A Little Rambling

I haven't done a spectacular job of keeping up with writing. So much happens and doesn't get written. Sometimes I'm just too tired, and sometimes, by the end of the day, I can't even remember anything worthy of being recorded. And then there are the days when I am simply too overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

Florida, formerly known as Minnesota, came to visit a week and a half ago. When I should have been landing in Sanford, Sanford was arriving in western NY. To be honest, there was a conflict of emotions flooding through my mind. There was excitement as to their arrival, and disappointment in the cancellation of my own trip to Florida, as well as frustration at the piddly amount the airline gave me in the form of vouchers as a refund. The change of plans was not made flippantly and I agree wholeheartedly with the decision. (I'm finding it possible to be both in agreement and disappointed both at once.)

We had a houseful of people and more with visitors. I took Thursday and Friday off work and on Friday six adults took ten children to Rochester's Strong Museum of Play. It was probably the highlight of the visit. On Saturday there was a gathering in honor of my birthday. Ten grandchildren, four of my own kids, and three in laws. We found ourselves short staffed at work but my boss graciously allowed me to come into work at 10:30 am on Monday morning, giving me time to say goodbye to my son and his family before they made the long return journey south.

On Tuesday morning my sweet daughter dropped my cat off at the vet. I picked him up on my way home from work. He has made a complete recovery from his "minor surgery". Nothing like cutting it close to the six month mark for neutering a male cat. Thankfully, there were no incidents of spraying prior to him being fixed.

Between visiting family, a time change, and loss of sleep, I found myself extremely sleepy Wednesday night. I fell asleep early (9 pm) waking only once during the night, and then sleeping right through to being awakened by the sound of my phone ringing. It was Heather at work wondering if I was coming in. My alarm had been turned off and I was already 5 minutes late. I told her I would throw on some clothes and be there. I miraculously made it out of the house in a flash grabbing a lunch and my coffee on the way. I arrived at work just 43 minutes late. Not too bad for having a 25 minute drive.

Winter made a return this weekend. I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind. I'm in great need of sunshine and outdoor exercise and very much looking forward to warm weather and trips to the lake.

To Be Honest...

It was a good day in the Baby Room. Lots of tears, because they ARE babies, and lots of hugs, snuggles, mischief and giggles. They are a sweet bunch even if they don't like taking naps. Half an hour. That's about how long they sleep. I don't know how they do it. I could easily pass out for an hour or two. Ha ha!

Child Development Associate

My days at work have fallen into a somewhat steady routine, as steady as a routine can be with four children under a year old. Arrival, playtime, breakfast, diapers, bottles, nap. More diapers, lunch, bottles, playtime, nap. Diapers, bottles, snack, playtime, departure...Today I disassembled our bulletin board and redecorated. Took down our penguins, love bugs, and cardinals along with a stack of photos, and put up something new. Footprint bunnies, carrots, butterflies and flowers, and put up a new stack of photos. I've found an outlet for my photography even if I can't share much of it here. 

I won't be making a return to kitchen duties. The kitchen will soon be turned over to a former cook and I will be a permanent fixture as an Infant Teacher. Imagine that! The CDA is progressing. It might be slow but I have almost 3 more certificates under my belt. It is a good fit for me too. "My girls" are developing wonderfully. They're all mobile in one way or another and our straggler is ahead in language skills, which isn't surprising. I am already dreading the day when they move up to toddlers.

I'm coming up on a couple days off. I bought airline tickets to Florida back in January, but Florida (formerly known as Minnesota) is coming to New York instead. (That's a story I won't get into...) My babies will wonder what has happened to me and I will be enjoying my grandchildren. Perhaps a Florida trip in the not too distant future. I'm still hoping.

Oh, What a Beautiful Day!

I skipped church this morning and met a friend for breakfast. That is not my usual behavior. I hadn't a clue just how beautiful a morning it was going to be, although I was a little bit flustered by the restaurant staff who looked past me several times and then immediately noticed the guy who came in several minutes after me. I raised my hands in front of my body like "what's the deal here?" which suddenly got me noticed. Have I ever told you how often I feel completely invisible? She was all apologies, but honestly, there were three girls up there not one of them addressed me until I waved my hands. 

In spite of the restaurant staff to whose eyes I was invisible, it was a very nice day. Gail and I stopped out by her cottage to check out the lake and then went on up the road to Sodus Point where the beach was still cut off from the lake by a mound of thick, sand and rock encrusted ice. It was windy, but not at all cold. The temperatures reached about 75 degrees Fahrenheit this afternoon. A rare early March occurrence.

 From Sodus we headed back to Webster and another of our favorite glass hunting spots. The wind, which was driving in cooler temperatures, was really starting to pick up speed. they say wind speeds today matched the temperatures. The lake was playful and the waves fabulous. My hair whipped around my face and my cotton shirt flapped in the breeze.

Back at home I found the power was out and the house was empty. My shoes and pant legs, drenched by rogue waves, were feeling cold. I didn't feel like changing my clothes and since my car was warm, I climbed back in the driver's seat, leaned it back and took a nap. I woke up when I heard Hannah pull in the driveway with the boys who had enjoyed a nice splash session in some puddles at another park.

Feeling Accomplished

I earned a certificate today. Dug in my heels and stayed the course until it was finished and I have a certificate to prove it. I have not a clue how many certificates I need to produce in the next year, but everyone has to start at the beginning. I have earned two so far. 

We finally had a Saturday where the windchill didn't suck the breath right out of the lungs. I didn't need my expensive gloves down by the lake this afternoon, just a hat and my thin knit gloves. I took a few pictures and decided not to become a casualty of the ice and trudged back up the hill to my car and came home. (Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow.)

I'm meeting a friend for breakfast tomorrow, my friend Gail. We don't connect near as much during the cold winter months as we do in summer and fall. It will be nice to catch up again. It's been a few weeks since we went out to dinner. I think Mama Lor's is becoming one of our favorite meeting spots.

Lots of family drama. Prayers are appreciated. God knows everything. 

Bits and Pieces

* I got to thinking this afternoon and decided to attempt a resurrection. Of this blog. It's been undergoing a struggle the past few years, but I'm pretty sure with a bit of TLC it can be revived.

* There is so much for which to be grateful. I've often posted here when I was feeling down, but the truth is I'm really doing very well. The good days far outweigh the bad. I am actually loving myself and enjoying life. I rarely wonder who I am or where I am going to end up and I know The One who watches over me. He hasn't failed me yet. (I must remember not to post when I am tired. Honesty is good, life is not perfect, but God is still good.)

* My babies, my work babies, are growing up. When I started this Baby Room job back in October, the task felt daunting. The babies we 3, 4, 5, and 6 months old. I psyched myself up for the couple of months ahead, set my mind, and plunged forward. I fully expected, at the beginning, to be back in the daycare kitchen by Christmas. Silly me. It's been 5 months now. My girls are now 7, 8, 9, and 10 months old. In two weeks they will be 8, 9, 10, and 11 months. I think I'm in the Infant Room for the long haul, and that's okay. I actually like it most of the time. Ha ha!

* It is late and I am tired. Tired makes it hard for me to remember what happened during the day, and not remembering what happened makes posting a challenge. I have a plan to overcome that. And while I can remember...

* Overheard in the hallway this week while the two year old children were going outside, "Rocky the Bear? That's Winnie the Pooh." (Meet Rocky. He's been on the blog before. Do you think he looks at all like Pooh Bear?)

* And yesterday... I can't show her face, but I can show you what she did. The box of tissues was full. Ha ha! I almost didn't think to take a photograph. While she went to sleep I folded the tissues back up and put them into an empty tissue box. No sense throwing them all out. they were clean!

Changing Times

 It's almost 10 pm. and I need to go to sleep, but here I am checking in with all of you. (Whoever you are...) My starting time at work has changed and I'm now opening the infant room which requires me to be there by 6:30 am. Yes, it's early, but I've done this before and it has the added benefit of getting out of work an hour earlier too. I'm attempting to go to sleep earlier... We'll see how that goes.

Yesterday I signed up to take the class that will eventually earn me a Child Development Accreditation. I have up to a year to finish the course and take the test, but I'm already working in a position that requires the certificate. I'm not holding my breath at getting back into the daycare kitchen and after four months of baby room practice I'm in a new groove. I like this too and I love my girls. They're pretty great aside from nap time. Ha ha!

Little Feet

 My weeks are spent in the baby room. It's been a full three and half months now. I'm not sure if this a permanent placement or if one day they'll surprise me and send me back to the kitchen. 

The girls are attached to me now and leaving them would be hard on all of us. The older two (8 and 9 months) already cry when "strangers" come into the room. They all sit up independently, and two are crawling hands and knees. We've gone from strictly bottle feedings to pureed baby food. My 9 month old is almost ready for table food. It a beautiful, exhausting job.

It's winter and Valentines Day is the next big celebration so I've been redecorating the Infant Art Board. This means I paint the bottoms of their feet and then make the art. Then I call it theirs. Ha ha! I accidentally put Hannah's footprint on the paper upside down. Oops! Oh, well, I fixed it so it's all good.

Learning to Laugh at Myself

Did I happen to mention how I failed all the security measures at the airport on my home from Florida? I left a roll of dollar bills in my right from jeans pocket that showed up on the body scanner and because of that $23.00 I was subjected to a basic pat down. (They never inquired as to what I was sneaking through security.) Not only did I acquire a free pat down, but I was blessed with a "random" hand swab as well. I failed, and this failure earned me a second and more thorough pat down as well as a search of my belongings. "Would you like to go somewhere private?" asked the TSA agent. I wanted to laugh, but I  refrained. "No," I replied, and did not add, "whatever you need to do you can do in front of the entire airport," although I highly doubt anyone was interested in hanging around to watch. 

I probably don't need to tell you they found neither drugs nor explosives. The rest of the trip went by without incident, but back home I got really curious what in the world they could possibly have detected on my hands. I didn't have to dig deep. It had to have been glycerin. Used to make explosives, also used in oils and hand lotions. Just that morning I'd been curious about my grandson's cleansing oil and put a drop or two in my hand. I thought I was being sneaky. Guess not.

Yesterday I put my sweater on in the dark and wore it to work inside out. It's a navy and white, button up sweater with a winter pattern. I wore it for two hours before realizing my blunder. In the early morning dark of my bedroom I'd simply pulled it on over my head, never realizing I'd hung it up inside out. I don't know it anyone at work noticed before me. If they did, they certainly didn't let on. Ha ha! Good thing I can find the humor in being human. (It is funny, isn't it?) It's not near as hilarious as a wardrobe foible I had several years back. LOL!

Work was interesting this week. All of my babies were out Monday through Wednesday due to an "exposure." I went in when we opened and at 9 o'clock headed for the kitchen and did my old job for three days. At 12:30 pm I was free to go home. It was like an extended vacation after my three days off last week. Today we were back to "normal" (whatever that is) and I was back in the Infant Room with my four babies. What a crazy little bunch they are!

Marilyn, I'm sad that you haven't been able to leave comments. People have told me this in the past and yet I am set to accept all comments including those which are anonymous. I'm not sure how to fix this. Please keep trying or maybe set up a google account?

Pie and Pottery

Last Saturday, when I was home hobbling around on the ankle I'd rolled coming down the stairs on Friday, I found a bag of frozen elderberries in the freezer. Since I wasn't about to go out running around on a sore ankle, and the kitchen was clean, I decided to make a pie. It turned out beautiful! Perfect even, if you are a fan of Elderberry Pie. Which a few of us are. Well, two of us anyway...

I have a friend who loves elderberry pie very much and since it can be somewhat rare, I sent him a text to see if he was interested in a piece, since I had one with his name on it. Of course he was, it was catching up with him that was proving a challenge.
 

On Sunday evening I put two good sized slices of pie into a plastic box. I took it to work with me on Monday morning when it was really cold outside. On Monday evening, when Hannah and I visited the chiropractor's office, I asked my friend if he still wanted some pie. And did he still want to stop by and pick it up, or did he want the two pieces I had out in my car? He decided on the ones in my car. ha ha! I got a text later saying it was "the best supper ever!"

This morning he stopped by with something for me. A fluted pie plate/dish that he made at the pottery studio! Isn't that fabulous? I love it. And now I have this inner desire to fill it with Italian Cookies, probably because I didn't bake or eat any fancy Christmas cookies this year. It would also make a fantastic ice cream dish. I think it would be perfect for Fudge Ripple... :0)

Well That Stinks!

 Last Friday I felt a little bit of a tickle deep in my throat. I wasn't really coughing much at all, just feeling it now and again. My grandkids had been recovering from a cough while I was in Florida, nothing serious, just a cough, so I didn't think too much of it. I did, however, make sure to keep my mask up over my nose at work. 

Saturday came and went. Saturday evening I decided to do a test, just to be sure. Negative. Phew! Sunday morning I stayed home from church because I thought I should play it safe. I felt fine, just had that little bit of a tickle. Monday morning I went to work. Kept the mask on and made it through the day without incident, but found myself needing to clear my throat a little more often. I had no fever, no body aches, no sore throat, no fatigue.

Late Monday evening my nose started to prickle, almost like when you get water up your nose in a pool. It was slightly concerning but I've never had good luck calling into work and my test had been negative. I went to work Tuesday morning feeling okay. I had a sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich on the way and drank my coffee soon after arrival. It wasn't until my early morning potty break that I began to be concerned.

Sam mentioned something about one of the babies having a blowout. "It's probably Mara," I said, "I'll change her when I get back." There was a comment on my return about her having stunk up the whole room. I popped her up on the changing table and sure enough, she had pooped. There was a good amount there, but I wasn't smelling a thing. I held the open diaper closer to my face and sniffed, hoping no one would see me. Nothing. I smelled nothing. I smelled nothing when I changed the second soiled diaper. Now I was really concerned, but I still felt pretty much okay aside from a nose that was a little prickly.

I mentioned something to my boss who said maybe I should make an appointment for a test. When I got home later, I did a second test. It was negative too. Still uneasy, I called Urgent Care and they agreed to test me again. There was a long line of people waiting inside so I gave them my information and went to wait in my car. When my turn came they called me in, looked me over, asked a few questions, and stuck the swab up my nose. The result? Negative. 

I called my boss and told her the tests had all come back negative. She said she had me covered for Wednesday of I wanted to stay home so I took her up on it. It was a good call. On Wednesday I did not feel so great. Stuffy face and ears, stiff neck, diminished taste, and loss of smell along with a cough that threatened to go deep. Early yesterday afternoon I sent her a text and told her I hated to do it, but had decided to stay home for the rest of the week. 

I felt a bit stuffy this morning but the stiff neck is gone and my face isn't hurting. Maybe the vaccine I got back in August helped, or maybe it's the vitamin regimen along with the Musinex I've been taking. Maybe it isn't the dreaded virus at all and the negative tests were accurate. Either way I'm feeling pretty good today. I still have the cough and a runny nose, but I'm not feeling the level of concern that I had yesterday. I could smell the peanut butter this morning, my deodorant is scented, and my sense of taste has returned. 

I still plan to stay home tomorrow and lay low for the weekend, just to be safe.

There and Back Again

Last Friday, Christmas Eve, I got on a plane and flew to Florida. Two new things; flying on Christmas Eve, and being away from home on Christmas.

Tensions were running high here at home before I left. I had gotten out of work early (10:30 am.) and there was a layer of wet sticky snow on the ground. Mid afternoon Sergio suggested we go for a walk. While I pushed the stroller carrying Killian in his snowsuit, Hannah, Sergio and Idris had a snowball fight. At 5:30 pm. Hannah dropped me and my suitcase off at the airport.

On Christmas morning I frightened one small boy who peeked in my bedroom door by saying "Good morning!" He hadn't expected a "strange" woman to be sleeping in Dad's office and burst into tears. Thankfully, I was able to calm his fears by picking him up and talking to him. It was a beautiful Christmas morning with matching pajamas, a fancy breakfast, and lots of presents followed by a trip to visit the other grandparents where there were more presents. Lots more presents.

On Sunday we went to look for the manatees, but the weather was warm and sunny and the manatees were not hanging out in their winter hot spot. Even so it was a wonderful outing. On Monday we walked about the city, stopped at the playground, looked at the lake, and ate lunch in a Mexican restaurant. Tuesday morning was spent at home and before I knew it the time had come for me to go home. I was feeling a little more emotional than expected.

I didn't get to the beach and I didn't find any long lost friends. I'm still hoping for that on my next Florida trip and reminding myself that this wasn't really a vacation. It was a trip to visit my son and his family for Christmas and it was beautiful. (I think I like Florida.)

PS. That's an alligator swimming in the lake.

Last Minute Posting

I fully intended to post something tonight, but I dropped the ball and now I desperately need to turn off the light and go to sleep because I have to get up at 5 am and go to work tomorrow. Yes, it is Christmas Eve, but a piddly, few children still show up at the daycare and so, much to our chagrin, it remains open. We are expecting two babies tomorrow and I am in charge of both. 

The daycare closes early tomorrow afternoon. At least there's that. I get out at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. In time to go home and be at the airport in Rochester by about 5:30 pm to catch a flight out around 7:45. On Christmas Eve. I'm leaving my computer home this trip, but still hoping to locate my misplaced favorite camera lens before my departure. (Thankfully, God knows where it is. I'm hoping he lets me in on the secret.)

The bag is packed, I'm ready to go.

It's Almost Christmas

 I looked through my Facebook memories this evening. Photograph after photograph of days gone by... The Naughties batting at Christmas ornaments, snow-covered apple trees, grandchildren and gingerbread houses, and The Cabinetmaker. Everything I loved with all of my heart; my home and my family. The only thing I ever really wanted. My treasures...

The ache, softened only slightly by time, returned once again... I could delete the blog. I could erase the photographs. I could refuse to look. Instead I go back time and time again. Sometimes the memories bring a smile. Sometimes I laugh out loud. Other times a lump grows in my throat and tears spill down my cheeks.

Holidays are emotional. Rather than softening the blow of family secrets revealed, time has made impossible sitting in the same place and pretending everything is fine. Everything is not fine, no matter how much my heart and mind want it so. Everything is not okay.

In the past two months, two of my children have blamed me for not protecting them from the abuse they suffered as children, but the truth is that I did the very best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time. I read recently that "abuse doesn't necessarily start out in a very obvious way; it creeps in slowly like a poisonous gas. The more you breathe the gas, the less clear your thoughts become. By the time things start happening that a sane person would easily recognize as abuse, it's generally too late- you are no longer quite 'sane.' Your sense of what has happened has become completely distorted by exhausting mental games and emotional torment." Early on I knew a very real and present danger existed, but somewhere along the way, as I breathed in the "gas," I lost focus. Even now my mind wants to rationalize and deny.

I sent out the apology letter I'd been contemplating weeks before the first child approached me. Seven identical letters sent privately to each of my children. I heard back from six. The seventh has seen it but not responded and this was not one of the two who had voiced blame. Abuse is a complicated poison with the perpetrator often being forgiven for offenses committed while the "non-offending" parent is left holding the blame. I've been told kids are smart and they will figure it out eventually. Maybe. But they've been breathing the gas all their lives. If it's been so very hard for me, how much harder it must be for them...

It's Been Two Weeks

Two weeks between posts. There's sure to be something left out that I'll one day wish I'd put in, but today I'm not sure what that will be...

* Second counseling session with my son went better than the first which was two weeks prior. I'll just say I wasn't as mentally prepared for the first as I may have been for the second. Being a mom is hard some days.

* We celebrated Thanksgiving last Sunday with a dash of Covid. Several family members are ill but none seriously. Not everyone contracted the illness in the same place as not everyone was here on Sunday. Most family members are not vaccinated. (It's still their choice.) I have tested negative and am free to travel about as long as I don't test positive or develop symptoms. Being vaccinated does have its perks for the moment, but nothing makes sense and everything is weird.

* It is not totally possible to avoid my family members in a tiny ranch with no basement. We share a galley kitchen and one small bathroom. When I first moved here four years ago, I self isolated in my attic bedroom. It's still a nice place to retreat, but it's lonely and socially unhealthy. However, we are formulating a plan because three weeks is a very long time for a small child to be kept home from school. (He tested negative.)

* I finally dragged my tiny Christmas tree out of the attic yesterday. I am way late setting it up. It is a bright and cheery spot in my little bedroom.

The Days are Just Packed

It was a good week, a busy week, and an emotional week. My grandson helped remove the license plate from the back of my old car Tuesday evening. I think he used a grinder to take the rusted heads off the screws. I drove home without any plates on my car... Picked up my new ride Wednesday evening. Love it! I am now officially an adult.

Minnesota made the long drive to Florida this week. They were sick, homeless, and stressed out but they made it safely. I was blessed to be updated by my sweet son along the way. God knows I whispered many prayers for them along the way. I suppose at some point they will become "Florida" instead of "Minnesota", but not yet. I need to give that some time.

Yesterday afternoon I went to watch a movie with two friends. We drove to the opposite side of Rochester to see "The Most Reluctant Convert: The Untold Story of CS Lewis. Loved it. Very thought provoking and relevant to things I've been pondering. I went with no expectations, which turned out to be good because I was not at all disappointed. Maybe I'll even go see it again.

 My friends and I went out to eat following the movie. There was a Jeremiah's Tavern just across the street and it was perfect. I jumped outside of my usual box and ordered the Chicken and Biscuits which was loaded up with carrots, celery, and onions. Comfort food. Just what I needed.

On the way home Chris and I stopped at the pottery studio to pick up my pieces from my last class. There should have been seven, but I could only find six. I'm still missing a red one and will have to go back and look again another time.

This morning I chanced to meet an old friend at church. She'd been invited to sit with us by another friend who didn't realize we were already acquainted. This friend and I talked for quite a while after the service, sharing hearts, praying together, and finally walking out to the parking lot where we stood in a brisk wind and talked a little more. I told her I'd bought a new-to-me-car and how God always takes care of me, but when I pushed the button on my key and the lights on my new car flashed, she looked surprised. "Is that your new car?" she asked. Turns out she has the same make and model in the same color! "We're twins!" I told her. ha ha! God really does have a sense of humor.

Bits and Pieces

* It's been a stressful week. By week I mean since my last post.

* Wednesday. I met one of my kids at the therapist's office. Absolutely overwhelming. It took a few days to process all the emotions and settle my heart and soul.

* It's hard to process thoughts while tending to 3 or 4 babies all day long, but they are good therapy. I miss the other kids, but catch them when I have opportunity. I still get lots of smiles and hugs.

* I went car shopping on Saturday. A friend offered to go along and we actually had fun. I even bought a car. I'm a real grownup now. (I think.)

* On Sunday, after church (Yes, I actually got there this Sunday!) my sister Rachel and I went for a long walk through the woods, around the Webster Recreational Center, and back again. Later I made some chicken noodle soup, and took Idris down to the lake for a little while. It was a nice weekend.

* Yesterday I was stressed at work. Lots on my mind 

* My Minnesota family is struggling. They're moving to Florida, closing on their house, and dealing with sickness, movers, and lots of unknowns. It's so hard when all I can do is pray. It's not nothing, but sometimes it feels like nothing... They start the long drive tomorrow. Please pray for health and safety, for peace and rest, and for the transition to a completely new environment. And thank you. This mom appreciates it ever so much.

The Car Saga

My car is still at the shop. It appears to need a new catalytic converter. The parts on either side have already been replaced... It's the converter itself that is pricey and he's had no luck locating an aftermarket part. There are aftermarket brands but nobody can get one. The only choice appears to be ordering from the dealer. It will take about four days to get here and cost two grand. And that's just the part. *Ouch!* Thankfully, I do know how to save money. I just never get to keep it.

I still have to give my mechanic an answer on whether to order the part and do the work...

I'm Okay

Not working in the daycare kitchen created a strange surprise yesterday. I was walking through the store when I came upon a Campbell's Soup display. There on the shelf was the elusive Campbell's Chicken Gumbo Soup. My mom had a recipe for making Sloppy Joe's with just the thing, so I bought two cans of soup, a package of hamburger rolls, and a couple pounds of ground beef. Maybe this cooking break at work will work to Hannah's advantage.

I woke up feeling ill this morning. Headache. Queasy stomach. (Probably from the headache.) I went downstairs for a cup of tea and something to tame the headache, listened to church online, and went back to sleep for half an hour or so. When I next awoke the headache had dissipated and I found functioning possible.

My car goes into the shop Tuesday. I'm borrowing a car from my cousin for the next couple of days and hoping my own will be back to feeling like herself again soon. *fingers crossed* 

I took my cousin's car for a ride down to the lake this afternoon so that I wouldn't be driving it for the first time tomorrow morning. Our glass hunting sandbar is pretty much gone. The rains from last week's nor'easter washed it out into the lake and opened the creek to brown trout, steelheads, and salmon. Good for both fish (maybe) and fishermen. I snagged a few pieces of glass from what used to be the sandbar and snapped a few pictures. 

Down toward the road and on the opposite side of the creek from the parking lot I found a woman fishing. "I know you," she said, and I answered, "You do?" She asked if I used to homeschool and then told me her kid's names. Nothing was familiar at all except her eyes and her voice. "What's your name?" I asked her, and that was when I knew that we didn't know each other from homeschooling at all. It was CoDA. We chatted for a bit, then she went back to her fishing and I went to Target.

It's Halloween night. When I was a little girl the streets of this small neighborhood were filled the costumed children, but in recent years the crowd has been pretty thin. Even so I bought a couple bags of candy this afternoon, just in case. It's 6:20pm and I've had three children come by so far. I'm here by myself so it's kind of nice having a little company, even if they don't stay more than 20 seconds. 

Oh, yeah. Yesterday afternoon I cleaned off my shelf at the pottery studio. I'm just throwing money away (or making a huge donation) by keeping it. I never go outside of taking a class, so there's really no reason to keep it. I'm feeling a peace about it this time that I didn't have at the beginning of the year. I still love playing in the mud, but I'm thinking it's going to go in a new direction. Stay tuned to find out, along with me, what that means.

Some Days I'm Okay

Some days I am fabulous. Some days I am okay. And some days I am neither fabulous nor okay. And that is okay.

I started the day fine, fabulous even, but this evening I am finishing up a tad less than okay. Twelve days behind me and I am itching like crazy. Perhaps there is an unknown requirement to have scratched absolutely every place on my body before the torture has passed. This evening I remarked how my arm pits hadn't been itchy yet... Well, we can check that off now too. I'm drinking Nettle Leaf Tea in the hope that it will relieve some of the discomfort. I slept last night without taking anything else. Of course I scratched vigorously during the night, but I slept too.

My car is unhappy. Tired and sluggish. I need to take her into the shop again... She doesn't like climbing hills or switching into the higher gear. I fear the mechanic's diagnosis and I haven't even called him yet. *sigh*

The back half of the garage roof is leaking. There was a discussion about roofing it when we did the rest of the house but it was thought unnecessary. Where do I find someone to roof half a garage? I can't even find someone to change out a sliding glass door... And how do I pay for it when I need to fix my car?

I am perfectly happy being single. Most of the time. This year has found me the most settled. It's been a really good year. Even with everything good and wonderful, the ache inside still surfaces and the wounds still bleed. Some days I still can't believe I actually moved out of the house I loved so much and away from the farm that was my home, that I left behind the boy I'd married, the father of our children and the man I loved in spite of the abuse...

One of Mom's favorite sayings was "God hates divorce." It was drilled into my heart and soul, deep into my very being. She never bothered to tell me that God hated abuse even more, or that abuse wasn't always broken bones and visible bruises. I saw mean, cruel, confusing, and even volatile. I saw a man who mistreated our children in order to control me, but nobody I asked for help saw. They saw a wife who needed to submit more, and pray more. They saw a husband who was being "undermined," not a family in peril. And my mom? Well there were some things she did try to tell me... "I always knew he was a predator type..." she'd said, and I thought she was referring to me as the prey. I didn't understand what she was saying and I held the telephone away from my ear... In the end I had to draw a line and it almost killed me in the process. On the outside I tried to smile, but on the inside I was a broken mess. 

There are still days I ache but the days of hope now far outnumber the achy, bleeding days. In another week or two the intense itching should dissipate and disappear, and I'll be free of my dependence on antihistamines. In the morning I'll call the mechanic and see if he has any advice. Eventually I'll find someone to help me slap some shingles on the back half of the garage. And, I'm going to keep loving the life I have, the one full of babies and little people, fantastic and inexpensive vacations, and little trips to the lake or woods with my camera. It's really a wonderful life.