The Party

My cousins, a friend, and I rented a spot to set up a booth at the Naples Grape Festival. It was kind of like going to a big party. There were lots of people, tons of food, and so many things for sale. (We discovered food sells best.)

I didn't sell much, maybe one of my people, but it was a beautiful Saturday to be out with people I love. We could have stayed for Sunday's festival too, but the forecast called for rain all day long, so we made a last minute decision to pack it up. It turned out to be a good choice. It rained and rained. 

Exhaustion and dehydration took over sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I struggled with a headache all night long and a queasy stomach in the early morning hours. By 7:30 am I had decided I needed to pack up my things and go home. I'm thinking there was something in the Airbnb the didn't agree with my system. That combined with being tired and dehydrated made me sick. I couldn't even eat pretzels without my stomach turning. At 8 o'clock I climbed into my car and headed for home, stopping to sleep at a Thruway rest stop along the way.

I took today off to recover and sleep on the remainder of my headache. I learned several good lessons this weekend...

1. Don't go into a big weekend already thoroughly exhausted.

2. Stay hydrated even if it means using someone else's bathroom or a porta-potty .

3. Eat healthy. Always. (Carrots, mini cucumbers, nuts, water...)

4. Leave enough room next to your table full of wares for a chair, and talk to people who stop by.

5. Don't sell your heart for a song.

6. Take the following Monday off just because, not because you have to.

 

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. My son had a 45 minute slot to sing at the Festival and we were positioned close enough that it was just a short walk to get there. I am abundantly grateful and blessed.

Leaving Town

 I'm going away for the weekend. Leaving town for a few days. Meeting up with four childhood friends and one new friend. We're going to a party. A big party.

Oh, Now I Understand...

Those songs... The ones that stand out in my mind. There's a reason why, and a reason why we weren't supposed to listen to country music. (It was bad stuff.) He had never liked country music... except he had. That's why we knew the songs...

Colin Raye... I Think About You

Shania Twain... Looks Like We Made It

and Alan Jackson, who I listened to much later... Remember When

Three songs. One story. It's hard to sort the truth from the lies but the knots are coming untied one at a time.

The Perfect Weekend

 It's been a phenomenal weekend. Full of everything lovely.

On Saturday my friend Laura and I went to the Clothesline Art Festival. Sunshine and summer filled the sky. We wandered the booths, took in the sights, and enjoyed each other's company. There was so much to see that we didn't even see it all. Paintings, pottery, leather crafts, jewelry... Just anything you might think of. We bought meatballs from a food truck, downed two bottles of water each, and cooled ourselves down in the shade of large trees. My sister Priscilla was there somewhere with a cousin, but we didn't see them. We did find my friend Dan sharing a booth with another potter from the studio, and Andy (also from the pottery studio) in his booth. I bought just one item. A small mug from Andy.

It was early afternoon when we left the city. Laura was longing for cold water in which to soak her feet and we were also hungry. We headed toward Seabreeze and each got a cheeseburger at Don and Bob's. From there were visited the small strip of beach next to the Irondequoit Bay Outlet. We took some pillows and blanket out of her car and lay down in the shade for a while before heading down to the water. I was wearing my jeans (silly me!) but that didn't stop me from going into the water. The sandbar was heavenly!

After retrieving my car I stopped at Bethany's for a baby butterfly bush. By that time it was already evening, but I wasn't quite ready to go home, so I drove down Lake Rd to my favorite spot. Such a beautiful sunset! It was the perfect ending to a wonderful day.

Today's forecast turned from sunshine to rain, but that didn't stop us from going to the zoo. It simply served to thin the crowd that might have gathered otherwise. This too was a beautiful day, just a different kind from yesterday. I took a bazillion photographs!

Can You Hear Me Now?

 It's been an interesting week. Labor Day feels like forever ago...

I'm falling in love with my new babies, loving on those who miraculously turned into toddlers, and still stopping to hug any 3 and 4 year old friends who need some love and recognition. I choose my earring carefully each morning. This week they were ice cream cones (mint chocolate chip), chocolate chip cookies, pink gummy bears, and Cosmic brownies. I'm not sure anymore if they're looking for me or my earring collection. LOL!

Back to the interesting. I forgot to make my coffee on Thursday. Got ready for work, grabbed my things and ran out the door and realized when I was a mile or two up the road with no time to turn around. I am grateful for a Dunkin on the way. That afternoon I left my phone at work. Got another couple of miles down the road and had to turn around. After work I decided to pull some weeds and inadvertently tossed dirt into my own ear which wasn't discovered until later in the evening when I was down at the lake. 

Yesterday topped off the interesting week. I got written up at work. I told a friend got caught using. Using my phone. It wasn't my wonderful boss or one of my coworkers who caught me. It was the owner. (Insert eye roll...) The owner who in our Wednesday night staff meeting just mentioned how we are not allowed to use our phones during work. (Something about regulations...) Of course the two children in my care were not being ignored or neglected. I was sitting on the floor with them. But it was true. I'd looked at my phone. No excuses. I felt bad for the coworker who was told to write me up. She seemed genuinely sorry. I'm not going to be fired and they couldn't send me home. We're all adults and I decided not to let it ruin my day. It is what it is.

It's a Tought Job but Somebody's Gotta Do It.

Kitchen work was easier than being a baby teacher. I liked working in the kitchen. It wasn't so hard on my heart.

After spending the summer at home, today my little friend Hannah returned to the daycare. I saw her come in and hurried to say hello, but my time was cut short by a new baby coming in right behind her. Later, when I was given a chance to use the bathroom, I stopped to see how she was adjusting to the Waddler Room. We had just enough time and interaction for her memory to be stirred. Like her cousin Olivia last week, Hannah suddenly realized that I still loved and remembered her and she cried when I had to leave. Traitor is not too strong a word for what I feel. Ugh.

My Infant Room is filling up quickly. Today I had three, tomorrow I will be at capacity with four. The numbers will fluctuate depending on the day but four babies is the maximum for  one infant teacher. It was a day filled with snuggles and puke. On the babies, on the floor, and on me. I'm wearing it like a badge and wiping it off the best I can. Ha ha! These babies, at least so far, appear to be better sleepers than the former group. I'm taking the good along with the hard.

In other news, I'm still growing, learning, and letting go, although I'm not always entirely certain how to do all of that. It's the letting go/hanging on that cause me angst. I can do either one if I only know which one I'm supposed to be doing. Let's just say not all of my children and grandchildren appear to want a close relationship at this particular moment. They have their own lives and make their own choices, and that is okay. As much as it stings sometimes, I can give them that privilege. I can let go and entrust them to the One who knows all things. I am okay. They have returned before, they may return again...

The Rainy Day

Today was dark, dreary, and delicious. Deliciously rainy. There was no big family picnic. No games in the yard. No photo opportunities. I slept in because it was just that kind of morning. Dark and rainy combined with a day off. A beautiful rare occurrence.

Although there was no big family gathering, we did have one family come over for the afternoon. Nate brought three of his four and we cooked up some hot dogs on the stove, made a pot of macaroni and cheese, and warmed up a can of baked beans. When Sabrina picked up the kids and while Hannah and Sergio were out to the mall with Idris and Killian, Nate and I went down to Moe's and picked up some dinner. I didn't get my messy room clean but there are more important things in life than a tidy bedroom.

New Beginings and Last Hurrahs

The transitions are almost complete. Last year's little ones are settled into the "Waddler Room." I hate letting them go. They still arrive in the morning expecting to find me waiting for them. In all honesty, I feel a bit like a traitor though I haven't a say in the matter. This is how the Daycare Center works. I chanced to meet Mara and her mom coming in yesterday and was handed a card, a thank you for taking such good care of this sweet child. I wanted to cry.

Although I can't be with them all day, I will stop to say hello and wrap my arms around my girls as I can. Mara cries when she sees me. (Ugh. My heart hurts.)  She's so little. She has new teachers and loves being a big girl, but still wants Miss Martha. I could have moved up with them but along with the move would have come all the responsibilities of a full blown Toddler Room and I am not ready for that.

New Littles are filling my Infant Room. I welcomed twins on Monday. Girls. Five months old. Charlotte and Julia. On Tuesday I meet Ensley. She is eight months. Jack will come to play Wednesday and Thursday. 10 months. Leo will still come on Fridays. He just turned one. I will soon be attached to another group of little people and they will be looking for me too.

My friend Livie came for three days this past week. It didn't take long for her to cling to me when I had to leave the room. She's gone now too. She starts a new daycare center on Tuesday and her cousin Hannah will join our Waddler Room. It's hard to believe that a little less than a year ago I agreed to leave my kitchen to be in the Infant Room until "mid December" when my girls were 3, 4, 5, and 6 months old...

Oh my goodness! Where are the tissues?!

Sometimes

Sometimes life smacks me upside the head when I'm not paying attention. Sometimes I'm not paying attention because I'm tired and/or distracted. Ugh. Sometimes when I am tired and/or distracted I react instead of respond. Sometimes when I react instead of respond, I dig myself in deep enough that is really tough to get out of the hole.

On Saturday, in desperate attempt to fix a physical issue, I sought some help and advice. I believed I was going to the place recommended to me by a trusted friend. I bought the line, hook, bait and sinker, and agreed to pay a rather hefty chunk of change. There were a few red flags, but paid them little heed. It wasn't until I had returned home that the mistake was realized and by then it too late. There are no "backsies" on this deal. (I feel rather foolish...) Perhaps the product I purchased will help in spite of the error. I can only hope so.

Yesterday, in desperate attempt to fix an emotional issue, I reacted. There are no "backsies" on this either. Tensions were already running high. Tired, distracted, and frustrated by the unrelated issue of Saturday's fiasco, which is not an excuse for bad behavior, I said some things that were unnecessary and probably not totally kind, even if part of me wanted them to be... 

Being a grown up is hard.

Bits and Pieces

 More bits and pieces because I always run short on time to blog...

* It's my last week with Bennett and Mara. On Monday I leave the Waddler Room and go back to my Infant Room to begin the school year with new babies. Next week will be my last with Damien (I've had him for the summer) and a final week with sweet Olivia who will return for just the last week of August before beginning a new daycare. It's rather bittersweet.

* I've been doing some soul searching recently. Digging deep into my own heart and mind, untangling experiences and emotions, and attempting to settle a bit of angst. All is well and God is good whether life turns out the way we want it to or not. Somehow, even though it seems otherwise, He is still on the Throne.

* I'm tossing vacation possibilities about in my mind... Ocean City, Maryland and Maryville, Tennessee are two hopeful future vacation destinations. One had been on my bucket list for 44 years now. I'm sure Ocean City is completely different today than it was back when I was 14, and I won't be going with the blond haired, brown eyed boy who suggested it, but it's still on my list.

* I met my friend Gail for dinner this evening. She had chicken wings and I ordered a bacon cheeseburger. I got some kind of chicken sandwich instead... They were all apologies about the mix up and gave me my original order free of charge. I must go back again sometime in the near future. It was a nice little place and I really don't mind paying for a meal.

Big Kids

Last Friday afternoon, while my little ones were asleep, my boss poked her head in my Infant Room and asked if I wouldn't mind spending Monday in the "Waddler Room" with my three babies. I agreed, thinking she was simply asking Monday. In reality, she was asking for the entire week, and maybe the next couple. 

Although moving my babies to the next classroom has been expected and inevitable, my heart hasn't had time to prepare. Monday and Tuesday found me completely overwhelmed and out of sorts. I was thrown entirely off kilter. However, my babies have found the "big kid" room to be quite alluring. There are different toys, a big kid table and chairs, and they even go outside to the playground!

It's been quite the week. I am so proud of these three. M learned to wear her shoes and walk in them. She's been sitting at the table for her meals and sleeping on a cot! She hollers and squeals with delight when we go outside to play. She is going to do great as long as she can do it without me. (It hurts my heart when I have to leave and she cries...)

B has been fabulous too. She has already spent time in this class when we have had an extra baby in the Infant Rooms. She knows the drill and is very self confident.

D has been amazing! He will be 16 months old by the end of August, but he is tiny and doesn't walk just yet. In one week's time I have seem him grow by leaps and bounds. He's pulling himself up and very slowly taking steps along the furniture, occasionally sitting in a regular chair, and wanting a sippy cup instead of a bottle. Today he scooted himself all the way down the hill to the edge of the playground where he hoisted himself over the board edge and into the wood chips. He's going to be okay.

Maybe I'll be okay too...

Um... It's August...

So much for bring the blog back to life. It's not that nothing happens, it's just that I'm either too tired to write anything, or it's too nice out to be sitting in front of the computer. (Or I remember that I haven't finished that online course that I started... Still working, very slowly, on that Child Development Associate.) 

I've not yet had to report for Grand Jury Duty.I call the court again tomorrow evening to find out if anything has changed. Tonight I'm hoping to slide through without ever having to go in... I'm really tired now

And That's What's Goin' Down

It's one of those weeks where my heart is not at rest. I know the reason, but I haven't yet been able to completely quell the pangs of anxiety that occasionally swell in my chest. I'm not sure the arrows through my heart will ever disappear entirely, or if there is an absolute remedy for ache within. I am grateful for happy, relaxed days that now far outnumber the anxious achy ones that creep up unexpected at predictable times of the year. Better forward planning on my part could likely alleviate some of the angst. Perhaps next year I will remember...

It was a rough afternoon in the baby room. Summers days are not quite as predictable as those of the school year and our routines, if we happen to have any, get thrown into a tizzy. Scrambled routines and infants make for frazzled caregivers. I was more than ready to go home at 3:15 pm. 

Next week will find me playing a new game, which is not a game at all. It is often referred to as "civic duty." Yup, I got a jury summons. It's not the summons one typically thinks of. It is instead a grand jury summons. I'll find out what time to report when I call in next Monday. If I am seated my dates of service run through the month of August. Pretty much three days a week.

It is Hannah's birthday today. She's 27. I'm not sure how that happened because it seems I just posted about her being Sweet Sixteen (almost). Yesterday a few brothers came over and we enjoyed ice cream floats. Today we visited our favorite chiropractor in his new office, and then stopped at Wegmans to find a fancy dessert. I splurged on a cheesecake sampler. :0)

Behind the Times

 Florida, at least a portion, came to visit. Jim and Austin (Number 6) flew into town the morning of June 30. I took a few days off work to play.

Thursday, June 30- Jim and Austin arrived in Rochester at about 9 am, Just in time for coffee and a donut. Or maybe a breakfast sandwich. We had some fun playing mini golf that evening.

Friday, July 1- Orbaker's for lunch and some time at Sodus Point on the Beach. The lake was churning up some seaweed and although Austin didn't go in the water, some of the cousins did.

Saturday, July 2- Hannah and Sergio (with Idris and Kili), Bethany (with Jill and Henry), Jim and Austin (with me) packed a picnic lunch of peanut butter and jelly and headed for Watkins Glen State Park. We were lucky to get parking spots in the same lot (really lucky!). There were four tour buses full of tourists who filled the glen and made the experience unique. 

On the way home we stopped at a little cemetery to leave some flowers on the grave of a much loved friend, to remember him fondly, and shed some tears. He died as a child when my own were children 31 years ago. Much loved and forever missed.

Sunday, July 3- We stayed home, mostly. The guys went to a Red Wings baseball game in the evening. Hannah and I stayed home with Killian.

Monday, July 4- We collected some family, ate pulled pork and cole slaw sandwiches, salt potatoes, and pretzel salad. Later in the afternoon Jim took Austin to a cookout/fireworks display at Dave's house.

Tuesday, July 5- It was forecast to rain, and it did. Jim rearranged his itinerary and took Sabrina up on her offer to meet him at the Strong Museum of Play. Hannah and I stayed home to regroup. 

Wednesday, July 6- Seabreeze Day. A final outing at a longtime Rochester icon. I dropped Jim and Austin off at the gate around 11:30 am and went back home for Hannah, Idris, and Killian. The sky was overcast for a couple of hours, but it didn't rain and the sun eventually won the day. We each got to ride a few rides with and without kids, took turns sitting with those who couldn't or didn't want to ride, and enjoyed the experience. At about 5 pm I restarted the shuttle service and we went back home for a gathering of siblings and cousins with a campfire and s'mores.

I had hoped to get all of my seven in one picture. Everyone was in town, but it was looking like a gathering of all would not happen. (I'd begun taking pictures of myself and each of my kids individually instead...) I had six of my kids and 12 grandchildren in the backyard when Joe came walking through the garage. His coworkers let him take an hour off to be at the house with the rest of his brothers and sisters! Isn't that fabulous?!

What happened to June?

 * Dan never made it to Italy. There are some rules about passports not expiring within six months of returning home from certain countries. Since his expires before that time period elapses, he was not permitted to board his plane to Florence. No trans-Atlantic flight, no pottery class, no touring Tuscany. No surprise that he was disappointed, and that is an understatement.

* One of my children desperately needed a minivan. I knew this two months ago, but I also knew there was no way I could fix that problem. Three weeks ago a good friend asked if I could help with a ride to and from Carmax because she needed to sell her 2010 Dodge Journey. I was happy to help. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized what had just fallen into my lap. My son now has the vehicle he needs to transport his children. (Did you know God smiles?)

* Lead Infant Teacher has been my title for eight months now, almost nine. I've watched four sweet, little girls grow from little babies to almost toddlers. Every time I sat on the floor I was covered in children. I have hugged them for all this time and they are now loving on me as well. I said goodbye (for the summer) to two of them last week and was super blessed to have the final two crawlers show me how they could walk on our final week together. I've purposed not to think too hard on the goodbyes. I really don't want to cry.

* This past weekend found my friend Gail and me getting up early Saturday morning and driving through NY State to Pennsylvania and all the way to Ashtabula, Ohio. We checked into a very nice little Airbnb just southeast of Erie, PA before heading to the Ashtabula Beach Glass Festival where we perused all kinds of exciting booths filled with treasures. When we had looked to our hearts' content, we headed up to Lake Erie and combed the beach for tumbled treasures. I came away with a fabulous sunburn on the back of my calves and I learned to spray sunscreen there too.

* This will be a short work week for me. My Florida son and grandson are coming for a visit and I'm taking a week off to play. I'll be going to work tomorrow but I'm calling it "Friday." Here's hoping for some fabulous hometown adventures!

You've Got to be Kidding Me!

It's been an interesting few days. My daughter has had some interesting things happening, but I'll save that for another time...

Last night was Man Hater's Club (aka Pottery Night). One of my cousins works in the jewelry department of a local department store. She had an elderly customer and his intended come in this past week looking for some rings. Apparently he had a long and entertaining story which he proceeded to tell her, entertaing enough that she was relating it to us (myself and two of her sisters). It very quickly sounded all too familiar. I wish I could have seen the expression on my own face when I realized and told her I had heard this story before... My mind was still unraveling its meaning and making a determination as to whether I was imagining its familiarity. I honesty wish I had just kept quiet and listened to the entire story before commenting but it took me totally by surprise. I won't go into divulging all the information today. (It's supposed to be hush hush... ha ha!)

And then, I got a photo text from my friend Dan last night. He'd been to the opening exhibition for another studio member/artist in residence and bought a piece of pottery. Dan is going to Italy in the near future, taking a pottery class in Tuscany and feeling a bit unsettled at the timing. Although we've never done any kind of activity together, we banter back and forth about it sometimes. I told him he might decide he like it over there so much that he'll decide to stay, but that he has to come back because we haven't gone zip lining yet. "True," he said, "we could always zip line in Tuscany." My not having a ticket  could be fixed with "lots of money." LOL! This morning, as my mind was spinning with all kinds of crazy thoughts, I realized that "lots of money" would need to be followed up with a passport, and I don't have one of those. I've thought about it for years upon years, but never applied. (Where was I going to go?)

Almost every morning I check out my Facebook memories. Lo and behold, what should I find today but a status from June 4, 2010 that reads, "(Martha Teal) is ready for a vacation. Where's my passport?" Ha ha! That caught my attention, but what was really hilarious was the comment left by my sweet, oldest daughter. "Passport, passport!! Think of the endless possibilities! Sometimes it exciting just to think of where I COULD go with that little blue book! Maybe it'll be the Italian countryside next!!" Oh, the irony! I could almost hear God laughing... 

I think maybe I'll put "passport" back on my list of things to accomplish.

(Photos from my walk with my sister Rachel and my nephew Steve on Thursday evening.)

Man Haters Club

We don't really hate men, it's just what my cousin's husband calls our Friday night pottery group...

I missed Man Haters Club last week because I was out with Covid and this week's gathering was set to be cancelled due to a patio project at my cousin's house, but rain cancelled the patio project instead. I was selfishly relieved. It was a small gathering this week; three cousins, a friend, and myself. 

I've thrown a few bowls but feel pretty lost lately when it comes to the wheel. I've built a few boxes, fashioned a few figures, and more recently put together a few houses. I have to say, the houses are fun. I need to find and area to specialize in, so I can sell something particular, but I'm still working in that direction.

I've finally found a group that I feel a part of, although there's still that voice in the back of my head that wants to tell me, "They simply tolerate you..." Lies. Lies that have floated around in my head for longer than I can remember. I'm working on telling myself something different.

Two In One

One

My busy week was followed by a sick week. Went to the chiropractor again last Monday and came out feeling suddenly congested. Returned home from work on Tuesday and went right upstairs to bed. Thought I was fighting a sinus infection/allergies. Went to work Wednesday all the time wanting to pull over and go to sleep on the side of the road. Stayed the day even though I felt like I should have stayed home. Started coughing Wednesday evening... Tested positive. (insert eye roll.) Slept most of Thursday, was much better by Friday, went to the parade on Saturday where we sat socially distanced from other festival goers. Stayed home from church Sunday, returned to work masked on Monday. No clue where I picked it up. It doesn't really matter.

Two

I had a bit of a relapse this week and found my emotional balance a bit off. I was tired, teary, and feeling defeated. Identifying and calming emotional triggers is a continual process that typically has to do with home and family.

My elder daughter's mom in law passed away last week. She had been sick for years and her death did not take anyone by surprise. Still, the finality is jolting. There was a small, family graveside service this Monday. I wasn't given a time or invitation to that and that is okay. We were, however, invited to calling hours at my daughter's home from 3-6 pm on Monday afternoon. I had already been out of work due to illness on Thursday and Friday, and taking time off on Monday was not feasible anyway. 

It was 4:20 pm by the time I was able to stop and offer my hugs and condolences and I had a 5 pm appointment with the chiropractor again. The counter in Beth's kitchen was covered with partially eaten cakes and desserts. I had decided to take a cookie on my way out when a former church acquaintance offered, "Kathy made the cheesecake." Kathy. Sweet, beautiful Kathy... I took a piece of cheesecake with a large, red strawberry on top and went to my chiropractor appointment relieved not to have run into either Kathy or the Cabinetmaker, but the trigger had already been set and the emotional dominoes started to topple...

"Home." What is home and where is it? (I'd already been struggling with this question and had asked my friend Dan, "So is home a place or a feeling?" and he had later responded with a quote from e.e. cummings that "showed up in his newsfeed.") Once upon a time "Home" was on the farm with my kids and the Cabinetmaker. Even though life was far from perfect, there was a sense of belonging. I had no idea at the time just how far from perfect life actually was. It took me two years post disclosure, and a friend who said, "I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that the longer you wait the harder its going to be," for me to act on the boundary I knew had to be enforced. If I didn't have the strength and courage to take a stand on this one, I didn't have any strength or courage at all. I set a date and started to put things in order. It was agonizing. I moved away from everything that I loved. Later the Cabinetmake would say, "I've cost you everything you loved and held dear," and he was right. Nothing mattered more than taking that stand against the unthinkable. I had to do it. To leave it undone would have rendered me complicit.

So, I looked around at the place I had loved and called home for 16 years. I considered the man who I had decided to love 36 years prior, and wondered how I could ever explain any of it to anyone, much less my grandchildren who were too young to take in the truth, and when that Saturday in July came, I packed the necessities into the back of my Mazda5 and drove away while James stood sobbing in the driveway. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. harder by far than getting married, moving 2000 miles from home, and having a baby at 17 years old.

I came back to my childhood home, but the home of my childhood was no longer occupied by my parents. Instead it had become the home of my younger daughter and her family. It's been five years now since I moved into the little attic bedroom and although it feels so much more like home than it did when I first returned, the slowly healing heart still has moments when it aches and bleeds and longs to once again belong. 

(This showed up in my newsfeed as I was pondering the e.e cummings quote.)

Life Gets Busy Sometimes

It was a very busy week. Beside working I had something going on each and every evening along with Saturday morning...

Monday- Chiropractor appointment
Tuesday- Helped my cousin with an evening pottery class not far from my work.
Wednesday- Therapist
Thursday- Picked up a futon mattress at Sleep City and took to to my son's new apartment.
Friday- Songbird Man-Haters Club (LOL! Pottery night)
Saturday- morning first aid/CPR class to renew my certificate for work

This morning I went back to church for the first time in three weeks. I was sick one Sunday and last week I spent the morning with my friend Gail. 

I'm finding that life very often takes us full circle. When I was born my parents were attending the Rochester Christian Reformed Church. When I was a year or two old, they became founding members of a new branch of the Christian Reformed Church in Webster. We attended there until I was 15 years old. This past winter I was told by a extended family member how much she enjoyed the pastor at her church. I started listening online and had begun to consider visiting in person when my friend Laura posted a link to a sermon. It was just the encouragement I needed to visit the Rochester Christian Reformed Church. (Sunday's message)

After church Laura and I went out to lunch and then took a ride down to the lake before going to get an ice cream cone at Brewster's. The weekend is coming to a close and this coming week "should" be a little more relaxing.

Mother's Day

Many are the moments when I still find myself in disbelief at what has become of my family. Deep inside I know that it had been unraveling over the course of many years, I mean, I saw loose threads and frayed edges but I had no idea what was causing them. The fabric of our relationship had been damaged beyond repair, yet I kept trying to try the loose ends and patch holes. How was I to know the fabric itself was weak and rotted...

Another Mother's Day has come and gone. It was a beautiful day. Crisp and sunny. Cold and hot. I went out to breakfast with my friend Gail. The restaurant we intended to visit was overflowing, so we took a drive toward Williamson and each got a breakfast sandwich from a little donut shop on Route 104 before heading to her cottage on Lake Ontario. We spent the next few hours scouring the beach for bits of tumbled glass. We were not disappointed. It was a fabulous glass hunting day!

It was early afternoon when I headed back home. A few of my boys came over and we had a nice visit in the backyard before ordering a pizza. They packed a few pieces of furniture for one of them into the back of Ben's truck and headed out around 7 pm. I took Joe home to his apartment and returned home for a little bit of ice cream before heading upstairs. I had just climbed into bed when I heard a vehicle in the driveway and some voices. Soon I was being serenaded in song. "Happy Mother's Day to You..." It was Bethany and a few of my grands. So fun. I had a phone call from my faraway son in Florida. Only one of my children intentionally did not make contact. He's sending us a message. Or trying....

Forgiveness is a powerful tool and I used it many, many times. I used it when it was the right tool for the job, and I used it when I should have been using something much more powerful, but there was so much I didn't know... I can't go back and fix what was so very wrong. All I can do is make better choices today. One of those choices is to stand by the child who has decided to file a deposition against her dad. I stand firmly with her. Some thing are not okay and never will be okay. Today I have more information as to why we were disintegrating and I also have better information on how to respond. Forgiveness is still here, but it isn't the only tool in the box.

Expectation

 I feel like I am in an almost constant state of expectation, except I don't know what I'm waiting for...

 Waiting. Waiting to go home. Waiting for someone to come home. I don't know if this longing will ever disappear. I remember days in the past of laying in bed next to James and feeling a sense of calm connected-ness, of taking my morning coffee out on the back porch on warm, spring mornings when the apple trees were in blossom and feeling peace, of curling up on the couch close to the wood stove during blustery, winter snowstorms and feeling like I belonged. Our kids, at least some of them, were still living at home. I kept the house neat and clean, did the laundry, and made dinner each night. I knew, for the most part, what to expect. And then everything changed.

It's not as though I made a hasty decision, or didn't count the cost... I remember looking around my house, my eyes falling upon the belongings that made it feel like home, and I asked myself if I was willing to leave all of this behind... Of course, thinking about leaving everything and actually doing it are two different things. I had an idea of where I was going, but in reality one never knows exactly how long a journey will take or what will transpire along the way. I moved out of my home and away from James with much fear and uncertainty, and all the courage I could putt together. I did what I had to do, and if given the chance to do it all over again, even though I left a giant piece of me behind, I would do the same.

I recently told a friend that although there are so many things I can now do on my own, the thought of being totally alone forever is terrifying. He said, "See, you really have to not dwell on that. For the simple reason that you don't know what forever is gonna bring. So you look forward to the next thing, right? you look forward to Friday nights throwing pots, you look forward to going to the lake and communing with nature..." And he's right, although there are moments when I can't see through the clouds to what is coming and I feel a little lost in the woods. In spite of myself, he does have a way of helping me to see things from a better perspective.

As a child I thought life must be easy for adults but it's not. Sometimes we just aren't going home and the one we're waiting for isn't going to come home either.

Today

Today was better. Although it was definitely cold when I woke up, there was no snow on the ground and best of all, no frost on my windshield. It actually warmed up to some pleasant temperatures and the sun came out for the entire day. It was glorious! By the time I went to my therapist appointment this afternoon, I was feeling much more optimistic than yesterday, or even the entire month of April. 

We were short on babies today. Three of my four were absent and one from the second infant room was out as well. I spent the day in the the other room and took care of the four we did have. It was a good day, just a little different from the usual. Tomorrow I'm expecting three of my own and things should be almost back to normal.

My people have been gone this week, but I've managed to keep myself busy. I met my friend Gail for dinner on Monday, went to my sister's house last night, and stopped to see another friend on my way home tonight. By tomorrow evening everyone should be back home and in their own beds again. I think Pip, the cat, will be glad to see his boys. I will too.

Something Sharable

 Multiple attempts to write something sharable...

I heard recently that PTSD shuts down thinking your brain and your brain can actually change on a physical level. Writing is one thing that helps the traumatized brain to heal. So... yeah.

I am very much looking forward to warm, sunny weather and healing walks through the woods, evenings at the lake, and flowers. If gasoline doesn't get any more expensive, I'm looking forward to a drive somewhere, a vacation of some kind, but I don't know where.

This past week saw me attending two memorial services. I drove and hour and a half to find my friend Lorrie whose sweet mom "graduated" the previous weekend. Yesterday I drove to Williamson for the service remembering my friend Sandy's ex husband. I'm still processing the second... Last night was a birthday party for my little grandson Henry who turned two on April 13. I am still processing last night as well. Today was Easter. I planned to find my friend Laura at her church but ultimately ended up watching the live service online. Not a story to tell here. Suffice it to say there are many emotions coursing through my veins. I am a little exhausted. 

Long weekends are for catching up with life and getting extra sleep, but I think I do better with that waking up at 5 am and going to to work. Next time it will be a real vacation.

 

A Few Bits and Pieces

 * Last week was Cannoli Week. It started with me finding International Delight Vanilla Cannoli Creme Latte Creamer. (I bought two bottles.) My cousin Karen brought cannoli chips and dip to our Friday night potter group (also known as Man Haters Club), and on Saturday I had coffee with a friend and she offered me a mini cannoli. Voila! Cannoli Week!!!

* It was a Sandy Weekend. Friday night my cousin Sandy was at pottery. On Saturday I had coffee (and a mini cannoli) with my friend Sandi C. Sunday morning I sat with my friend Sandy R. at church. Last night (Monday) a few friends and I had dinner at Sandy P's house. Voila! Sandy Weekend!!!

* Three Strikes and You're Out! It was cute and funny once, but the third time is just downright annoying. The most convenient space to place the box of tissues is also the most inconvenient. I've purposed to make sure it is out of reach when the girls go down for a nap. Today was the third time my friend Bennett filled her crib with clean tissues. The first time I folded them and tucked them into a clean box. (Photo is from the first time.) The second time, feeling rather flustered, I threw them in the trash. Today I was not so very patient. I scolded her with several "no's!" as I grabbed the tissues that surrounded her. Ugh. She cried and I once again folded the clean tissues. They are now in a more convenient inconvenient spot.

* I've been feeling flustered and frustrated lately. Prayers would be appreciated. (Thank you so much.)