The Continuing Saga

My blood pressure is just as high at home as it was in the doctor's office, so it's not the White Coat kind. The good part of that is I did not go to the doctor for nothing. The bad part is my blood pressure is way too high.

I am scheduled to have a cortisone injection in my sacroiliac joint on February 27 (They called today) and I had to send my boss another time off request for that and the follow-up appointment. I don't blame her for wanting to go crazy with my abundance of appointments. I'm a little crazy with it myself. One thing just leads to another...

* My visit to my GP about my back pain led to physical therapy, which led to orthopedics, which led to the Spine Center/pain management doctor, which is leading me to the cortisone injection and a follow-up appointment..

* My apparent allergic reaction in Cape Cod led to the allergist noticing my elevated tryptase levels which led to him sending me to hematology to rule out anything serious. (He thinks it's just a hereditary condition that makes me more susceptible to itching and hives but wants to make sure. Test so far have pointed in that direction.) That appointment is March 11th.

* My visit to the eye doctor led to a visual field test, which led to the possibility of eye lid surgery. (LOL! Like that's going to happen... There are way too many other things to address.)

* My appointment yesterday, precipitated by my visit to the Spine Center, led to an EKG, which is leading me to a cardiologist on my return from Florida in March.

That doesn't include the recommendation to see an orthopedist for my hands, and I haven't even mentioned yet how my right sinus always feels like there is a blockage in there. Headaches are almost always on the right side and it always feels like there is something in my right nostril that doesn't come out when I blow my nose... Ugh. Have I told you I once didn't go to the doctor for years and years?

Anyway, taking a mental health day was profitable. I wasn't comfortable doing nothing and I wasn't comfortable doing something, so I decided to at least be accomplished. I cleaned the utility room in the center of the house. I feel much better knowing most of the dust and cobwebs have been cleaned away from the furnace and water heater, off the walls, and out of the corners. It's not finished yet but the difference is astonishing.

PS. Some pictures of last week's pottery night creations. Tonight I'll be rolling more slabs and hopefully glazing.

A Slow Pace

We're making progress... It's a three steps forward two steps back kind of thing, but after years of trying to figure things out on my own and being ignored by everyone I asked, I finally gave in and asked The Cabinetmaker for some advice on my room. He's offering suggestions and I trust that he won't steer me wrong. I appreciate his willingness to help, although I expected nothing less.

I skipped my pottery class this past Tuesday and didn't mind staying home at all. The class was feeling a bit more intense than I could handle this past week. Lots of researching pottery styles and artists, and smashing those together with our own mug designs. I'm supposed to have 12-13 mugs drawn but I don't have the brain capacity for that after getting up at 5 am every day and dealing with squalling babies for 8 hours. Honestly, I was already emotional and I'm still a bit of a puddle. I'll go back to class again, but I'm not sure what capacity of participation in detailed drawings I can muster.

"Puddle" would describe me well these past couple of weeks. Growing and healing are painful, and I'm finding once again that uncontrollable tears are cleansing. I don't always know what sets off the deep seated sadness. There are no words to describe the ache deep in my chest, I can only tell you that it's a feeling I've grappled with ever since I can remember. I always thought it was normal, but I'm finding instead a wound that needs to be tended, if only I can reach it...

My cousins and I are still meeting on Friday nights. Man Haters Club is going strong. I've been throwing bowls and building cups by hand and will probably stick to amassing a collection of functional pieces. Mugs, cups and bowls are not only easier to sell, but they make fabulous gifts.

The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful

* My work review was a little "iffy" this year. I started to post about it twice and then thought better of it. The short version is they said I was "grumpy," which is actually sad and hilarious all at once. It came with a 50 cent raise. We had a mass exodus of staff just before Christmas and our new staff is questionable. They are afraid I might tender my resignation, which is possible, but not imminent.

* The bedroom project is moving along. Slowly. We're hoping to get something accomplished this weekend in the way of insulation. 

* I almost ran into the back end of (what I think was) an Amazon delivery van in the rainy, dark, predawn hours of Friday morning. There was just enough time to realize I couldn't stop, no cars coming up the other side of the hill, and to swerve around. It was parked in the road on the crest of a hill, with flashers blinking. My car is missing a headlight and my brain was set on autopilot. It was a bad combination and I am grateful it did not end badly.

* My headlights have to be special ordered thanks to whoever owned the vehicle before me. (We'd already tried to change it on Thursday evening.) They are now on order and should arrive on Tuesday.

* We had some gorgeous weather on Wednesday. It was 67 degrees and I took a walk on my lunch break.

* While Wednesday's weather was supremely beautiful, it was also windy. It was a bad day for one of our sweet, daycare families whose house caught fire and burned to the ground while they were away at work and school. No people were injured, but they lost everything including 3 dogs, 3 cats, and a bunny. I can't even imagine the heartbreak.

* Pottery night. I did very little pottery yesterday. I wasn't feeling it, but I did trim some bowls thrown earlier this month, and glazed my remaining bowl from Dan. (See how I claimed it as mine?) I'm interested to see how the glaze turns out as I tried a different application.

Man Haters Club and Stuff

 It's been an interesting week, which is why I shouldn't go days upon days, and weeks upon weeks without setting my thoughts to words...

Last weekend's excitement was family history and genealogical research. The short version; my sister found one maternal great, great grandmother's maiden name, along with her parents and siblings. She had been previously known as simply "Emma." Now she has a history. ---- I learned that my paternal great grandfather had a step father who died in 1938. Through this we were able to track down his mother, Augusta, and his half sister, Pauline. ---- But the biggest find was an unknown first cousin. The DNA connection twas discovered months ago but the names were unfamiliar and there were few clues to how we were related. While searching old newspapers last week, I found a news article that put the pieces together. Old newspapers are gold. My cousin passed away in 1996, but he left behind several children who are now grown. Pretty wild.

Last night my friend Dan finally made it to our Friday night pottery group, affectionately known as Man Haters Club. He threw a bowl for us and then gave us some pointers in improving our throwing skills. (I took pictures of Julie throwing a pot.) It was a great night and I feel more confident in reclaiming my ability to throw a decent bowl. Julie also invited a guy they met in early December. He mixes his own glazes and it was fun talking to him too. Even Mike, who gave us the moniker, came downstairs a couple of times.

It was a slightly different kind of Friday night, but in a totally good way. Dan, sometimes known as "the chiropractor" seemed pleased to find "there was no (man) hating." It was amusing to find the glaze mixer and a friend of my cousin both knew him from somewhere. The Glaze Guy from the pottery studio, and the friend because she had gone to high school with his daughter. It's a small world, after all...

I accomplished a few things today. Had blood drawn for a fasting blood test (appointment for a physical next Monday), had my car detailed (Yes! It's clean inside!!!), and moved my bed downstairs so we can begin the terribly frightening task of redoing my attic bedroom. It's not a monumental task (tearing out old paneling and insulation, re-insulating, and putting up new paneling) but it's one I can't do alone. It's also one I don't want to leave until summer. Now begins the arduous task of letting go of things and simplifying my life. I do not want to be owned by my possessions. I can do this, even if I did just wish for a coaster when I threw out a stack of them 3 days ago...

January's Bits and Pieces

 We're almost halfway through January and I haven't posted anything... I wonder if I can remember anything from the past two weeks that is worth remembering?

- I'm staying home from work tomorrow. I didn't feel well yesterday, and I feel rather yucky today as well. Yesterday's I had body aches, today I can't shake a headache. I took a nap on my break. Drove my car down to the park, pulled the hood of my winter jacket up over my head, and went to sleep.

- I've built a few slab mugs at my pottery group (Man Hater's Club). Our new slab roller is quite fabulous! I also sat at the wheel a couple of weeks ago and threw a few bowls. Maybe they will be dry enough to trim tomorrow night, providing I feel well enough to go out in the evening.

- Today is Killian's birthday. Number 15 is two! Party on Sunday. 

- Wesley's birthday was January 1. Number 10 is now six! We had a fun little gathering in his honor on New Years Day with French toast and cake. Talk about sugar overload. Ha ha!

- My own Joe also had a birthday this month. Bethany thought is imperative to throw him a Halfway to 70 Party and so there was a gathering for him this past Sunday. That's right. Sunday's in January were made for birthday parties.

- Work has been going along. Sometimes it's exhausting, but it's almost always rewarding. The babies I started with in September are growing up, and I have a new baby coming on Mondays and Tuesdays. She is just 3 months old. Back to the beginning all over again... No wonder I'm tired. Ha ha!

- I had a lovely visit with my sister Priscilla on Saturday. We walked down to Main St for lunch at Simply Crepes where we shared an order of exquisite brussel sprouts and a Monte Crepe'O. It was absolutely fabulous!

The Time Has Come

Actually, the time is tomorrow, which means I more than likely won't be sitting down to write anything, and that is why the time has come. It all makes sense. Really. It does. Tomorrow evening I'm flying to Florida to visit my former "Minnesota Family." They've been in Florida for a little over a year now, so I guess it's safe to call them my "Florida Family" now. 

I've worked a few extra hours this week. It will be nice to see a bigger paycheck at the end of next week, unless I get sent home early tomorrow afternoon, which is entirely possible. Did I mention how I have a love/hate relationship with my job? I love the babies and they are hard work. I am attached again and dreading the day when I have to let this bunch go. I'm still tossing alternative job possibilities about in my mind... Ugh. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't do this job without putting my whole heart into it...

I made a simple phone call today and changed my primary care doctor. I was booted from the last one because I hadn't been therein three years. The office was not convenient to my home or work. I visited Urgent Care once or twice for a test this past year but have otherwise not been in need of a physician. So anyway, I called the office close to home and asked to be added as a patient there. If my shoulder is still hurting when I come home from Florida, perhaps I will pay them a visit.

I signed up for another pottery class. I should probably have my head examined!

The Party

My cousins, a friend, and I rented a spot to set up a booth at the Naples Grape Festival. It was kind of like going to a big party. There were lots of people, tons of food, and so many things for sale. (We discovered food sells best.)

I didn't sell much, maybe one of my people, but it was a beautiful Saturday to be out with people I love. We could have stayed for Sunday's festival too, but the forecast called for rain all day long, so we made a last minute decision to pack it up. It turned out to be a good choice. It rained and rained. 

Exhaustion and dehydration took over sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I struggled with a headache all night long and a queasy stomach in the early morning hours. By 7:30 am I had decided I needed to pack up my things and go home. I'm thinking there was something in the Airbnb the didn't agree with my system. That combined with being tired and dehydrated made me sick. I couldn't even eat pretzels without my stomach turning. At 8 o'clock I climbed into my car and headed for home, stopping to sleep at a Thruway rest stop along the way.

I took today off to recover and sleep on the remainder of my headache. I learned several good lessons this weekend...

1. Don't go into a big weekend already thoroughly exhausted.

2. Stay hydrated even if it means using someone else's bathroom or a porta-potty .

3. Eat healthy. Always. (Carrots, mini cucumbers, nuts, water...)

4. Leave enough room next to your table full of wares for a chair, and talk to people who stop by.

5. Don't sell your heart for a song.

6. Take the following Monday off just because, not because you have to.

 

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. My son had a 45 minute slot to sing at the Festival and we were positioned close enough that it was just a short walk to get there. I am abundantly grateful and blessed.

You've Got to be Kidding Me!

It's been an interesting few days. My daughter has had some interesting things happening, but I'll save that for another time...

Last night was Man Hater's Club (aka Pottery Night). One of my cousins works in the jewelry department of a local department store. She had an elderly customer and his intended come in this past week looking for some rings. Apparently he had a long and entertaining story which he proceeded to tell her, entertaing enough that she was relating it to us (myself and two of her sisters). It very quickly sounded all too familiar. I wish I could have seen the expression on my own face when I realized and told her I had heard this story before... My mind was still unraveling its meaning and making a determination as to whether I was imagining its familiarity. I honesty wish I had just kept quiet and listened to the entire story before commenting but it took me totally by surprise. I won't go into divulging all the information today. (It's supposed to be hush hush... ha ha!)

And then, I got a photo text from my friend Dan last night. He'd been to the opening exhibition for another studio member/artist in residence and bought a piece of pottery. Dan is going to Italy in the near future, taking a pottery class in Tuscany and feeling a bit unsettled at the timing. Although we've never done any kind of activity together, we banter back and forth about it sometimes. I told him he might decide he like it over there so much that he'll decide to stay, but that he has to come back because we haven't gone zip lining yet. "True," he said, "we could always zip line in Tuscany." My not having a ticket  could be fixed with "lots of money." LOL! This morning, as my mind was spinning with all kinds of crazy thoughts, I realized that "lots of money" would need to be followed up with a passport, and I don't have one of those. I've thought about it for years upon years, but never applied. (Where was I going to go?)

Almost every morning I check out my Facebook memories. Lo and behold, what should I find today but a status from June 4, 2010 that reads, "(Martha Teal) is ready for a vacation. Where's my passport?" Ha ha! That caught my attention, but what was really hilarious was the comment left by my sweet, oldest daughter. "Passport, passport!! Think of the endless possibilities! Sometimes it exciting just to think of where I COULD go with that little blue book! Maybe it'll be the Italian countryside next!!" Oh, the irony! I could almost hear God laughing... 

I think maybe I'll put "passport" back on my list of things to accomplish.

(Photos from my walk with my sister Rachel and my nephew Steve on Thursday evening.)

Man Haters Club

We don't really hate men, it's just what my cousin's husband calls our Friday night pottery group...

I missed Man Haters Club last week because I was out with Covid and this week's gathering was set to be cancelled due to a patio project at my cousin's house, but rain cancelled the patio project instead. I was selfishly relieved. It was a small gathering this week; three cousins, a friend, and myself. 

I've thrown a few bowls but feel pretty lost lately when it comes to the wheel. I've built a few boxes, fashioned a few figures, and more recently put together a few houses. I have to say, the houses are fun. I need to find and area to specialize in, so I can sell something particular, but I'm still working in that direction.

I've finally found a group that I feel a part of, although there's still that voice in the back of my head that wants to tell me, "They simply tolerate you..." Lies. Lies that have floated around in my head for longer than I can remember. I'm working on telling myself something different.

Pie and Pottery

Last Saturday, when I was home hobbling around on the ankle I'd rolled coming down the stairs on Friday, I found a bag of frozen elderberries in the freezer. Since I wasn't about to go out running around on a sore ankle, and the kitchen was clean, I decided to make a pie. It turned out beautiful! Perfect even, if you are a fan of Elderberry Pie. Which a few of us are. Well, two of us anyway...

I have a friend who loves elderberry pie very much and since it can be somewhat rare, I sent him a text to see if he was interested in a piece, since I had one with his name on it. Of course he was, it was catching up with him that was proving a challenge.
 

On Sunday evening I put two good sized slices of pie into a plastic box. I took it to work with me on Monday morning when it was really cold outside. On Monday evening, when Hannah and I visited the chiropractor's office, I asked my friend if he still wanted some pie. And did he still want to stop by and pick it up, or did he want the two pieces I had out in my car? He decided on the ones in my car. ha ha! I got a text later saying it was "the best supper ever!"

This morning he stopped by with something for me. A fluted pie plate/dish that he made at the pottery studio! Isn't that fabulous? I love it. And now I have this inner desire to fill it with Italian Cookies, probably because I didn't bake or eat any fancy Christmas cookies this year. It would also make a fantastic ice cream dish. I think it would be perfect for Fudge Ripple... :0)

The Days are Just Packed

It was a good week, a busy week, and an emotional week. My grandson helped remove the license plate from the back of my old car Tuesday evening. I think he used a grinder to take the rusted heads off the screws. I drove home without any plates on my car... Picked up my new ride Wednesday evening. Love it! I am now officially an adult.

Minnesota made the long drive to Florida this week. They were sick, homeless, and stressed out but they made it safely. I was blessed to be updated by my sweet son along the way. God knows I whispered many prayers for them along the way. I suppose at some point they will become "Florida" instead of "Minnesota", but not yet. I need to give that some time.

Yesterday afternoon I went to watch a movie with two friends. We drove to the opposite side of Rochester to see "The Most Reluctant Convert: The Untold Story of CS Lewis. Loved it. Very thought provoking and relevant to things I've been pondering. I went with no expectations, which turned out to be good because I was not at all disappointed. Maybe I'll even go see it again.

 My friends and I went out to eat following the movie. There was a Jeremiah's Tavern just across the street and it was perfect. I jumped outside of my usual box and ordered the Chicken and Biscuits which was loaded up with carrots, celery, and onions. Comfort food. Just what I needed.

On the way home Chris and I stopped at the pottery studio to pick up my pieces from my last class. There should have been seven, but I could only find six. I'm still missing a red one and will have to go back and look again another time.

This morning I chanced to meet an old friend at church. She'd been invited to sit with us by another friend who didn't realize we were already acquainted. This friend and I talked for quite a while after the service, sharing hearts, praying together, and finally walking out to the parking lot where we stood in a brisk wind and talked a little more. I told her I'd bought a new-to-me-car and how God always takes care of me, but when I pushed the button on my key and the lights on my new car flashed, she looked surprised. "Is that your new car?" she asked. Turns out she has the same make and model in the same color! "We're twins!" I told her. ha ha! God really does have a sense of humor.

Disappearing Act

 I haven't written a post in weeks, partly because I've been tired, busy and distracted, and partly because it can be hard to put my thoughts into something congruent and understandable. Mostly, by the time I come upstairs to my computer I'm tired and not able to express anything I want to pass on. The sad piece is that I'm no longer keeping much of a journal at all.

* The first weekend of October, my friend Gail and I went to a Sea Glass Festival in Ship Bottom, New Jersey. 

The weather was absolutely fantastic and I fell in love with the ocean all over again in a new way. While home packing for the trip, I took my bathing suit out of the drawer and then chided myself. "Martha, it's October. You don't need your bathing suit." Oh, silly me! Thankfully, I am well practiced in getting my feet and pant legs wet while down at the lake. The ocean waves and surf were glorious!!! By the time we left the beach I was wet all the way up to my backside. (I have thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of my vacations this year!)

* Things have been switched up at work. We have a plethora of babies and so I have been transferred from kitchen duty to the baby room where I am in charge of four babies who are 3, 4, 5,and 6 months old. All girls. (That's my mermaid granddaughter in the picture.) Most of the babies are pretty easy going, but there's a feisty little character in the mix who keeps me hopping. I'm still hopping on the days she isn't there, but when she is, I hop faster. Ha ha! They are a sweet little bunch and all enjoy a long, close snuggle here and there. The worst part of the job, aside from being trapped in a back corner and forgotten, is that I miss all my other little friends who are taking their naps when I go on my lunch break. I snatch every moment or two I can to smile, wave, or give them a hug.

* I'm in the middle of another wheel thrown pottery class. This time  Dan (who is my chiropractor, and I haven't been there in weeks...) is in the class along with Katie, one of his receptionists. I had to laugh when Tuesday night he made a suggestion and she said, "You're not the boss of me." I'm failing at the wheel this time around. It feels like my heart just isn't in it anymore and I'm about ready to give up the shelf I rent and never use. The money would be better spent on my Friday night ventures to do pottery with my cousins. I thought I might have a change of heart after this class, but it hasn't happened so far...

* It's a rainy weekend. I'm inside all week long so when the weekend weather is nice I don't stay in. Dark clouds, wet ground, and a constant drizzle make it easier to stay home. I might even sort through some of my room. Maybe.

Two Weeks

 I've never gone so long between posts as between this one and the last. I can hardly recall what's happened that I might want to look back on...

* Minnesota. I lost track of how many times Jim said, "You know, Mom, you could stay another week," or "Mom, don't you want to stay another week?" I have to admit, it was very tempting. Deep inside I wanted to say yes, but I have a job that I needed to get back to and only three of the five days I'd taken were paid. When it came time to say goodbye, Parker (Number 11) was just waking up from a nap. He wasn't much in the mood for a cuddle, so I kissed his little forehead, told him I loved him, and choked back the emotion that wanted to well up inside and leak out my eyes.

On Thursday night, September 2, my blog friend Kim picked me up at Jim's house and we went for a walk at the Trout Brook Nature Sanctuary which was only about a mile or so away. She had a limited span of time to spend but I was grateful for her company. I don't know if I will ever get back to Minnesota and I missed her last time I visited. My friend Kristina wasn't feeling well when I was there and so we didn't get a chance to meet up. I'm hoping one day in the future we will make another connection.

Jim was off work for the weekend, so we took a ride with the boys on Saturday afternoon. We stopped to say hello to Jim's childhood buddy Dan and his wife Rachel in Farmington on our way to Nerstrand Big Woods State Park. It was a quick visit, mostly some hugs, a picture or two, and a little conversation, and then we were on our way. Dan and Rachel had a prior engagement to attend and hadn't been aware of my presence in MN until the previous evening.

We took the boys on a little hike through the woods to a "hidden" waterfall where an ever changing group of people enjoyed the cool water. The little found it wonderfully fascinating, while their older brother kept a sharp watch on them. I watched through my camera lens.

I returned from Minnesota on Sunday, September 6 following a fabulous brunch at Grammy and Granddad's house where we took some family pictures and Jim helped me do an "early" check-in for my flight because I'd forgotten all about it when we went to the woods on Saturday. He took me to the airport a little after 4 pm for my 5:30 pm flight home. I arrived in Rochester at approximately 11:30 pm local time and my friend Chris, who works near the airport, picked me up a little after midnight and took me home. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I miss my Minnesota people. In fact, I miss them very much. 

 * After my week away and flight home, I was relieved to have Labor Day off work. There were no picnics or parties planned. Late in the afternoon I took a drive out to find my friend Gail at her cottage in Williamson and we combed the rocky lake shore for bits of tumbled glass. It was an unusually quiet Labor Day. On my way home from Gail's I stopped by Bethany's house to drop a birthday gift off for Jilly (Number 8) who turned 6 while I was out of town. Jake (Number 5) had a birthday on September 11 and is now halfway to 18. (He's nine.)

* Work was crazy while I was gone and I returned to a daycare running at partial capacity. It's been a strange week and a half. The children have returned to school and are slowly trickling back in from mandatory isolations. (Yeah, that. I skipped town just in time.) Something in the daycare feels off, but it isn't the sickness. I'm hoping whatever it is passes and everything begins to feel normal again, but this too is a growing moment. 

* There was a family gathering on Sunday afternoon with chile. The forecast inspired us to change locations and so there were 12 grandchildren running about and frolicking in the house, yard, and driveway. They caught baby crickets in the grass and played in the rain. There were grown up conversations, heated discussions, and moments of encouragement. My heart is full and achy at the same time. 

* I started a new pottery class last night. Same instructor as in the spring as well as one classmate. I also know two others in the class; my friend Dan and his friend Katie. Although I haven't been to the studio much in the past few months, it felt comfortable and relaxed. I'm looking forward to the next eight weeks and wondering what kind of vessels will emerge... 

** I'm also still enjoying pottery nights with my cousins. This is my second "lace" cup, this time with a handle. I haven't yet decided how I'll finish it. It's possible I'll have it fired at the studio as they run their kilns at a much higher temperature. Time will tell.

A Pocketful of Beach Glass

I go to the lake whenever I need a moment of solitude, a chance to de-stress, or when I simply hear the call. Quite often I go "just because." It wasn't until last summer that I started hunting beach glass. It's now an obsession. Ha! I can't go to Webster Park without scouring the rocky shoreline for bits of green, brown, clear/white, or even red or blue. Sometimes I find a friend, but I'm often on my own. I love it either way.

Life is never dull or settled for long when one has seven children, five of them married, and seventeen grandchildren along with a full time job in a daycare center. I have adult children who struggle with a myriad of issues. It breaks my heart because so much of it could have been prevented had I been wiser long ago... And then there are unexpected medical surprises which make me once again grateful for not only modern medicine, but intuition as well. My daughter in law will be okay thanks to her own action and the blessing of doctors who listen to valid concerns. I am also grateful for a son who is not afraid to take on caring for his infant daughter when her mommy had to make a return trip to the hospital. I think he's a super dad! (He didn't dress her in this picture.)

Being the daycare cook, requires a significant amount of time in the kitchen where I often listen to the happenings in the toddler room directly across the hall. I thought I heard my name one morning and popped my head in to see what it was all about. The toddler teacher, in making conversation with our two and almost two year olds, had asked, "What kind of animal give us milk?" and one of the toddlers piped up, "Martha!" Have I ever told you how much I love these little people?

Last Sunday afternoon I was blessed to join my sister and her sister in law for an hour or so of kayaking. This is something I could actually do alone, but have never thought to try solo. The creek is full of paddlers, so it isn't as though I'd be completely solitary if I ran into trouble. I think I'll give going alone some serious consideration.

One evening this week upon my arrival home, I found my family hanging out in the garage. As we sat and talked, something went flying through the air and bounced of Killian's head. "Hey!" cried Hannah, "a rubber band just hit my baby in the head!" After a bit of deductive reasoning, we decided it had broken and popped off a container of clay I had sitting on top of the garage refrigerator. How funny that we should all be sitting there to witness the debacle! Of course, the baby barely noticed at all.

I've been having a wonderful time with my cousins this summer, playing with clay and getting reacquainted after way too many years apart. Our children should have grown up being best friends, but they barely know each other. I am grateful for a new chance to be friends with the cousins I grew up loving. This little cup is just glazed and ready to be fired. Can't wait to see how it turns out!

PS. I signed up for another advanced class at the pottery studio. We start in September. 

Where Have I Been?

Regular blogging takes a kind of concentration that is almost absent most days, but I'm still here. By the time I come upstairs at night, my mind and body are tired and my thoughts jumbled, as they are tonight. I've been feeling a little "off" lately, but today was some better. I'm not entirely sure what threw me off kilter, but I think I'm gradually getting to centered again.

Speaking of being centered, my pottery class was this evening. Night 6 of 8. Two more and the class is over. I have no new photographs to share. I've felt a bit out of my element this time around but tonight was a tad better. I actually pulled a decent sized cylinder, even if it did eventually collapse. I'd been feeling pretty discouraged with pottery so this is a ray of hope.

Sunday afternoon found me taking a long drive to a picnic at the home of my cousin Deb. There was a little bit of a celebration in honor of Aunt Mary and Uncle Chuck's birthdays and wedding anniversary. Looking back in the "Blog Files" leads me to conclude this was number 62. Aunt Mary is struggling and I am sad to see her looking so different from how she will always be remembered, always smiling and full of life. These are my only remaining aunt and uncle. Everyone else if gone...

I took my camera along to the party, left it in my car, went back out to get it, and then put it back again. I just didn't feel at ease snapping pictures of family members who hardly know me and didn't want to make uncomfortable those who do. So much has changed since the old gatherings... (Perhaps this is part of why I am feeling off. My heart hurts just writing this.) Anyway, a pair of robins had built their nest under the eave of the house and on top of a downspout. The momma and poppa birds were tag-teaming the feeding of their little family. Needless to say I went back for my camera.

Clay in His Hands

 Grief. It never ends. It just gets traded in for a newer model.

She tripped over my foot. I wasn't careful how far out into the aisle it was, and when she came running by, she caught my toe and down she went. If I'd had my feet directly in front of me, she wouldn't have fallen. It was an accident, but she's insistent that I intentionally hurt her, even said I pushed her as well... and that I laughed. I heard her tell someone that I'm always doing those things, that I do it to make her look stupid, and that I'm mean and only care about myself... But that isn't true. The only true part, is that she tripped over my foot and fell. I didn't mean for it to happen.

My new pottery class started last week. Last Tuesday I was a little overwhelmed and had trouble just throwing a simple cylinder. Tonight, emotionally overwhelmed with relational complications of the past week, the temptation was strong to skip the class, stay home, and isolate upstairs in my room. I didn't want to go out at all, but honestly, it had little to do with pottery...

Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and self assured, and the past few days I haven't been able to shake the heavy blanket of self doubt and depression. I know that dark clouds will pass in time, as they always do, but I find myself wondering how long it will take to make up the lost progress of the previous months. I've come so far in the journey to healing, and yet I still find each setback frightening, especially when the feeling of loss and dread are so profound. It's a though a pair of giant claws are sunk deep into my flesh and I'm bleeding...

I could have stayed home this evening, but then I remembered the previous times when the things I love so much (children, photography, pottery...) have felt overwhelming, and I knew to stay home would be to let the depression win. So I went. I went to my class even though my heart was heavy, and once again God came through. He took my heavy heart and held me close. It was a good evening, a silly evening of cup handles turned gargoyles and conversations that made us laugh. And I am grateful.

(The faces were a group effort, each one touched by multiple hands as they were transformed from normal handles stuck on the wall, to faces.)