I have found myself feeling emotional this past week or so. Lost sleep, raging hormones, and a change of seasons has left me feeling unexpectedly weepy. I miss my dad and so many things are bringing him into my thoughts. I sneaked into the attic bedroom while at Mom's house this afternoon, pulled some of Dad's clothes out of a box, put my face into them and took a deep breath. I wasn't alone long. I quickly put the boxes back in order, and went back downstairs.
I took Dad's diaries out of Mom's drawer, found the one I had been reading, took it out to the living room, and sat on the couch. I didn't read long. We had gathered for a family birthday and there was a lot of activity in the house. The kids were playing and Dave was cutting the cake. A birthday song was sung, and dessert was served. I tucked the little book back in its hiding place for another day.My sisters have already celebrated a first birthday without Dad, now it is my turn. I'm not sure if it is my own birthday that is making me miss him so or the fact that his birthday will be here in just a few short weeks. It will be a year of firsts without my dad. I guess I can expect the tears to well up now and again. Maybe I just ought to keep one of his big red hankies in my purse for those teary occasions. I wonder if I might find one in those boxes upstairs?
The first year is the worst. One without my dad then the one without my mom. The tears still come. You can do it, I'll tell you one more time, God never gives you more than you can handle.
ReplyDeleteI often feel teary, so you are not alone. This morning in church we sang an old hymn that I remember him singing many times, and the tears welled up. I don't think a day goes by where my heart doesn't ache to be with him. Of course some days are worse than others, but it can spring up on me in an instant just by remembering the sound of his voice. I am still unable to listen to his tapes without sobbing. I told Dave that I just need to listen to them on one of my days off and just let it all out. It's been a tough year, but it WILL get better. I love you! I hope you have a wonderful birthday!
ReplyDeleteRemember, Heaven isn't far away.
ReplyDeleteWhat a treasure you have Martha with your Dad's diaries. They remind me of the ones I had when I was in Junior Hi, with the lock and key.
ReplyDeleteThe scent of one you love is always comforting. I have an Avon necklace of my Mom's that has packed perfume. One whiff and I can feel my Mom's presence.
The first year is the hardest.
As some hone said...Heaven isn't far away.
I think, as we get older, and are in a constant of firsts. First anniversary, first baby, first teeth, first graduation, first grand child, first loss, firsts keep coming. Lots of these are blessings. Some of them hurt. We are alive, We live our lives on mission, and prepare ourselves and those we love for an eternity with our Father. Those who get to go before us are already enjoying their time home. But the pain of our loss is not any easier to accept. Tears are medicine to our souls. It is good to cry. It is great to have memories. What a blessing to you your father left. To read his thoughts, and his memories. What a Legacy. You also will leave a legacy. You are a blessing to your children, and everyone who knows you. You have special gifts, that will leave memories. Painted boxes, and toys. Pies, and The uncondional love of a mother. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTHA. I am so blessed to know you. Keep blogging, you are teaching me every day how to be a better person. I Love you my dear sister.
ReplyDeleteYes, it will get better! The first year is most certainly the worst...then you'll find you are laughing at fun memories much more than having the tears. :) I think a having one of his hankies in your purse is a great idea...even if you don't use it! :)
ReplyDeleteoh, HAPPY BIRTHED DAY!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Martha. It's okay to be sad. Just go with it, and don't try to hide the tears. I feel like I have grieved in part and parcel these past few years, and just need to go somewhere and cry for a week straight. Maybe we should get together sometime and talk about our dads and just cry....I find that really helps, when I remember my parents and brother and talk about them. I do not want them to be forgotten. Hugs and prayers for you....(oh, and the raging hormones: rrr!!)
ReplyDeleteI miss him too.
ReplyDeleteYesterday Allen was asking where I had put grandpa's diary. We all miss him.