Another Farewell

What do I say about this goodbye? Another long anticipated crossing over? Thoughts are many but my mind simply doesn't know which way to process this today... It will come in bits and pieces, a few tears here, and few more there...

My son called while I was at work this morning. He wanted to tell me about his grandma's passing in person... "When I was little it felt like I couldn't do anything right," he said. "But when Grandmanita was around, I couldn't do anything wrong." I've been contemplating that all afternoon... What a beautiful gift to leave a grandchild... She was so full of excitement, laughter and encouragement...

Grnadmanita taught me so, so much. Lessons on encouraging others, on accepting those who were different, and on loving myself as well.  She would compliment me and when I blushed or rebuffed her comment, her admonition was, "Say, 'Thank you, I know.'" It was a hard lesson to learn... 

Memories are wonderful gifts. Remembering helps us process grief and loss. Remembering things like my 8 year old daughter getting a toaster, a used one, I think, for Christmas... We have laughed about it for 30 years now. It was a most memorable holiday surprise... LOL!

Lots of tributes on Facebook today... She was well loved.

Allergies, Exhaustion, and Observations

It is allergy season. I am lost in an allergy induced fog. My brain is tired and my body doesn't want to move. It only wants to sleep. Last year I referred to feeling "spacey and lethargic" and so it is again. (And you thought work was killing me.) Speaking of work, it took me all day to figure out why there were so many tissues decorating the floor of various halls and rooms. Could it be allergy season?

So, did I tell you that I'm tired? I'm almost too tired to blog. Almost. Love drives us to do many things, doesn't it? (That is one of the latches on a woodshed at my parent's house.)

The last few weeks have brought me to some different views on previous opinions held. I have had a bit of time now to observe the resident in nursing home care. The mentally and physically alert socialize and go to activities. Their days often consist of eating in the public dining room, visiting with staff, volunteers, and fellow residents, playing Bingo or Yahtzee, and going out with family. Those who are less cognitively alert, unable to navigate the halls independently, or even get out of bed, are left to the mercy of others. Many sit around the nurses' station between meals, napping or waiting for someone to come along and offer a kind word. Bedridden patients press call bells and hope that whoever answers will stay and chat for just a minute or two. It can appear that many of those in our care are simply existing. :( Mom did this much, and so much more. I am just now beginning to fully comprehend how blessed she was, and how blessed I am, for her having been here.

One of our residents received a package in the mail yesterday. She appeared rather shocked and confused by its appearance, but pleased just the same. She rarely leaves her bed and so the box of coloring books, crayons, colored pencils, and a few snacks made her day. There was no card tucked into the box and no return address on the outside. She made various attempts at deciphering who could have sent such a thing.  When I checked in later she was coloring contentedly.

A final word of wisdom. Don't hide a box of Junior Mints in the glove box of your vehicle and forget to eat or share them before the weather warms up. At least tuck them into your lunch box where they will be safe from damaging blasts of unexpected summer heat.

Helpless

Feeling helpless once again. Grown up kids have grown up problems. Those problems make us tired, mostly because we don't know what to do, and turn us to prayer. Different child, different problem, same helpless feeling.

PS. Photo by Susan.

Silly Me

I am I the only one who every so often does a search on her own blog? Once in a while I get curious about a past post and set off looking for it. Of course that gets me distracted and I often find myself reading old posts and smiling... Tonight I my search came up with these posts. The one I was really looking for was right there at the top of the list.

Somehow, I think posts of the past often had more substance than those I write today. I find I still have a lot to learn and still haven't learned many of the lessons I was facing years back. Perhaps there is hope. Maybe I can still learn something, even if it is from myself.

How do you like that? Same little shack, just a few years older.

Sand Through the Hour Glass

There is not much left to the year 2011. Another 26 hours and we will be counting the seconds until the arrival of 2012. Hopefully I will be wise enough this time around to sleep the new year in instead of to stay awake and stumble through the next day in a fog.

I have been considering New Year's resolutions... It seems every year they are about the same; eat better, exercise more, and lose weight, along with be more thankful, smile more often, and forgive more faster. ;) (Yes, I do know that's bad grammar.)

My treadmill remains in my daughter's basement. I miss it, but there isn't any extra space in my living room. (It once lived here in another room, but that now belongs to my mother...) Is there hope for this now middle aged woman? (I'm talking about me.) I am not liking what I see either in the mirror or in photographs... Maybe I need to go on a soup and watered down juice diet. That would cover my fluid intake and be lower in calories!

The Path Less Traveled

Sometimes the path before us is well worn and oft traveled. Other times it isn't...

I've wondered lately at why God picked me for this job. At one point in time I thought I could do it well. My friends and family would be amazed at the ease with which I did the job. I would never roll my eyes, speak harshly, or become impatient. I would serve without complaint, give gladly, and expect nothing in return... Perhaps God's reason for choosing me was that I needed a lesson in humility. Perhaps I was a bit too sure of myself and a bit too harsh on my son when he and Leta struggled with the task. Perhaps I had no clue and perhaps I still have little.

I have failed more times, I am afraid, than I have succeeded, but no one is more keenly aware of my failures than myself, especially when others are watching. I been frustrated, exhibited exasperation, and spoken impatiently, but I have also loved unconditionally, offered (or tried to offer) encouragement and reassurance, and kept a watchful eye and almost constant presence. I'm not expecting anyone to overlook my failures and shortcomings, excuse my wrongs, or relieve me of my role. What I need are the tools and support to help me succeed, even though, and especially because, I struggle.

My mother in law said she was worried about me, that I needed some time for myself without having to worry about Mom, and that we needed to ask for, possibly even demand, help on a regular basis. Maybe one weekend every month. Truthfully, I don't know how to go about that. I scarcely have time to keep the plates spinning much less plan for time away, but I do know I can be weary and sometimes worn threadbare. I also know there is no turning back.

My Hannie Bannie

Hannah's back injury is now two weeks old. Since that time she has not only struggled with the pain of a compression fracture, but has also dealt with the aches, pains, and upset stomachs that come with taking pain medication and fighting stomach bugs and viruses. It is no understatement to say she is "sick of being sick." I was blessed to see her feeling like herself once again today.

I got up in time to meet Emma, but was soon informed that she was ill and would be staying home today. Mid-morning Hannah and I headed out to Webster together. First stop was the doctor's office in Webster to gather a doctor's signature for Bethany. There I talked with James' cousin Angel and kissed her forehead where she has a scar left by a "tennis racket wielding teenager" years ago. This has become a ritual for us, as each time we meet she tells the story of how I accidentally whacked her between the eyes over thirty years ago. (I think she really likes the kisses I started giving her a year or so ago.)

After a visit to the bank and a quick stop in BJ's Wholesale Club, Hannah and I hit the shopping plaza and visited Joanne Fabrics, Kohl's (I had Kohl's cash..), Target, Barnes and Noble, and Wegman's. From there we headed back toward home. The car wash line was much too long so the van is still covered with dirt and salt. I'll have it washed on a "not so beautiful" kind of day. I decided to stop in at the chiropractor's office and make Hannah an appointment. It was the lunch hour but they were in the office and were kind enough to talk with us for a few minutes and give her an appointment for next week.

In my ventures at the shopping center I came to the conclusion that one should make sure to save a couple hundred dollars or so to spend the week following Christmas. The sales are great and besides, it gives a good head start on the collection of gifts that will be needed next holiday season.

Maybe Next Year...

The stockings were stuffed...

Thirteen ideas for next year. (Would somebody please remind to to look at this come August?)

1. Keep up with the lasagna and salad dinners for Christmas. It's perfect!
2. Never neglect the Christmas Eve service no matter how many things need to get accomplished before morning arrives.
3. Try wrapping those gifts before midnight Christmas Eve. It would be nice to see them under the tree for at least a day or two. Besides who needs the added pressure of having to wrap everything last minute?
4. Color coded storage boxes. I know the red and green plastic totes are probably gone from the stores by now, but they sure would make finding the Christmas stuff 100% easier.
5. If you plan to mail cards, stock up on stamps ahead of time, print a family photo from July, and get those babies going on one of those down days right after Thanksgiving.
6. Banker's boxes... This is a new idea for me and I'm not sure if I'll pull it off or not. I have a rather large and growing family which makes buying for Christmas a bit of a challenge. A bundle of bankers boxes, each with an individual name, could be a great place to collect random gifts throughout the year. Now where to store them?
7. Make cutout cookies a couple of times through the month of December and send them home with small friends who are more than willing to help eat and decorate.
8. Take some time away from work and the computer to watch a few of those holiday classics; "It's a Wonderful Life," "The Bishop's Wife," "A Muppet Christmas Carol,"...
9. Homemade mittens make great gifts. (Thanks, Andrea!)
10. Keep plenty of ones and spare change on hand so you can put something in the Red Kettle every time.
11. Get the tree early and decorate it with all the glee and excitement of a five year old.
12. Hang lights outside!
13. Make time to be in or attend a Christmas pageant or two and be sure to let it be known which holiday you wish your friends and neighbors to enjoy! "Merry Christmas!"

PS. Don't forget the family white elephant gift exchange. It's so much fun.

Lessons in Parchment Paper

I decided to try a new cookie recipe, Homemade Oreo Cookies. Things were going well, the dough looked good and smelled wonderful. It tasted good too, but I was missing parchment paper to bake them on. A quick run to the local grocery store. Now, I have never used parchment paper. It seemed a wonderful way to bake cookies. No greasing of the baking sheet and easy cleanup. The first sheet worked like a charm. Twenty perfect circles were on the table cooling when the timer went off for the second sheet. I opened the oven, grabbed the edge of the cookie sheet, and started to remove it from the oven...

My husband heard my desperate cries. "No, no, no! No, no!" I cried. The oven was billowing smoke already! The slippery paper had slid right off the sheet, turned upside down, and dumped my precious cookies into the bottom of the oven where they were quickly turning to charcoal. My Darling came to the rescue and helped me scoop the blackened remains from the floor of the "cookie furnace."I learned a quick lesson about parchment paper and flat baking sheets.

The remaining cookies turned out pretty good in spite of it all, and I may have to attempt another batch tomorrow as I have a little bit too much filling left over. (No surprise there.) What I'd really like to try making are those Dutch Windmill cookies. If only I could find a good cookie mold...

Calming the Storm

Last night I made some decisions and they involved a trip to Webster this morning. After dropping my four children off at preschool (Hannah stayed to help today), I headed out and then stopped to visit my mom and also see how my very pregnant daughter in law is doing. Leta is due any day now; we are just waiting... (Come on, Baby!)

I had a very nice visit with my mom and took her a journal to write in. I told her how much I really want her stories to be preserved too, not just Dad's. So much is lost when our parents and grandparents move on and I so enjoy the tales of childhood my parents shared through the years. I could see Mom's "wheels" turning and we talked and laughed some more at some of her memories like when someone asked her how she liked her baby brother. She said she didn't like him. He pulled her hair. "Why don't you take him back?" she was asked. "We can't," she said,"We used him already." Funny thing is Mom is only 20 months older than her brother so she couldn't have been much more than 2 1/2 or so when the story happened.

On my way back to preschool, I suddenly remember that Vinnie was going to show up at the house because I had forgotten to call and have his mom meet me in town. I gave a message to one of the other preschool moms and raced home rather than waiting for Hannah and the little people. While I was gone the girls and Hannah walked Colton home. They were waiting for me when I returned with the baby.

I'm feeling better today, less stressed, more settled. Thank you all for your prayers.

Monday's Children

But Jesus called them to Him and said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16

Mondays are never dull, in fact they are full of activity. I don't have to drag little girls out into the snow or leave them at preschool, instead they play here in my living room. This morning I sat here at my computer and listened to them play. "Look, Martha," one of them called, "I'm having a baby!" Some sort of doll or stuffed animal made a bulge under her shirt. "Look, Martha, I'm having a..." said the second as she hesitated and took a peek down the front of her shirt through the neckhole. I laughed. I remembered days long past when my little friends and I would play the same game.

Toys are strewn across the living room; Fisher Price, Beanie Babies, stuffed animals, toy boats and little plastic cups. They have called each other "Darling" and "Sweetie", driven the car to the store, cooked up something to eat, and "burned" their fingers. They have laughed hysterically, been best of friends, and threatened each other with "I'm not going to play". They have taken socks on and off, traded shoes, and pretended Hannah was their Mommy.

I shudder to think how often when my own children were small, I looked around at the toys scattered across my floor and thought of them as nothing more than a mess. To see them as jewels and treasures puts things in a whole different perspective. Though there comes a time when I want the toys picked up and put in their places, I can actually look at the "mess" and smile. What would I do without these little ones to brighten up my days?

"That's Not How Mommy Does It"

Being a Grandma is a whole lot different than being a mom. The little people God sends along "belong" to us, but not really. It is not Grandma's job to decide when Baby will start eating solids, when he will be potty trained or whether he will attend preschool. Sometimes we do things different than Mommy or Daddy. It's not because we are trying to spite them or prove our way is better, it's just because we are different people. Grandma hasn't neglected Baby because she changed his diaper less than Mommy or let him cry himself to sleep. She knows that diapers are expensive and when her own children were small, she changed diapers only when they really needed to be changed. And crying never hurt Baby, it taught him to settle himself when other tasks were calling, at least in Grandma's days as Mommy.
Grandma doesn't mind if Mommy wants to put Baby on the potty several times throughout the day, she just isn't ready to do that herself. She just found potty training less of a struggle when she waited and prefers to fight other battles right now. Grandma walks a fine line never knowing when her advice or opinion are needed, wanted, or appreciated. She's doing the best she can to do things like Mommy would, but sometimes its hard to know just what that is.

Gone to Pot(ty)

My daughter is disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm over Josh's use of the potty. She has been able to get him to go pee on the toilet several times, often three times in one day. While this is all very impressive for a 14 month old boy, I still lack the excitement my daughter had hoped to receive.
I must say that potty training has never been one of my favorite tasks and I am ever so thankful for the invention of diapers, especially disposable ones. I have also used cloth and found them great for saving money and quite effective also. Diapers, whether disposable or cloth, do a wonderful job of containing the mess and make clean up a relatively easy chore. The cost of using them has certainly been worthwhile in my opinion.
However, there comes a time in the life of every child when diapers must be set aside and underwear introduced. Some children are thrilled to now be counted a "big kid" and are as eager as Mom to get the job accomplished. Other boys and girls would rather not have their comfortable lives interrupted by inconvenience of having to use the toilet. No amount of bribing, pleading, or shaming produces positive results. Some parents even resort to corporal punishment in order that the mess be delivered in the prescribed location. I once had my sweet two year old, on the advice of a friend, rinse his own poopy undies in the toilet. Fortunately, he was as appalled as I and the event was never repeated.
As much as I would like to share my daughter's pleasure in potty training her son, I know he is a very long way from being able to use the bathroom independently. It is totally up to his mom to decide when he should need to go and even if he is aware, his ability to convey the need is limited.
In my first ten years of being a mom I potty trained four children. Each one was approximately two years old. Daytime training, though not without it's challenges, was relatively easy. Night training however was, well, a nightmare. Because my children were small and did not wake up dry, I kept them in a diaper at night. This is where I fear many parents make a mistake. When the diapers go, I now believe they should go altogether.
Between my fourth and fifth children I took on a couple of babysitting jobs. I found parents who work full time to be somewhat more relaxed in the area of toilet training. Both families I babysat for chose to wait until their children were very close to three. Both children trained in a very short span of time and both children were dry day and night. I decided then that my fifth child would wait to potty train until three years old. It worked like a charm!
So, why am I not excited? Likely because I see a very long and frustrating road ahead for both my daughter and my grandson. Potty training will happen one day, maybe well before he is three years old, but there are so many wonderful events and opportunities to enjoy between now and when that really needs to occur. I hope she doesn't miss the wonder of a one year old in the quest for being diaper free.

The Grocery Store

I hear it calling me again. Although my cupboards are full and the church is calling for a partial fast, the grocery store continues to beckon. It's those little things I run out of that trip me up and cause me once again to stumble into the "grocery store trap". Once I am inside with a cart in front of me, I can not seem to keep myself from filling it with various items we probably do not need. I think this is likely a residual effect of having raised seven children. I can not possibly buy just one or two loaves of bread, I must have at least four. The cereal aisle can not be passed by without tossing a box or two into my cart. Milk? Oh please let me take at least three gallons, I wouldn't want to have to come back in a few days! And what ever would we do if we were to run out of canned vegetables or spaghetti sauce? Never mind that there is no more room in the cupboard. Crackers! Can one ever have too many crackers? After all, Josh might come over. No, I must not enter the grocery store under any circumstances tomorrow. Yes, I am out of butter... Maybe James can bring some home... No, I'd better not do that. He has his own grocery store issues. He can not possibly leave the grocery store without a bag of chips or a half gallon of ice cream... Then again I can not possibly leave the grocery store without a cartful of groceries... What ever shall I do?

PS. Advice from Mom, always carry a camera in your purse. You never know when you might need it.

Did Somebody Say "Party"?

Looks rather like someone was hosting a celebration one one kind or another... Possibly an early birthday party? Oooo, pumpkin pie and ice cream! Now that IS special!

Do you notice that stack of plates on the table? I count at least fourteen. My advice to the local dishwasher is to clean out the kitchen cabinets and make those extra dishes not quite so easily accessible. If the same number of dinner plates, bowls, cups and saucers, and drinking glasses reside in her cupboards, she will have no end of dirty dishes for the remainder of her days. What she needs is a great big storage bucket in a dark and hidden corner of the basement, a place in which to store the excess tableware for those rare occasions when a crowd of friends or relatives invade her living space. They say "Necessity is the mother of invention". Well, it also provides a great incentive for reluctant dishwashers.