Disappointment

Dark, frigid mornings result in an overwhelming desire to delay dragging myself out of bed and down to the shower. As much as I love my job, and deem it worthy of every effort, I long for more than long days in a daycare center and busy weekends...

Last night found me at the pottery studio once again. There I found two friends, both glazing their work, and I had come to do the same. I glazed several figures I'd sculpted before Thanksgiving. On the finished glaze shelf was a piece glazed a week ago. I was less than pleased with how the glaze fired and found myself inspired to call it "Disappointment". In reality, disappointment is an understatement. Devastated is more accurate descriptor, though that has nothing to do with the glaze.

Someone who loves me relayed their hope that I would be able to find my "new normal" but I had just endured a weekend of emotional upheaval and the exchange was too much to bear. I couldn't stop the torrent of tears. My heart was broken all over again. If I had only myself to think of the pain might still be unbearable, but I have seven children, five with spouses, and a dozen (and more) grandchildren. How and where do I find a "new" normal when I'm not even sure what normal is?

On the other side of darkness is the light. When I came to live with my daughter and her family in my childhood home, I felt alone and out of place. It's taken two years, a few pieces of heirloom furniture, and some bright autumn colors to lure me out of hiding. I don't spend every evening alone in my attic bedroom anymore, conversation with Sergio comes easier, and the place I've always known as home feels like it again.

I don't know if life will ever feel normal. Then again, perhaps there is an adventure awaiting. Maybe. Well, .... there could be.