The Truth Is

The truth is that some mornings I wake up and want nothing more than to find myself at home, back in the days before the world I knew broke into a million pieces. I want to wake up in my room, in my own bed. I want to shower in my own bathroom, make breakfast in that beautiful kitchen, and sit out on the back porch while humming birds buzz and barn swallows fly like jet fighters in and out of the barn windows... I want lazy mornings, carefree afternoons, and evening walks through the orchard. 

Is it really my unwillingness to forgive that keeps me here? I've asked God hundreds of time to tell me what to do. It isn't that He has been totally silent... He did tell me to go last year, and He did cancel that appointment last Tuesday morning...  If I am honest, what I really want from God is something I can't have, something that would keep our hearts from breaking, but keep us from growing and learning to trust Him more as well.

The last few years have brought torrents of tears, leaps of faith, and more questions than answers. I don't know where God is taking me... or where He is taking us... but as difficult and painful a journey as it has been thus far, I hope the view at the end is breathtaking. (Is that selfish?)  It is my sincere prayer, that when the journey is done I will find all of my family there. I don't know how God will do it. I don't know how He can take all these broken shards and make them into something beautiful again? It might take a very long time...