The Time Has Come

Actually, the time is tomorrow, which means I more than likely won't be sitting down to write anything, and that is why the time has come. It all makes sense. Really. It does. Tomorrow evening I'm flying to Florida to visit my former "Minnesota Family." They've been in Florida for a little over a year now, so I guess it's safe to call them my "Florida Family" now. 

I've worked a few extra hours this week. It will be nice to see a bigger paycheck at the end of next week, unless I get sent home early tomorrow afternoon, which is entirely possible. Did I mention how I have a love/hate relationship with my job? I love the babies and they are hard work. I am attached again and dreading the day when I have to let this bunch go. I'm still tossing alternative job possibilities about in my mind... Ugh. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't do this job without putting my whole heart into it...

I made a simple phone call today and changed my primary care doctor. I was booted from the last one because I hadn't been therein three years. The office was not convenient to my home or work. I visited Urgent Care once or twice for a test this past year but have otherwise not been in need of a physician. So anyway, I called the office close to home and asked to be added as a patient there. If my shoulder is still hurting when I come home from Florida, perhaps I will pay them a visit.

I signed up for another pottery class. I should probably have my head examined!

Child Development Associate

My days at work have fallen into a somewhat steady routine, as steady as a routine can be with four children under a year old. Arrival, playtime, breakfast, diapers, bottles, nap. More diapers, lunch, bottles, playtime, nap. Diapers, bottles, snack, playtime, departure...Today I disassembled our bulletin board and redecorated. Took down our penguins, love bugs, and cardinals along with a stack of photos, and put up something new. Footprint bunnies, carrots, butterflies and flowers, and put up a new stack of photos. I've found an outlet for my photography even if I can't share much of it here. 

I won't be making a return to kitchen duties. The kitchen will soon be turned over to a former cook and I will be a permanent fixture as an Infant Teacher. Imagine that! The CDA is progressing. It might be slow but I have almost 3 more certificates under my belt. It is a good fit for me too. "My girls" are developing wonderfully. They're all mobile in one way or another and our straggler is ahead in language skills, which isn't surprising. I am already dreading the day when they move up to toddlers.

I'm coming up on a couple days off. I bought airline tickets to Florida back in January, but Florida (formerly known as Minnesota) is coming to New York instead. (That's a story I won't get into...) My babies will wonder what has happened to me and I will be enjoying my grandchildren. Perhaps a Florida trip in the not too distant future. I'm still hoping.

Feeling Accomplished

I earned a certificate today. Dug in my heels and stayed the course until it was finished and I have a certificate to prove it. I have not a clue how many certificates I need to produce in the next year, but everyone has to start at the beginning. I have earned two so far. 

We finally had a Saturday where the windchill didn't suck the breath right out of the lungs. I didn't need my expensive gloves down by the lake this afternoon, just a hat and my thin knit gloves. I took a few pictures and decided not to become a casualty of the ice and trudged back up the hill to my car and came home. (Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow.)

I'm meeting a friend for breakfast tomorrow, my friend Gail. We don't connect near as much during the cold winter months as we do in summer and fall. It will be nice to catch up again. It's been a few weeks since we went out to dinner. I think Mama Lor's is becoming one of our favorite meeting spots.

Lots of family drama. Prayers are appreciated. God knows everything. 

Disappearing Act

 I haven't written a post in weeks, partly because I've been tired, busy and distracted, and partly because it can be hard to put my thoughts into something congruent and understandable. Mostly, by the time I come upstairs to my computer I'm tired and not able to express anything I want to pass on. The sad piece is that I'm no longer keeping much of a journal at all.

* The first weekend of October, my friend Gail and I went to a Sea Glass Festival in Ship Bottom, New Jersey. 

The weather was absolutely fantastic and I fell in love with the ocean all over again in a new way. While home packing for the trip, I took my bathing suit out of the drawer and then chided myself. "Martha, it's October. You don't need your bathing suit." Oh, silly me! Thankfully, I am well practiced in getting my feet and pant legs wet while down at the lake. The ocean waves and surf were glorious!!! By the time we left the beach I was wet all the way up to my backside. (I have thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of my vacations this year!)

* Things have been switched up at work. We have a plethora of babies and so I have been transferred from kitchen duty to the baby room where I am in charge of four babies who are 3, 4, 5,and 6 months old. All girls. (That's my mermaid granddaughter in the picture.) Most of the babies are pretty easy going, but there's a feisty little character in the mix who keeps me hopping. I'm still hopping on the days she isn't there, but when she is, I hop faster. Ha ha! They are a sweet little bunch and all enjoy a long, close snuggle here and there. The worst part of the job, aside from being trapped in a back corner and forgotten, is that I miss all my other little friends who are taking their naps when I go on my lunch break. I snatch every moment or two I can to smile, wave, or give them a hug.

* I'm in the middle of another wheel thrown pottery class. This time  Dan (who is my chiropractor, and I haven't been there in weeks...) is in the class along with Katie, one of his receptionists. I had to laugh when Tuesday night he made a suggestion and she said, "You're not the boss of me." I'm failing at the wheel this time around. It feels like my heart just isn't in it anymore and I'm about ready to give up the shelf I rent and never use. The money would be better spent on my Friday night ventures to do pottery with my cousins. I thought I might have a change of heart after this class, but it hasn't happened so far...

* It's a rainy weekend. I'm inside all week long so when the weekend weather is nice I don't stay in. Dark clouds, wet ground, and a constant drizzle make it easier to stay home. I might even sort through some of my room. Maybe.

Two Weeks

 I've never gone so long between posts as between this one and the last. I can hardly recall what's happened that I might want to look back on...

* Minnesota. I lost track of how many times Jim said, "You know, Mom, you could stay another week," or "Mom, don't you want to stay another week?" I have to admit, it was very tempting. Deep inside I wanted to say yes, but I have a job that I needed to get back to and only three of the five days I'd taken were paid. When it came time to say goodbye, Parker (Number 11) was just waking up from a nap. He wasn't much in the mood for a cuddle, so I kissed his little forehead, told him I loved him, and choked back the emotion that wanted to well up inside and leak out my eyes.

On Thursday night, September 2, my blog friend Kim picked me up at Jim's house and we went for a walk at the Trout Brook Nature Sanctuary which was only about a mile or so away. She had a limited span of time to spend but I was grateful for her company. I don't know if I will ever get back to Minnesota and I missed her last time I visited. My friend Kristina wasn't feeling well when I was there and so we didn't get a chance to meet up. I'm hoping one day in the future we will make another connection.

Jim was off work for the weekend, so we took a ride with the boys on Saturday afternoon. We stopped to say hello to Jim's childhood buddy Dan and his wife Rachel in Farmington on our way to Nerstrand Big Woods State Park. It was a quick visit, mostly some hugs, a picture or two, and a little conversation, and then we were on our way. Dan and Rachel had a prior engagement to attend and hadn't been aware of my presence in MN until the previous evening.

We took the boys on a little hike through the woods to a "hidden" waterfall where an ever changing group of people enjoyed the cool water. The little found it wonderfully fascinating, while their older brother kept a sharp watch on them. I watched through my camera lens.

I returned from Minnesota on Sunday, September 6 following a fabulous brunch at Grammy and Granddad's house where we took some family pictures and Jim helped me do an "early" check-in for my flight because I'd forgotten all about it when we went to the woods on Saturday. He took me to the airport a little after 4 pm for my 5:30 pm flight home. I arrived in Rochester at approximately 11:30 pm local time and my friend Chris, who works near the airport, picked me up a little after midnight and took me home. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I miss my Minnesota people. In fact, I miss them very much. 

 * After my week away and flight home, I was relieved to have Labor Day off work. There were no picnics or parties planned. Late in the afternoon I took a drive out to find my friend Gail at her cottage in Williamson and we combed the rocky lake shore for bits of tumbled glass. It was an unusually quiet Labor Day. On my way home from Gail's I stopped by Bethany's house to drop a birthday gift off for Jilly (Number 8) who turned 6 while I was out of town. Jake (Number 5) had a birthday on September 11 and is now halfway to 18. (He's nine.)

* Work was crazy while I was gone and I returned to a daycare running at partial capacity. It's been a strange week and a half. The children have returned to school and are slowly trickling back in from mandatory isolations. (Yeah, that. I skipped town just in time.) Something in the daycare feels off, but it isn't the sickness. I'm hoping whatever it is passes and everything begins to feel normal again, but this too is a growing moment. 

* There was a family gathering on Sunday afternoon with chile. The forecast inspired us to change locations and so there were 12 grandchildren running about and frolicking in the house, yard, and driveway. They caught baby crickets in the grass and played in the rain. There were grown up conversations, heated discussions, and moments of encouragement. My heart is full and achy at the same time. 

* I started a new pottery class last night. Same instructor as in the spring as well as one classmate. I also know two others in the class; my friend Dan and his friend Katie. Although I haven't been to the studio much in the past few months, it felt comfortable and relaxed. I'm looking forward to the next eight weeks and wondering what kind of vessels will emerge... 

** I'm also still enjoying pottery nights with my cousins. This is my second "lace" cup, this time with a handle. I haven't yet decided how I'll finish it. It's possible I'll have it fired at the studio as they run their kilns at a much higher temperature. Time will tell.

Clay in His Hands

 Grief. It never ends. It just gets traded in for a newer model.

She tripped over my foot. I wasn't careful how far out into the aisle it was, and when she came running by, she caught my toe and down she went. If I'd had my feet directly in front of me, she wouldn't have fallen. It was an accident, but she's insistent that I intentionally hurt her, even said I pushed her as well... and that I laughed. I heard her tell someone that I'm always doing those things, that I do it to make her look stupid, and that I'm mean and only care about myself... But that isn't true. The only true part, is that she tripped over my foot and fell. I didn't mean for it to happen.

My new pottery class started last week. Last Tuesday I was a little overwhelmed and had trouble just throwing a simple cylinder. Tonight, emotionally overwhelmed with relational complications of the past week, the temptation was strong to skip the class, stay home, and isolate upstairs in my room. I didn't want to go out at all, but honestly, it had little to do with pottery...

Two weeks ago I was feeling confident and self assured, and the past few days I haven't been able to shake the heavy blanket of self doubt and depression. I know that dark clouds will pass in time, as they always do, but I find myself wondering how long it will take to make up the lost progress of the previous months. I've come so far in the journey to healing, and yet I still find each setback frightening, especially when the feeling of loss and dread are so profound. It's a though a pair of giant claws are sunk deep into my flesh and I'm bleeding...

I could have stayed home this evening, but then I remembered the previous times when the things I love so much (children, photography, pottery...) have felt overwhelming, and I knew to stay home would be to let the depression win. So I went. I went to my class even though my heart was heavy, and once again God came through. He took my heavy heart and held me close. It was a good evening, a silly evening of cup handles turned gargoyles and conversations that made us laugh. And I am grateful.

(The faces were a group effort, each one touched by multiple hands as they were transformed from normal handles stuck on the wall, to faces.)

And That's the Weekend For Ya!

I spent Valentine's Day at work with the Littles this year, and afterward I went to my class at the pottery studio. It was a good day and I was thankful for the evening activity. It meant not going home to a quiet, empty house. I thought we might be missing a few class members, but everyone was there. I guess it was good for all of us.

Saturday evening brought a potluck dinner with my friends from the Divorce Care group I attended last winter. We all have different stories and are in differing places of healing. They are a great group, but even so sometimes I feel lost in the middle of it all. Much of it is my own tendency to build walls of protection around myself and to put distance between me and others. I'm still working on this.

After unsuccessfully trying to sleep off a (most likely) tension headache this afternoon, I met a friend for coffee at Barnes and Noble. It seemed a good place to sit and talk because they have comfy chairs and a built-in Starbucks. I went for something simple and got a regular coffee and a giant oatmeal raisin cookie. We sat for several hours and when I left my headache was gone. Friends are good medicine.

Although I'm rarely ever looking forward to waking up while it's still pitch black outside, I am ready to get back to work and those sometimes smiling, sometimes squalling children. Love them (most of the time) either way! Ha ha!

Grabbed a photo from 2015. A sleepy kitty. Maybe one day I'll get another...

Bits and Pieces

* The rocky emotional seas are not so overwhelming today. I'm riding out the squall safe in the boat with the Captain. If He can still a storm with just one word, then I am safe. It matters not whether He is awake, or asleep on a pillow, so long as He is in the boat, and He is.

* I started my new pottery class last Friday. Advanced Hand Building, whatever that means. Ha ha! I think it means we aren't learning all those very basic skills, but a few alternative techniques and are free to explore. The best part is it gets me back to the studio and in connection with people.

* I had a good meeting with my therapist on Tuesday afternoon. In my estimation, tears are always a sign of growth and awareness, and this time there were tears. I have some homework to do, a couple of things actually, and one of them involves what happened in my step study back in the spring. Prayers regarding that would be appreciated. (Thank you.)

* I've been eating healthier this past week. Haven't consumed quite the number of vegetables I should, but I'm working on it, and I've made some great strides.

* The daycare kids are boogery. We've got a bit sickness going around, but all in all things are good. I've received some great hugs, and passed out lots of snuggles so far this week.

Bits and Pieces

Bits and pieces because that's all I can do tonight.

* It's been a cold, snowy run of days. Last night I went home feeling slightly off, climbed the steps early, and turned the light out before 8 pm. I must have needed the rest because aside from getting up to use the bathroom, I slept all night.

* "Weird." That was the topic of conversation in the kitchen at work today, and I said, "Life feels weird. Not here at work, but outside of here life feels weird." And Kristie said, "It won't always feel that way." Perhaps one day life will normalize, but that day is hard to imagine. It seems as if life will always and forever be weird.

* The "D" Word. I thought it would never apply to me, but here it is stuck on my coat. "Divorced" I always thought it an ugly word, and in so many ways it is, but it feels all the uglier because I always hear my mother's words echoing through my thoughts. "God hates divorce." But does he? Is it divorce itself God hates? Or is it the events that lead us to divorce? I pushed it through, and life is weird. *sigh*

* Little arms reaching. Lots of them. They are looking for hugs. All those little arms, and how can I say no? They need hugs and I need them too. "Me! Me!" called one small child as she put her arms in the air. They are hungry for not only the food I bring, but the love. Oh, how I hate telling them I have to go make lunch or wash the dishes.

* The house was quiet and empty when I came home tonight. I considered going out to the pottery studio, but stayed here instead. I found a message from a pottery friend on Facebook. Someone looking to know when I might be there as she doesn't like to be there all alone on the weekend. And then, I signed up for another hand building class because I do not like being alone either. Friday nights from January through March. Eight weeks of mud therapy. Just what I need.
:0)

Drama Class

Lots of drama at work the past couple of weeks. Multiple reasons. Change of employees. Rearranging of responsibilities. New children. A week off school. Incident reports... Oh, yeah! Fun times, and even yours truly got caught in the cross-fire. And here I thought I was safe in the kitchen!

The weekend is almost upon us. Saturday is Take Two for the First Aid/CPR course. I was supposed to have taken it back in August. I arrived on time, on the right day and couldn't figure out why the door was locked and I was the only one in the parking lot. Someone forgot to inform me of the change in location and felt really terrible about it the following Monday. I trust it will go better this time around.

And now, although I have plenty to write, I must turn off the light and go to sleep because tomorrow is Friday and I have a hamburger pie to make for somewhere between 50 and 60 kids.

Saturday Blues

All week I look forward to Saturday, but rather than going out to play I am staying in. I came home a bit on the queasy side yesterday and climbed into bed with the chills. I feel better today, but am still stiff and achy. Laying low is the name of the game. Perhaps a nap or two, a bit of tea, and a sip of Mighty Mango smoothie. (I did sneak off to the bank and paid my Target card, but now I'm staying home.)

No open studio for me today. No open studio anyway. It's the annual chili cookoff. I am hoping to feel better tomorrow so I can go in for the make up class our instructor is doing.

I glazed a couple of my bowls. They're actually big enough to hold a serving of cereal or a small salad. This is the goal. Make them big enough to be functional and maybe I'll have a few to give away come Christmas. It's a noble goal, don't you think?

Whoosh! Goes the Weekend

I have a renewed appreciation for my dad, who worked hard at a physical job all week long, and still took the time to play and read to us, take us out often on evenings and weekends, rarely missed a Sunday church service, and visited our handicapped brother every other weekend. He kept up with the routine for years and years.

It was a busy weekend. I went to the pottery studio both Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Saturday was open studio, this afternoon (and the next two Sundays) our instructor is making up for time she has or will miss. I opted to take advantage of the opportunity to practice and learn. Fun, frustrating, and freeing all at once.

Late yesterday afternoon we had our tax return done. Always no fun.

This Sunday I spent second service helping with three-year-olds in the children's ministry. I find it so much easier to sit on the floor now than I did nine months ago when I started working at the daycare center. It's easier to get up too. Once upon a time I considered buying a gym membership, and now I get paid to working out. Ha ha!

(Did I tell you how I'm slowly getting to know second cousins at church? Of course I didn't... I met my second cousin Sue today. Her daughter is overseeing the part of the children's ministry I'm helping with. And then there's that other second cousin Keith, who followed me into church last week. Some from my dad's side and some from my mom's. It really is a small world. Really, it is!)

After a grocery run on my way home from the pottery studio today, I backtracked to visit with my favorite Bethany and and her kiddos. We shared a cup of tea and a bit of conversation. I got home just in time to find Hannah heading out to work. We cross paths this way too often. After she left I had a little talk with Idris, watched him spin himself dizzy, and kissed his sweet little cheeks. He is a great storyteller! I just wish I knew what he was saying.

Now it's time to settle myself down, close my eyes, and start the week all over again tomorrow.

At the Studio

Pottery night.  Working with clay is good therapy for me. It's the reason I keep paying for new classes. We're a little more than halfway through this one already. I've thrown a few bowls, pulled a bunch of cylinders, and tonight I made a plate. This class has been more profitable in that I feel much more confidant in what I am doing. I don't mind tossing the failed pot back in the bag and starting over, and sometimes I simply enjoy it for the practice.

I stole a picture of a classmate this evening as she fixed a mar in her plate. It was a good night.

Pitching Dishes

Okay, so I was throwing pots. Isn't that the same thing? (These are from Thursday night's class.)

This afternoon went back to the Arts Center and took advantage of open studio. I practiced making cylinders again. This something I haven't done previous. I cheated and made bowls without doing cylinders.

Today though, I practiced. I didn't save the first four or five cylinders. They were twisted and so got tired and collapsed before I could turn them into anything functional.

When I had used up all my reclaimed studio clay in practice, and it was too wet to play with, I set it aside and took out a better lump of clay. When I had fashioned a decent sized cylinder (the one pictured here), I pulled it out into a bowl. Not too bad for a few hours work. The say "practice makes perfect," so I'm practicing and seeing the finished results improve. Maybe this time I'll have a few bowls worth giving as gifts, or at least be on my way there.

It's a small world, you know. I liked my instructor's Facebook page (here) and several days later another pottery page showed up as a suggestion in my newsfeed. Sometimes those ad like things get a little annoying, but I did a double-take this time. There on the page was the name of my oldest daughter's one time best friend and birthday buddy. Hannah had moved away years ago when she was just eight years old and we'd lost track of her completely, yet there she was on Facebook. We had no Facebook connections save my pottery teacher, who at one time had "liked" her page, partly because of the similarity to her own. (Isn't that cool?)

That Pottery Class

After work I went back to the pottery studio to find my pieces. I had a hard time finding them. It's a look and look kind of game. Find something vaguely familiar looking and turn it over to check for a name. I almost gave up before I hit gold. Seven smallish bowls of varying sizes and shades. (There are nine here because I found two on Monday.)

Throwing is a challenge and glazing is another. I did mostly okay. I am satisfied with the results.

 They're signed and dated. (Next time I might give them numbers.)

I had a little trouble with two of them dripping. I find that a bit sad.

The next class is in January. Perhaps if I am a very good girl Santa will bless me with the funds for another go at it.
:0)

Playing in the Mud

It was an emotional week for me. Sometimes that happens. I needed an outlet, so I headed into Rochester yesterday afternoon and spent a few hours playing at the pottery studio. They say it's all about the practice, and open studio hours are limited. My only choice is Saturday afternoon since our class runs during the only evening open studio.

I threw about five or six vessels. One flopped, and one came home with me to dry because the guy who I share a shelf with is very prolific at throwing... I think he has almost 2/3 of the space. But I'm not complaining. (Okay, so maybe I am.) I think I might need to make sure I have room in my van Thursday night in case I need to bring any more home. Glazing starts soon so it's good I'll soon have some pieces to fire.

Pottery and Such

I stopped into the pottery studio to pick up a few finished items. I'd been told my box was on the shelf waiting for me and sure enough, there it was! Pretty cool. I like it.
:0)

Playing in the Mud

Mom almost always let us play in the mud. Mud Pies was one of my favorite games and remains a favorite childhood memory. As my mud pie making buddy will testify, "Yes we made the very best mud pies in all of the land, for sure." (Never mind the time I fell in a puddle as a toddler and cried, "Get these muddy things off of me!") As long as I don't have to wear it, I love it.

My hand building class is wrapping up just as we are really getting into it. This time around I have taken advantage of a few Thursday evening open studio nights to play. This evening was likely my last night to build any new wet projects and so I did just that. I made a cute mug to replace the one that met its demise. I assume it probably tumbled off the edge of the shelf... Oh, well.

I didn't take any pictures tonight but I took a couple on Tuesday when we had class. My "burlap box" has not yet met the fire but it's ready. I am looking forward to the finished product because I already think it's kind of cool. Oh goodness! I'm going to need another class.

Bits and Pieces

Too much going through my mind to post, so I will attempt to keep it simple for now.

* Hannah's birthday was yesterday. My baby is 22. We celebrated with her traditional birthday dessert; brownie sundaes. I didn't take pictures. You'll just have to use your imagination... or maybe I'll post an old one.

* I love my job. I get lots and lots of hugs, and give out lots and lots of hugs and kisses. I will admit to checking the clock when it gets toward the end of the day, but only because I have to do something besides play during the day.

* My pottery class has been fun. It's not over yet, but we are winding up the wet work and after this week the focus will be on firing and glazing. My current project is a large piece. I did the bulk of building last night and will hopefully finish tomorrow.  Too bad things are winding down just as I am gearing up. You know what that means? Yup. I need another class.

* On my way to class last night I witnessed a good Samaritan help a snapping turtle safely cross two lanes of westbound rush hour traffic. I had a front row seat. It's nice that most folks stop for turtles, and they are most often assisted across the road. They're kind of like little old ladies, I guess. Ha ha!

* There are no flowers in my gardens, at least none to speak of. Perhaps there will be a bed full of them down by the vegetable garden. It's hard to believe all my perennials have disappeared.

* Life goes on. It changes, but keeps moving forward.

* My caterpillar morphed into a butterfly and flew away. So cool.

Snippets

The weekend is upon us. Snippets from my week...

* A poopy day is a good day, at least for me. Poopy means I got to spend time with some of my favorite little people. They leave messes to clean up but make the effort more than worthwhile by the love they give in return. There is nothing like a small pair of arms around my neck, a little one who voluntarily climbs onto my lap, or little people calling my name. "Miss Martha, Miss Martha... "

* I let the chickens out for an hour or so Wednesday evening. The balked and clucked and headed straight for their favorite place to take a dust bath. I sat outside while they dusted themselves and scratched about, and then I lured them back into the coop with the last two pieces of bread.

* Naughty One makes himself scarce these days. Each time I'm sure he's either adopted a new owner or fallen prey to a predator, he shows up for a pat on the head. Maybe he's just sore because we treated him for tapeworms...

* Naughty Too has been antagonizing the barn swallows down below the barn. He sits out in the grass while they screech and dive bomb him. Lucky for them they are the stealth bombers of the bird world.

* Thursday evening I went from work to the pottery studio which was closed on Tuesday for the 4th of July. I didn't end up with anything grand to save, but being there was therapeudic just the same. No pictures this time. Maybe next week. :0)

* Tomorrow my favorite granddaughter turns six. (I hope you know I have two favorites.) There's supposed to be a party. I'll be going but I have an idea she'll be far more interested in something other than her grandmother. How does a grandma compete with friends, presents, and yummy treats? Ha ha!