Thursday, March 09, 2023

Mediocrity, and Bucket Lists

I've come to the not-so-very-surprising conclusion that I have settled for mediocrity. In an effort to be content, which is a good thing, I have not chased after my own goal and ambitions, which is a bad thing. Rather than keeping my eyes on the goals, I have lost sight of them altogether, if I ever had my sights on them in the first place.

What did I want to be when I was a little girl? Was I ever encouraged to be anything other than a wife and mother? What DOES my heart desire? So many questions and so very few answers...

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I am checking doctor appointments off my list; physical, mammogram, gynecologist... (Once upon a time I kept up with doctor appointments and then our insurance became to expensive to maintain and we went without for years.) I'm told it's time for a colonoscopy, and I have a number to call but haven't set up the appointment yet. Maybe tomorrow. I saw the OB/GYN today. He's the same guy that delivered my last two babies and was my doctor for the last four. His hair used to be brown. Now it short and white... It's been about 36 years since I first started seeing him. He wants me to have an ultrasound so I'm adding an unexpected appointment to the list.

I should probably find a new dentist too. The dentist terrifies me. I literally cry when it's time to go. (I once went nearly 20 years without going... Now it's been  probably six.) I still have all my teeth, so there's that. 

The hair... It's long. I haven't had it cut in over a year. Almost a year and a half. My sweet, beautiful hair dresser passed away just after Christmas. I drove an hour to have Amanda cut my hair. She was worth the drive, always smiling, always encouraging, always making me feel beautiful... Amanda. Forever beautiful, forever young, forever missed. Maybe someday I'll get my hair cut again, but it isn't in the plan anytime soon.

One of my sons can cross "have my car stolen" off his bucket list. Ugh! I saw the door cam video. They smashed the back window, climbed in and drove away. Just like that. Yup, it was a Kia. Makes my heart hurt. The bright spot is he took his basket of dirty laundry back inside the house last night "for some reason."


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8 comments:

  1. Patricia5:45 AM, March 10, 2023

    Hi Martha, your long hair is beautiful. There is no need to cut it at all :) I hear you about all the necessary medical appointments. During the pandemic I have become behind in mine too and am trying to catch up. Dentistry has been forgotten for too long, I realised I did not like the dentist I was seeing, and on a friend's recommendation have found a new lady dentist. Such a difference, and she fixed a problem almost without any pain at all. I finally saw an Immunologist yesterday, after years of delays. It might be helpful in the future. So sorry about the stolen car, it is a depressing event. We are always mothers, and feel the hurt. I was raised to be a wife and mother too, and drifted into an unsuitable avenue of employment after school. Only late in life did I study, got a degree in Art History, and now work as a tour guide in our State gallery - as a volunteer! Much better.

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    1. Martha5:37 PM, March 10, 2023

      Oh, Patricia, being a tour guide sounds like a fabulous job! How fun!!! My son's car was found, but they didn't simply steal it. They had to have the fun of crashing it besides. Sadly his Gap insurance lapsed and his insurance company will only pay what the car is "worth" not what he owes. So infuriating.

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  2. photowannabe12:23 PM, March 10, 2023

    Self assessment is always good..I'm with you on not being up to date on the medical issues and especially the dental ones....trying to be a "good girl" but not very successful.
    Love your long hair. I need to get a perm so badly but the cost is too prohibitive for us right now...hence I look like a homeless person too often.
    Sue

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    1. photowannabe12:24 PM, March 10, 2023

      Opps I forgot to say so sorry about your sons car. I just can't understand people's mentality about things that aren't theirs.
      Sue

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    2. Martha5:52 PM, March 10, 2023

      It's really disappointing how callous and cold people can be. Most of these thefts are committed by juveniles who have little to nothing to lose even if they get caught. It's an adrenaline rush for them from smashing out the windows to driving away to totally the entire vehicle. Such a waste.

      Self assessment, yes. Something like "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I'm learning every day and I am grateful.

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    3. Martha5:53 PM, March 10, 2023

      Totaling

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  3. Rachel9:21 PM, March 11, 2023

    Glad you're taking care of yourself. I've never had a colonoscopy, but with Medishare it would cost us a bundle...

    I'm still so shocked that Amanda died so young and pretty suddenly. So sad. She was such a beautiful young mom and wife. My heart aches for Angel.

    I hadn't had my hair cut in a long time either, until today. My hairdresser switched occupations, and I didn't know where to go. I saw a patient with beautiful hair and asked her where she went. I parted with 4 inches today. Now I look like a boy. (jk)

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    1. Martha8:35 PM, March 12, 2023

      Ha ha! You could never look like a boy! I have ideas for hair dressers.

      Amanda... Yeah, so sad.

      I've avoided going to the doctor for years and years. The dentist is the hard one.

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