Proverbs 23:22

Listen to your father who begot you,
And do not despise your mother when she is old.
Proverbs 23:22

Spilled Water

“If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.”

~ Amy Carmichael

I rolled my eyes at the inconvenience and heaved a sigh of irritation. It wasn't a really a big deal and the offender took no notice, but continued instead to be a puddle of icy, cold snow water on the kitchen floor. It was only me who was bothered by the incident. No matter that I had actually been the one who did the stepping. In actuality, I was the offender, not the small amount of snow tracked into my kitchen on the bottom of someone's boot or shoe. The snow had been doing only what God made it to do, melt with rising temperatures. I could have been grateful, for it's presence indicates that my home is warm and cozy, but instead I grumbled at the cold, wet spot on my sock. I could have taken opportunity to smile, sit down in my blue chair with a cup of hot coffee, and put my feet up on a stool in front of the wood stove. My sock would have dried in a few minutes time. I could have turned the moment into a visit with my Lord and Savior, but instead my Bible sat, waiting and unread, on the dining room table.

And what of those I love? How often do I look upon them as I looked upon this puddle of ice water? When did I forget to take each and every opportunity and use it for the glory of the One who died in my place? Have I ever learned to do such a thing? Can He, will He, help me do just that? Only if I make myself willing and available. The real question is, will I?

He Knows

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.
Hebrews 12:12-13

There is nothing quite like the voice of God to take one's focus off self and onto others. I have continued to struggle with my thoughts and feelings of late. They aren't what they need to be and I am hurting only myself, yet I can't seem to get past them and on to where I should be. As I looked at Jasmine's zigzag pattern of tracks through the yard yesterday, I thought it just a little like me. Not quite sure where I'm headed, tending to shift my focus often, and stumbling headlong as I go. I'm glad God knows how to gently shift my gaze back in the right direction without knocking me over.

I left a very short note for an old friend this afternoon, actually she is more of an acquaintance and I haven't had any contact with her for years. I was surprised to find a return message, one asking prayer for a hurting heart. God knows His children. He knows when we need a shoulder to cry on or a word of encouragement. He sends His love and care packaged in the words or touch of a fellow child. I have had Him touch me in such a way and have found Him use me when I least expected it. Tonight "J" is on my heart. I pray the Lord will wrap His loving arms around her in such a way that she feels His unmistakable presence and finds comfort in His touch.

Take My Life, and Let It Be

This song has been on my mind for some time now. It has long been a favorite and a prayer of my heart, yet I still struggle with how to live the words. "Take my moments and my days..." I am learning how to let them go, still stubborn and holding on much of the time, but making progress. When I find myself grumbling, the Lord gently brings the words back to mind.

Take my life, and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to thee;
take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move
at the impulse of thy love;
take my feet, and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing
always, only, for my King;
take my lips, and let them be
filled with messages from thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold;
take my intellect, and use
every power as thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it thine;
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart, it is thine own;
it shall be thy royal throne.

Take my love; my Lord, I pour
at thy feet its treasure store;
take my self, and I will be
ever, only, all for thee.

A New Year

Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." Revelation 21:5

Sometimes it takes a long time and a lot of work to make something, or someone, new. I know this because God has been working on my heart for a long time. Yes, He made me a new creature the moment I gave my heart and life to Him, I was justified immediately, but the sanctification part is an ongoing work and it takes a bit of cooperation on my part.

A few years back I prayed that God would scrape the dirt from the hidden corners of my heart and He has continued answering that prayer to this day. He knows exactly how much "cleaning" to do before it's time to give me a break, and He knows exactly which tools to use to get the job done. Now if only I can remember that He is the One bringing these "tests and trials" into my life and that they are really for my benefit and not total frustration.

If I am honest, I must admit that the past two months with my mom have been an "adjustment." There are challenging moments for each of us, moments when we must practice the art of setting our own wants aside and putting the wants and needs of someone else first. Unfortunately, this doesn't quite come naturally as I can be as selfish as the next guy. (Kathy, I'm still working on it.) I need constant reminders and thankfully, God is good at bringing those into my life. They come in the form of encouragement from friends and strangers alike, programs on the radio (thank you, James), and a book handed me by a friend who had no idea how applicable those written words would be. Incredibly, the issue I am struggling with often happens to be the very one that appears on the page precisely when I need it. I have been reading "Having a Mary Spirit" for over two months now and I continue to be amazed at God's timing. Isn't He awesome?

Bits and Pieces

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7

Little by little, bit by bit...

We are sorting through belongings, packing boxes, and saying good bye. We are "letting go of things, and holding on to the memories." Actually, we are mostly packing things into boxes to store away, just in case... I find I am also sorting through feelings and emotions, slipping them into folders, and attempting to discard the hurts I find along the way. They litter the trail and block the path. They are obstacles which must be removed, obstacles I find impossible to discard on my own initiative. I need help from someone bigger and wiser than me. Sometimes I remember to cry out to Him, and other times I forget and attempt to make it on my own. I find the latter an exhausting exercise.

I have been slowly reading "Having a Mary Spirit: Allowing God to Change Us From the Inside Out" by Joanna Weaver and am amazed once again how God can address the needs of my heart and spirit from the pages of a book. I would never have picked the book up on my own, it was handed to me by a friend at my Tuesday Ladies' Prayer group. Somehow it made her think of me. I know it was really the Lord whispering in her ear, and I am grateful. One of the parts I loved was where she told of her grandmother's death. After the funeral, her brother, her sister, and herself sat down to talk and the brother apologized to his sisters for being Grandma Nora's favorite. The girls were both astounded as each one was sure that they had been the favored grandchild. Oh, to be the favorite! Or at least feel as if I were. Oh, to have my own children, grandchildren, and "flowers" each feel as though they were my favorite. I pray this is something the Lord can work into my heart and life, to make each person I meet feel so treasured that there is no question as to whether or not I love them.

Lost at Sea

I'm not sure when I was last so lost in a sea of unfamiliar thoughts and emotions. I suppose that this is the way of life sometimes. There are periods when we are unsure of what to do and even more unsure of the outcome. I desperately want a voice from heaven to tell me what is the right thing, but I know God doesn't work that way. All I can do is reach out for Him and pray that His is the hand I am holding.

I have answered many questions during the past two weeks, hard questions, questions that cause me to step back and reexamine my own heart. They are questions that made me uncomfortable the first time around, and it is probable that I will be asked to answer those same questions again today, or maybe tomorrow, when Mom either forgets she already asked or isn't quite sure of the answer. Each time I groan inside, not because of her, but because the answer is so difficult to start with.

I am not in a state of deep depression or anything, just cautious and contemplative, trying to sort thoughts and do the right thing, but never entirely sure what that is. Bethany came over to make pies on Wednesday. We had a house full of people. My little flowers were present. Josh was bouncing around. Dave had come with Simon and Lucas while Leta went to clean my cousin's house (he pulled a muscle in his back the other day), and Hannah had a friend over. Grandma never came into the kitchen until it was close to supper time. I don't know whether the activity throws her off or if she just rolls with it like she always has. It's hard to tell and I am not an asker of questions. When Dave took the boys home and my little garden was asleep, the house was actually quiet. It was a busy, productive day. We made 18 pies plus used up some of the leftover dough for a chicken pot pie. We ate that for supper and it was yummy!

Enjoy my bouncing boys below. See? We really are still smiling.

A Long and Winding Road

This week has already brought about as much as I can bear. There have been many tears and much heart ache. There has been a searching of the soul and a testing of the spirit. In the stress of these situations, communication often breaks down and there are words and actions on both parts that have been either misunderstood or simply unnecessary. I know God is in the midst, changing me and growing me in ways I never imagined. I only wish it wasn't so painful. I pray the worst is over and there are brighter days ahead. I hope I have learned something in the process.This morning all I could do was wrap my arms around my daughter in law and cry. There is a healing balm in tears.

PS. My Uncle Chuck came through his surgery which included a triple bypass. He is now in the hospital recovering. Thank you for your prayers.

Too Much To Take

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Ever felt like life was just too much? Too many things weighing you down? Got a burden you just can't bear? Maybe you have taken on more than you could handle?

James and I like to walk way back into the orchard. It gives us a chance to be alone, to talk, and to share our hearts with each other. When we moved here nearly ten years ago the orchards were filled with old apple trees; gnarly, yet majestic, old, yet fruitful. Walking back into the orchard was like stepping back in time to a day when life was simpler and folks were a little bit closer to God and nature. There was a certain calm and peace that couldn't quite be explained.

In recent years many of the old trees have been removed and replaced with new stock. This is the way of life. The torch is always passed from one generation to the next, but we're finding this next crop of trees to be struggling.


These trees are meant to be small and bear as much fruit, or nearly as much, as the older varieties. Because of their size, more trees can be planted in the same amount of acreage, at least that is how I understand it. The problem is the trees, though expected to stand up, aren't always able to do so. It is not at all uncommon to find them sprawled on the ground, covered with the fruit that so obviously is the cause of their struggle.

The sad thing is that I can see a correlation between these poor trees and people. Whether it be sports, education, or other responsibilities, many of us just aren't able to bear the load. We drag and droop, we struggle and sag, and sometimes we break. We often carry a load we were never designed to bear...

I am thankful for a God who knows just how much I am able to bear, and when the burdens grow too heavy, He is there to carry them.

One Year Ago...

It has been a full year since Dad crossed the finish line. I have not been feeling particularly melancholy, but it has been on my mind. I suppose there will be more firsts without him yet to come, but we have now already faced the major events. Maybe my biggest fear is that I will allow those thoughts and feeling from last years to dissipate. I want to hold them in my heart for the rest of my life and never forget the lessons I learned. I want to pass them on to my children and grandchildren and I want to one day face my own mortality with the same determination that my father did. I want to keep my eyes on Jesus as he did and have full confidence that all is in His control. I want my last words to my family to be those of encouragement in the faith. Last year I said he was a hero, and though he may not agree, he will always remain a hero to me.

I stopped at the store this morning and bought a card. I wanted my mom to know she is in my thoughts today. I want her to know that she is loved and treasured. I want her to be assured that we intend to take care of her and are honored to do so. On my way out of the store I bought a Mylar balloon with butterflies on it. It said "Thinking of you." I know Lucas will want to claim it as his own, and I'm pretty sure she'll share it, but I hope it makes her smile.

Peace

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Looking Forward

Completing a task brings a sense of relief. I am relieved tonight. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and, though there is a touch of sadness, I am satisfied with the events of the evening. We gathered at the cemetery, prayed together, shared some thoughts and scriptures, and sang a song; "Abide With Me" (of course).

The Time Machine

Where did the time go? What does God do with this collection of years? Does He keep them in a bottle? Is there a journal of my life reserved somewhere in the annals of time? I'm finding myself sentimental tonight...

It was this photo that did it. Only a few years have passed since I was a little girl sitting on the couch next to this woman I called "mommy." It wasn't so long ago I placed my tiny newborn son into her arms for the very first time. It seems just yesterday she cooked up a batch of Boston brown bread for Thanksgiving dinner. When did she grow old? How did it happen?

The sands of time are slipping though the hour glass. Eleven years ago my Grandpa was dying. I went to visit him in the hospital. I came into the room and when he saw me he said, "Oh, there you are!" I almost wondered if he thought I was someone else... "Don't go too far," he told me. I have often reflected back on that night and thought "we're not too far behind."

I looked in the mirror today. I didn't see "old" yet, just "more mature." There are days when I certainly feel old and days, like today, when I am just plain tired. Today slipped by all too fast too. It was busy and full of "little flowers." I sure hope we get into a good schedule soon. I can't go without a nap every day! Okay, so maybe I am getting old. :)

The Tackle Box

Lest anyone think I may have gone completely over the edge, I am here to assure you I am really okay. Life just dishes up tests and trials which must be tackled and dealt with. This is what we are doing. It is a relief to know that God is control when circumstances appear to be out of ours.

Not long ago I asked God to make me a prayer warrior. I think He is answering that prayer and for this I am thankful. There is no better way to tackle life's troubles than to pray, and there is no better way to get us on our knees than a trial.

A Nudge in a New Direction

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

God is at work again. My heart is hurting and I want to go into my room and have a good long cry, but I am not undone. I choose to trust the Lord is moving in my life and the lives of those around me. I believe that if life never brought us pain or discomfort we would be content to stay right where we are at. He does not choose to leave us to ourselves but rather to work in our lives, to mold and shape us, and to make us a little more like Him every day.

When God moved Joseph to Egypt, there was pain. When God moved the Children of Israel out of Egypt, there was pain. The pain resulted in action, the action brought about change. In the same way God works in the lives of His children today. Tonight I hurt. In the days to come that pain will bring about an action, and that action will move me and those I love a little closer to where God wants us to be.

Yes, there are times when I feel overwhelmed, there are times when I am just plain tired, and there are times when I am sure I can't take another step, but He is with me. When moving forward seems impossible, He is there to carry me and I can rest by putting my trust in Him.

Losing My Marbles

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

If you are familiar with the game of Chinese Checkers, you will understand that in the middle of the game one can feel slightly overwhelmed and helpless, especially if there are more than two colors moving across the board. There is little place to go and a move, even in the right direction, won't get you very far. The best laid plans often come to naught and thinking ahead often appears fruitless. I find this a little bit like life. Here in the middle, I am never quite sure what to expect or what tomorrow may bring, but I know the One who does. I know He is with me. He has the game strategy planned out and no move from the opposition leaves Him surprised or wondering what to do. He is teaching me patience, and I think maybe I am finally starting to learn. So long as I keep moving forward I will eventually reach the goal and all my marbles will be right where they belong. At least I hope so.

Rounding the Bend

Life is a circle of sorts. We are born needing the help of others and one day, if we live long enough, we find ourselves in that position once again...

My brain is tired from thinking and I have come to the conclusion that actually doing something is probably much less exhausting than endlessly mulling over the options. (Quite honestly, I want to spin the clock backward, to have both my parents in the little house in Webster, and to know that everything is right again, but that is not to be.) We can only move forward, going back is not allowed and so we round the bend.

Though my mother is far from "helpless," it is clear to us that she is in need of help. We all want to help her, to show her our love, to give back just a small portion of what she and Dad gave to us through the years. The task of moving her seems insurmountable, not because she is difficult to move, but because moving her means moving a lifetime of memories also. What do we with a house full of memories?

Here at our house we have cleaned out "the room." It needs a carpet, a window shade, and some doors for privacy... Will she be willing to come? Can she navigate the steps to take a shower several times each week? Will we need to put a shower in "the room" instead? What of her belongings do we move in? Will she be happy here? Does she know how much we love her and count this a privilege?

Yes, life is a journey full of twists, turns, and sudden stops . There are bumps and bruises along the way and unexpected detours. Sometimes I feel a little lost in unfamiliar territory but I am not alone. God has given me a Guidebook and fellow travelers to help me along the way. I'm so glad I'm not in this alone.

A Little Bit of Hope

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13

My husband's alarm goes off a bit earlier than I choose to rise in the morning. I lay in bed this morning listening to the voice on the other side of the radio. It was David Jeremiah preaching on hope. I have been pondering it all day long.

Hope...

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5

How do I pass hope on to those around me, those whose lives touch mine? I will be thinking on this for some time to come.

Coloring Books

She shall be brought to the King in robes of many colors;
Psalm 45:14

Yesterday, while out running errands, Em and I took a minute to stop in the Dollar Tree and look for some coloring books. We found some she really liked and left the store with several Strawberry Shortcake books and one Sesame Street book. I think she has colored at least a dozen pictures of dancing darlings in pretty dresses in the last two days. She is doing a great job!

I've noticed a new box of crayons and a fresh coloring book have a way of magically transporting me back in time...

I am once again a little girl of eight or nine. My sisters and I have gathered around the dining room table, new coloring books spread before us. We take turns pawing through the old fruitcake tin of crayons in the center of the table, each new color bringing a new breath of life to the black and white drawings. I choose some of my favorite colors; orange-red, green-blue, and orange yellow. (These days they have fancier names like scarlet, teal, and dandelion.) On the best nights Mom and Dad will sit beside us and take a book too, encouraging our efforts by word and example. Mom's pictures are bright and beautiful, while Dad turns simple crayons into paintbrushes.

Hannah and I thumbed through fresh new coloring books. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends smiled at us, each one begging for a bit of color. I had purchased several new boxes of crayons to go along with the books. I never color a picture without thinking of my dad. As I layer the colors, add highlights, and redden the cheeks of smiling children, I see my father doing the same. Even my own children have the tendency to turn their colorings into a painted masterpieces. I think I may be making a return trip for more new crayons and coloring books before I know it!

Time Heals All Wounds?

My burn is healing. Ugly and wrinkled as it is, it is looking better each day and I fear breaking the blister less and less. I even slept without worrying last night. I've been putting Bacitracin on the open wound and leaving the blister to the air. So far it appears to be working. Why the rest of my hand is looking so scaly is another good question. Guess I need to drink several gallons of water. I look dehydrated.

They say time heals all wounds and in some ways the statement is very true, but wounds often either leave scars or impressions that are with us for a lifetime. In another few weeks my father's cancer diagnosis will be a year old. This has left a wound that continues to weep. It is nothing I fret over continuously and I have no regrets, I only miss my dad. His passing has left a hole that, plain and simple, can not be filled by any other human being. There is much that he left behind and yet much has been lost with his passing. As a family we continue to work through decisions without Dad's counsel and input. There are so many things I want to ask him, so many things we neglected to discuss not realizing our time was to be cut short.

Dave and Leta will soon begin the search for new living quarters, and this will leave us to decide again what is best for Mom. Everyone seems to have a slightly different perspective on the question leaving us at times in a quandary. Or maybe it is just me that feels this way...