Folding Up 2019

I'm spending this New Year's Eve alone. I did get an invitation to Ovid from my sister Priscilla, but the weather looked formidable and my body was tired and achy. Inside I desperately wanted to go, but instead I took two ibuprofen, bought myself a coffee, and headed for home. I could have gone out to Williamson with Hannah and Sergio, she offered, but somehow I felt the need to stay here. My thoughts have vacillated between worry that being alone might make me weepy, and feeling confidently okay with the solitude. Reality has been a little of both, and that's okay.

2019 will be forever remembered as the year I pushed our divorce through. We started mediation with the county in May of 2018, but I honestly didn't have the strength to go through with finality until this past summer. It was something I had to do, not something I wanted.

Ours are issues shrouded in secrecy. I have carried shame on all sides, shame that is not mine to carry, and I have kept secrets too, but my arms are tired... There have been not only boundary crossings, but fences shredded, ... and family members along with them. Abuse is ugly and I am finally drawing the line. Maybe in many ways it's too late, but I still have to do it. It is imperative. And it has been excruciating.

Thankfully, I have a God and Savior who has never left me alone. He has not only preserved my parents' home as a refuge for me, but He gave me a song to drive the point home (Who You Say I Am). He has answered my prayers, lavished affection upon me in the form of little children, and provided for all my needs. My heart aches, but I know He loves me. He loves all of us.

It has been a hard year, but a good year as well. I am finding a new freedom in being me, and I'm learning to love the me I am.