The Day to Day

Days with Mom blur from one into the next. Nothing too exciting is happening and what does often leaves me baffled and struggling with my own thoughts and emotions. I behave badly more often than I care to admit, but the past few days have been better than most.

It's quite evident that my mom is suffering from some type of dementia. She repeats herself often, asks the same questions over and over, and second guesses what was once second nature. Mom once did 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with ease, now she struggles with obvious pieces. Sometimes she questions my ability or knowledge of things and situations. She forgets the names of the children I babysit although they come weekly and have since September. She has difficulty following conversations and often appears disconnected.

Not all is negative. Mom still enjoys doing word search puzzles, reads her Bible each night, and devours the daily newspaper. She seems to enjoy folding laundry and occasionally washing dishes or putting them away. Sofie is her all but constant companion and Mom worries if the little dog appears to be missing. She is not combative or disagreeable, doesn't often complain, and is still able to care for most of her own hygiene needs even if she does need an occasional reminder.

I've settled into a basic daily Mom routine which includes writing the day of the week and date on a white board (along with any information pertinent to that day), setting out her morning pills, and fetching the newspaper. She wakes up whenever, dresses and straightens her bed, and makes her powdered coffee drink. Then she settles into her chair to drink her "coffee" and read the paper. Breakfast is typically eaten at lunchtime and a snack consumed somewhere around 3 pm. Sometimes I feel bad there isn't more interaction between us as it seems I go about my day around her rather than with her.

In spite of my struggles, I trust God is working in my heart and growing me in ways I cannot see. I do not understand His ways, and marvel at how He is able to use my weaknesses and failures to mold me into a vessel fit for use. The pressure can be painful, especially if I resist His touch. This only brings more pain and frustration. I am learning to cry out before the pressure brings me to the breaking point and find He quickly answers. I am treading unfamiliar ground once again with questions that often go unanswered, forgetting that He who holds the universe in His hands also holds me.