Drawing a Blank

I must say that all too often I come to write and end up staring at a blank screen with an equally blank mind. It isn't that nothing is happening in my life or that I have nothing worthy of sharing, but recent events have left me not only tired but unsure how to put into words what I am thinking and feeling. Often the thoughts most forward in my mind remain unspoken. Such has been the case in recent weeks.

I still struggle with emotions that well up over the relational difficulties within our family. I miss the two small tornadoes that occasionally tore through our home and their little sister as well. I am sad when I stop to realize that I have basically missed the last six months of my granddaughter's life. Mostly I try not to think about it, but she will celebrate her first birthday in a little over two weeks and that leaves a painful lump in the back of my throat. It isn't that I don't try to reach out and it isn't that I haven't seen them at all, it is mostly that I am making an attempt to figure out where the line is. The line of backing off and reaching out can sometimes be difficult to see.

A week or so ago my son got beaten up in a bar. Drunk and an instigator, he chose the wrong female to harass and someone knocked his lights out. I understand he woke up in the hospital and couldn't even remember what happened. This is the son who sets a fatherly example for my three small grandchildren. This is the son who only a few years ago sat by the bedside of his dying grandfather and read scripture. This is the son who lead the junior high youth group at church just four years ago. I love him to death and I am heartbroken by the choices he is making. He wants me to be proud of the man he has become... I can be impressed by his landscaping skills, enthralled with his cooking, and touched by his love for his children, but I am afraid that the man he hopes to be is fading into what should have been instead. Where is the son who made me proud? What has happened to my boy?

My mom has spent the last week and a half at Rachel's house so that James and I could have some down time and recover from his recent surgery. I have to say that giving my brain a rest from the responsibility of caring for Mom has been much appreciated. Next week Priscilla will come to stay here at our house with Mom while James and I take some time away from home. Our initial thought of traveling up the coast of Maine to Nova Scotia is not feasible at this time, so we will be spending some time instead hidden away at a Bed and Breakfast in the Finger Lakes. We're planning on taking some fishing poles along. Maybe I will finally get a start on that plan to love fishing.