A Little Blog Post and Some Pictures

 I've started new posts twice in the past week, but they remain unpublished. (I went to a local corn maze with a friend last Saturday, as well as another outing with my sister on Sunday... It was a beautiful weekend.) Maybe it's because I've been getting up so early for work the past week, but mostly my concentration has been off. It's so much easier to post photographs and scroll through Facebook...

If I am honest, total transparency here has become more difficult. It's become easier in person, but harder on a social media platform, especially because I don't know who my audience includes. I remain keenly aware of my own ability to inadvertently wound those I love, as well as mislead those who are unaware of our true story. I'm learning a little more about myself each day, like how I think and why I respond in certain ways, but I don't always have words to explain those things.

I'm also learning how to spend time alone and although it's not always easy, it's not miserable either. I am beginning to enjoy my moments of solitude as much as I enjoy spending time with my friends and family. This afternoon I went for a walk in the woods at a local park. (I learned from a fellow hiker that it might not be the safest place to walk during bow hunting season, but previous to that tidbit of information I'd felt quite safe and peaceful.) The lake and the woods. Much more peaceful than Barnes and Noble or Hobby Lobby, although they will likely have to do in the winter.

A couple weeks ago I neglected to attend an outdoor gathering. It was especially hard to tell my son and daughter in law that I wouldn't be there. We all want so much to pretend everything is okay when it isn't, and my mind wants to rationalize the irrational as well. This is my most difficult battle and I am coming to understand the battle is universal. I'm not the only one struggling to come to terms with situations I can't understand. It's part of the reason I was asked to step out of the Step Study a year and a half ago. At least that part is beginning to make a little bit of sense in my mind.

In other news, I locked myself out of my car again on Saturday afternoon. My car keys were once again smiling at me from their position on the driver's seat while I was on the other side of the window. Ironically, I had just paid my AAA membership online the night previous. I've learning not to let this silly game get me too ruffled. It feels so much better to laugh at it instead.