Bottleneck

Not only do I miss taking pictures, but I miss blogging. Nothing proves this more than reading posts of the past. (Like this one and this one.) It's a different season. Some nights I sit and stare at the screen but instead of a smooth flow, the words are stuck in a bottleneck. Remember wanting to cry as a child, but rather than tears flowing a lump grew hard and painful in your throat? It's kind of like that...

I am making new discoveries about myself and those I love, struggling to heal and grow, and learning to live life differently from the past. It's almost like learning to play a new game, except it's real life instead.

"Are you afraid of silence?" he asked. I wasn't sure how to answer. I wanted to say no, but it wasn't totally true. Sometimes I find myself rambling in order to fill up the uncomfortable chasm of silence, but I'm not entirely certain if I am trying to relieve my own discomfort or the perceived discomfort of another party. Can I sit in the silence and hear what it is telling me? Can I let silence do its work?

He gave me a writing assignment two weeks ago. I didn't know why he suggested it, but I complied. I found the task interesting once I got started. Words and thoughts began to accumulate and I found myself begin to smile at the ease of their flow. Therapeutic, even though I didn't understand its purpose. Now that I understand, I read it in a new light and it is therapeutic all over again. Perhaps that is why I go back and reread blogs too. They give me a glimpse into my heart; my own thoughts teaching me about myself.

I am sad but not without joy, contemplative but not without hope. I am growing in ways I never imagined or would have chosen, but I know God has a plan and He is working it out in me and in the lives of those I love. Life will be different because God is in the business of change. I only need trust and keep stepping forward.