Monday, August 25, 2014
It's the end of August already. If you were still here, we'd be planning an 80th birthday celebration for tomorrow. It's still hard to believe my parents grew old so quickly... Anyway, you got a birthday card in the mail this past Saturday. I hope you don't mind that I opened it. I guess our financial adviser forgot all about that email I sent him back in March. He never did get back to me on that policy. I suppose he was busy and distracted, like I am sometimes.
I miss you a lot more these days than I did back in the spring. The numbness has finally worn off and it doesn't take much to make tears well up. I try to brush them away before anyone else sees. Funny how when Dad was sick and passed on I felt so free to sob and this time it somehow feels like I'm not supposed to... How do I explain to my family that it has taken me six months to get here, to the place where the sorrow is overwhelming? It still comes and goes, sometimes making me exhausted and impatient, and others times just leaving me sad.
I stopped at the house today. The neighborhood that used to be full of children is like a ghost town. There was nobody outside playing. Kind of like our house, I mean your house...just empty. Nothing feels or sounds the same there and you and Dad are missing too. I went out for lunch after leaving the house, but I ate alone. The only friends I saw were just leaving as I was getting my food. Too bad I hadn't gone half an hour earlier.
I'll be okay, Mom, but it might take me a while. I hope James can bear with me. He so often thinks he is the cause of my grief, but he can't fix this. Before I can truly heal, I have to be able to hurt. He has to let me and I have to let me. Maybe the hardest part is really me letting me...
Anyway, tomorrow is the grand birthday celebration in heaven with your mom and dad, Aunt Jeanne, Dad, and Danny. I hope the party is magnificent. You'll be on my heart. I'm sorry for all the big and little ways I failed you. I really meant to do so much better than I did. I love you.