Sweet Honesty...

For as long as I can remember, it has been terribly difficult for me to be completely honest with others when I think my honesty will hurt them. The truth is, dishonesty always hurts someone. Sometimes that someone is the other person, but very often it is me.

I've cultivated the habit of smoothing things over, steadying the boat, and trying not to make waves. I've justified it by calling it kindness, peace keeping, or even self-sacrifice. Perhaps in truth, I sought to make myself look better by "rescuing" others with lies and half truths. It was never done maliciously, but it was still done, and it was done to soothe my own discomfort. If I am to look deep inside for my own "defects of character," this is what I find.

Mom used to write out the little acronym for Joy as "Jesus first, Others next, Yourself last." I took it to heart, but didn't understand that failing to look out for myself and take care of Martha would result in not being able to give the best of myself to anyone. Scripture admonishes us to"love others as you love yourself," implying not that we neglect to care for ourselves, but that we realize we are not more important than our neighbors. We are all created equal and equally loved by our Creator.

I failed to "guard my heart" (another scripture admonition) and ended up with deep wounds and lasting scars, but then again, Jesus has wounds and scars too. Wounds and scars are teachers. They are tender and tough, physical and spiritual. Visible reminders of lessons learned on this journey through life. I recently said, "Complete and total forgiveness comes hard." I was speaking of forgiving others, particularly those who have wounded me or those I love deeply, but it applies to forgiving myself too. If I continue to live in regret over past decisions, then I haven't granted myself true forgiveness, even though Jesus has...

The sun is shining a little brighter every day. The trees are farther apart than they were in the dark forest, and the path more visible. I might not know what is over the next hill or around the next bend, but I know I'm not alone. It's a beautiful journey, even on a dark day. I might not be there yet, but forgiveness is coming.