The Tulip

If you are not familiar with The Tulip Tale, you can find some background here. (The first post is from last year and will help you understand where I'm going with today's story.)

I haven't felt the same heaviness this year, but I did find myself thinking of her this past week, my beautiful salmon colored tulip. She not only survived despite the odds against her, but she was the prettiest tulip I have ever seen. She taught me about life, survival, and God's amazing ability to heal. I caught myself glancing across the yard last week, knowing I wouldn't find her yet hopeful just the same, but she was not there. She is gone now, never to return, her purpose in life complete, and yet the lessons remain.

I almost didn't go to church this morning. I know how that sounds being Easter and all, but I haven't been the last two Sundays (I was in Florida) and sometimes it's hard to go to church alone, especially on a Sunday so geared toward families. It can accentuate the loneliness of being singular, especially in a group of people I don't really know. In the end I decided to go anyway, because I knew I'd regret staying home. Diana greeted me in the sanctuary and invited me to sit with her and God provided the gift of not being entirely alone.

There was a children's moment during the service where a woman invited the children forward and she read them a book, Good News by Glenys Nellist. I smiled when on the first page there appeared a tulip praising God. There she was, my beautiful tulip, smiling at me from within a board book. "I once was lost in darkness, but now the sun I've found!"  The voice of God whispered in my ear and I knew He heard the unspoken cry of my heart. I smiled silently.

A woman gave the Easter message as is the custom of this new fellowship I've been attending. It was the women who followed Jesus and attended to His needs who were the first to proclaim the risen Christ and so a woman is given place to share the Good News on Easter morning. She delivered a beautiful message of God's love.

After the message and sharing of the Lord's Table came two final songs, words on the screen above so we could follow along. The last song, Beautiful Things, had a picture of beautiful, red tulips blooming in the background. If I ever needed confirmation of the Father's love for me, and my lost tulip being an unmistakable gift of His love... And to think I almost stayed home. I left with tears in my eyes.

I Stayed Home (Mostly)

It was a fresh, crisp autumn day, the kind where in previous years I have taken off for the woods, gone for a long drive, or perused a seasonal antique shop one last time until next year, but yesterday I chose not to wander far or long. I took a quick trip to Old Navy and Wegmans, but otherwise stayed home. We cleaned up the garage, washed and folded laundry, drank coffee, and I made stuffed shells for dinner. I purposed to set aside the anxious spirit that calls me to stay busy and enjoyed the day at home.

Late last night I pulled up Youtube and let a playlist of contemporary Christian music fill the darkness... It's been months since I soaked it in, the kind of music that makes me close my eyes, breathe deep, and raise my hands... I'm not always sure if it's a balm or a burning... I finally know, after a lifetime of not understanding, why so many wounded individuals spurn Christianity. I've been awakened to the ugly side of organized religion, the kind that ignores the injured in favor of aiding and abetting the perpetrators. They call it grace, "Amazing Grace" even... We all need grace... even perpetrators... and this is where things get messy, complicated and confusing... Those who do everything to keep the faith and hold life together, who completely spend ourselves in the process, are tossed aside as unworthy... We are left broken, wondering what else we could have done, while the others are lauded as heroes...

Am I bitter? I suppose that all depends on your interpretation, which I've found to be another curious piece of present Christianity... The injured, the reeling, those who've had the breath literally knocked out of their soul are labeled "bitter" while the offender is credited with having been "redeemed." Bitter has a completely negative connotation, and yet we are forced to swallow the bitter pill, to take the bitter medicine, and expected not to grimace or recoil...

"Changed and different..."  The church so often gives this credit to offenders, and a huge piece of me understands the premise, after all I grew up hearing the message. I haven't a clue as to whether or not he's changed, but there is no doubt today that I am changed and different. Is this no less a work of God and His redeeming power? It's playing now... "I'm no longer a slave to fear..." He has freed me to become the woman He always intended me to be. The bitter medicine is doing the work.

I Must Tell Jesus

Exhaustion can wreak havoc on emotions and I am no exception to the rule. My vacation was phenomenal. It filled my mom heart and was such a blessing, but Monday hit hard. The adrenaline has worn off and I'm tired and weepy. This too shall pass...

At my morning request for prayer, a friend suggested looking up the old hymn, "I Must Tell Jesus."

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
  Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

Exhaustion, especially mixed with words from people who mean well but aren't speaking to our situation, can leave my heart aching all over again. (It was a sermon on Youtube, not someone speaking to me directly.) I have wanted so much to DO the right thing, and struggled through the doing, and now I find myself not only wanting to do what is right, but to BE right as well. God has been there for me time and again. He has answered anguished cries and unimaginable questions, provided for my every need, and dried countless tears. I want answers not only for yesterday and today, but for tomorrow as well. God asks only that I trust Him in the moment. It sounds easy, but in reality it can feel utterly impossible.

There are no easy answers to extenuating circumstances, and there are many who will believe I have chosen a foolish or ungodly path. This too is hard, and my own pride wars within. I did not want a divorce. I did everything I could to be a godly wife and mom; prayer, submission, silence, ... denial... And in the end I walked away from everything I loved because I believe that is what God asked me to do. Many are the days I trust and believe, and then there are the days when doubts and questions fill my heart and mind, and I miss being home.

Crying is cleansing but leaves my eyes puffy and swollen, so I try not to do that too much. Tomorrow evening is my therapist appointment, and sometimes that is helpful. Especially if I cry... Mostly I covet the prayers of those who know and love me, prayers for direction and the peace that passes understanding. I find reading scripture difficult, but I know that is where the answers wait, so please pray He leads me to those verses. And thank you for loving me through everything.

Photograph of Otsego Lake in Gaylord, Michigan on Wednesday morning.

Sleep, a Storm, and a Song

It's not late, but I need to go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well and I have to be at work a half hour earlier now. Our baby room was overflowing this morning and we must stay in ratio. There were six infants by the time I punched in this morning. Theoretically, starting a half hour earlier means I'll get out a half hour earlier, but realistically, that ain't happenin'.


We're having another "winter storm." That means it's snowing and driving is nasty. I am still scratching my head and wondering why this is big news. Ever since I can remember we've had winter weather in the winter. We drove in the snow if possible, and stayed home if it was too dangerous. Okay, sometimes we stayed home.

If my praying friends are reading, we still need your prayers. I know I need to turn it all over to the One Who Holds All Things, but I don't always know how. The burden is bigger than I can carry alone and your prayers help. Thank you for lifting us up.

The song? It touched my heart many years ago. I came across it this evening and found myself touched all over again. I once sang it for a child, and today I wonder if it's really sung for me...

Oh, Lord...

Being outside in the woods always takes me aback, leaving me deep in thought... It's happened ever since I was a little girl, and especially in the fall.

When through the woods, 
and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds 
sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, 
from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, 
and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to Thee
How great thou art
How great thou art
Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art

Impressive is an understatement.

I could see myself as a child, wandering in and around those massive boulders, turning them into houses and castles, and although the terrain is certainly dangerous, it is also reminiscent of a place called Narnia. Or at least Imagination. In times past it must have been rife with children playing such hideous games as "Cowboys and Indians" or "Cops and Robbers." It'd be a perfectly splendid place for an imaginary shootout.

But I digress from my original thoughts which weren't so playful and fun... My heart is still aching as I move forward into an uncertain future.

My sister and I had no clue what we would see on Saturday's excursion, nor did we know what kind of terrain we would traverse or what we would find around the next curve or behind the next boulder. The future is always a bit uncertain, even in the most certain of times. I guess the best thing to do is to take one day at a time, get a sure footing, and keep my eyes on the path. And maybe take in the scenery as I go...

Oh, Lord, help me.

Be The Center

Jesus, be the center

Be my source, be my light,

Jesus

Jesus, be the center

Be my hope, be my song,

Jesus

Be the fire in my heart

Be the wind in these sails,

Be the reason that I live,

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision

Be my path, be my guide

Jesus

I've been knocked off center, left wobbling about and unable to get myself back where I need to be. Thankfully I have Father in Heaven who hasn't set me on a shelf and forgotten me. He knows just what is needed to get me centered once again. Please pray it happens soon.

(Kudos to the Half Naked Pottery Guy who spun a pot just for me at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival 4 years ago.) 

He Leadeth Me

Every once in a while a song from my childhood pops up and plays itself over and over in my mind. I can't recall exactly the conversation that led to the song, but I know it's been there for several days now winding it's comforting words and melody into my heart, making me thankful all over again for music my dad brought into my childhood home through his his guitar and harmonica. I can't imagine life without Dad singing. This isn't him, of course, but even so I find myself strangely drawn in...

Dad's Music

I went searching today, through drawers, cabinets, and boxes, looking for the CD that holds my father playing his guitar and harmonica. Not only had I mentioned his harmonica playing to a friend last night, but when my heart is hurting and tears sting, I find great comfort in hearing my dad play those old hymns. He can't be here in body, but he feels close when I listen to his music.



This isn't on the CD, and I've posted it before, but it's one I love too. I remember the days he would sing it when I was just a little girl, probably six or seven years old. I learned to love his music, the way he played his instruments and how he sang, but sadly, I never learned to play.

Sometimes listening to him play helps me cry, and sometimes it just calms my anxious heart and thoughts. I will be forever grateful for the gifts he left behind to  help me through hard times.

Sunday Song and Scripture

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.  

Psalm 36:7

I picked up a some used CD's at the thrift store a few months ago. This song, by Selah, has become one of my favorites. Sometimes I listen once and then play it over a time or two before letting it go on to the next.

A Tulip Tale

The sun was bright and the afternoon pleasant. I took my camera out in the backyard and was surprised to find my favorite tulip blooming. This year, for the very first time ever, I have been blessed with two blooms.

Six years ago this poor tulip was overstressed and appeared to be dying. I dug it up and moved the stemless flower to a new spot where it would no longer be trampled by dogs or set upon by cats. My heart was sad because I was fairly certain my actions were too little too late, but God wasn't finished with that flower. With a little bit of tender love, a few years time, and His gentle hands, there came a transformation.

Who would have thought a simple tulip could teach me such a valuable lesson? (Yeah, I'm getting weird on you here...) Two years ago I felt lost and overwhelmed in the midst of caring for my mom and yet there was this tulip teaching me something I didn't fully see. I even said this, "If God cares so much for flowers, He must love me too. The tulip I feared might never recover is beautiful again! Perhaps there is hope for me too. :)"

I'm not sure what happened deep inside that tulip, down in the heart of it, the place that we can't see, but I do know it has been transformed. What once looked like a hopeless, dying flower, is now full of new strength and beauty and it was nothing that the tulip did on its own.

God is changing me deep inside too. For several years I have felt dried up inside but He was working something I never could have done on my own. I was reminded yesterday afternoon of an old song written by Stuart Hamblen. "It Is No Secret" is the story of God's work in Stuart's life. Thank God He isn't finished with me.

You may have longed for added strength

Your courage to renew

Do not be disheartened

I have news for you.

 It is no secret what God can do,
What he has done for others,
He'll do for you.
With arms wide open,
He'll pardon you
It is no secret what God can do.

 

I Saw Him There

(One of those songs Dad sang... )

I gazed in awe, in wondrous adoration,
I asked myself, "Why should he come to me,
This one so pure, so holy and all gracious?
Why take my load and give me liberty?

CHORUS
I saw Him there, His hands,
In deep compassion,
Were stretched toward me.
I heard Him humbly say,
"Come unto Me, I am the resurrection,
Come unto Me, I am the Truth, the Way."

His hands were torn and in each palm there rested
A gaping hole for all the world to see.
My Lord, my God! I recognized my Savior,
It broke my heart, but He broke His for me.

He lifted me, in tender arms He bore me.
He cleansed my wounds and set me on my way.
He spoke the word, my chain was rent asunder,
Now He is mine and I am His always.

A Final Gift

 If you can stand it, a song. (No video. I left my lens cap on while it played.) It's my son and daughter singing at church the night before their grandpa passed from this world into the next. It was recorded that evening so that they could bring him a CD. He couldn't get out of bed and we knew he wouldn't be back at church to listen to them sing again. He was so proud to see and hear his grandchildren sing those old hymns. This became a final gift, of sorts. I can hear the emotion in their voices as they struggled to say goodbye to one of the most influential men in their young lives. It's my dad's testimony that helps me hang on when I get overwhelmed and discouraged. Although his faith may have wavered in his younger days, it held strong at the end.

Suppertime

No internet for most of the day. Not only did Time Warner Cable have an outage, but we inadvertently forget to reattach one of our computer cables which didn't help the situation any. oops. No harm done. I spent some time this morning looking through computer files and folders and, quite hidden away, discovered a folder containing the tracks from my father memorial service almost five years ago. It was timely. I decided to record a video of my mother's photo with my kids singing in the background. Not professional at all, and yes, the music is speeding up as the song progresses, in my mind I want to slow them down...,  but it's sweet just the same.

On Coming Home

It will be worth it all when we see Jesus,

Life's trials will seem so small when we see Christ;

One glimpse of His dear face all sorrow will erase,

So bravely run the race till we see Christ.

Coming home from vacation has been tough for me. The lifting of emotional and mental stresses was so profound, that working back into the groove of "normal" life has proven to be a challenge. You just might say I've been a little bit on the cranky side. (Okay, I've been a lot on the cranky side... ) Quite honestly, I could have stayed away for weeks and been perfectly content. This is me being honest. I'm having a hard time with this season of life and I often find myself feeling panicky.

They say one day it will will be worth it all, but it's hard to see that day from here. Instead I live with unspoken thoughts, fears, and feelings, and find myself searching desperately for an escape hatch that doesn't exist.

What I really need to do is pick up my 1000 Gifts Journal again. I need to list all those seeming insignificant blessings that God sprinkles into each and every day of my life; cherry trees in bloom, sunlight on barn boards, and green chile powder. I need a tangible record of God's hand in my life; faces on tree trunks, a yard full of tulips, a Minnesota wedding, and meeting my friend Kristina.

If I am honest, I am more than blessed. I have every reason in the world to be grateful, and should be ashamed that I am often not.This is a God-given struggle I face. He knows what is best for me and through all of the difficulty, He is still there (another reason to be thankful). He knows what I need, and He will provide a time of escape.

Another blessing? The lesson of my favorite tulip. If God cares so much for flowers, He must love me too. The tulip I feared might never recover is beautiful again! Perhaps there is hope for me too. :)

PS. Click on that tree photo and check out his face.

Daddy-O

Today would have been my dad's 81st birthday. It's hard to believe he's been gone over three years now. Just thinking about him can still make my eyes sting and my throat tighten up, but I know he wouldn't want us to live our lives in constant grief, and most days I am able to smile a the memories and thank God for the gift of an incredibly wonderful dad. He was one of the best! No doubt I will miss him until we meet again.

The Mind of Christ

May The Mind of Christ My Savior 

    words by Kate B. Wilkinson

May the mind of Christ, my Savior, Live in me from day to day,

By His love and power controlling All I do and say.

May the Word of God dwell richly In my heart from hour to hour,

So that all may see I triumph Only through His power.

May the peace of God my Father Rule my life in everything,

That I may be calm to comfort Sick and sorrowing.

May the love of Jesus fill me As the waters fill the sea;

Him exalting, self abasing, This is victory.

May I run the race before me, Strong and brave to face the foe,

Looking only unto Jesus As I onward go.

May His beauty rest upon me, As I seek the lost to win,

And may they forget the channel, Seeing only Him.

 Each week in church someone shares special music. This week our regular piano player shared an old hymn. The familiar words and music, transported me back through the years to the days of my childhood at the Webster Christian Reformed Church. I was a little girl once again, sitting between my parents, at the close of a morning service, singing the song and tucking the words and melody away in my heart.

A song not so unlike "Take My Life and Let It Be", this too is a prayer, a prayer to be more like Christ; a prayer to deny self and follow Him.As I listened to the melody and read the words in the hymn book this morning, I wondered if God had planned it just for me; a bit of encouragement after last night's post.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Philippians 2:6

At the Controls

Take My Life and Let It Be
Frances R. Havergal, 1874

Take my life and let it be Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,Always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days,Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be Ever, only, all for Thee.

I've posted this song before, ...twice before, but I'm not there yet. As much as I want this to be the song of my heart, my flesh still longs to have control. Instead of being totally willing to give everything to Jesus, I am more like the rich, young ruler who walked away sorrowful. It is a sobering thought. Perhaps that is why the song writer penned the words, "Take my will and make it Thine..." It's a common struggle, this war against the flesh. Even the Apostle Paul struggled and that is why he wrote, "For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice" (Romans 7:19) and "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death" (Romans 7:24)

Whether it's taking care of small children or caring for my mom, deep inside I know there is a task more important, a calling much higher, and a priority greater than most of the trivial tasks I think I'd like to pursue. Maybe one day it will be easier to let it all go.

S is for Song

S is for songs and singing.

Although I don't consider myself especially musical, I did grow up in a home where music was central. My dad learned to play harmonica as a small boy. He had a grandpa who played also, and they spent many hours playing together. As a teen Dad learned to play the guitar and so our home was constantly blessed with song.


I recall, even as a child, wondering about the day when Dad's instruments would be silent. It was hard to imagine a world without Dad's harmonica singing. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a handful of old cassette tapes that bring his voice and instruments back to life.

(You can find the words to the song here.)
 
For more ABC Wednesday fun, click here.

Sunday Scripture

 The name of the LORD [is] a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe.    Proverbs 18:10

Your Name (Paul Baloche)

As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

Take My Life, and Let It Be

This song has been on my mind for some time now. It has long been a favorite and a prayer of my heart, yet I still struggle with how to live the words. "Take my moments and my days..." I am learning how to let them go, still stubborn and holding on much of the time, but making progress. When I find myself grumbling, the Lord gently brings the words back to mind.

Take my life, and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to thee;
take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move
at the impulse of thy love;
take my feet, and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing
always, only, for my King;
take my lips, and let them be
filled with messages from thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold;
take my intellect, and use
every power as thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it thine;
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart, it is thine own;
it shall be thy royal throne.

Take my love; my Lord, I pour
at thy feet its treasure store;
take my self, and I will be
ever, only, all for thee.