Tuesday, February 04, 2020

All That Stuff

How can it be Tuesday night already? And whatever happened to Sunday and Monday?

On Sunday morning I met with the woman who brought Celebrate Recovery to our church. I gave her some background information and told her what had brought me to the Step Study. I told her how after 41 weeks I had been asked to leave the group and how invalidated I felt. I told her it was like having the rug ripped out from under me. From our talk, I understand there were some Step Study guidelines I did not follow. I did not always have my homework finished. Apparently this is a requirement that was not enforced or talked about until I was asked to step out of the group. (This is why in an email I told the leader that "I'm willing to follow the rules, but I do need to know what the rules are in order to follow them." and "You are trying to hold me accountable to rules you didn't know existed, and that is not fair.")

Whether or not what I shared with CR Lady will make a difference (for anyone else), I do not know. What I do know is that talking with her helped open a different door in my heart and mind, a door God has been working to open for a while. I cried during the meeting. I tried not to but I did anyway. This woman was once my eleventh grade English teacher. Eleventh grade was hard. Not because she was my teacher, but because it was the year I became pregnant with my first baby. When the senior class was attending high school graduation, James and I were in my parents' back yard getting married... So many emotions... So much bottled up inside of me...

During the church service tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them. I forgot to bring any mascara with me, and by the time I got into my car, there wasn't a bit left on my face. I took an hour nap on the couch in the afternoon before a friend picked me up for another emotional meeting. (A story for another day.) My stomach was feeling sick and my head ached.

By the time I arrived home Sunday evening, I was literally ill. I texted my boss a warning and crawled into bed hoping I wouldn't throw up, and went to sleep at 7 o'clock. I was able to drag my tired and headachy, but not sick to my stomach, self to work Monday morning, and after a visit to the chiropractor that evening, came home mostly just exhausted. I went to bed at 9:30 pm and woke up feeling so much better this morning. I had a good day at work and didn't burn anything. (Yesterday I burned the broccoli. Oops.)

2 comments:

  1. I am sorry about the church group dismissal. We have always had some kind of 'homework/journaling' that was part of being in the group. It's too bad you weren't made aware of that. Keep on keeping on.

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    1. It is always hard for me to write out thoughts on paper, and harder still to get the thoughts flowing in response to an out f the blue question. It didn't help that my reason for being there was not a habit or a hang up, but a deep, emotional wounding/betrayal. But God knows all about that and He is still healing my heart and soul.

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