Expect the Unexpected, I Guess

I am tired of beginning the arduous task of unpacking the baggage only to get overwhelmed and throw it all back into the bags unsorted. I don't know how to do this alone, and I don't know who or how to ask for help. It's such an agonizingly slow process that I can't blame my friends and family for shying away, especially when each item in the bags holds such deep meaning for me. I don't mean to chase people away,... really, I don't... and I don't know how to heal. I've come so far and have so far to go. The problem is I don't know where I'm headed or what I might need in those bags.

In the Bible, the Children of Israel were led out of a life of slavery in Egypt, and into the wilderness where God promised to take care of them and lead them into the Promised Land. They started out bold and courageous, ready for the journey, but ended up grumbling, full of fear, and wanting to turn back. They knew what they had left behind, and it wasn't all good, but had little idea of what lay ahead. They longed for the leeks and cucumbers of Egypt, but had no clue about the milk and honey that waited for them in Canaan.

I keep looking backward... I keep seeing all I have left behind. I keep seeing the good and forgetting the pain. It's not that I can't forget, it's that I have a hard time remembering. I circled some words on the checklist of flaws and assets... apprehensive, afraid, avoidant, defensive, enabling, fearful, indecisive, timid... honest, cooperative, faithful, loyal, reliable, forgiving, loving, concerned for others, patient, willing to grow... Fear has crippled me. I am frightened of other peoples' opinions, of being alone, and of expressing my own ideas and opinions. I am afraid of making wrong choices, even when I have every reason in the world to make them. Why? Why is it that I am so afraid? Where in the luggage is that piece buried?

"Three to five years..." That's how long he told me it could take to work through these things. I'm three and a half years in and some days I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm working through anymore. I know I need to change my focus... I need to work on Martha... but I don't even know most of the time what that means.

I've been asked to drop out of my step study. I don't have my inventory written and often haven't finished my homework... I didn't see it coming. I thought I still had time.

This was unexpected. This is painful. I don't know where to go from here.