I Stayed Home (Mostly)

It was a fresh, crisp autumn day, the kind where in previous years I have taken off for the woods, gone for a long drive, or perused a seasonal antique shop one last time until next year, but yesterday I chose not to wander far or long. I took a quick trip to Old Navy and Wegmans, but otherwise stayed home. We cleaned up the garage, washed and folded laundry, drank coffee, and I made stuffed shells for dinner. I purposed to set aside the anxious spirit that calls me to stay busy and enjoyed the day at home.

Late last night I pulled up Youtube and let a playlist of contemporary Christian music fill the darkness... It's been months since I soaked it in, the kind of music that makes me close my eyes, breathe deep, and raise my hands... I'm not always sure if it's a balm or a burning... I finally know, after a lifetime of not understanding, why so many wounded individuals spurn Christianity. I've been awakened to the ugly side of organized religion, the kind that ignores the injured in favor of aiding and abetting the perpetrators. They call it grace, "Amazing Grace" even... We all need grace... even perpetrators... and this is where things get messy, complicated and confusing... Those who do everything to keep the faith and hold life together, who completely spend ourselves in the process, are tossed aside as unworthy... We are left broken, wondering what else we could have done, while the others are lauded as heroes...

Am I bitter? I suppose that all depends on your interpretation, which I've found to be another curious piece of present Christianity... The injured, the reeling, those who've had the breath literally knocked out of their soul are labeled "bitter" while the offender is credited with having been "redeemed." Bitter has a completely negative connotation, and yet we are forced to swallow the bitter pill, to take the bitter medicine, and expected not to grimace or recoil...

"Changed and different..."  The church so often gives this credit to offenders, and a huge piece of me understands the premise, after all I grew up hearing the message. I haven't a clue as to whether or not he's changed, but there is no doubt today that I am changed and different. Is this no less a work of God and His redeeming power? It's playing now... "I'm no longer a slave to fear..." He has freed me to become the woman He always intended me to be. The bitter medicine is doing the work.