It's Empty

Trauma throws the inner workings of our mind into turmoil. It takes the most natural and normal of thoughts and activities and throws them up into the air and turns them upside down...

My brain works somewhat differently than it used to. I have a difficult time processing church and the forced aspects of Christianity, those things that feel hokey and put-on, the holier than thou appearances of those who are anything but holy, and the judgemental atmosphere that often permeates places of worship. My trust has been shattered. The more accolades given, the more praise heaped upon them, the less I want a place in the party. 

And yet...

And yet I long to belong. To have the emptiness within filled with community. And the only place in my life I have ever known this filling has been through church and family. I lost half of my family when I left James. I knew the cost could be astronomical, but so was the cost of staying... I lost my church fellowship when I moved because I didn't want to answer questions, put up a charade, or make others uncomfortable... I lost my home because I left it behind, filled with everything we had built and collected in our 35 years together, and the piece of land my dad had helped us acquire when I had prayed that "Prayer of Jabez" so many years prior...

I considered not going to church this morning. After all it's Easter and my dressy clothes are still packed away in the back of the closet and mostly inaccessible corners of the attic and my yet unfinished room. But, it's Easter and how does one raised with Jesus stay home on this most important remembrance of Christ? I pulled a dress out of the tightly packed closet and located some pantyhose and a pair of shoes, and I went to church.

There is a comforting familiarity surrounding me in the midst of hymns and scripture. I was born into this congregation, albeit a different building. The old one burned to the ground in 1982. Some of the people there still remember my parents, especially the elderly and increasingly distant cousins, but I am yet a stranger in the midst of the crowd, a stranger who, although I've tried to be seen, remains all but invisible.

It's Easter. "We don't celebrate emptiness..." the pastor said. He was not referring to the emptiness of the tomb, of course, but emptiness in general. Especially the emptiness within our own hearts and souls. Jesus came, gave his life, and rose again to "fill our emptiness" but try as I might, I still don't completely understand how. I know all the right answers, I've heard all the sermons and read all the scriptures. I've done all the things, and at the end of the day I still often feel empty and alone.

I am far from alone in feeling empty. The world is full of emptiness and perhaps that is where the answer lies. Maybe the contentment does not come with feeling full and satisfied, because why would I reach out to anyone else if I don't have a knowledge of emptiness myself? (Am I making any sense here?) My kids and grandchildren, my friends and coworkers, a world full of children, and strangers in the grocery store all long to be filled, and sometimes all they need is a smile, a hug, a nod of the head, or a friendly hello to help fill the void. Maybe it's really all about pouring it out and collecting it up over and over again.

Thanks for listening.

(Pictures from our trip to the Lamberton Conservatory in Rochester.)

Easter and Stuff

Both Sunday morning Easter services were already at capacity by the time I attempted to reserve a seat, so I attended the 9 am service online. I was a little disappointed to find there was no communion at the end of the sermon (I was prepared...) but God knows my heart. I nibbled some crackers and drank my grape juice anyway, and was thankful. 

Easter dinner was spent with my friend Gail and her parents. It was a very nice, relaxed afternoon. When the day was far spent and the conversation waned, Gail and I took a ride to the lake to hunt for beach glass and both came home with a fine collection. We're planning a weekend getaway to a Sea Glass event in the not too distant future. (I'm feeling adventurous. Ha ha!)

This week I've managed to all but empty one of my savings accounts. I'm putting money into an IRA so I can continue with my affordable NY State health insurance, that I didn't use at all last year. I feel poor until I remember that my savings isn't entirely gone, just temporarily inaccessible, and hopefully growing. The good news is I DO know how to save money, and every time I've needed a chunk (for car repairs, a new camera, more car repairs, etc...), it's been there.

Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday. Morning brought snow and wild wind, afternoon brought sunshine and blustery gusts. I stayed home and inside aside from an after dinner walk around the block with my family. It was still cold and windy, but tolerable. (I am a wimp.) 

I'd debated about going, partly because of the cold, and partly because of our Good Friday church service, but Hannah assured me our last walk had taken only twenty minutes and that would put me home on time. It was close, and I felt better for having gotten out to walk.

The Good Friday Experience was sweet. I sat alone with my computer at the dining room table, a dinner napkin in front of me holding a few crackers and a small glass of juice. It was different, but uniting in a fresh, new way. I'd rather have been therein the crowded auditorium, able to stand and sing next to a fellow worshiper, free to hug a friend, but I often don't attend a Good Friday service anyway, and I was there. Death could not hold Jesus down, and a pandemic can't keep Him from us either. Even separated we are untied in Christ.

Resurrection Day

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: 
“I have seen the Lord!” 

And she told them that he had said these things to her. 

John 20:18

Early church service followed by breakfast with James at the little diner in the Webster village. No further plans at the moment. No family gathering. No Easter egg hunt. My sister mentioned a late dinner, so maybe I'll take her up on the offer. 

I had a good long weekend, but Sundays have tended to be emotional lately. I am learning to walk through it, rather than crawl or refuse to face it altogether. Last Sunday when I met the CR leader in the hall and she asked if she could hug me, I said, "No, not today." I wasn't there yet. The pain was still too raw. This week I let her give me a hug and I hugged her back, but I told her, "I'm still not there." I'm not ready to sit down and talk it out. I'm not one to harbor grudges or hold onto resentments, but I've not been one to work through them in a healthy way either. I typically run from confrontations like this, smooth them over, and struggle alone and in silence with a fake smile on my face. Now I'm "entirely ready" to have God remove this defect of character. I am not looking for confrontation, but the conflict resolution that comes as a result. Maybe one day soon we can sit down and talk.

The little Garden Tomb... I've always wanted to do something like that with my kids. The build up to Easter Sunday and the empty tomb has been missing from our Resurrection Celebrations. Maybe next year the grands and I can work on something like this.

The Barn Collective

Since I'm good at pushing the limits on these games, and since I have not a photo of the entire structure, I give you a small fraction of a barn. I'm loving the silo.

Plucked from my parents' slide collection, Dad wasn't going for the barn when he took the picture. He was looking to capture the dairy farmer (his Uncle Joe, in the bowler hat), the farmer's three sons (Dad's youngest cousins), and my dad's brother, my Uncle Art.

Uncle Joe, when I was a little girl, lived on a dairy farm in Caneadea, NY. (Caneadea is a town in Allegany County, New York, United States. The population was 2,542 at the 2010 census. The name is from the natives and means "where the heavens rest on earth.")  I always love that little bit of information... I'm not sure this is the farm I remember. Do farmers take their cows and move?

The Cabinetmaker and I drove past Uncle Joe's old farm a year and a half ago, but the trees hid the barn from view and neither of us were brave enough to go knocking on the door of the present farmer's house in order to get a closer look. 

I heard Easter dinner is at Tom's house this year. Come on over!

Home Today

No family Easter photos here today. I went to church and then to work. The weather was perfect and I did take my friend outside in the courtyard when the activities director was doing an activity. She'd said she didn't want to but as soon as we were out she decided it was wonderful. And it was. The rest of the day we spent inside, with her mostly in bed or at least wanting to be.

The sun was bright this morning, but has since gone into hiding and a rather cool breeze has closed in on us. I could be disappointed, but I'm choosing to attempt being productive inside instead. I had breakfast with Wanda, or at least I imagined to. Cranberry orange mini scones and coffee. She probably wasn't actually on the other side of the computer, but it was fun to think she might be. I'm sure somebody was out there drinking their coffee and eating something yummy.

What did you have for breakfast?

Sunny Sunday Afternoon

I am equally amused at and frightened by children. I love their silly ways and childish antics, appreciate their zest for life and sense of adventure, and am terrified at what kind of trouble they might conjure up while we aren't looking.

Yesterday afternoon these five kept me looking out the window to see where they were and what they were getting into. They'd found a sleepy toad and made him a home in an old flower pot and then put it inside the wash pot. They even made him a "bed" of cattail fluff. He probably wished he'd stayed in hibernation.

Poor Spencer is too little to go outside and run with the cousins. He had to settle for looking out the window and waiting for his mom and dad to go for a walk after dinner. He didn't seem to mind too very much.



I was naughty at dinner and played with my food. But I couldn't help it. The opportunity was too great to pass up. I mean, how often do we have mashed sweet potatoes? They made perfect hair for the cute little plate I bought at the thrift shop a couple months ago. (I have both the boy and girl faces.) My husband looked more embarrassed than amused which made it all the funnier. I was surrounded by family and I think most of them love me in spite of my regression back into childhood.

The bald princess came to play and kept us entertained with her smiles. I don't see enough of this little granddaughter but am happy to see she loves the little dolly I got for her back at her mommy's baby shower a little less than a year ago. I didn't even get to hold her. Either I was busy or she was enjoying the company of her aunts and uncles, or Grandpa. Ah, maybe I shall snatch her up before anyone else next time.

Apparently Easter clothes are overrated. The weather was warm enough that the boys threw clothing to the wind while running about the yard. They confiscated an empty tub by the back porch, discovered Grandpa's garden dirt pile, hoisted a white, Sunday shirt flag, and declared the newly discovered territory their own. It all looked like wonderful fun.

Now that the sun is shining, I guess I should go out, reclaim, and put away the casualties.

He Lives!

Happy Resurrection Day!

"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. John 13:14–17

The Barn Collective (Easter Edition)

Here we are, back at home again. These photos have been in my collection for a while. Most of them are about ten years old. I was probably really aiming at the flowers and loving the barns in the background.

Barn two (They're out of order...) That is The Cabinet Maker's finish shop, when it isn't full of cabinets for our own kitchen remodel.

Lilac buds. Like I said, it's an old photo. No buds on the bushes yet this year.

Barn One, in the background. That is The Cabinet Maker's shop. 

 I need to plant some more Hollyhocks out by the mailbox. 

And more photos of Barn Three. Once upon a time the paint wasn't quite so worn off. She looks pretty good there.

Sometimes from the ground up pictures are cool.

Hoping everyone has a wonderful Easter!

The Barn Collective

Here a Little, There a Little

Not much going on here today. How about a few photos from my week?

A family gathering on Easter Sunday.

a Jelly bean or two...

NY style cheesecake for the birthday boy.

Grandkids (otherwise known as small packets of boundless energy.)

Clouds at daybreak

 Seasonal housing of yesteryear

Old white fence

and a little crocus too

Resurrection Sunday and a Day-Early Birthday

We had a very nice weekend with lots of fun and activity. We gathered to remember Christ's resurrection and to celebrate the birthday of the family patriarch. (I wonder how he'll like that title?) There was a bit of wrestling on the living room floor, some childish giggles, and some yummy desserts after the holiday dinner. A few bags of Easter candy even appeared. I didn't eat much. (I tasted a purple "perfume flavored" jelly bean. It kind of killed my desire for any more. :P)

I noticed a few family members checking their phones or playing games. Even the little guys got in on the fun.

Someone had a time out, but he made the best of it while Hannah and I snapped a few pictures. He's covering up a nice looking bruise between his eyes. I heard he learned why it's not a good idea to swing a belt around your head when he smacked himself between the eyes.

When everyone packed up and went home, the house still felt warm and lovely, albeit much quieter. I found a monster hat had been left on the floor by a small boy (he probably wonders where he left it...) and a lamp that looked rather haphazard in the aftermath. I found myself smiling and thinking what a wonderful afternoon it had been.

Happy Birthday, My Darling. I love you. I hope you enjoy being just as "old" as me.

I Saw Him There

(One of those songs Dad sang... )

I gazed in awe, in wondrous adoration,
I asked myself, "Why should he come to me,
This one so pure, so holy and all gracious?
Why take my load and give me liberty?

CHORUS
I saw Him there, His hands,
In deep compassion,
Were stretched toward me.
I heard Him humbly say,
"Come unto Me, I am the resurrection,
Come unto Me, I am the Truth, the Way."

His hands were torn and in each palm there rested
A gaping hole for all the world to see.
My Lord, my God! I recognized my Savior,
It broke my heart, but He broke His for me.

He lifted me, in tender arms He bore me.
He cleansed my wounds and set me on my way.
He spoke the word, my chain was rent asunder,
Now He is mine and I am His always.

Sunday Scripture

Resurrection Sunday should be savored, but this year we are doing absolutely nothing special. I guess it's the mom's responsibility to make it happen, and I dropped the ball this time around... or maybe I dropped the basket. Nevertheless and in spite of my shortcomings, the tomb is empty and He is risen. Nobody needs jelly beans or chocolate to celebrate new life in Christ, and even without the fancy dinner my sins are still nailed to the cross and He's preparing a place in heaven for me.

Easter

There is a serious blog post simmering deep inside. It just hasn't bubbled up to the surface yet. Of course, in the midst of shouting children and endless eye drops, there is not much time to sit and actually organize my thoughts into any semblance of order. I haven't decided yet whether that is a good thing or not. Perhaps not getting my thoughts into words will keep me out of trouble, or at least prevent me getting into any more.

Yesterday was Easter. Since Mom was at Rachel's for the weekend, we went to the early service at church, stayed for breakfast, and then Sunday school and the regular church service too.  Midway through the afternoon we headed over to my sister Priscilla's house for an Easter dinner of ham and potatoes, bread, and tossed salad. There was some good conversation, and a yummy apple crisp with whipped cream for dessert. I ate too much (again) and thoroughly enjoyed the time with my sister.

Now we have a week off school and some wintery weather to contend with. I'm still optimistic that spring is close at hand though it certainly doesn't feel that way today. In fact, if I was into eating them, it just might be a very good day for baking cookies. 

Easter

It was a different kind of Easter. The family meal was small today... actually, the meal was not so small, it was the family. Just Ben, Hannah, James, and me. It felt weird...

We went to the early church service this morning, stayed for breakfast, and Sunday school. It was a gorgeous day, just the kind of day one always hopes for Easter. It would have been a wonderful day for an Easter egg hunt, but there were no small children to hunt them. James decided to go for a ride, but we left home without an idea of where to go. Not having a destination can be a problem. Not only is it frustrating for the driver, but it also means there are no directions to get wherever one finally decides they want to be... Somehow, after turning around close to a dozen times, we miraculously managed to find what we were looking for.

I think I would like to go back here someday and actually take a hike. We didn't walk very far, just far enough to find the old railroad tunnel under Interstate 90 that my father mentioned so many years ago in an old diary. He was just sixteen years old when he and his brother nearly had a fatal accident here. (See the story below) The Auburn Trail runs through private property and I found it to be quite pretty. Now that I know what I'm looking for, and where to find it, I think my sisters and I should go for a walk some day.

Resurrection

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. John 11:25

Happy Resurrection Day!

Resurrection Day

"He is not here, for He is risen." Matthew 28:6

A Different Kind of Day

Today was Easter Sunday, yesterday was my birthday. I was born on Palm Sunday forty-four years ago and recall only one other year when my birthday fell on this particular holiday. I was in second grade (I think). My dear daughter, Bethany, thought we should have a gathering. James figured Sunday was the better day. I wasn't sure whether I was cooking an Easter dinner or a birthday dinner...

I didn't get to church this morning. Hannah has had a sore throat for the past couple of days so I stayed home and fed her tea and Popsicles. We read the last two chapters of Matthew together. The rest of the family came around 1:30 pm and we had a lovely ham dinner with mashed potatoes and asparagus. (I made squash too but it didn't taste like it should have.) Bethany brought a beautiful cake and so later on we had cake and ice cream. Ben almost missed out because we counted wrong, eight instead of nine. Luckily we realized we were short one...

It was a nice day.

If You Don't Like the Weather...

If you don't like the weather, wait a minute.

The weather here is liable to do just about anything. This morning we woke to a snow covered Easter, not just a dusting but several inches. It has been below freezing now for about a week and the flowers, which were thinking about blooming a few days ago, are looking rather droopy and sad. I'm beginning to wonder if the daffodils can survive such a long cold snap. (Good thing I have plenty of pictures from last year.) Today the temperatures have finally gotten back up to freezing and the warming trend is forecast to continue.
So, today was Easter Sunday. We don't typically do Easter baskets with our kids but we had a very nice ham dinner after church this afternoon. Our kids and my parents were here, only Leta was missing as she had to work. We had some fun drawing together and Mom and Dad played the marble game with Beth and Adam. Now the boys and Hannah are watching old Roy Roger's movies with James while I sit here and write. My parents have gone home and so have Beth and Adam. Looks like it will be a quiet and relaxed evening. Mmmmmm.... time for a nice cup of tea!