The Long Road

Twice now I've received private messages from acquaintances who apparently want to help me see the error of my ways. The first was fairly certain I was a "grudge bearer" and the second, though kinder and gentler than the first, mentioned in a round about way, that I could be feeling sorry for myself. "Check your heart," she said. If only it were so simple. Perhaps I do feel sorry for myself  sometimes, but that is not why I am here in this little attic bedroom.

It's complicated. I told the first friend that she really didn't know my family well enough to offer her observations. The second I told that it wasn't about feeling sorry for myself. I also said I can't tell her the reasons, but I do appreciate her prayers. I know there are plenty of other well-intentioned people who are sure they know what I should be doing, but they do not live in my skin or wear my shoes. They have not lived my life, they do not love the Cabinetmaker or my children like I do, and they do not know them as I either. They are not really qualified to know the cries of my heart, and truthfully, sometimes discerning my heart is difficult for me. Thankfully, God knows.

I hope you are not reading anger and frustration in my words. I am not angry or frustrated with these people. They mean well, and I know that. Perhaps once upon a time I thought I had the answers to the problems others face, but the plain and simple truth is, I don't. I don't know all the facts and I must leave them to work it out between themselves and God. I wish God was working faster, making the picture clearer sooner, but He isn't. His timing is perfect, He knows where we are going, and He has not left us to wander alone even if there are moments if feels that way.

I am very slowly coming to realize that what I really want most of all, will never happen. Not so long ago I heard myself say, "Lord, when is everything going to be okay again?" and the answer followed close behind. "Martha, everything never was okay..." I have not given up hope that one day God will make things okay for me. I don't know when that will be or what it will look like, but I do know He will be there.