Forty-Two

In spite of the the teary April and melancholy May, this has been my best June in seven years. It came with all the same anniversaries but fewer overwhelming emotions. 

Sunday was Father's Day. I spent a couple of hours that afternoon with my son Nathan and his four children, Joe and Ben, and of course Hannah and Sergio and the boys. We had a late birthday party with cake for Logan who turned 4 on June 8, and strawberry shortcake for Nathan because he turned 33 on June 19.

Last night we met at the Webster Park Playground and made ice cream sundaes for Nate's birthday because everyone needs to be remembered on their special day, especially when it comes with sending your kids back home to Mom at the end.It was a good night and we got to see Sabrina for a minute too.

Today. I did okay with today, although every so often I feel tears just beneath the surface. It's okay to feel sad. It's healthy so long as I acknowledge the pain and don't stay there. It's been 42 years since James and I were married as 17 year old kids. It's not hard to love the pieces of him that are kind, loving, and funny. I can even love the sometimes angry James. He did so many things, big and small, to make me laugh or feel loved... I wish that was the entire story. I wish there hadn't been other pieces because I still love him in so very many ways.

I stopped at the church two weeks ago to drop off a roll of tape he'd left here when he helped me with the paneling upstairs. In the parking lot I ran into his friend Kathy getting something out of her car. They hang out together, have dinners and parties at her house, and keep each other company. She is a beautiful woman who I love and respect, but I hadn't seen her in several years. I called to her as I walked toward the door. When we met each other I gave her a big hug. I told her that I love her and she said the same. We went inside and I took the tape to James. When I was leaving the parking lot, Kathy came out to find me. "I want you to know," she said, "that Jim and I are just friends."
"It's okay," I told her, and it is. There is no one else on earth that I would want more to love and encourage my children.
Kathy is not young. She is older than us by10-15 years. Our being divorced has nothing to do with her. As far as I am concerned she is nothing but a sweetheart, much loved by the church body, and highly respected. Her late husband was the heartbeat of the church. I may be confused by the friendship between her and James, but I am okay with it too. I am relieved to have seen her, to have given her a hug, and to have talked. This is a big step in my healing.

June 19. Nathan's birthday and 4 years since our divorce was final. There's a bit of a sting in my heart tonight, a few tears, and a whole lot of healing. I am more than okay.

(Two posts this evening because I'm playing Catch-Up.)