though a pair of giant claws are sunk deep into my flesh and I'm bleeding...

I could have stayed home this evening, but then I remembered the previous times when the things I love so much (children, photography, pottery...) have felt overwhelming, and I knew to stay home would be to let the depression win. So I went. I went to my class even though my heart was heavy, and once again God came through. He took my heavy heart and held me close. It was a good evening, a silly evening of cup handles turned gargoyles and conversations that made us laugh. And I am grateful.

(The faces were a group effort, each one touched by multiple hands as they were transformed from normal handles stuck on the wall, to faces.)

Bits on the Beach and a Bird in a Bush

 I had a bit of time yesterday afternoon to run off to the lake. I sat on the pebble beach and combed through the stones in search of beach glass. The mouth of the creek gurgled as it poured into the lake where the north wind stirred up gentle waves and attempted to push the water back again. 

I picked tiny bits of white, brown, and green glass from the beach while also attempting to keep my jean jacket wrapped around me. I usually dress in layers, and had intended to bring a heavier jacket along "just in case" but had managed to leave the house without it.
 

I'd been picking glass for a time when I looked up and noticed a few bright, orange objects along the water's edge. Goldfish crackers? I glanced to my left and all along the edge of the beach toward the rocks that just out around the mouth of the creek, was a line of goldfish crackers. They were floating in on the waves and beaching themselves on the shore. 

I'd already been at the park for an hour or more, and collected  a fair amount of glass, when the cold wind off the lake drove me to my car. I decided to go home, but when I reached to top of the parking lot entrance, a bright yellow forsythia bush caught my attention. I rolled down my window for a picture, and that's when I saw the cardinal. I snapped several pictures and was ready to pull out just as my friend Gail was pulling in. Of course, I had to turn around and go back for a while. By the time I got home an hour later, I was pretty much frozen. Ha ha!

It's been a stressful few days and I wish I'd been in a better mindset last evening when a few family members were here. Most evenings I can tolerate, and even enjoy, the noise and activity of the kids, but I struggled with it yesterday and went to up bed later feeling "icky" inside. I am so thankful that God always knows when I am in desperate need of a friend. A phone call from someone who cares can make all the difference in the world.

Making Plans and Buying Tickets

 Last Sunday I went to visit my friend Laurie, who like me, is planning a vacation. Her plans were take her through NY State to Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. Then she will circle around and come back through the same states on a different route. The fun piece is that she will actually be visiting the same area as me, but at a different time, and my plans will take me to a specific destination. 

There will be mountains, rivers, train rides, and hiking. I can go shopping, take myself out to eat, or enjoy the comfort of the mountain farmhouse on a rainy day. I expect to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, and quite possibly take a walk down memory lane or hear some old stories about my own family that I may have never heard before.

This morning I purchased a ticket for the Mount Washington Cog Railway. It's been 50 years since I rode up the mountain on the Auto Road. I can't remember all of it, of course, but I do recall passing the timber line and the white-knuckle ride back down, with Mr. Cooper pumping the brakes the entire way. Small children very quickly pick up on the danger of a situation, and I was terrified. The railway looked like a much safer option to me and I finally have plans to make it happen.

So far this is a solo vacation. My sisters are unable to make the trip and I haven't yet decided if I want to take anyone else. Some days I wish for a friend along on a few of the activities, like zip lining (not sure I want to do that alone...), and other times I like the idea of having the time and ability to decide for myself. Either way I have time to decide. It's too bad that Laurie is going three weeks before me or we could have met up somewhere along the way. Who knows? Maybe I have another friend who might be passing through at the end of June...

Oh, There I Am!

There are moments when I am very much the same woman who started this blog a little over 15 years ago, and others where that woman feels a million miles away. There was absolutely no way I could have known in 2006 where the next ten years would take me, ... or the five following. There have been days so difficult that I didn't know how I would find the strength to survive. I learned how to cry again... when I thought that piece of me had been lost. The cap blew off the bottled up pain deep inside, spewing forth in torrents of tears, broken dreams, and gut-wrenching realizations. Healing felt impossible. The mountain before me insurmountable, the raging storm unstoppable... and yet, here I am.

Moments of searing pain still catch me off-guard, but my waking hours aren't consumed by the deep, unending ache. I've learned to love and forgive, to let go of what I can't control (which is just about everything), and to work on the only one I have any power over at all. Me. God continues to open my eyes to the world around me, to teach me new way, and to carry me over chasms uncrossable. 

There remain situations I don't understand. Life is about relationship, and relationships, quite frankly, can be hard. Only God sees straight to the heart. He knows me intimately and loves me anyway. It doesn't matter if I'm in a good mood and having the time of my life, or if I am angry and incorrigible. He's always just a prayer away, and that's not very far at all.

I am entirely thankful for the chance to find myself again, and even more grateful to have God holding me as I do. I'm looking forward to learning to new lessons, finding new friends and renewing old friendships, and taking deep, unhindered breaths and I climb new mountains.

My Sleepy Little Life

I don't have much to say this afternoon. I took a ride to Williamson yesterday and then went back to Webster Park, because it's still my favorite spot to relax. Searched for beach glass, watched some people, took some pictures. The lake levels are very low this spring. No flooding. Such variety from year to year!

 

I'm enjoying the longer days and gorgeous spring weather as much as possible. I've taken some fabulous naps in my car during my lunch breaks and soaked in the warm, sun-filled  drives home after work. I'm back to a somewhat normal schedule of  7:15 am to 4:15 pm. Enjoying the toddlers in the morning and the babies in the afternoon, and loving my time in the kitchen too.

It's time to firm up my summer vacation plans. I need to make a reservation or two. I'm pretty excited.

(Pictures from my stop at the lake yesterday,)

Easter and Stuff

Both Sunday morning Easter services were already at capacity by the time I attempted to reserve a seat, so I attended the 9 am service online. I was a little disappointed to find there was no communion at the end of the sermon (I was prepared...) but God knows my heart. I nibbled some crackers and drank my grape juice anyway, and was thankful. 

Easter dinner was spent with my friend Gail and her parents. It was a very nice, relaxed afternoon. When the day was far spent and the conversation waned, Gail and I took a ride to the lake to hunt for beach glass and both came home with a fine collection. We're planning a weekend getaway to a Sea Glass event in the not too distant future. (I'm feeling adventurous. Ha ha!)

This week I've managed to all but empty one of my savings accounts. I'm putting money into an IRA so I can continue with my affordable NY State health insurance, that I didn't use at all last year. I feel poor until I remember that my savings isn't entirely gone, just temporarily inaccessible, and hopefully growing. The good news is I DO know how to save money, and every time I've needed a chunk (for car repairs, a new camera, more car repairs, etc...), it's been there.

Oopsie

 Funny story.

I've been stressing for weeks about my health insurance and the income limit for the past few weeks and caught up with my financial advisor a week ago. Last night I wrote a check to pop into the mail this afternoon, but found I had a couple more questions for him. I shot him a text after I pulled into the parking lot at work.

"Do I need an account number on the check? And do I make the letter to your attention? Or doesn't it matter?" (Totally official. Ha ha!)

As soon as I pushed send I realized I hadn't sent the message to the finance guy, but someone totally different. LOL! I shot off a quick, "Oops! Wrong person. Ha ha!" but not before my friend Dan, who is also my chiropractor, saw it on the other end. He thought someone from his office had sent me a bill. Ha ha!

Oh, my! I must be more careful.

Sunset at the Lake

 I'm tired, but I'm on a blogging run, so here it is...

It was gorgeous today! We were blessed with a summer day at the end of March. I had to work late, of course, and was tired when I got home. I thought about going up to my bedroom, but by April 1st, in not so unusual NY fashion, the weather is forecast  supposed to be cold and blustery, with snow! Winter has not given up quite yet. No surprise there...

Since my people had gone out, presumably to enjoy the beautiful evening, I went out too. Where did I go? I went to the lake. (No surprise there either.) The parking lot was full. Multitudes walked the pier and gathered to watch a much anticipated glowing sunset. We were not disappointed. 

And Then It Was Monday

 I didn't sleep well last night, but tossed and turned instead. It could have been the little bottle of grape juice I drank just before turning out the light. Or the half a box of Stoned Wheat Thins crackers... I have enough on my mind to keep me awake, but it typically doesn't. Normally, I sleep, unless I ingest too much sugar. Good thing I got enough sleep on Saturday. Ha ha!

I made it through the work day, passed out and received a bazillion hugs, made lunch, and changed a few stinky diapers. Sounds just like what I done for most of my life and I like it.

I had an appointment with my favorite chiropractor at six and from there I went directly to the pottery studio. Someone had left some pots to dry on my new shelf. They were removed to a nearby table and a note was left to explain why. I had a small amount of clay in my possession, so I wedged it up and tossed a couple of pots myself. The clay is soft, very soft. The first one flopped, but the second one looked pretty good until I tried to take it off the wheel head. Maybe it will be okay. It looked alright once I got it onto a board to dry. (I'm so not ready for an advanced class. Ha ha! Someone encouraged me in that direction and, well, here goes nothing. I'm a little nervous though.)

I arrived home this evening just in time to give Number Nine a hug and kiss before he went to sleep for the night. Perfect timing.

Bits and Pieces

* I haven't kept up with blogging well lately. I've been distracted. By my own brain.

* Baby shower yesterday for Number 16. Her arrival is expected to be around the end of April. The rarity of granddaughters makes them a little exciting.

* I had an entire week of going into work at 7:15 am, but this next one is spring break and I'm back to 9-6. I can do this. One day soon we will be back to normal again. I hope.

* Last week was emotional. I wasn't teary or sad, just feeling off. Not sure why. The weekend has been good. I met two friends for coffee at Panera Bread on Saturday morning, went to the baby shower, took a very long nap, and stopped at the lake just before sunset.

* Church this morning. I considered going to the pottery studio this afternoon, but decided to stay home and sort through junk in my room. I even vacuumed. Ha! I am releasing belongings a little at a time. This is hard. But not as hard as it used to be. 

* Planning to hit the pottery studio after the chiropractor tomorrow evening. Got the stuff in my car. 

* Maybe I'll write a couple of blogs this week. Maybe.

This Weekend

 The weather has been absolutely gorgeous! What a weekend! It was so beautiful today that Sergio and I opened up the garage and dragged the picnic table out into the driveway for today's gathering of my kids and grandchildren. (It's my birthday tomorrow...) The afternoon was filled with food, fun, and action. They are loud, they are crazy, and they are wild. They are also mostly boys. Ha! It was beautiful and I am blessed beyond measure.

Yesterday was also lovely. My friend Gail picked me up late in the morning and we drove toward Syracuse to take part in a Quarter Auction fundraiser. There were plenty of lovely things to bid on, and we bid on plenty, but the drawings for the winners were random and we didn't win a thing, Ha ha! It was still fun and I would definitely do it again.

Back to work tomorrow. I stocked up on Birthday Cake Oreos to bring in for a treat.  I'm still counting birthdays backward and I'm all the way down to 33 again! It's quite fabulous!!! 

Bits and Pieces

 * We had some unseasonably warm weather last week, but by the weekend the temperatures had dropped back down to normal. I could be disappointed, but I know the fruit farmers are relieved and so I am too. Saturday was cool but sunny. I went for a long walk along the Cayuga Seneca Canal with my sister Priscilla and her brother and sister in law. Then Priscilla and I went to Sauder's, ate a late lunch, and bought some treats.

* I stopped at the lake Sunday afternoon and found an icy wind blowing, but the lake ice had melted. Cold wave battered Only the shore and pier were still dressed in ice and snow.

* I changed my clock early Saturday evening and woke late for church. On Sunday night I set my alarm to rise early this morning, and then woke up with barely enough time to squeeze in a shower. (But I did anyway.) I was so tired at work that I went to sleep on my break, and didn't hear my alarm then either. Thankfully I was not late getting back in.

* Summer is on the way and I am making vacation plans. (I'm kind of excited.) I've never planned a real vacation before, especially not a solo vacation. This one will take me back to a piece of my childhood. It's a rare and beautiful opportunity that I don't want to miss.

Working and Weekends

Last week was exhausting. Who knew two year olds had so much tenacity? I hit my limit when I "lost" a child about ten minutes before her father was due to arrive... I was sitting against the wall with my back to the half door gate that leads to the preschool lavatories while one small child was playing with the latch. I shooed her away and told her to stop playing with the door. As I stood up, I glanced over the door and saw a wet diaper abandoned on the floor beside the closest toilet. I found it odd and wondered if the preschool teacher still had a child in her classroom or if one her little ones had left something behind... I followed my own little ones to the opposite side of the Older Toddler room, but instead of three small friends, I could only see two. I returned to the bathroom and called out for my missing child, a little bit of panic welling up inside, and at that moment she appeared from around the corner of the third stall. Ugh!

Working full time makes weekends precious. I often enjoy spending time with friends, going for walks, stopping at the lake, or taking a drive on Saturdays and Sundays. This past Saturday, aside from taking a short trip to Walmart and Target with Hannah, I stayed home. It was a wonderfully lazy day. 

On Sunday after church I filled my gas tank, did my grocery shopping, and took myself down to the lake. It's still cold and icy, but the little area where the creek empties into the lake is finally visible. I took some time to check the rock covered beach for beach glass. At one point I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and walked smack into the side of the little footbridge over the creek. Saying I was stunned is a little bit of an understatement. Ha ha! I put a nice scratch on the bridge of my nose. Mostly I was totally embarrassed, although I don't think anyone actually saw it happen.

Late Sunday afternoon I met a friend for something to eat. We spent a couple of hours sitting in the local Panera Bread eating and talking. It turned out to be a rather nice weekend after all.

Linda

This evening I learned that one of my blog friends passed away on Monday. Not everyone knew that Linda was ill, but she had told me in a private message a year or so ago. She and I have both fought completely different, but unseen battles. We are warriors.

Tonight my heart is sad. In one way or another time eventually takes everything we hold dear and until it takes us, all we are left with is memories. Tonight I treasure the memory of Linda, her blog, her Instagram account, and the afternoon visit we shared at her house one September day a little over four years ago...

I Stayed Home Yesterday

It was a tough weekend. 

 Saturday marked seven years since my mom's passing. I didn't cry much at the time. I was mostly numb. Being her primary caretaker during the final three years of her life had been a challenge, not because she was difficult, but because untraveled roads and unfamiliar territory come with fears and failures. It wasn't easy losing her to dementia a little bit at a time...

Sunday brought a different kind of stress when I woke to a message from someone I love dearly. We are on opposite sides of the same trial and meeting in the middle is pretty much impossible. I'm not sure what this will mean in the future, but I pray we are one day able to do what today looks to be unattainable. 

Since I've not yet mastered the ability to hear another person's words without my body overreacting, I'm afraid I went into full alert. After a week of little to no sugar, I found myself buying a big slice of chocolate cake from the Wegmans Bakery. (A friend told me cake has no sugar. I knew he was lying, but decided to take his word for it anyway.) I don't know how chocolate, and especially chocolate cake, help in times of dire distress, but it was all I could think of to help in the moment.

I woke up between Sunday evening and Monday morning with a horrific headache. I considered getting up to find a pain reliever, but couldn't drag myself from the bed and went back to sleep instead. By morning I had a full-blown, throbbing, tension headache. I hauled myself out of bed and down to the shower where I stood trembling in pain, waves of nausea washing over me. I knew I couldn't go to work and function. Even driving would be dangerous. I sent my boss a reluctant text. I had never called in sick. 

As I showered I also filled the tub with hot water and let myself have a good long soak before getting out and putting my pajamas back on. Upstairs I brushed my wet hair, put a towel over my pillow, and crawled back into bed. The pain killers I'd taken before getting into the shower slowly began to work. Although they took the edge off and I stopped shaking and feeling queasy, the pain in my neck and shoulders remained. By early afternoon I sent my favorite chiropractor a text. He gave me a hug, adjusted my neck and upper back. When I came home, I took some Benadryl and turned the light off early. I heard my phone chime a time or two but didn't even look until morning when I saw he'd sent me a text at 8 pm asking how my headache was feeling.

I woke this morning headache free with just the sore muscles of a previously knotted up back and shoulders. I was assigned to the older toddler room for most of the day. Five little girls, all two years old. I haven't spent an entire day in the older toddler room since I first started at the daycare almost four years ago! I'll admit, I felt a little overwhelmed to start with, but we did just fine.

Now if only I can remember tomorrow is Wednesday and not Tuesday...

(I needed a photo, so you get one from last week when they all decided to sit along the outside of the building. I don't think anyone's really looking at the camera...)

Loss

Every direction I turn I see loss. Today it feels hopeless all over again, but I know that once the tears are done falling, the sun will shine again. Somewhere in all of this mess there is something good.

I've been scolded for what I post, but I didn't get us into this mess. I simply happen to be included in it.