Sunday, July 28, 2019

Going Back

A nap was imperative this afternoon, so I set the alarm for 20 minutes and crashed. The house was empty when I woke, my sister didn't answer her phone, and I needed to get out, so I took a drive...

It's been almost six weeks since James sold the farm. I hadn't driven out there until today. It was an emotional venture. There were a few tears and a pain deep inside my heart, but it was something I felt I had to do. The little gray house with the barns isn't home anymore and it never will be. Jon and Sarah live there now.

The little house I live in now has been home since forever and it is full of memories too. They are different kinds of memories, memories of Mom and Dad and childhood. The time I spent in this house as a child isn't much longer than I lived on the farm out in Williamson, only a year or so longer, but the emotions evoked by the farm are etched deep. This is where I soaked in the beautiful moments and purposed to be present... and this is why the tears. I still feel deep inside what I felt those days; the sun hitting my skin as I picked blueberries, the gnarly, old apple trees in the orchard, and the evenings with Bethany on the tractor tire swing around back. The Naughties, the chickens, the children I babysat. Coffee on the steps, picnics on the porch, and mornings at the bus stop... Letting go is hard, but even if I wanted to go home... it is impossible.

Life is not miserable. I have so much to be grateful for, so much to love, and so many wonderful moments yet ahead. God is still good, and He still loves us. All of us. And He has a plan.

8 comments:

  1. Painful painful... Closure takes forever if it comes... You are strong!!!

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    1. Funny thing about pain. It can make us tough or tender., but the tenderness is what gives us the most strength, and tenderness comes from knowing God has us in is hands.

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  2. ...life is filled with changes.

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  3. Martha, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you drove by there and cried a bit, hopefully it'll help the healing.

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    1. I'm still trying to decide if it was a good thing or a not so good thing. Another friend asked if I was trying to torment myself. LOL. Maybe... but tears are so healing that I was willing to take the chance.
      Love you, Della!

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  4. I so love hearing you say..God is still good...and He still loves us. All of us. And He has a plan.
    I take those words to heart myself.
    I believe you are going to get through this Life Transition in God's perfect timing.
    It's not easy and I know, I wish it could be done quickly. Walking with you...

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    1. God is always good. Even when He seems distant and silent, He has not left us alone and He is not far.
      Thank you for all your love and prayers.
      <3

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