Thursday, February 17, 2011


I am listening, listening to my mother talk to Andrew as they play with the Play-Do he brought yesterday... He calls her "grandma" and tells her the Play-Do is "mine." It is rare for her to sit at the dining room table and interact with him while playing, but this is what I once expected she would do.

I have escaped to my computer room where I can see the play area and still find myself somewhat secluded. I long for a few hours alone, yet am not quite certain what I would do with the time if given the chance... probably squander it.. or maybe I should say relish in it and do little of any significance. Maybe I would just soak it in, breathe a sigh of contentment, close my eyes, and go to sleep.

My ears are tired. Tired of repeated questions, tired of continual commentary, and yet one day I will surely long for these days. How can one be so fickle? Why can I not muster up the feelings I know are good and right? It is the strength of God that must found in these times, but it does not come without an effort on my part to at the very least let go of me, and I find my fists so tightly clenched. "God, pry my clenched fist open... Open my hands to freely give and receive Your love."


  1. He will give you exactly what you need, Martha. I am praying for you, my friend.

  2. You have such an open heart, God's gonna fill it with all the answers you need right now. Taking a nap is not a bad idea.

    Love you.

  3. :( I'm praying for you too. I like to hear that she is playing a little.

    Make plans for a Saturday and I will come and be with mom for the day.

  4. Thank you Priscilla! I know when Papa goes to play poker on Tuesday nights. I just sit, by myself. That is a rare and welcome blessing.
    Not responsible for anyone but me. Sigh.
    And yet, I know also the time will come when I will welcome the constant repetitiveness, the need for careful offers of care-giving without intruding on independence. I'm with you through out this time in our lives. hugs. (chewing gum helps me keep the jaws from clenching. :O)

  5. I can completely relate to this. I crave solitude. I have to have it to survive. The hours that the boys are at school I find myself relishing every moment in silence. ha. Summer is hard when they are with me 24/7. And I find myself staying up way too late most evenings just savoring the quiet.

    And yet, like you...on the flip side of that...I look forward to watching them get off the bus and changing our house into chaos in a moment. haha. :)

  6. Priscilla

    I was just thinking not even an hour ago about that very thing but did not think it a possibility. I'm sure Martha would very much appreciate that.