Baby Steps

Moving forward can appear slow and tedious, but when I turn around and see how far I've traveled, the road feels a little bit more smooth and sure. I've been watching little ones learn to walk this year. The babies who started with us back in August and September are standing on their own and will soon take off unassisted. It's amazing to watch. What was once impossible becomes unstoppable. It's part of the program.

When I met with my friend the other day, it was my intention to hear her complaint, not to air mine. While validating previous her dissatisfaction, I did make a feeble attempt explain a small piece of why I'd not met up with her expectations, but I did not in any way try to set in place the boundaries I should have erected/upheld years ago. They were completely absent at the time, and though she should have known better, the fault for them not being in place was mine, not hers. Along with seeing where I failed her, is seeing where I shortchanged myself. My fear of rocking boats not only destroyed my relationship with her, but it left me wounded as well.

I am not here to tell you I have learned the lesson. Rather I am telling you I am in the class. I am learning, attempting to practice, and will hopefully one day have a better grip on the skill set. I know there will be times when I fail, especially when I am tired and overwhelmed, but I am making progress and moving toward the goal.

Taking a Step or Two

It's past time for me to have turned out the light and settled down to sleep. I suppose one of my shortfalls is not taking care of myself by going to bed earlier and getting adequate rest. maybe that's why I take a nap on my lunch hour.

This past weekend I stopped to talk to someone who several years ago was not happy with me. I saw this person almost every day but never asked what was wrong. Consequently, I wasn't aware of why they were upset and was never able to do my part to remedy the situation. The fault was not mine alone. This person didn't approach me either. We just went on and on knowing something was amiss but never communicating with each other. Here we are years later and it is quite obvious to me they are still angry. At least I now know why. I have owned my side of the disparity. It is all I can do.

I am fearful and anxious when it comes to conflict. Rather than meet it head on and get it resolved, I have a tendency to avoid getting things out in the open. This is a terrible weakness that only leaves both myself and others wounded and wondering what went wrong. I know it's something I need to work on and I am trying, but it's so very hard. Next to impossible. At least it feels that way. I'm a little bit amazed that I actually stopped and talked with this individual. It was scary, uncomfortable, and painful as well, but most of it could have been avoided had I learned how to speak up and ask questions long ago. (Deep breath.)

Back to Work Now

Back to work this morning after a long weekend. Funny how "long weekends" always feel too short. Ha ha! I had to shuffle this week's menu around a bit. Can't serve potatoes or cantaloupe if the produce man hasn't made a delivery yet. The children all got fed. I made sure of that.

One of the sweetest things at work is to hear last year's babies say my name. Little Charlie walked by on his way outside this afternoon, stopped when he saw me in the baby room, and said, "Hi, Martha."  (Oh, my heart!) It always catches me by surprise the first time they say it. And the babies, who gaze into our faces and smile. When I am struggling to smile, nothing brings relief like a hug from one of our little people.

We didn't have a big family picnic for the holiday weekend this time. All these changes are hard for my mind and emotions to handle. I keep thinking someone will pick up the slack when it comes to these occasions... but really I need to adjust my own thought patterns.

Learning and growing are hard. I'm working on that 4th step. The one that talks about a making a "searching and fearless moral inventory." I need to remember, while searching out my flaws and foibles, that God has also woven into my character strengths and talents. If I fail to do so life can feel too big to carry. But the little ones. The little ones who climb into my arms and wrap themselves around my heart.

The Barn Collective

Two of the barns I pass each day on my way to work and home again. One barn is old and weathered, ignored and unused. It always catches my eye. I'm sure it sheltered a herd of cows in days gone by. Maybe it still does and I just haven't been looking close enough.

The second looks like someone's little piece of "Heaven on Earth." I often admire it from a distance as I travel home at night, planning to one day stop and take a picture. I finally did.

Come visit Tom and the rest of us at The Barn Collective. We're having a Ho-Down!

Bits and Pieces

The weeks fly by...

* I'm going bananas at work. There are way too many of them. They're ripening before the kids eat them, and I can only make so many batches of banana bread. (We're out of flour... and freezer space.) There was half a case left yesterday and more bananas will arrive on Tuesday, so I brought a dozen home. Maybe we'll have banana bread here.

* I went to the pottery studio Thursday evening and found my friend Ginger from my winter class. She was there last Thursday too. A smiling face and words of encouragement mean so much. I thought maybe we could encourage each other. This week I trimmed two bowls, glazed two bowls, and brought two bowls home. The fluted one has an "S" crack on the bottom but it's pretty as long as it isn't turned over. One day I'll buy a Dremel tool and some grinding bits to soften sharp edges.

* Mornings have been gorgeous this week. It's a lovely time of year and I am tempted to stop for photos along the way to work... Mostly I soak in every bit of beauty I see and tuck it away in my mind instead. Occasionally I grab a photo on my way to the car. Yes, I even love the water tanks. They're old friends.

* Speaking of old friends, I learned someone close to me, who always believed he had dual citizenship, may not be an American after all. It appears US military bases are not "American soil" and his report of birth abroad does not have the raised seal of the American Consulate. I'm not sure how one can live an entire lifetime never being made aware of this, but I'm sure he's not alone in the quandary. A recent passport application revealed his paperwork wasn't in order. That's cool. (Not.) Now he's suddenly a Canadian without a Canadian birth certificate in hand, and maybe an illegal alien? Life is full of surprises.

* I'm having a lazy morning. Still in bed but needing to get up and get the day started. This is a rare luxury in a presently busy life so I'm soaking it in a little.

:0)

Posting

Posts have been sparse lately... I miss the years of posting daily. It's not that nothing happens, but by the time I get home I'm too tired to remember the interesting ones. Perhaps if I had one of those fancy, schmancy smart phones I'd be posting on my lunch hour, but I have a not so very fancy flip phone instead. It doesn't have an internet connection, but the price is right and it keeps me out of trouble.

I spend most lunch breaks in my car. Sometimes I listen to the radio. Often I take a nap, which is why I have a handy, dandy little alarm clock in my vehicle. Since my camera was along for the ride today, I took a picture of the lunch hour scenery. The playground was quiet because the little darlings were resting.

It's been another emotional week. Not entirely sure what's throwing me off (though I have an idea or two), but it seems everyone at work is struggling this week. No one was here when I got home this evening so I called my sister to see if she might be going for a walk this evening. She invited me for salad and a burger, and then we took a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I am grateful for her friendship as it keeps me from isolating, which is very bad to do if one is struggling emotionally. I think I shall visit the pottery studio tomorrow and find my friend Ginger.

Apple Blossom Parade 2018

This weekend included a bit of rain and a parade. It's Apple Blossom time at home...

I'm still finding it fascination to sit where the parade comes down the street directly across from where we're sitting and then turns in front of us. Especially interesting are the Towpath Volunteers. The happy character in the yellow belt is my grandson, Number 2. We were a scraggly looking bunch out there. Ha ha!

This Week

Not much has been happening outside of work, but that's okay right now. After drinking an early evening cup of coffee followed by an ice cream sundae (with strawberries, hot fudge, peanuts, Reece's chocolate.peanut butter shell, Cool Whip, with a cherry on top), it's no surprise I was awake past midnight on Sunday and into Monday morning. Now I'm playing catch-up and endeavoring to turn the light and computer off by 10:30 pm.

I've had some incredibly awesome hugs from little people this week. Some of those children wrap their little arms around my neck, their chubby little legs around my waist, and hang on for all they're worth. Yeah. It's absolutely wonderful. That's why I go back day after day. For the hugs. Of course, I wouldn't get near so many if I hadn't invested in them in the first place. I hug those babies until they're big enough to hug back, and then I hug them some more. It's a pretty great job.

Oh yeah!I had some great news yesterday. Grandbaby Number 11 is on the way! Due in November. In Minnesota. I'd heard about the pregnancy way back at my birthday in March, but there was no public announcement until yesterday. We are still praying for the safe arrival of this new little one as we breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice in a healthy pregnancy. I might have to take a little vacation toward the end of the year...

Mother's Day 2018

I had a secret fear this Mother's Day. An irrational fear perhaps. I tried to squelch the feelings, but, instead they it left me feeling impatient and short tempered as the day grew closer.

My own mother is not here to celebrate the day. That in itself might leave me teary, but what was really eating away at my emotions was the underlying fear that my own children might let Mother's Day slide by without taking a little bit of time to remember how much I love and care for each one of them. I know they are busy with their own lives. I know some of them are mothers, are married to mothers, or have mothers in law to visit. I get that. Perhaps that is what made me insecure and impatient, because I desperately want to know that as much as I want to be here for each one of them, I need to know they are there for me too. They didn't disappoint me. I heard from each and every one, a couple through Facebook, a few who visited, and one who couldn't be here but called me on the phone. I am eternally grateful for each sweet soul who calls me "Mom." What would I ever do without them?

The Barn Collective

My daughter and I took a drive down through the hills between Seneca and Cayuga Lakes. Part of what Tom calls "Barn Heaven." I couldn't pass this up without stopping for a picture. Talk about a barn! Wow!!!

What a gorgeous drive, even though the day was gray and overcast. I could have stopped over and over again, but we had a destination in mind and needed to get there before supper time. :0)

Visit the Barn Collective and have a cup of tea for Mother's Day. Hope yours is happy.

A Date With My Daughter

Last Sunday after church I found a note in my Facebook messages. It was a personal invitation to the First Annual Finger Lakes Pottery Tour near Ithaca, NY. It was relatively short notice on a busy kind of weekend, but I didn't have any plans for Saturday. After thinking about it for a few days, I shot my eldest daughter a message of my own. I sent a copy of the invite while admitting that she was probably already busy... I was pleasantly surprised when she accepted my offer of a day trip.

Trumansburg is about  2 hours away. We'd hoped for a bright sunny day for our outing, but we got a gray and dreary day instead. On top of that it was cold and we hadn't bothered to wear warm jackets. Refusing to allow rain and chills to dampen our spirits, we determined to enjoy our day together. And we did. Thoroughly.

We found our potter friend dressed for the weather and smiling. Although she'd sent the invitation, she was still surprised to see us there. Once upon a time, more than 20 years ago, she was my daughter's best friend. Not only were they friends as little girls, but they share the exact same birthday. It was so fun to witness their reunion.

We mulled over the pottery, mostly hers, and each of us chose a mug as a treasure to take home. We planned to buy one for each other, but Hannah had a different plan. "I'd like to gift them to you," she said. We were speechless for a second, but in the end we accepted her kind offer, and then picked out something else to buy ourselves.

It was a beautiful day in spite of the weather. Not only did Bethany reconnect with her old friend, but I saw two of my friends from the pottery studio, and we stopped to look at a waterfall or two before heading back through "Barn Heaven" toward home.

I hope we can go back again one day this summer when the weather is warm and sunny so we can meander about some more. 

The Weekend's End

It's Sunday evening and the house is mostly quiet. I'm doing laundry and just a minute or two ago heard a small animal scamper across the roof above my head. Probably a squirrel. In years gone by a cat would stare into the back dormer and meow, or crawl onto the edge of the open window over the driveway and ask to come inside. No cats live here now.

Weather wise it's been a gorgeous weekend. Emotionally, I am drained. If it were possible, I'd pluck myself from this present life and drop myself into a different one, one without so many hurts and questions. There would be different pains in a different life, but maybe the answers would be clearer... Then again, maybe not.
(old photo alert)

I am hurting. I am angry. I feel helpless. I hate being hurt. I hate seeing others hurt. I hate feeling like I am hurting those I love. I miss my kids, my grandchildren, and my home. I miss my cats, my chickens, and the apple orchard. I miss the Barefoot Lumberjack. I miss having a general sense of where life was taking me. Instead there are no easy answers and I am exhausted looking for them.

I have a warm and cozy place to live, but it is just an attic bedroom. I have a job that provides for me, but the little arms around my neck are not those of my grandchildren. I have friends, but I don't know who to call when I am alone. My mom in law doesn't answer my messages and my own parents are gone. I am more than blessed, but I am still lonely, and we are far from having worked through our difficulties. God is here and He provides, but today I couldn't help but think of a story I heard years ago. It relates, in a small way, to my perspective of where we are.  I know the Cabinetmaker doesn't share my view, and that is okay because I have  my own things to work through. I am doing so in the best way I know and God hears my cry. I know He's listening, holding me, and taking me where He wants me to be. I trust Him, but I still ache and that ache leaves me tired and emotionally drained. I am looking forward to little arms around my neck tomorrow. Those little ones put back into my soul what gives me life and hope.

Cinco De Mayo

This morning we met Laura for breakfast. No food pictures, just one of us smiling.

I made a quick visit to the pottery studio. It was good that I went today, but I'm considering freeing up my Saturdays and making semi regular evening visits once or twice a week while the weather is nice. Today I flopped two bowls and glazed four others. I don't mind flopping a few. It's a good learning experience.

Took a walk with Rachel this afternoon and did a little shopping. I found a shirt at Old Navy that says "Keep Looking Up" on the front, so I bought it. :0) The evening I took a drive home to Williamson. The chicken flock is quite thin. We are down to two. Although they are few in number, the coop needed to be cleaned, so The Cabinetmaker and I found some shovels and a wheelbarrow and set to work. Tomorrow the girls will be blessed with clean straw. For tonight they are blessed with a clean floor. Since he's been out of town and has nothing but eggs in the house, we went to Yia Yia's for dinner. (We had ice cream.)

Dream a Little Dream With Me

It's a cozy little place, a bit too cozy if I don't keep up with the clutter. Just a little attic bedroom, more ceiling than walls. Though I love what my father built fifty some years ago, I still like to dream of how it could be different, a little brighter and more spacious...

If money was no option I'd build a proper staircase. That attic ladder fills the bill but makes the climb and descent treacherous if one is taking anything more than him or herself up or down. Where to put the staircase is the question.

What I'd really like to do is add dormers, although this is more like raising the roof... Definitely a larger than present dormer in the back, but maybe in the front as well. Not only would it brighten things up, but it would add a little wall and head space as well. I can stand up right now, but only in the center of the room. There's probably an inch or two of space between the top of my head and the ceiling and I run my glasses, which I wear on top of my head, into it all the time. Hmmm... Maybe I could even get a backyard "balcony" out of the deal, but I'm probably pushing my luck there. (I'm pushing my luck thinking about anything at all. Ha ha!)

What will most likely happen is something a bit more like this. A fresh off-white coat of paint over old wood paneling, and a new window out to the driveway, one I could fit through if I needed to escape. The present window is old, rotted, and desperately needs to be replaced. I'm sure I could come up with funds for a bit of paint and a new window. My ceiling isn't quite so rustic as this one, but I still think a fresh coat of paint could make a big difference. The real question is, "How brave am I?" Braver than I used to be.

Dad would call this a "brainstorm." :0)

Feeling Blond

Getting braver lately. Ha ha!

Since I work mostly inside there is little chance my hair will be lightened by the love of sunshine this year. I weighed the options, then took a brave and fearless step forward. I asked my favorite hairdresser about doing highlights. I'm not quite sure it makes me a "bottle blond" but it it does make blonder than I was yesterday. (I like it.) No picture tonight. Sorry to disappoint you.

The weeks roll along and blur together lately. At the rate I'm going old age will be here before I have time to dust off my rocking chair... which reminds me of my Uncle Chuck quoting me poetry. (here) Tomorrow is Friday already. I think this weekend is already booked, and next weekend is filling up fast too.

Flowers from the back yard yesterday afternoon...

Today There are Flowers

Not sure what to write this evening. I'm lost in my own mind. Swirling, swirling... Not sure whether to breathe deep and exhale, or turn the light off and sob.

I drove home after work, home to Williamson, to see if my favorite tulip was blooming. She was. Two beautiful salmon colored flowers this year. Last year there were three...

Her resilience continues to amaze me. I don't know if she has any more lessons to teach me about life and beauty, but every year I find her beautiful. No matter what the weather, a late spring or an early warm up, she radiates strength and grace. I still want to be like her...

I am okay. God is good and He is in control.