Expectation

 I feel like I am in an almost constant state of expectation, except I don't know what I'm waiting for...

 Waiting. Waiting to go home. Waiting for someone to come home. I don't know if this longing will ever disappear. I remember days in the past of laying in bed next to James and feeling a sense of calm connected-ness, of taking my morning coffee out on the back porch on warm, spring mornings when the apple trees were in blossom and feeling peace, of curling up on the couch close to the wood stove during blustery, winter snowstorms and feeling like I belonged. Our kids, at least some of them, were still living at home. I kept the house neat and clean, did the laundry, and made dinner each night. I knew, for the most part, what to expect. And then everything changed.

It's not as though I made a hasty decision, or didn't count the cost... I remember looking around my house, my eyes falling upon the belongings that made it feel like home, and I asked myself if I was willing to leave all of this behind... Of course, thinking about leaving everything and actually doing it are two different things. I had an idea of where I was going, but in reality one never knows exactly how long a journey will take or what will transpire along the way. I moved out of my home and away from James with much fear and uncertainty, and all the courage I could putt together. I did what I had to do, and if given the chance to do it all over again, even though I left a giant piece of me behind, I would do the same.

I recently told a friend that although there are so many things I can now do on my own, the thought of being totally alone forever is terrifying. He said, "See, you really have to not dwell on that. For the simple reason that you don't know what forever is gonna bring. So you look forward to the next thing, right? you look forward to Friday nights throwing pots, you look forward to going to the lake and communing with nature..." And he's right, although there are moments when I can't see through the clouds to what is coming and I feel a little lost in the woods. In spite of myself, he does have a way of helping me to see things from a better perspective.

As a child I thought life must be easy for adults but it's not. Sometimes we just aren't going home and the one we're waiting for isn't going to come home either.