Truth is Hard To Swallow

Forgive me a heavy post while I sort my thoughts...

My biggest regret in life is inadvertently teaching my children to tolerate and accept abuse. My greatest heartache is seeing the effects of my failure to teach them otherwise. I thought I was teaching them love and forgiveness. I somehow thought they would automatically and instinctively know what abuse looked like. I didn't realize they would come to view it as "normal." Instead of teaching them to choose healthy relationships, I modeled enabling, and I failed to protect them when they were abused. How often did I bite my tongue in order to avoid escalating a situation? How many times did I cover for him because of my own fear or embarrassment? How regularly did I tell myself "It isn't that bad" or "It could be worse"? Why didn't I realize how deep and long-lasting are the wounds of spiritual, emotional and mental abuse? How did I come to believe the lack of physical evidence equated the lack of actual abuse? How did I slip into focusing only on what was good in our family when in actuality so much was out of line?  The price is astronomical.

Today I have a divorce, but it took extenuating circumstances to get us here. I didn't arrive in this place without an incredible amount of inner conflict. It has been incredibly painful on every side. I have felt the crippling inability to respond, the suffocating agony of straddling disbelief and acceptance, and the fear of losing everything I loved including my relationship with my children. I have both kept silent and shared secrets, attempted to gloss over pain as well as expose it, and to be honest about our issues while not tearing down the other. It's an impossible balance and I fall multiple times on a daily basis. Sometimes I have a painfully difficult time getting up to try again.

When I walked away from my marriage, it was my desperate hope to set an better example for my children, but they were already grown. I finally saw a boundary that had to be enforced, even though there had been boundary crossings trampled long before. (Sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize the extent of what I have tolerated.) I am finally beginning to understand why outsiders are so furious with the "non offending" parent, even though I understand her place because I am her.

Where do I go from here? What can I do? It is impossible to travel back in time and do life over again, to make better past choices myself and set better past examples. I'm struggling to not make excuses for the younger me, while at the same time realizing that the younger Martha did the best she knew how to do. This is a painful process full of icky feeling emotions. My hands feel dirty but no matter how many times I wash them, I can't seem to get them entirely clean... And just when I feel utterly hopeless, God steps in to remind me that there is always hope with Him. I don't have to be an enabler. I can make better choices for the future. I can heal from codependence. I can be a better mom, grandmother, and friend.

All That Stuff

How can it be Tuesday night already? And whatever happened to Sunday and Monday?

On Sunday morning I met with the woman who brought Celebrate Recovery to our church. I gave her some background information and told her what had brought me to the Step Study. I told her how after 41 weeks I had been asked to leave the group and how invalidated I felt. I told her it was like having the rug ripped out from under me. From our talk, I understand there were some Step Study guidelines I did not follow. I did not always have my homework finished. Apparently this is a requirement that was not enforced or talked about until I was asked to step out of the group. (This is why in an email I told the leader that "I'm willing to follow the rules, but I do need to know what the rules are in order to follow them." and "You are trying to hold me accountable to rules you didn't know existed, and that is not fair.")

Whether or not what I shared with CR Lady will make a difference (for anyone else), I do not know. What I do know is that talking with her helped open a different door in my heart and mind, a door God has been working to open for a while. I cried during the meeting. I tried not to but I did anyway. This woman was once my eleventh grade English teacher. Eleventh grade was hard. Not because she was my teacher, but because it was the year I became pregnant with my first baby. When the senior class was attending high school graduation, James and I were in my parents' back yard getting married... So many emotions... So much bottled up inside of me...

During the church service tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them. I forgot to bring any mascara with me, and by the time I got into my car, there wasn't a bit left on my face. I took an hour nap on the couch in the afternoon before a friend picked me up for another emotional meeting. (A story for another day.) My stomach was feeling sick and my head ached.

By the time I arrived home Sunday evening, I was literally ill. I texted my boss a warning and crawled into bed hoping I wouldn't throw up, and went to sleep at 7 o'clock. I was able to drag my tired and headachy, but not sick to my stomach, self to work Monday morning, and after a visit to the chiropractor that evening, came home mostly just exhausted. I went to bed at 9:30 pm and woke up feeling so much better this morning. I had a good day at work and didn't burn anything. (Yesterday I burned the broccoli. Oops.)

Growing Pains

Pottery class last night, therapist this morning.

 A late afternoon cup of coffee, half decaf, got me through the class without feeling like falling asleep. The last figure I glazed is out of the kiln. I was initially disappointed in the glaze, but the more I look at it the better I like it. It adds to the mood of the piece in an unexpected way, and although I think I know what happened to cause the effect, I am not entirely sure I could duplicate it. (The damp glaze must have rubbed off on my hand when I turned it over to wipe it off the bottom.) I'm not sure what I would call it if I were to give it a name. It is not quite so troubled as the one I called "Disappointment".

There were tears this morning. Unexpected tears.  My kids. They have been, and still are my greatest joy. I never imagined feeling so separated from them and so helpless to remedy the resulting ache deep inside. Once upon a time it was easy to schedule family gatherings, but today I feel crippled. Instead of planning dinners I am finding reasons why not to plan them. This is self defeating and crippling. It isn't good self care, and it isn't helping heal our brokenness. (*breathe deep*)

Tomorrow morning I have a short meeting with the woman who brought Celebrate Recovery to our church. She is not the leader, but has great influence over those who are. She was also once my eleventh grade English teacher. She is not warm and fuzzy, yet I know underneath is a caring woman who will (hopefully) hear the cry of my heart. I am going in response to my therapist's encouragement. I am not the only one to be hurt by this particular group. I need to be a voice for not only myself, but others as well. This is hard. I hope I don't cry. That would make my mascara run.

Bits and Pieces

* The rocky emotional seas are not so overwhelming today. I'm riding out the squall safe in the boat with the Captain. If He can still a storm with just one word, then I am safe. It matters not whether He is awake, or asleep on a pillow, so long as He is in the boat, and He is.

* I started my new pottery class last Friday. Advanced Hand Building, whatever that means. Ha ha! I think it means we aren't learning all those very basic skills, but a few alternative techniques and are free to explore. The best part is it gets me back to the studio and in connection with people.

* I had a good meeting with my therapist on Tuesday afternoon. In my estimation, tears are always a sign of growth and awareness, and this time there were tears. I have some homework to do, a couple of things actually, and one of them involves what happened in my step study back in the spring. Prayers regarding that would be appreciated. (Thank you.)

* I've been eating healthier this past week. Haven't consumed quite the number of vegetables I should, but I'm working on it, and I've made some great strides.

* The daycare kids are boogery. We've got a bit sickness going around, but all in all things are good. I've received some great hugs, and passed out lots of snuggles so far this week.

Every Day's an Adventure

I went out the door this morning only to discover my car was deader than a door nail. Had to open the door with my key, and then found the driver's side was the only door I could unlock. The battery was so dead that the power locks wouldn't work. I might have a jumper cable in the back of the car, but if I do it is buried underneath my snow tires (Nope, they're not on the car yet.) which were locked in the back of the car. I am grateful for my son in law who came out to help me jump start my vehicle with his own jumper cables. What would I do without him? (Probably miss church while waiting for Triple A to show up.)

I knew the battery probably wouldn't be charged well enough by the time I got to church, but I parked anyway and went inside, already late for the service. Probably should have backed into the space or pulled all the way through... When I came out to start it up after church it went "rrr" when I turned the key, but the battery didn't have enough juice to turn the engine over. I can't say I was terribly surprised, just somewhat inconvenienced.

My sister Rachel and her husband were still at church in a class. I knew Dave could help me when Sunday school was over, so I went back inside. I don't know the mind of God or what He is up to, but things did not go well inside... Or maybe they went exactly as they were supposed to. I guess only time will tell...

The perfect storm had been brewing. It started last Sunday when the leader who asked me to leave the CR Step Study back in April interrupted my conversation with a former CoDA friend, sent her to do a job, and then gave me a trite apology. Storm clouds gathered yesterday morning when I met an old homeschooling mom friend for lunch. She mentioned possibly going to Celebrate Recovery and I told her not to go to the one at my church. Thunder rumbled when a short time later I ran into one of my former CR Step Study members in the grocery store and felt the all too familiar unease that often comes when I stop to talk with someone from the group. A stiff wind blew this morning when I returned to the church lobby and ran into the CR leader again. She gave me another apology for interrupting last week and said "I didn't realize you were deep in conversation," but her apology sounded far from sincere.

I'm not even sure how it happened, but all the pent up anger over what happened back in April and the distance I now feel from former friends came rushing out. "I'm sorry you feel that way," she said and I found myself feeling invalidated and even more angry. There were words. Loud words.

The storm has dissipated now, although I still hear thunder in the distance. The air feels cold and damp. I know God is still here beside me and that He loves me. Maybe there is something for which I need to ask His forgiveness in all of this, but tonight I don't know what it is. I only know He put me exactly where He wanted me to be. He let things appear a little out of control, and then put a familiar person there to help settle my heart and thoughts. This person listened to my heart's cry and said, "I wish I knew what to say..." and you know, that meant a lot because she took the time to listen even though she didn't know how to help.

And then Rachel and Dave came out of Sunday school. Dave helped me jump start my car and we stopped at Walmart and bought the very last battery that fit my car and he changed it for me while Rachel and I went to visit our Brother Tim.

Playing Dress Up and Stuff

I was hoping for a warm sunny weekend... But it looks like I'll have to wait at least another week for one of those. Our forecast is not favorable. At least not for outdoor activities that don't include parkas and mittens.

I considered going to the pottery studio tonight after work, but ultimately decided to come home and do a bit of writing. I should have been writing a couple months ago. Perhaps if I had I would still be part of that Step Study... but God had other plans. It was a hard experience, but God never makes mistakes. He removed me from the group and I have to trust that He knows best. It's actually been nice not having to rush on Monday evenings. Last week I came home, and this past week I went out to the house in Williamson. We have an extra few weeks to sort through out stuff, and this is good. We need the time. There is healing in doing this together.

Last night I opened an ancient suitcase full of dress up clothes I'd collected during my "Flower Garden" days. The days when little ones came to my house to play for the day. I threw the smelly clothes into the wash and tossed them in the dryer. Then I folded them up and piled them into a paper bag. This morning I took them to work. The toddlers loved the hats and the 3 year olds loved the dresses. I didn't bother with the suitcase. It smells old and musty. Besides, we wouldn't want some child getting locked inside now, would we?

It was quite satisfying to see several children wearing the clothes I brought. And they were smiling.
:0)

Stuffing Envelopes

More word pictures...

Was talking with the Cabinet Maker this evening about character defects and missing pieces, and I mentioned how as a child I never learned the skill of conflict resolution. I told him that I learned to stuff envelopes. I would simply put that grudge or resentment into an envelope, lick the flap, stick it shut, and put it away. With the envelope sealed and filed, I didn't have to deal with the issue. Or so I thought...

I have spent much of the past few years sorting through envelopes. Picking them up, turning them over, but only very rarely breaking the seal and dumping the contents. When I ran into the situation with my step study leaders, I didn't want to silently slip the conflict into an envelope, seal it up, and tuck it away. All those piled up envelopes are a fire hazard! This time I have purposed to deal with the conflict in what I hope to be a healthy way instead. I know that will entail another meeting with the leader. It is painful growth.

So, yeah. I went out to the house from work tonight. We have a monumental task ahead of us. Cleaning out the house and barns can't be done in a day or two. We need weeks, and a few are all we  have, so I am going to be spending a significant amount of time in Williamson sorting through mountains of stuff. And so will James. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

PS. No more chickens... A neighbor- hood dog ran off with the remaining hen last week. Made James sad.
:0(

Resurrection Day

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: 
“I have seen the Lord!” 

And she told them that he had said these things to her. 

John 20:18

Early church service followed by breakfast with James at the little diner in the Webster village. No further plans at the moment. No family gathering. No Easter egg hunt. My sister mentioned a late dinner, so maybe I'll take her up on the offer. 

I had a good long weekend, but Sundays have tended to be emotional lately. I am learning to walk through it, rather than crawl or refuse to face it altogether. Last Sunday when I met the CR leader in the hall and she asked if she could hug me, I said, "No, not today." I wasn't there yet. The pain was still too raw. This week I let her give me a hug and I hugged her back, but I told her, "I'm still not there." I'm not ready to sit down and talk it out. I'm not one to harbor grudges or hold onto resentments, but I've not been one to work through them in a healthy way either. I typically run from confrontations like this, smooth them over, and struggle alone and in silence with a fake smile on my face. Now I'm "entirely ready" to have God remove this defect of character. I am not looking for confrontation, but the conflict resolution that comes as a result. Maybe one day soon we can sit down and talk.

The little Garden Tomb... I've always wanted to do something like that with my kids. The build up to Easter Sunday and the empty tomb has been missing from our Resurrection Celebrations. Maybe next year the grands and I can work on something like this.

Fog Horn

On my way to work yesterday, I drove through a few patches of morning fog. The sun was making its appearance, but there were spots along the way where the light was blocked by hills. The hills, even though low lying, momentarily kept the sun from shining through and dissipating the clouds. I drove past a farm shrouded in mist. At ground level the fog appeared thick, but I could see sunlight hitting the barn's peaks and the top of the silo as well. It was really a relatively thin layer and destined to be short lived.

The fog. It's been on my mind. I've been in a fog of my own. Getting tossed out of my step study group was painful and confusing. Another former member told me, "It may not seem like it but this is a blessing!!!! Please trust that God is blessing and protecting you. Give God all of your hurt and pain. And celebrate that you are special enough to God for Him to close this door, knowing God is about to open an even better door for you to get the healing your soul needs." She is right. And I knew she was, but at the time I couldn't see through the fog at ground level to where the sun was shining up above. Today a bit of the fog has burned away and I am beginning to see that God has closed that door and is opening another. He knows exactly what I need and when. (How does He do that?)

Last week I felt like I'd been left without a support group, but God had a different one for me. I'm not quite settled in yet, but it's getting more comfortable and I'm seeing that this group is better suited to my needs than the other one ever was. The fog hasn't completely lifted, but above the clouds, the sun is always shining.

Bumps

I'm not sure why God has put these difficult days in my life unless He means me to grow in ways I never imagined. I remember being a little girl and waking up in the middle of the night with an aching pain deep in my legs. I couldn't sleep and would cry out for my mother who would go to the kitchen to find me some medicine and a cup of cold water. The pain didn't go away as soon as I swallowed the pill, but I knew relief was on its way. The knowledge alone would enable me to settle back under the covers and allow my body to relax. Before long I would be sound asleep.

I can't see down the road and around the corner any better today than I could when my mom moved into our house eight and a half years ago. From November of 2010 ... "It feels like my family is falling apart. Life is not perfect, instead it dishes up challenges that we must overcome, some of them bigger than we really want to face. I do not know what is down the road and around the corner, I can only hope that the road once again becomes smooth. Until then the bumps threaten to throw us from the vehicle and leave us bleeding on the side of the road."  I made it down that road, not totally unscathed or without bruises, but I made it. I may have found myself bleeding here and there, I came out of the experience stronger and wiser.

Seeing down the road and and around the corner ahead of me is impossible, but looking in my rear view mirror is not. I can turn around and see what God has brought me through, and he's brought me through some hard things, and He's never left me to do it alone.

Today Was Good

It's been a good day. I visited my counselor this morning and met a friend at Panera afterward. We chose a small table in the sun, right next to the door and sat for the next three and a half hours. (We had a lot of catching up to do...) We didn't eat much, she had a salad, and I had tea and an orange scone, but it was really the connection we were seeking, and not so much the food.

I am not so much surprised at God's ability to meet me in my need, rather it is the way He meets those needs that always catches me by surprise. The week started out rough, really rough, but I've never doubted God's presence in all of it. Does He cause friends to hurt me, just so He can come to my rescue? I don't think so. But I do believe He is perfectly able to take what is intolerably painful and bring growth and healing through it. He is a God of redemption and that is how He works.

It was an incredibly beautiful, sunny day. My camera called out a few times, but instead of taking pictures, I went home to check my email and take a nap. And then I went out to pay my Target bill and buy a new toaster because our wasn't working this morning. Of course it's working fine now... I just want to know I can warm up my waffles on Monday before I head out to work. :0)

(I stole the picture... )

The Promise of Spring

Spring is gaining strength and winter is waning. Yesterday we had a few snowflakes in the air. This morning we had a fire drill and during the afternoon the children played outside in short sleeves. Tonight I am sitting at my little desk, once a wedding gift to my maternal grandparents, with the window open. The birds are singing their evening song and my heart is feeling peace.

Bible verse of the day, Psalm 126:5. They who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. I have to do a little more work on processing my hurt and anger from this week, but the pain is not overwhelming. I slept last night and tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor. I am grateful for the appointment because for some reason I was thinking I didn't have another until the end of the month. I actually said, "Praise God!" out loud when the reminder came in my email.    

It's been a week of sorting mind files, a going through the baggage kind of week, and this time things are beginning to make sense. Being asked to step out of a group to which I have dedicated 41 Monday evenings, June through April with only Labor day missing, was devastating, but it hasn't destroyed me. God has better plans for me. The healing He has in store is the kind I really want and need anyway., because He is the only one who knows my story from start to finish, and the only one who loves me wholly and completely.

I have not only been asked to step out of the group, but banished from it. I do not have the choice to return. I've been told I am "stuck," "not ready," and have not gone "deep enough" with my shared answers...But I am not stuck, because God doesn't leave his kids stuck. Instead He is using the seeming unkindness of people I loved and trusted, to get me over the hump. I was told I could start a new step study come September, but that is not likely to happen. Had the leaders been honest with the other members as to why I wasn't coming back, ... I might,...  maybe... consider it. But they were simply told I wasn't coming back, as if it had been my decision, and I think there is something inherently rotten about that. It's like I'm seeing a field of red flags waving at me, and tonight I am grateful for blank answers and an inability to write down what would normally flow naturally.

I am okay. Good even. I am learning to advocate for and take care of myself. I didn't need a rescuer to swoop in and fix it up for me, and that is progress. I've learned a major trigger point in my emotional baggage and God has lanced the wound deep in my heart. Healing has begun. Thank you for your prayers.

You Go, Girl!

Standing up for myself (and probably a few others) for once in my life, and I'll sleep better tonight for having done it.

I'm disappointed the step study turned out this way. It feels kind of like a nightmare... and a bit unbelievable. I could almost laugh though at the way God has used this in healing a part of me that has been broken for so very long. He loves me and that is all that matters.

Maybe I'll go back to CoDA after all.

Character Defects

I took a brave and fearless step last night and wrote a letter to our step study leaders. I had to do it. For me. And for those who will come after me... "One of my greatest character defects is not standing up for and advocating for Martha, and so today I am asking God to remove that defect. Today I choose, with His help, to advocate for myself in a way previously neglected, and I am starting with what transpired on Sunday morning."  In CoDA I learned that my journey to recovery is my own. I go at my own pace, in my own time. There is no "right way" to work the steps. "I emphasize progress over perfection."

Today was a good day. I went to sleep after emailing my letter last night. It was still relatively early, but I was emotionally exhausted and sleep came easy. I had a good day at work. My boss had forgotten to take the turkey roll home to be sliced yesterday, but I heard God whisper in my ear to take my Mandoline Slicer along with me this morning and the kids had turkey sandwiches after all. At my last shift in the baby room I had the pleasure of cleaning up an incredible blow-out. One I might have referred to several years ago as "The Babysitter Test." This small boy ended up in a sink of soapy water. It was that bad. Ha ha! This evening I ate dinner with my beautiful Bethany and her family and then we went for a walk around the block. Well, Jilly and I walked. Jake rode his bike and Beth was dragged around the neighborhood by her dog.

 I am okay. I am learning, and God is showing me He is still right here with me, providing for my needs, and holding me firm when strong winds threaten to knock me down and suck my strength away.

The LORD is a mighty tower where his people can run for safety--
Proverbs 18:10 CEV

And I Came Home

So tonight, for the first time in 42 weeks, I did not go to my step study. I came home instead to a little boy who said, "Hi, Grammy!" as soon as I walked in the door. He asked me to play cars and we sat on the floor together for a bit. Last night, on my trip to Target, I found a shiny, chrome Hot Wheels firetruck in a multi-pack of cars. I took the firetruck out and gave it to him before he went to bed last night. He slept with it in his hand and woke up still clutching it this morning. Firetrucks are his thing.

As I was writing this, I got a text from one of the women in my step study. She said she was sorry to hear she wouldn't be seeing me on Monday nights anymore... I sent a message telling her it wasn't my choice, and then my phone rang. I was surprised to see my daughter's number on the screen. She was surprised to have me answer the phone because even though she'd felt God prompting her to call me, she expected me to be at my step study. (Cue tears...)

Bethany was surprised to hear I wouldn't be going back to the study, and I think even more surprised at a sobbing mom on the other end of the phone. She asked if she could come over. It's been a long, long time since we've had a heart to heart talk. There were moments when I thought that time would never come... but it has. I'm learning. I'm still learning. My heart is still broken, and there are still tears, but I am finding my own broken places and trusting God will heal my wounds, even old ones. I am learning what triggers tears and feelings of insecurity, and I am learning just what lengths God will go to show me that He loves me.

It's late now, and I'll have another set of bags to take into work tomorrow morning. (I need one of those old facial masks my mom used to wear occasionally...) I've heard Preparation H works on eye bags. I looked at it in Walmart this afternoon, but decided I didn't ever want to explain to a doctor why or how I got it in my eye...





Photos of Number Nine from Friday's gathering because I have to put something fabulous and wonderful here.
:0)

Expect the Unexpected, I Guess

I am tired of beginning the arduous task of unpacking the baggage only to get overwhelmed and throw it all back into the bags unsorted. I don't know how to do this alone, and I don't know who or how to ask for help. It's such an agonizingly slow process that I can't blame my friends and family for shying away, especially when each item in the bags holds such deep meaning for me. I don't mean to chase people away,... really, I don't... and I don't know how to heal. I've come so far and have so far to go. The problem is I don't know where I'm headed or what I might need in those bags.

In the Bible, the Children of Israel were led out of a life of slavery in Egypt, and into the wilderness where God promised to take care of them and lead them into the Promised Land. They started out bold and courageous, ready for the journey, but ended up grumbling, full of fear, and wanting to turn back. They knew what they had left behind, and it wasn't all good, but had little idea of what lay ahead. They longed for the leeks and cucumbers of Egypt, but had no clue about the milk and honey that waited for them in Canaan.

I keep looking backward... I keep seeing all I have left behind. I keep seeing the good and forgetting the pain. It's not that I can't forget, it's that I have a hard time remembering. I circled some words on the checklist of flaws and assets... apprehensive, afraid, avoidant, defensive, enabling, fearful, indecisive, timid... honest, cooperative, faithful, loyal, reliable, forgiving, loving, concerned for others, patient, willing to grow... Fear has crippled me. I am frightened of other peoples' opinions, of being alone, and of expressing my own ideas and opinions. I am afraid of making wrong choices, even when I have every reason in the world to make them. Why? Why is it that I am so afraid? Where in the luggage is that piece buried?

"Three to five years..." That's how long he told me it could take to work through these things. I'm three and a half years in and some days I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm working through anymore. I know I need to change my focus... I need to work on Martha... but I don't even know most of the time what that means.

I've been asked to drop out of my step study. I don't have my inventory written and often haven't finished my homework... I didn't see it coming. I thought I still had time.

This was unexpected. This is painful. I don't know where to go from here.

It Was Cold Today

With school closed due to the arctic wind chill, we had a different kind of day at the center. No more than 31 children showed up, including our school age group. It was a more relaxed atmosphere and I had the rare privilege of going home 45 minutes early.

I've had two "much better than Monday and Tuesday" days. I know deep inside that grief comes in waves, but when it hits I am still overwhelmed. I also know I am not alone in my grief. Perhaps that is the biggest sorrow of all... It is just a part of why my heart is torn. I will be okay, but there will be days of intense pain in the process of getting there. I need to hurt, it's part of the healing, so please forgive me for the times when it bleeds through my writing.

Life is not all pain. There are hundreds of moments each day when I stop to soak in the blessings and remember to be thankful. Each little child, each hug, each smile... our sweet, soft babies, rascally toddlers, rambunctious preschoolers, and surly school age kids... I smile when our babies learn to walk, to talk, and say my name... We have one small child who calls me "Marka." Ha ha! When Sophia wrapped her little arms around my neck and said, "I luf you," my heart melted a little. I love the children, my coworkers, and my boss. I am thankful for my kitchen and the time I get to spend in the classrooms. It's a good place to be.

I am thankful for week days and week ends, for church on Sunday mornings, my step study on Monday nights, and the pottery studio. I am thankful for our counselor, my sisters, and my attic bedroom. I am thankful for my kids, for the cabinetmaker, and for my friends. I am blessed by the blog and my blog friends, and I'm even thankful for Facebook. And right now, I am thankful it isn't yet 11 o'clock and that my teeth are already brushed. I'm ready to turn out the light and go to sleep. Thanks for being there, guys.

Snow Tires and Stuff

Yesterday morning I was entirely thankful for good tires on my vehicle. (I can't remember if they are snow tires or brand new all-season tires, but they are doing a good job in the snow.) All the roads were snow covered and slick. It was so cold that every step I took made a squeaking sound as the snow moved under my feet. It was what I call "booger-freezing weather! I left home while it was still dark out and didn't come home until it was dark again.

Monday night is Step Study night. I am sorting through hard things. Some of it gets written down, but there are also thoughts still swirling, thoughts that haven't yet found a landing place. I'm learning more about me and it's an interesting journey.

Today was a hard day. A cranky day. I felt off and I knew it, but I made it through. It helps to be aware of my feelings and work my way through the day by giving myself room to breathe and admit I'm not always going to be okay every day. I just need to take one day at a time.

This evening I met my son Joe and we went out to Chipotle for a bite to eat. It's nice to catch up with my kids every once in a while. I knew there would come a day when they would go off on their own, I just didn't know how fast it would get here.

I'm expected at work a half hour early tomorrow morning. For some reason that makes me feel like I need to go to sleep earlier. Or maybe I'm really tired and that's why I was feeling cranky today.
:0)
 

Fearless

Step 4- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory

I may or may not have done this already... Now it's time to put the old letters in order, to make sense of then, and then lay it all to rest. I'd been struggling with what to write and how to write it when I came to the sudden realization that perhaps I'd done the hardest part of it 3 years ago in the form of "homework assignments." I thought digging them up would be harder, but God knew exactly where I'd buried them and they weren't too hard to find after all. There are more hiding somewhere but He knows where those are too. It's almost time for Step 5. Maybe I'll actually be ready when the time comes.

Sweet Honesty...

For as long as I can remember, it has been terribly difficult for me to be completely honest with others when I think my honesty will hurt them. The truth is, dishonesty always hurts someone. Sometimes that someone is the other person, but very often it is me.

I've cultivated the habit of smoothing things over, steadying the boat, and trying not to make waves. I've justified it by calling it kindness, peace keeping, or even self-sacrifice. Perhaps in truth, I sought to make myself look better by "rescuing" others with lies and half truths. It was never done maliciously, but it was still done, and it was done to soothe my own discomfort. If I am to look deep inside for my own "defects of character," this is what I find.

Mom used to write out the little acronym for Joy as "Jesus first, Others next, Yourself last." I took it to heart, but didn't understand that failing to look out for myself and take care of Martha would result in not being able to give the best of myself to anyone. Scripture admonishes us to"love others as you love yourself," implying not that we neglect to care for ourselves, but that we realize we are not more important than our neighbors. We are all created equal and equally loved by our Creator.

I failed to "guard my heart" (another scripture admonition) and ended up with deep wounds and lasting scars, but then again, Jesus has wounds and scars too. Wounds and scars are teachers. They are tender and tough, physical and spiritual. Visible reminders of lessons learned on this journey through life. I recently said, "Complete and total forgiveness comes hard." I was speaking of forgiving others, particularly those who have wounded me or those I love deeply, but it applies to forgiving myself too. If I continue to live in regret over past decisions, then I haven't granted myself true forgiveness, even though Jesus has...

The sun is shining a little brighter every day. The trees are farther apart than they were in the dark forest, and the path more visible. I might not know what is over the next hill or around the next bend, but I know I'm not alone. It's a beautiful journey, even on a dark day. I might not be there yet, but forgiveness is coming.