Always Good. He is Always Good

I'm not always sure what triggers the tears, or why some days the ache is stronger and deeper. The truth is there are days that go merrily along, and there are days when the gaping hole inside is nagging and raw. Friends have told me the ache will never completely disappear, because deep love leaves deep pain.

Without going into detail, I'll let it be known that I pushed the divorce through. It was incredibly difficult, impossible, and agonizing. I dragged out for two years what could have taken a couple of months. There were no lawyers involved, just a mediator who took us through the process of getting the paperwork ready for the judge, and then submitting the documents. I asked God over and over what to do... To some it would be a no-brainer, but that was not true for me. Every time He answered I questioned Him again.

The Cabinetmaker begged and pleaded, and in any other circumstance I would have stayed, but it isn't my inability or unwillingness to forgive. More than anything I would like to sweep everything away, ignore the immensity, pretend it never was, and sink into denial... but I can't. I can forgive, but I can't sweep it all away, even though I want to.
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I was approached by an acquaintance not long after I moved out a little over two years ago. She didn't ask what happened or if I was okay. Instead she asked me to check my heart and see if perhaps I was being selfish... She meant well. She couldn't see the agony of my soul. She didn't know me well enough.

The ache won't keep me awake tonight, and tomorrow is a new day. There will be smiles and hugs from the babies and little ones, and I will be okay. I will be more than okay because there is so much for which to be grateful. God is still good and He is still in control. I don't know what the future holds. Perhaps there are unexpected surprises in store. Perhaps that surprise is simply the grace of God carrying me through, giving me strength and providing for all my needs. Maybe it is something bigger than I could ever imagine. Whatever comes, I know He is good. He is always good.