My Holiday Rant (It's over now. I'll be good after this.)

Deep inside I want desperately to love the month of December, this holiday called "Christmas", and all the wonder of the season, but no matter how hard I try to alleviate the pressure of the season, it comes swinging back around to hit me in the face and send me sprawling.

Truthfully, I want to be child again, gazing up into a black winter sky in the cold of night, snowflakes falling. I want to be a little girl, or at least possess the excitement of one, looking forward to Christmas Eve and enjoying all the sights and sounds along the way; Christmas concerts and pageants, bustling

shoppers, trips to the mall, and hot chocolate. I want to forget about deadlines, cleaning, and planning. I want to wear boots and mittens and play in the snow while the Christmas lights twinkle through the living room window. I want to decorate the cookies Mom baked, sing "Away in the Manger" in the backseat of the car while Dad drives down a dark country road, and although fully aware that Santa Claus is pretend, I want to sneak a peek at him while a long line of patient children snakes around the barriers surrounding his throne. I want to be awe struck by lights displays and living nativity scenes. I want to pick up a present, shake it, and try to guess what might be inside...

...but I'm not the little girl anymore and I'm not sure exactly how this Christmas will unfold. I have some gifts and we've planned a party, but for a few days after Christmas rather than on the day itself. (We wanted to wait for Jim, Michele, and the baby.) I've never done Christmas this way, so I'm not sure what we'll do on Christmas itself...

And, for the third year, we have my mom, who is not into Christmas or the holidays. She doesn't travel well, even across town. We're not allowed to fold her up and put her in a box in the closet while we do our thing and there is nowhere to send her. (Yes, I do want to send her somewhere... and that's not meant to be mean or unkind, I just honestly don't know what to do with her while other out of town family members are here. Please don't send me condescending notes telling me how I should be ashamed of myself and how you feel "sorry" for my mom. You are not here and you are not doing the job of caring for her. She is not abused or neglected. This is life, and today I feel like being honest and transparent. Today I am tired of this job, maybe tomorrow I will feel invigorated again. Maybe.)

Now, since court has been adjourned and we will not be heading south to lend the support of our presence, I think will go and find some cookies to frost. That is Christmas-like. I'd even play a few carols if I knew how to work the CD player.