Thursday, June 30, 2011

Stifling a Scream

What do I do when I come home and find my mother reading through my Gratitude Journal? It's not totally private, but it's not like it's public either.

"What are you doing?" I asked, hoping she might realize she is over stepping her bounds.

"I'm reading your blessings," she smiled.


I should never have left it on the table underneath my Bible. I already know she's nosy. I already know she will poke in where she should stay out. I have no one to blame but myself, but I really want to scream. I want to grab it away from her and tell her she should ask permission to read my things, and yet I have just pawed through all of her belongings... If I take it away and tell her it's not her business, she will sulk, and so instead I smoke and fume. Truthfully, I want to cry. (Actually, I want to grab it away and smack her with it!)

Update- I know my dear husband will come with a gentle rebuke for the fact that I posted this at all. In a way I have broken my own blogging rule #1. Don't blog posts that show others in a negative light. But it is really me that is struggling here. It is me that is wrong more than my mom and it is only me who I am ultimately able to control. For those of you who wonder, I didn't smack anyone and I didn't scream. I did, however, eventually take it away and tell her she had read enough. There was no sulking and from now on I'll just leave the book upstairs in my bedroom.


  1. Oh dear. Yes, I agree. It's like a diary of sorts. And under your Bible? It's not like you left it open on the table for all to look! :(

  2. Yikes!!! Mine is laying on my Bible....Thanks for the heads up!!!!

    Maybe the SMACK needs to be a kiss, and then maybe not....!!

  3. I understand your frustration, but at the end of the day she probably won't even remember that she read it.

  4. Oh Martha, she is old, widowed and lonely. You know she loves you. Please don't do anything that you will regret later when she is gone and you can't make it right. I read my little middle daughters blessing and trials and cry tears of joy for the blessings and tears of sorrow for the problems she has, and then I can pray for her and her family.

    None of us are perfect mothers or daughters. I know you love the Lord and will do the right thing.

    Treat her like you want to be treated by Beth when you are living with her someday when you are old, cranky and gray like me.

    Please know this is written in love. I can see both sides. I am in her condition but I have my loving husband to care for me.

    Love in the Lord,

  5. Christine, you are too funny.

    Wanda, I want so much to record those little things throughout the day. By the time I get upstairs at night I have already begun to forget them.

    Rachel, It's hard to tell what she will remember and what will be conveniently forgotten.

    Joy, being old and lonely is not a good excuse for improper behavior. I have not done anything I regret, and hopefully by the time I get old, I will have learned through the trials of life to be cheerful rather than cranky.

  6. Yes, Betsy, it is a diary of sorts. I am sometimes surprised by how much it feels that way.

  7. I wonder what you would do if you knew I read it the other day, :)

  8. Martha, do you consider the things you proposed doing to your mother such as slapping her, bad mouthing her to the whole wide web proper behavior for your age?

    You asked questions, like should I smack her. I thought you were looking for answers

    I give you my apologies and will not post again.

  9. Joy, you really need not worry, As I said, "But it is really me that is struggling here. It is me that is wrong more than my mom and it is only me who I am ultimately able to control."

    Perhaps if you knew my family, you would understand that I never intended to smack anyone, nor do I think Christine was actually advocating that I do. My mother is not abused, nor is she really "bad mouthed." This is real life and I was terribly frustrated.

  10. James, I am not afraid of you reading it. :)

  11. Joy, I would never, ever slap my mother. Smacking her with the book is quite a different proposition and even that I wouldn't really do, even if I did feel like it.

  12. Try not to get too upset about this. I am sure she did not mean any harm and she probably had no idea that it was something you minded that she read. Try to remember that she is one of your blessing and that she may not be with us much longer. Also, she probably was blessed by your list of blessings. I think you may be blowing a bit out of proportion and remember that her memory is such that she probably does not even remember reading it or what she read by now.

    Also, remember that you can plan a weekend to get away and let me know so I can plan to come and stay with her.

  13. Priscilla, I bit my tongue, I sat in the computer room for half an hour, tried to rationalize it all in her favor, and came out deciding to take it away in as nice a manner as possible. All of this does not take away the fact that I "wanted" to scream or felt that my space had been invaded. But, in spite of my lack I do feel that I handled it better yesterday than I would have a few months back.

  14. Oh Bother!

    I finally have given in and got the name of several support groups for caregivers.
    One I selected is called a Breath of Fresh Air. starts and ends with a prayer. Sounds right, I mean what else can you do?

    I'm still holding your hand.
    I threw all my bread crumbs in the trash the other day, there is no way back.
    love you, judi

  15. I do find it interesting how few comments I typically get on everyday posts, and how many this has generated. Guess I know now how to get noticed. ;)