After work I went back to the pottery studio to find my pieces. I had a hard time finding them. It's a look and look kind of game. Find something vaguely familiar looking and turn it over to check for a name. I almost gave up before I hit gold. Seven smallish bowls of varying sizes and shades. (There are nine here because I found two on Monday.)
It's complicated. I told the first friend that she really didn't know my family well enough to offer her observations. The second I told that it wasn't about feeling sorry for myself. I also said I can't tell her the reasons, but I do appreciate her prayers. I know there are plenty of other well-intentioned people who are sure they know what I should be doing, but they do not live in my skin or wear my shoes. They have not lived my life, they do not love the Cabinetmaker or my children like I do, and they do not know them as I either. They are not really qualified to know the cries of my heart, and truthfully, sometimes discerning my heart is difficult for me. Thankfully, God knows.
The house in this next photo looks like the Peavy Rd house to me, the one where they took photos of family sitting on the front porch. It was the place my dad visited when he was a little boy and has long since succumbed to the elements of time. I don't even know where it once stood and Peavy Rd. isn't telling.
I spent most of yesterday in bed. At one point I popped my camera card into my camera and grabbed a pair of socks, but I just couldn't bring myself to go outside, and climbed back into bed instead. The Cabinetmaker came over and brought me NyQuil and chicken soup. We cried together. Healing comes slowly and a little at a time...
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The food was good and for the first time in forever, my kids did all the work, but it wasn't the kind of celebration I'd been looking forward to early in the year... I hate the brokenness but I don't know how to get back to it not being so. Will we ever be okay?
It's an entirely gorgeous late autumn day outside. It would have been a good day for a stroll in the little strip of woods we played in a little people. Maybe I'll feel better in an hour or two and venture outside.
I jumped out of bed, but it took my brain a minute to decide what to do. No time to shower or make coffee... I threw on some clothes, grabbed my hairbrush and allergy medicine, and hurried downstairs. There was half a cup of coffee in my French press and five inches of snow covering my car. (Thank you to my husband who not only changed my tires on Saturday, but bought me a new snow brush/ice scraper. I needed them today.) Under the heaped up snow was a thin layer of ice, as if waking up late wasn't enough.
Many are the moments when emotions buried deep within rise to the surface. I don't always know how to respond to my own heart... Most often the need to cry is stifled and only a few tears leak through. The heart aches, but the mind and body must keep moving forward. There is no time to wallow in sadness and sorrow even if it feels profoundly necessary.
I wish for this trial to be over, to have emerged unscathed on the other side, but the scars and scathings are what teach us life's biggest and most important lessons. They have the ability to create within a stronger, bolder sense of purpose and direction if not allowed to crush us completely. I am not crushed, but I feel the pressure, sometimes light and tolerable, and at other moments massive and unmanageable. The hardest thing is knowing that each and every member of my family is attempting to navigate their way through this mass of tangles.
One of those I know has been sent home. No chance to hug his wife or children. No chance to hold his mother or shake his father's hand. No kiss on the cheek, no wave of the hand... No goodbyes, and certainly no "See you laters."
I am making new discoveries about myself and those I love, struggling to heal and grow, and learning to live life differently from the past. It's almost like learning to play a new game, except it's real life instead.
* My wheel thrown pottery class is almost done. Saturday I put the finishing touches on my last pieces to be fired. They will need to be glazed and then I can bring them home. What will I do next? I have an idea or two.
* I am learning and growing. Learning and growing is hard.
We woke up to snow yesterday morning. And bitter cold. The temperature dropped 30 degrees overnight and left us scrambling for mittens and snow scrapers. I wanted my own photo memory but the back of my camera flashed "change battery pack" and I couldn't find the backup pack at the time, so I am stealing a picture from that sweet daughter of mine.
It was not a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day or anything, but I did burn the sauce at lunch time and that was not super terrific. It was not a winning lunch, but it was lunch none the less. I didn't hear anyone complain (through the closed kitchen door, exhaust fan running, water gushing...). Early into the fiasco I decided not to panic. My only choice at saving the lunch was to get the meatballs out of the sauce before the taste of burnt tomatoes permeated everything. Perhaps I succeeded, or perhaps they didn't know the difference. One great failure out of the last couple months is not so very bad, right?
The morning started cold and frosty. Had to let the engine run a little to defrost my windshield and took s few photos while I waited. And a few more on the way to work. They don't do the morning's beauty justice. It was a stunning ride to work. I try to soak it in as I drive.
I told you that Seven turned three, but did I tell you Nine is one? He loved his cake!
Nine had a great little birthday celebration for his first birthday on the 27th of October and had two birthday songs. One sung in English and another in Spanish. How cool is that?
November 1- I am thankful for those crazy, naughty, noisy, sweet, and funny babies at work. I love them all! (Of course, I can't take pictures at work, so you get a couple of my crazy, naughty, noisy, sweet and funny grandchildren instead. Numbers Eight and Nine, in case you were wondering.)
