"Give Me Your Tired..."

It is curious what comments are generated simply posting a photo meme.

It's not the first time I've wondered at the plaque which adorns the Statue of Liberty, the words that have given (false) hope to so many looking for safety and freedom. Simply posting the words brought the comment, "We are a country of immigrants, but we also are a country of law and order!"

"We really don't want the huddled masses coming here, and we don't have the space or resources for the homeless, tempest tossed. We should probably get rid of the statue, or at least the plaque. It really sends the wrong idea," I told her. 

And she answered with, "i see your point!"

The truth is we are not asking that no one be vetted, or that we allow scores of uncounted people, including criminals, to stream over our borders, but we are asking for a bit of love and kindness for those who have been here since they were children, those whose entire family is here, those whose children are US citizens, and those who desperately need our love and protection. Either we welcome them or we stop sending them false hope.

Wecome to Dunkin

Work is going good. (Who knew coffee could be so complicated? LOL!) As much as there is to learn, it's just coffee and I can go home without feeling overwhelmed. Customers sometimes get mad when they have to wait a few minutes longer than expected, when we have run out of what they ordered, or when we mess up and get it wrong, but at the end of the day I don't have to worry about it. Getting up at 4:15am, taking a shower before climbing into bed, and staying awake long enough to keep up with my friends and family are the biggest struggles. I'm adjusting and all is well.

Afternoon "dance parties" are what I love best at work. The lines slow down between 11am and and 1pm and the mood is light. Jess brings her speaker, turns on some country music and provides us a bit of much needed entertainment. I go home smiling.

I'm going gluten free again. No donuts for Martha. It's been a week and my tummy is feeling softer and less bloated. I'm shooting for 4 weeks to see if it makes a significant difference. (That was an old photograph. And yes, glazed donuts are a favorite.)

In other news, woods walks are the best. 

What the Hell is Happening?

There are so many things I could say... and so many I either shouldn't or don't have permission to share. 

I took a drive down to the lake last Wednesday, picked at rocks along the shore, walked a short way, and sat down on a bench to watch the fishermen along the shore and to gaze at the sky. My heart is broken for our country... How is it that so many people who claim the name of Christ have become so very unlike Him? In the name of "saving babies" the church has discarded entire groups of people, declaring them unworthy, willing for them to be rounded up as cattle and shipped away. Those who prayed for the immigration success of my son in law have now voted against those just like him.

It is easy to write off foreigners when we have not rubbed elbows with them, eaten with them, or taken a moment to slip their shoes onto our feet. But when we literally link arms, sing and laugh together, share hugs and tears and family members, the world becomes a much smaller place and the the stranger is no longer alien. I realize there is an immigration problem, but I also know there is a better solution. A cup of cold water, a warm jacket, and a safe place to lay a pillow is a good place to start. 

It isn't enough to be deeply concerned for my neighbors, but my heart is also deeply troubled for the church I once loved and thought I knew... The platitudes are nauseating in the face of what is at risk. The mask has fallen off and underneath are the ugly, selfish hearts of the Pharisees.

Life is Good

Peace. Peace within.

Nine years ago my heart and soul were in anguish. Seven years ago my heart was broken to pieces. Five years ago I couldn't imagine what healing might look like or how it could ever come true. I had been totally devastated... but not completely destroyed. I held onto the belief that I could be happy again, that my heart would heal, that life would be good. And it is.

There have been a myriad of battles along the way, lots of tears and heart-wrenching realizations. I left a much loved part of myself behind in the little gray house on the country road through apple orchards. I came home to my father's house, the place where my life began, where I was safe and loved, and began the journey to healing. Five years ago I wrote, "I haven't found myself yet, but I'm still looking." Today I can say I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. My year started out tough, but I've come so far the past ten years and I'd never have gotten here without all the adversity.

To be honest, I thought I was happy in my old life and for the most part I was. I'd never wanted to be anything other than a wife and mother. My positions weren't quite what I'd imagined as a young girl, there were lots of tears, but I'd never be the person I am today without those hard lessons. It's because of them that I have been able to sit down and sort through what I believe and why, to set some beliefs aside, and to tuck others deeper into my heart and soul. Inside I am still very much the same girl I have always been with a generous helping of confidence that I was previously missing. 

Honestly, life is good. It is very good.

(Pictures from my Indian Summer walk in the woods on Thursday, which also happened to be Halloween.)

On Going "Home"

I went "home" on Friday afternoon. An invitation was extended, I was available, and I am still in need of healing, so I went. (photos from my years past collection)

It's been five years since Jon and Sarah moved into the little gray house. She greeted me warmly, gave me a hug, and took me on a tour. Once upon a time I called the place "home." It sheltered my family and me, gathered us into its warmth on cold winter days, held us when we were hurting, and kept watchful eyes while we slept. There were gatherings of friends and family in the yard for summer picnics, birthday parties and holiday celebrations inside when the weather wasn't agreeable. It was a beautiful place to call "home," mostly...

I stepped into rooms I thought I would never see again...  The kitchen, the living room, my mother's room, even the bedrooms. They were all familiar in a strange kind of way. I took it in and smiled. Although I hadn't met Sarah before this summer, we have known Jon in one capacity or another for about 15 years. We talked about my kids, who know Jon from a previous church fellowship, and I felt myself get teary. Two of my boys have already visited the farm since James sold it. It is quite obvious that Jon, who is between my two youngest children in age, cares very much for them. It's part of what made me feel emotional.

Sarah was eager to show me the animals. I'd already met the four dogs who live inside the house and are like their children. Underneath Barn 3, where Jon and his brother poured a concrete floor, was a sow and several piglets, and another sow who will also soon give birth. In and around the little concrete building that long ago housed seasonal orchard workers, was a wonderful menagerie of pets; donkeys, sheep, goats, pot bellied pigs, and a castrated bull calf Jon rescued. There were ducks, chickens, and a turkey as well. I was told they have barn cats (the Naughties would have been thrilled to stay on the farm) and also rabbits, which I did not see. (I might have forgotten something but I can't think of what it might be.) Jon and Sarah do not have children of their own, but the child of a friend was there soaking in all the love and attention she could.

It was an interesting afternoon. I found a piece of healing that isn't yet complete, but I think it can be. I'm looking forward to another visit some day.

Down to the Lake and a Woods Walk

Life is good. I'm adjusting to my new job and learning lots of new things. There's a reason I never order specialty coffee drinks, and that is because I never knew the difference between one or the other. Ha ha! I know now. I'm slowly adjusting to my new schedule of showering at night, going to bed early, and waking up well before daylight. The best part is getting home just a little after 1 pm with plenty of daylight left for rest and relaxation or a walk.

Yesterday I took myself down to the lake. The waves were slapping the break wall and the fishermen were enjoying both the sandbar and the areas surrounding the creek. I walked to the beginning of the pier and no farther. It was both cold and windy and so I headed back to the shelter of my car.

Not wanting to go home, I decided to take the road back to the Webster Park Campground where I have walked in previous years. Two women met to walk their dogs. I followed them into the woods but lost them as I stopped to soak in the sweetness of the trees. The scent of pine, the soft forest floor under my feet, bits of autumn color... 

A lifetime ago my sisters and I walked these woods with our parents. It was tradition, when camping 6 miles from our childhood home, to take an after lunch walk through the trees with our parents. Back in the 1970s the trees were young, strong, and healthy, the forest floor scattered with pine cones and needles, the undergrowth sparse and the space between the ground and lower pine branches open below and protected above. We often walked through the woods as far as the Mohawk Lodge. These are beautiful memories and the main reason I go back to walk through these woods again and again.

Today I took a nap after work and then a walk down through the old dead end by our woods, through the adjoining neighborhood, and back home down the main road. It's been a good day and my heart is happy.

Bits and Pieces

 * I started my new job at Dunkin on Thursday morning and watched several training videos while waiting for the manager. some multiple times. I figured it could only be beneficial to watch the food videos over and over. I went home tired on Thursday and exhausted on Friday. Took a nap both days. 

* I hit a tree on my way to work Saturday morning. It must have been a windy night because it was laying across at least half of the access road along Rt 104. I saw it in time to swerve but not to miss it altogether. It scrubbed up my hood and smacked my passenger side mirror against the side window. It's not every day I drive through the uppermost branches of a tree... Thankfully, it appears that the damage is limited to the mirror.

* Saturday afternoon was bright and sunny. I shot my sister Rachel a text. "Have you been on your afternoon walk yet?" I asked. "Nope." she replied, "Where are we going?" After picking her up at her house, we drove down toward Lake Rd and took a walk through the woods at 4 Mile Creek. By the time we returned my body felt as tired and achy as it had on Friday afternoon after work, but my mind was satisfied that I had been outside.

* Yesterday was not quite the sunny autumn day we had hoped for, but I met my son Dave and his family just the same and rode with them out to the Rochester Folk Art Guild in Middlesex, NY. It was gray, overcast, and rainy but we enjoyed looking through the studios and talking to the artists. 

The wood working shop was incredible and filled with all kinds of familiar looking tools. There were toys, puzzles, turned vessels and wooden tools.

In another building we all (my son, my daughter in law, and three teenage grandchildren)  sat around a table and decorated cards. Each one was provided a card and the table was covered with all manner of paper with which to decorate it. There were hole punches, scissors, markers, glue sticks, and all kinds of decorative paper. The artists were totally impressed by Simon and Lucas who thoroughly enjoyed the activity.

We visited the weaving studio filled with beautifully colored woolen clothes, several looms, and a rainbow of endless spools of colored yarn. 

Leta saved the pottery studio for last. There was an abundance of beautiful sculptures, cups, bowls, vases and jars. At a small table a visitor was using a small ball of clay to sculpt. I took a tiny ball of the clay and found it to be wonderfully sticky and pliable. The potters in the shop shared the recipe for the clay... I am hoping to find someone who could help me mix a batch.

* Mondays are now part of my weekend and so this morning I slept in, met with my therapist online, and then while the sun was shining, I took a ride to fill my gas tank, pick up a pair of over the counter readers, and buy a bag of gingersnaps for my grandsons to dip in my coffee. It's dark and gloomy again and I feel like curling up under a blanket for a little bit of a nap, although it's probably a little late in the day for that.

Cheater Post

 Copied from those unusually long status updates I posted to Facebook this week...

Sunday, October 6, 2024 4:32 pm- The world is full of teachers who leave lasting impressions on the children who pass through their classrooms. I thought of Miss Eckert last week, quite possibly on the very day she slipped out of her earthly body and into the other side. I’m grateful for the little bit of time we spent together one day in August of 2016. She was struggling with “cognitive impairment” but it was still a joy to be with her. We went out to lunch and talked about her first few years of teaching 2nd grade. I had the wonderful opportunity to thank her for taking the time to talk to me on one of the most impactful and confusing days of my then eight years. 

Sunday, October 6, 2024 6:39 pm- After my last post, the one about my 2nd grade teacher, I went out to drop off a photo album and pick up some cat food. I got into a short line at Wegmans rather than going through the usual self checkout lane. There was an "slightly old than me" couple just ahead. The woman appeared somewhat animated but as she wandered closer to me, I could tell she was confused. (Did I just mention "cognitive impairment"?) He husband tried to lead her away, but I assured him she was not bothering me at all. I tried talking to her but her answers were just a jumble of words. She was trying too, but nothing was making sense. Her husband soon paid for their groceries and took her by the hand. They started slowly for the door, her in no hurry to leave. I paid for my few items and caught up with them just outside the door where I took her other hand, walked with them all the way to the end of the parking lot where "Angela" was safely loaded into the front seat, and then made my way back to may own car. It doesn't always take a huge effort to show a stranger a little bit of love.

Monday, October 7, 2024 8:49 pm- I'm getting used to a new phone and it has some tricks I'm not quite used to. It's very sensitive to touch, so sensitive that I often don't even have to touch it. When texting, it is always listening, sometimes to a podcast instead of me (because I'm not talking and don't realize the microphone is on...) and is printing random words in the text box, so if we are ever texting back and forth and you receive a rather confusing message, let me apologize ahead of time.

Tuesday, October 8, 2024 3:36 pm-I’ve been without a regular full time job since mid May. No job I applied to panned out, but I enjoyed my summer outside and my girls kept me afloat by paying me to watch the kids while they worked. In September, because I still had no obligation to a steady place of employment, I was able to spend time with a friend while her husband was very sick in a Pennsylvania hospital. I was there when he passed, and was available to follow her and her son as they pulled their camper back to central Florida . Not finding employment had been disheartening and my most promising prospect had called about an interview when I was on my way south. I returned home between hurricanes and resumed the search for a job. Yesterday I had an interview and accepted a position at a local Dunkin (and today another establishment called looking for an interview). I am entirely grateful that God knows best because without the open schedule I would never have had the opportunity to spend so much of September with my sweet friend.

 

Home, Safe, and Overwhelmed

Hurricane Helene sent some rain and a little bit of wind to Sanford, Florida and utterly decimated Eastern Tennessee and Western North Carolina. As we watched the storm system swirl closer and closer to land on Wednesday I couldn't help but think of those who would lose their lives when she made landfall and moved inland. I never imagined such destruction.

It didn't feel prudent to start for home in the midst of a hurricane so I sat out Thursday and considered leaving Florida on Friday, but the hurricane was drawing enough wind off the Atlantic and over the east coast, that I opted to wait once again. I honestly don't love traveling in a driving rain. My halfway point, where I'd thought to find a hotel, Rocky Mount, North Carolina, was hit by a tornado Friday afternoon. I'd been wise to stay put once again.

The weather in Sanford was beautiful on Friday. Jim suggested I might like to visit Harry P. Leu (Botanical) Gardens. It was a good choice. The gardens were amazing and I enjoyed the tour of the house as well. Being the only individual on the tour was wonderful. I wandered the paths on my own, took pictures, and soaked in the scenery. A few hours later I drove up the road and found some cookies at Gideon's Bakehouse, and stopped at the A&T store on my way back to Jim and Michele's house. What do you know?! I can use the GPS in my phone!!!

I woke up early enough on Saturday morning to catch a shower before heading toward Daytona and Flagler Beach where I found Marty. We sat and talked for a while and he helped me get Siri set up on my new phone and we put in a request that she get me home. I left the beach at about 11:10 am and started up I-95 North. I could have (and should have) stopped in North Carolina to stay with a friend, but I hadn't put her address into my itinerary and drove right past I-40. (Not the washed out part in Tennessee, but the part closest to I-95.) I drove another 3 hours to Chester, Virginia where my sweet daughter and son in law used Marriottt points to book me a room at the Fairfield Inn. A bed never felt so wonderful! I'd have slept like a baby had my entire body not been "buzzing" from the long hours on the highway. After breakfast on Sunday morning, I continued north toward home and pulled into my own driveway at about 5:30 pm., tired but safe. It was a long drive but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Yesterday morning I went to put gasoline in my car and the scrubbing, grinding noise I'd heard in Pennsylvania the day before returned, along with another sound I can't presently identify. I decided to stop at Klem's Garage and leave my car there in the lot. Hopefully they get some time to look at it before next Tuesday's appointment. For now I am home with Killian and we'll be walking if we want to get out.

It's been 5 months now since I've had a regular job and two weeks since I've had any income at all. If I'm honest, I am more than a little terrified on the inside. I have a looming CPS hearing (on January 6, 2025) and should talk to a lawyer because I don't know how to do this alone, a "probably significant" car repair bill coming up, and all my regular expenses as well. No one is going to "take care of me" any more than they already have been. (I am grateful for those who live here with me in my house. They make staying here possible.) I have money in my bank account that would cover my bills, but it's also supposed to cover my taxes come spring. God has always provided for my needs, however I can't help but feel anxious.

Our north east summer has come to an end. Today, for the first time in over two weeks (at least!) I put on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I'm not ready to admit it is autumn, even though I've always said it's my favorite. I haven't yet donned socks and shoes... Maybe I should have gotten a job in Florida... LOL!

PS. It warmed up and I'm back to shorts and a sleeveless top.

Hurricane Helene

I spent several days at the home of my friend Ann before heading east on my son's birthday. It was so hard to leave her behind after spending so many days together and watching her go through some of the most difficult days of her life... I had planned to spend Jim's birthday with him, meet my friend Marty for sunrise at Jubba Beach Wednesday morning and head for home early Thursday, but my plans have been thwarted.

It's been a quiet day. I did not get up before the sun and drive to the east coast. Hurricane Helene is crawling up the west side of Florida, threatening havoc. My friend Marty, who was to meet me at the beach, was called on to secure several boats in the Daytona/Palm Coast area. I took a short drive around Sanford and got caught in the rain coming out of Walmart. It was a wonderfully exhilarating, warm, tropical rain. Several bands passed over today and more wind and rain are expected throughout the night and well into tomorrow. I won't be heading north toward home until the threat of storms and flooding has passed, whenever that may be. The kids have been given a day off school tomorrow.

What Day Is It?

What can I say about the last week and two days...? So many fragmented thoughts have still to be knitted together in my heart and mind. 

Forty years ago on the sidewalk outside our apartment, a little boy rode a tiny bike and threatened to knock my three year old off his tricycle. "How about I knock you off your bike?" I'd asked him, and he quickly replied, "My mom will call the police." Last night that little boy came home from the store with a half gallon of Rocky Road Ice Cream and said to his mom, "I brought the things you asked for and Martha texted and asked for ice cream, so I brought that too." (I hadn't, but that's beside the point.)

Friendships don't always begin with pleasantries. At our first encounter that little boy had also walked right up to me and declared, "We worship Jehovah." He stood directly in front of me as I sat on the ground watching Jimmy ride his tricycle, and waited for my response. "We worship Jesus," I told him.

While I remember those first moments of interaction, most of what came in the days, months, and years to follow blends together into an afghan of lifetime friendship. I heard her family call her "Ruthie," while the neighbors told me her name was Ann. My mother stepped up when the family needed daycare. On a moment's notice James and I were invited to her wedding in the community center at the apartment complex and learned on our way there that her new husband was the cousin of our friend. In time both of our families moved to the same little town in Wayne County, NY and I babysat on and off while she worked. We each had another baby giving each of us four (Josh, Joel, Charlie, and Drew for her, and Jim, Dave, Beth, and Joe for me). We took our kids on picnics, talked on the phone for hours, and argued religion. Tragedy struck their extended family and they moved a half hour farther out into the country. There was a barn and horses and a continued friendship.

I don't know why some people face trials and tragedies over and over and over, I only know that each one she faced knit us closer together. It's not my place to list them here, but I can tell you I have never stopped loving her and her children. Last Friday morning when she sent a text telling me the doctors at the Pennsylvania hospital had advised her to ask family members to come and say their last goodbyes to her sweet husband, she was a thousand miles from home. My daughters didn't hesitate to encourage me, for the third time in as many weeks, to make the 2 1/2 hour drive to the hospital. I sat with my friend, did everything I could to help her and the staff, met her son at the elevator when he made his 7:30 pm arrival, and made no attempt to hide my own sorrow when her husband David left this world at 12:30 am on Saturday, September 14. We spent the night at a hotel, met with a Pennsylvania funeral home, picked up her camper from a family member, and made the drive north from Watkins Glen, NY to my home in Webster. On Tuesday we headed south and I followed them home. 

I could look heavenward and ask God all the same "why?" questions I've asked in the past but the trusting Him to be there is much easier than understanding any of the "whys?" He is the one who knit this friendship together. He is the one who takes yarns of contrasting and complimentary colors and fashions the strands into unimaginably beautiful blankets. I don't understand, but I know He does.

Playing Catch Up (again)

Very often I write for myself. This is one of those times that I will need to look back on in the future and so I record my thoughts and memories here while they are fresh. The events of life tumble and spin often leaving us wondering how, what, and why? This is one of those moments...

Three weeks ago my friend Ann left Florida with her husband David. They hooked up their camper and drove from the Ocala area through Virginia and into southern New York State, back to the place where they grew up together. They had plans to drive all the way north to Lake Ontario but first there was an August 25 family reunion for David. A day or two later his nose started bleeding and it just wouldn't stop. They went to the ER. When I went down to visit a week later, because he felt too week to drive 2 hours north, it was still bleeding randomly. On the evening of September 1 she took him back to the ER. They eventually transferred him to a hospital with a Level 2 Trauma Unit. That is where I went on Friday morning (September 6). With his platelet levels plummeting, the prognosis is dire. We had a bit of hope on Saturday when a trial treatment helped to raise the platelet levels. He was able to converse coherently and was even up and walking. He looked so good that I felt it was okay to go home, but his levels are dropping once again. My heart is breaking for my sweet friend who finally, after years of heartache, found the love of her life and is now losing him.

So, I have driven south to the Pennsylvania border twice in the space of a week. I watched as a support team from the Jehovah's Witnesses came to love, encourage, and pray with them and found myself impressed by their network. (They are Witnesses.) This past Friday night I stayed in my friend's camper while she slept in a hospital chair in her husband's room. I am completely undone by the fact that I am any comfort at all to my friend. We have been through a lifetime together, much of it separated by distance yet stitched together by love. Your prayers for my friends is appreciated ever so much.

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We got some rain here Monday afternoon. Buckets of it! I was out taking a few photos on the front step when my phone sounded the alarm. (Flower photo at the top taken previous to the alarm sounding.) It was a warning for possible flash flooding in my area. Thankfully I don't have a basement, and I don't have a creek running through my back yard either, although we did have a bit of a "lake" for a time. The town of Webster, NY is right along Lake Ontario so in some ways it couldn't have fallen in a better location.

Day Dreaming

 An autumn walk on the beach is sounding absolutely fabulous at the moment. This is the lake. I'm dreaming of somewhere warm and sunny in say, October or November.

PS. Sorry for the Brain Barf of the previous post. I'm feeling better now.

Brain Barf

When the brain is too full it's time for a blog. There are so many thoughts bouncing that I'm likely to give up writing partway through and stash it as a draft forever, but I'm going to give it a whirl anyway. Obviously politics, but I don't want to turn you off at the get-go so that'll have to wait.

* I received a packet from OCFS (Office of Children and Family Services) in the mail on Friday. It is topped off with a letter to the judge stating that the contents within states, "the attached forms and documents should be admitted without regard to the truth or falsity of the contents of such forms and documents, and no implication may be made by the hearing officer as to the truth or falsity of any of the contents of any of the forms or documents solely on the basis of such forms and documents having been admitted into evidence."  I'm not entirely sure what all of that means but having looked through the packet, it is severely lacking in information that would exonerate either one of us such as the water being heated and brought into the room by another individual or the fact that we were both addressing other potentially harmful situations at the exact time of said incident. I'm finding myself entirely discouraged by this process. Phone appointment with the judge mid September, hearing date set at that time.

* I have yet to find suitable employment outside of the home. I applied at the local credit union by internet yesterday. Questions about prior employment are hard to answer. I can't even imagine how it must be for those actually convicted of a crime. 

* It's been a fabulous summer with a few stressful moments tossed in. My skin is tanned and I am loaded up with vitamin D. My toes have been polished and my cup is full. I spent most of my time with grandchildren but also enjoyed lots of outside time.

* I hate election years with a passion but have decided the stakes are high enough this time around that I can't afford to keep silent. I do not agree with all of the Democratic policies, however I see a clear and present danger lurking on the other side. A President like DJT or JD Vance can never, ever be handed complete immunity from prosecution. What are we thinking? Have we learned absolutely nothing from history?

* One of my best friends is 2 1/2 hours away, sitting in a hospital room with her husband. He is gravely ill and they are 18 hours from their home in Florida. They hauled a trailer from home, brought their dog, and my heart is breaking for them. There is nothing I can do but pray and be a support system. I visited them on Sunday at their campsite. When I left she took him to the Emergency Room. He is a 10 year heart transplant recipient and my friend is terrified of losing the only man who ever truly loved her. 

* So that's it for now... Aside from me dreaming of driving to Florida to walk the beach. LOL!

Hills, Valleys, and Vistas

Life is filled with hills and valleys, wide roads and narrow paths. Each individual must choose whether to keep pressing forward, backtrack to an alternative route, or forge a new trail. Life is give and take. No one has enough to give without accepting, and taking without a willingness to share creates deficits in ourselves and others. 

 

I am entirely grateful for those along my path. To those who nurtured and loved me while I learned to stand, toddle and run, I will be forever grateful. To those who gently encouraged me across difficult terrain, thank you! And to yet others who turned me in slightly different directions, pointed out new horizons, and advocated that I stretch my understanding, I am incredibly indebted.

 

To those who believe your subtle words and actions aren't making a difference, let me assure you they are not falling on deaf ears or blind eyes. Rest when you are weary, take shelter in the storm, nourish your soul and keep forging on. Every smile, every nod of the head, every word of comfort and consolation make an impact. Every child you inspire, every friend you reassure, every stranger you hearten makes the world brighter. Together we have the power to make the world a brighter place.

Back to the Blog

"I'm processing," I told her. She'd walked into the room where I was sitting on the edge of the couch folding laundry, two silent tears rolling down my face... Sometimes I process by writing. Sometimes the processor is set to "whir" and that is all it can do.

It rained all day, a continual, misty rain that managed to drench everything. Hannah worked four hours this afternoon, Sergio left to move a piece of company equipment and came home again, and I felt strangely unanchored and out of sorts. I went down to the lake for a minute. (The tree and a 15 year old girl were struck by lightening on Saturday afternoon. Thanks to the quick thinking of others present, she was given CPR and survived. I hope the tree does too.)

I've gotten a pretty decent suntan this summer. Even my legs are slightly tanned. That's saying a lot since they haven't seen much sunlight since I was about 8 years old. After 9 years of spending way too much time inside, I took full advantage of my chance at a summer. I only wish camping had been part of the package. I miss camping.

The Presidential race is picking up steam. It is fascinating in many ways, and oh so ugly in others. I have so many thoughts that I won't share here... LOL!

Practice

I practiced being home alone today. My family was gone overnight and I had nothing pressing for my time and attention today. I slept in, read the book my sister lent me, played with some slabs of clay, and met my beautiful daughter for a burrito on her meal break at dinner-ish time. I thought I might take an evening walk, but dark clouds blocked out the sunset and rain poured down. I decided to stay inside instead.

The flowers are from yesteryear...

August

I like to call it "Summer's Second Half" because the children here don't go back to school until September. It's been a hard week and a good week all rolled up together. A Swiss Cake Roll Kind of Week. 

 I can't remember Sunday...

On Monday I took the boys to the park and when they didn't know, I called my son Nate to see if he was anywhere nearby with his little people. I had to smile when I heard Idris shout, "Wesley!" because I could hear the smile in his excitement at seeing his cousin. 

Tuesday was rough. One of my grands had a major meltdown. The child was totally out of control which left me feeling totally helpless... These events trigger an anger deep inside and eventually I was sobbing. We are working on solutions to help this child regain focus and learn to regulate emotions. This is hard. So hard.

My Wednesday morning Zoom meeting with my therapist came at exactly the right time. I was grateful to have someone to talk it out with. By Wednesday afternoon I was ready to meet my cousins at the park where we set up our pottery stand. It was a beautiful evening of passersby and music. When it was time to go home I found I'd left my car keys in the ignition with the AC fan turned on and my battery was completely drained. A kind gentleman helped me out by jumping my car and I was able to get home without incident.

I was thoroughly humiliated Thursday morning when Sergio informed me, with a slight smile in his voice, that my car was still running. I'd meant to leave it run for "ten minutes" after I returned home and had totally forgotten. (What a dork! LOL!!!) I was happy to find I still had enough gas in the tank to get to Bethany's for the day. The kids had a fabulous afternoon playing in the Rickety Tree House. After dinner I called my friend Cindy and was able to stop over and visit her for an hour. She is one of my forever, since we were babies, friends and is fighting an inoperable type of liver cancer. Oh, how I love her...

Today was hot and humid, especially after it rained. It was a good day to watch a movie. I was just making an afternoon cup of coffee when my phone rang and I heard a distressed son on the other end of the line. He'd had a bicycle accident on his way to work a few hours earlier and his foot was in terrible pain, so much that he thought it might be broken. I packed the boys, Idris and Killian, into the car and we took off to find Uncle Joe and take him to Urgent Care. The foot is not broken, but badly sprained. He is greatly relieved but still in much pain. That pair of crutches he has standing in a corner of his apartment are coming in handy.

Goodbye, July

Two more days, but those two are going to be okay. The month of July is mostly behind me. Now I can breathe. It's not as though all of life's challenges have miraculously melted away, but my mind and body are less in survival mode and more in the moment. I'm still appealing two indicated child abuse reports, still "unemployed" but "working" for my daughters, and still not always certain which way to turn. What I do know is I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, and little ones who need to be loved and taken care of.

I took the boys to the park today. Our last trip there ended in disaster when Killian saw the playground filled with children and promptly declared, "I don yike dose kids," before ever getting out of the car. LOL! Today, although the parking lot was full, the playground was almost empty. He and Idris all but had it to themselves. Only two others were there. Others came in time, but by then Kili was acclimated and didn't complain. I found myself smiling when I heard Idris proclaim, "Wesley!" He had no idea I'd called his Uncle Nate to see if they were nearby. It was a fun afternoon. (Sorry, no pictures. Ha ha! I was busy reading a book and felting pumpkins.)

Be Anxious...

If you are familiar with scripture, then you will know the rest of the verse, but knowing and implementing do not always go hand in hand. I slept last night, but the previous night was fraught with gripping anxiety. So many unsettled thoughts...

But today. Today is a new space in time. Another new beginning.

D Day

All of July is pointing toward this day. All the tension in my body, the emotional disregulation, the mental exhaustion. After today my body and mind will relax and most of the tension will melt away. Most of it. Today is D Day. The day the flowers died. Cultivating new growth requires a strength and intentionality I do not always possess. Today I long for a home to which I can never return. Tomorrow I will in all likelihood be ready to pick up a shovel and work in the new "garden" again.

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. On Saturday I went out toward Buffalo with my sister Priscilla. We went to Knox Farm State Park and walked the grounds. Free parking, free entry. I took a bazillion pictures. After a quick lunch, we took a peek in a pottery shop in East Aurora and then headed to Daemen University in Amhurst where we walked the labyrinth across from Curtice Hall. Coffee ice cream at Sweet Jenny's was next, followed by a walk in Glen Park just behind Jenny's. After our ice cream it was time to head to the airport and find Jamie, Priscilla's husband who had been stuck in San Antonio overnight due to the computer outage.

On Sunday I was invited to tag along on a Trejo family outing to Stony Brook State Park in Dansville. I hadn't been there since we camped when Hannah was five years old. We walked the Gorge trail from the bottom up and then back down again. Determination took me all the way up the never-ending staircase at the top of the trail. I had taken my shoes off at one of the waterfalls and walked it barefooted. Yesterday my calves decided to punish me and I find walking at all to be painful. Ha ha! Stony Brook did the exact same thing to me 24 years ago.

I am intentionally setting out new plants, making new memories, in hopes that the old ones will one day not throw me off balance over and over again but today I miss my old gardens. I miss my house on the farm, my spacious kitchen full of my own things, the oversized couch where I took afternoon naps, the breezy back porch, and someone to enfold me in his arms... Tomorrow I will stand firm again, but for today my heart is achy.