The Promise of Spring

Spring is gaining strength and winter is waning. Yesterday we had a few snowflakes in the air. This morning we had a fire drill and during the afternoon the children played outside in short sleeves. Tonight I am sitting at my little desk, once a wedding gift to my maternal grandparents, with the window open. The birds are singing their evening song and my heart is feeling peace.

Bible verse of the day, Psalm 126:5. They who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. I have to do a little more work on processing my hurt and anger from this week, but the pain is not overwhelming. I slept last night and tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor. I am grateful for the appointment because for some reason I was thinking I didn't have another until the end of the month. I actually said, "Praise God!" out loud when the reminder came in my email.    

It's been a week of sorting mind files, a going through the baggage kind of week, and this time things are beginning to make sense. Being asked to step out of a group to which I have dedicated 41 Monday evenings, June through April with only Labor day missing, was devastating, but it hasn't destroyed me. God has better plans for me. The healing He has in store is the kind I really want and need anyway., because He is the only one who knows my story from start to finish, and the only one who loves me wholly and completely.

I have not only been asked to step out of the group, but banished from it. I do not have the choice to return. I've been told I am "stuck," "not ready," and have not gone "deep enough" with my shared answers...But I am not stuck, because God doesn't leave his kids stuck. Instead He is using the seeming unkindness of people I loved and trusted, to get me over the hump. I was told I could start a new step study come September, but that is not likely to happen. Had the leaders been honest with the other members as to why I wasn't coming back, ... I might,...  maybe... consider it. But they were simply told I wasn't coming back, as if it had been my decision, and I think there is something inherently rotten about that. It's like I'm seeing a field of red flags waving at me, and tonight I am grateful for blank answers and an inability to write down what would normally flow naturally.

I am okay. Good even. I am learning to advocate for and take care of myself. I didn't need a rescuer to swoop in and fix it up for me, and that is progress. I've learned a major trigger point in my emotional baggage and God has lanced the wound deep in my heart. Healing has begun. Thank you for your prayers.