Looking For Communion

Trying to do the right thing, even with little nudges and bits of encouragement from On High, is incredibly difficult. It's no wonder those with deep, dark, family secrets sweep them into a neat pile and hide them under a rug or in forgotten corner of a dark closet.

I know there are people who know me well and love me deeply, but those closest to me, the ones who know the secrets, are also hurting. They aren't the ones who can get me through this time, even though I desperately want to lean on them for support. Maybe they think I am okay because I've always been okay, except I haven't... It's just that I used to have their presence to keep me going.

The walls of the abyss are steep. I'm not at the bottom, but there are days when the top feels very far away and impossible to reach. At work I long for a carefree, outside with a friend kind of day, but on the weekends I find myself needing the love and attention of the little ones who ask for hugs, grab onto my legs, and inquire about lunch. Once those were my own little people, but today my own feel entirely out of reach. I have to be okay with them being grown up and having lives of their own, but I am still missing them.

I should have waited another five or ten minutes to come home from church. By then the car in the driveway would have been gone, and I wouldn't have had to see them going out again, just as I was coming in. I don't fault them, we're just on different schedules. Perhaps God has it designed that way for a reason... actually, I know He does, I just haven't figured out why.

Somewhere in my town, or close to it, is another grieving mom looking for a friend to spend a weekend with. She could even be one of my longtime friends, and we just haven't reconnected yet. The Cabinet Maker is lonely too. I know that. I honestly don't mind spending time with him, but we both need to feel emotionally safe when we do.

One day I'll have crossed this valley to the other side. Then I'll be grateful for the pain of the journey and the growth that comes with it. I know will be okay, even though there are moments in the valley when I doubt that truth. In a dark moment last night, this picture showed up on my Facebook newsfeed. A little reminder from the Father who loves me (and a friend who also struggles).