Hooray!

He's home!!! My son in law is home and we are thrilled! It was a very long day of travel and sitting in airports with delay after delay, but he is home, tired and smiling. I'm sure the terrible weather and tornadoes in the mid west, especially Texas, might have had something to do with the delays. We are grateful for airplane maintenance crews, dedicated airline personnel, and tireless pilots. The kids were all smiles when they got up this morning.

It's a rainy Memorial Day but we had no plans for a picnic. We are laying low today, catching up on lost sleep and remembering to be thankful.

Just Waiting

Now we wait.

We wait for Sergio to get his passport back.

We wait for his return.

I wait for for an official letter regarding the 2nd CPS investigation at work.

I wait for news pertaining to my appeal of the first CPS decision.

I wait for Bethany's return from vacation.

It's been a lot of waiting.

We've been decompressing. Most of the time I have peace. Every once in a while panic grips my heart and I must consciously loosen its grip once again. What exactly am I afraid of? I am afraid of running out of money. I am afraid of being dependent on my children. I am afraid of not being able to keep up with expectations. I am afraid, and yet still there is peace. The money is not gone and my immediate bills are covered. We are interdependent because we all depend on each other. None of us meet every expectation. All we are able to give is our best and I can do that.

Petition Granted

It's been a week of tears and trials, wondering and waiting, and fears and faith. At 6:07 am on May 11, after leaving her "best friend in the whole world at the airport with a one way ticket to a city 2000 miles away," my sweet daughter put out a petition for prayer.  On Tuesday, May 14 she said, "Thank you to everybody who has been praying for us so far. Please keep praying for peace and courage and strength. Today is only day four of an absolutely brutal separation and it is hard not to be discouraged when we’re missing each other so much." On Saturday she wrote, "Sergio has his green card interview on Monday morning. I am trying to get as many people as I can to pray on Monday, because right now we’re feeling like we need a miracle. Please pray on Monday. Share our story with anybody who will also pray. Friends, family, church members. Everybody you can think of..." and this morning, "Sergio is waiting in line for his interview now. Prayers are so appreciated! Although still terrified, we are feeling so much calmer than we expected, and I really believe it’s because of everybody praying" She is one of the strongest, bravest, and most beautiful people I know. I am so very proud of her. We are breathing easier tonight. Sergio's petition has been granted and we are eager to have him back home again soon. 

My own trial pales in comparison.  I get to stay home with Killian. (There is a silver lining, isn't there?) Although I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes, mostly due to future financial needs, I also have a unexplainable peace. My present bills are paid and I have money in the bank to cover immediate expenses. My kids won't let me starve and we don't have a mortgage or costly rental agreement. I get to enjoy the sunshine, plant some flowers, and play checkers with my grandson. What could be better than that?

Parades and Parties

Yesterday was the Williamson Apple Blossom Parade. Since my children grew up living there, the Apple Blossom Festival was an integral part of their childhoods, so Hannah and I packed the boys into the minivan and set off to watch.

Tears and Smiling Faces

What can I share? 

It's been an incredibly difficult week in a myriad of ways. We are looking forward to all the trials being behind us, ... and terrified of possible outcomes at the same time. We're doing our best to keep things "normal" in a household where everything has been flipped sideways. One of our company is far, far away, and another is going to work everyday and trying to keep things going for her children. I am attempting to process my job loss and the humiliation that entails. (Honestly, I got fired for taking a chewed up crayon from a 2 year old.) I'm also trying to decide how to proceed. I opted not to complete the unemployment application after contemplating the survey on my termination. No "poking the bear" or "opening a hornet's nest." No making big decisions before we know when Sergio will be home.

Killian and I have spent the last couple of days together playing games, going for walks, and watching "Bluey" episodes. I've accompanied my family to a pediatric dentist appointment (Mommy was there too.), and on Wednesday Kili and I drove out to Williamson to visit my friend Tahnya from the other daycare where I worked for over 6 years. Last night we met my son Nate and his four children at my son Dave's house, and walked down Main St in Williamson to watch the Kiddie Parade. The parade was short and sweet. The walk there and back was scattered with familiar faces; Mrs. Dennie, my friend Becky and her daughter and grands... and the special blessing of finding my little friend Mara and her mother standing next to me as we watched the parade. She just turned three a few days ago.

In the midst of "the week from hell" there have been some entirely wonderful surprises. On Tuesday afternoon, after returning our cans and bottles, I ran into one of the Toddler 1 moms and her sweet child. I didn't want to see anyone from work, but if there was one parent to see, this was the perfect one. She'd received an email regarding my termination, yet assured me of her confidence and trust in my care of her young daughter. She even gave me a hug. Seeing my friend Becky was healing, seeing Mara and Nicole was therapeutic. I don't have any reason to hide my face or feel ashamed.

Please pray for my daughter and her children, her sweet in laws, and of course, my son in law. We only wish him to be home again.

Emotional Tensions

We are running on fumes. I hate that I have my own inner turmoil while my daughter and her little family are facing such an incredibly huge trial of their own. Sergio is alone in a strange Mexican city without his family, going to appointments and hoping he gives the correct answers when asked unexpected questions. He is tired, teary and only wants to come home. My sweet, strong and beautiful daughter is doing everything in her power to hold things together here at home, to reassure her children and to put on a positive front all while her insides are churning. It is heartbreaking to watch. In another week we will have an answer and are holding onto the belief that Sergio will soon be back at home with us. Life cannot possibly throw only one trial or challenge at a time. They always come in multiples, and my insides are churning too.

The situation at work has gone from bleak to hopeless. It was not enough to have one "indicated" CPS case against me and my coworker (the one Kelly and I are in the process of appealing), but second investigation has been added. Video cameras in classrooms can be helpful in determining events, and they can also be misleading. On Friday I sat down to draw with our almost three year old toddlers but they were feeling spicy and decided to chew on crayons and run about the room instead. One small boy stood directly across the table from me, smiled mischievously, and took a bite of a thick black crayon. I stood up to take the crayon and he took off running. I pursued, and this was my demise. The voice in my head said, "Don't grab the hoodie!" and so I reached for his shoulder, caught him, and took the crayon. In the process a corner of my right, middle finger scratched the side of his neck (although my mind is confused now as to whether it was the right or left...) I did not look at his neck before walking back, dropping the crayon in the box, and sitting down. My mind was already spinning. What should have been the simple retrieval of a mangled crayon had suddenly morphed into something bigger than I could process. The flight/freeze response kicked in and I felt paralyzed.

The child cried. Whether from the scratch on his neck, the taking of the crayon, or both I do not know. The other teacher immediately scooped him into her arms, started to reprimand me, and then saw the scratch on his neck. She shouted, "Oh, my God!" and rushed for the phone to call the office. The irreversible turn of events had begun. The next two hours I walked about, interacting with children in a stupor. I already knew what was coming. I felt ill and uneasy. I had meant no harm and yet harm had come. 

I was eventually called into a meeting with admin, shown the video (which I could not watch closely) and asked if I had anything to say. I did not. I did not know what they were seeing. No mention was made of the scratch. I was told the video showed me grabbing the child by the hoodie and that this was maltreatment of a child. I disagreed and said I did not grab the hoodie. I was told I was being placed on "administrative leave, effective immediately" and given a paper to sign with their findings and decision. I declined to sign. I gathered my things and went home. My son in law left for Mexico early the next morning. Sunday was Mother's Day.

On Monday afternoon I was summoned to the daycare for a meeting with the licensor and a woman from CPS. I was peppered with questions and accusations. The licensor at one point said she did not see a crayon in the child's hand and that in the video it looked like I had grabbed the child by the hoodie and pushed him to the ground. Everything I do is on camera and open for interpretation. Children are wildly unpredictable, tossing their bodies and flailing at unexpected moments, especially when they are upset. He may have dropped himself to the floor when I took the crayon, but I did not push him.

"If you could go back and do this again," the women asked, "is there anything you would do different?" Hindsight is always 20/20, but even that doesn't always provide answers. "What would you have done?" I asked them. They squirmed a little and turned the question back to me without answering themselves, and asked the question again. I was assured that they could never "do" my job, but that was of little consolation.

When that meeting was finally over, there was a meeting with administration. I knew what was coming already. I was being terminated due to "maltreatment of a child." Another paper to sign, which I did not. I instead acknowledged seeing it with initials and a date. I am forever grateful to my friend Linda who insisted I needed someone along for the meeting; at least as moral support and a note taker. I am now unemployed, and possibly ineligible for unemployment. 

I have one CPS case against me for simply being in the classroom, and a new investigation for removing a chewed crayon from the hand of a child. Children have been my life. I love them with every fiber of my being. They have restored my soul in days past, put hope back into my heart, and given me life, yet I am quickly becoming terrified of them.

Playing Catch-up

 * The long weekend vacation to New Hampshire (we also drove up into Maine) was fabulous. There is nothing quite like like getting away from the everyday and exploring someplace new. On our way to Hampton Falls, Gail and I detoured to Whitinsville, Massachusetts where our friend Beth met us at The West End Creamery. I have been wanting this for years. It was such a wonderful hour of remembering childhood and catching up on the present day.

* Our friend Linda, who was already in Boston, met us in New Hampshire and we spent the next couple of days going to a sea glass festival, a rummage sale, gift shops, restaurants, and exploring the coast. It rained Sunday afternoon and we took a drive up along the coast as far as Kennebunkport, Maine and the Bush Estate. Vacations are always too short and on Monday morning, when it was finally sunny again, we turned west and headed for home.

* I returned to the hair salon on Tuesday evening and saw my new favorite hair stylist, Anna. The appointments weren't double booked this time and we laughed about the mix-up that happened in March. "I'm glad you decided to come back to me," she said. 

* The Webster Museum was doing a little presentation on Wednesday afternoon during my lunch break. My neighbor and I were the keynote speakers... They are highlighting our little neighborhood of National Homes which were built in the early 1950's. It has long been affectionately dubbed "Indian Village" for the street names, Pontiac, Seneca, Mohawk, and Iroquois. I should have asked for more than just the hour as I had to rush back to work as soon as it was over. Before I left, I was approached by a woman who said she had gone to school with me, and there was my old friend Melissa, who not only graduated with me but was also in my kindergarten class, along with Beth who I had just seen in Massachusetts. How fun is that?

* It was a stressful week at work. Something felt off with my present coworker all week but there was nothing I could put my finger on aside from a slight coolness that didn't seem to be there the week before. The children have been crazy, as usual. On Friday afternoon, just after returning from a very late lunch, I sat down to draw with a few of the children, most of whom did not take a nap, and were now running around the classroom. It went well for a very short time and then several decided it was a good idea to eat the crayons. When I stood up to take the crayon from one small child, he took off running, crayon in hand. I chased him down, caught him by the shoulder, and took the chewed on crayon out of his hand. In the process, I accidentally left a large scratch on the side of his neck. (I am as horrified as anyone else. Probably more so.) Everything is on camera and I would never, ever purposely hurt a child, but my boss, who reviewed the footage insists that I pulled him backward by his sweatshirt. This happened at 2:30 pm just 20 minutes after I had returned from my break. At 4:30 pm I was called into a meeting and sent home on "administrative leave." I am absolutely sick.

* In the early hours of Saturday morning my sweet daughter got up and took her best friend, my son in law, to the airport with a one-way ticked to El Paso. He is now in Mexico. On Friday he has an appointment with im mig ration. It is our hope and prayer that he will be looked upon with favor by those in authority and return home by the end of May. Needless to say, stress levels are at an all time high. All your prayers and good thoughts are appreciated.

* Yesterday was Mother's Day. My sweet children all reached out and made the day very special. Six came over with the fixings to make subs, and one called from Florida to let me know he loves me too.

Bits and Pieces

 * The spine doctor says my MRI looks good. My vertebrae are in good shape at the moment. I am no closer to knowing why my lower back/SI joint are pained but I can rest knowing my back is okay.

* The cardiologist seemed very pleased with both my blood pressure and heart function. I have mild aortic valve disease, which could possibly be reversed if my blood pressure remains under control, I get enough moderate exercise, and bring my cholesterol levels down.

* Work remains stressful. Children are bound and determined to live dangerously. We don't want to hover over them constantly, and yet this is (almost) a requirement of the job. It is downright exhausting. Our letters have not been sent to CPS as the lawyer has not yet "perfected" them. Probably another 2 weeks before they are mailed because we "have plenty of time." Ugh.

* Tomorrow I am going on another adventure with my friend Gail. We're going back to the New Hampshire coast where we went together 3 years ago. This time we're meeting our friend Linda who is already in Boston.

* I'll be sticking close to home for a while after my return. We've got a few things happening here in the next few weeks. (Hopefully I can fill you in later.)

* Oh, and there's a fun little thing going on in the town museum. They're doing a thing on our little neighborhood, which was known in the past as "Indian Village" because of the street names. It's a little tract of National Homes and we feel like it's a pretty special little place.