Bits and Pieces

 * Physical therapy is going good. It makes me tired, but I know it will be worth it all in the end. I'm feeling so much better already. My only setback, just two appointments in, was jamming my SI joint when I fell off a balance beam at the park with my grandkids. I learned two things. 1. I don't have great balance anymore. and 2. It's pretty easy to jam my SI joint.

* It's summer at the daycare. It's not my favorite. Children of school employees are mostly off for the summer leaving us with reduced numbers. This means a whole lot of bouncing around from room to room and never knowing what to expect from day to day. I like to think of myself as flexible, but if I'm honest, I hate it. Plus, my time with my twins is limited. They are on vacation this week and I have no idea what the director's plan is upon their return. They have been known to move children to the toddler room as early as 15 months old... which they are.

* Smoky skies again. It's mostly a reduced visibility and reduced air quality. I'm not complaining. My home is not on fire and we are still able to go outside. My heart hurts for those who are actually affected in much greater ways. I can't even imagine.

Physical Therapy

 I started going to physical therapy a couple of weeks ago. The PT agreed with my doctor that I am suffering from sachroiliitis. I've been given some exercises to strengthen my glutes which in turn will help the tendons and ligaments in my back hold everything in place better, including my sacroiliac joint which has been acting up since this trip to Chimney Bluffs back in August of 2016. (Click here.) My foot slipped on some loose stones giving my back a quick twist and I felt a sharp pain in my right, lower back. I expected it to go away, but it has continued to hurt off and on through the years despite chiropractic treatment. I am hopeful this will take care of the issue and give me relief.

I am thoroughly exhausted this evening and have already fallen asleep reading an online article. I'm sure there are multiple factors contributing to my fatigue, one being physical therapy. Allergy season is in high gear with the cottonwood trees releasing their fuzzy fury upon us. Everyone has a cold and all the babies are boogery. On top of that, I get up quite early each morning and am attempting to wean myself off that afternoon cup of half caffeinated coffee (or large Dr Pepper).

It was a beautiful day. The lake must have been lovely tonight but I wasn't there to see. I came home fully intending to head back out again but ended up in bed instead. Ha ha!

Forty-Two

In spite of the the teary April and melancholy May, this has been my best June in seven years. It came with all the same anniversaries but fewer overwhelming emotions. 

Sunday was Father's Day. I spent a couple of hours that afternoon with my son Nathan and his four children, Joe and Ben, and of course Hannah and Sergio and the boys. We had a late birthday party with cake for Logan who turned 4 on June 8, and strawberry shortcake for Nathan because he turned 33 on June 19.

Last night we met at the Webster Park Playground and made ice cream sundaes for Nate's birthday because everyone needs to be remembered on their special day, especially when it comes with sending your kids back home to Mom at the end.It was a good night and we got to see Sabrina for a minute too.

Today. I did okay with today, although every so often I feel tears just beneath the surface. It's okay to feel sad. It's healthy so long as I acknowledge the pain and don't stay there. It's been 42 years since James and I were married as 17 year old kids. It's not hard to love the pieces of him that are kind, loving, and funny. I can even love the sometimes angry James. He did so many things, big and small, to make me laugh or feel loved... I wish that was the entire story. I wish there hadn't been other pieces because I still love him in so very many ways.

I stopped at the church two weeks ago to drop off a roll of tape he'd left here when he helped me with the paneling upstairs. In the parking lot I ran into his friend Kathy getting something out of her car. They hang out together, have dinners and parties at her house, and keep each other company. She is a beautiful woman who I love and respect, but I hadn't seen her in several years. I called to her as I walked toward the door. When we met each other I gave her a big hug. I told her that I love her and she said the same. We went inside and I took the tape to James. When I was leaving the parking lot, Kathy came out to find me. "I want you to know," she said, "that Jim and I are just friends."
"It's okay," I told her, and it is. There is no one else on earth that I would want more to love and encourage my children.
Kathy is not young. She is older than us by10-15 years. Our being divorced has nothing to do with her. As far as I am concerned she is nothing but a sweetheart, much loved by the church body, and highly respected. Her late husband was the heartbeat of the church. I may be confused by the friendship between her and James, but I am okay with it too. I am relieved to have seen her, to have given her a hug, and to have talked. This is a big step in my healing.

June 19. Nathan's birthday and 4 years since our divorce was final. There's a bit of a sting in my heart tonight, a few tears, and a whole lot of healing. I am more than okay.

(Two posts this evening because I'm playing Catch-Up.)

Dead Letter Office

I've started posts a couple of times but they didn't make it to the Publishing House. They're hanging out as drafts instead. It's kind of like the Dead Letter Office.

Recap-

* I ran into two friends a couple weekends ago. One at Wegmans and another at the lake. Big hugs. Love running into friends! Also ran into a once-upon-a-time friend who doesn't like me anymore. I gave her a smile and a quick wave, and realized that for the first time in a few years I didn't want to hide when I saw her. I'd call that a win.

* Spend a Sunday with my daughter Bethany and my grand- daughter Jillian. We went to breakfast at Simply Crepes and then for a long walk on the Genesee River Boardwalk from Turning Point Park almost to the Port of Rochester. Very cool!

* Caffeine headache last Friday. Those things are killers! 

* Stayed home from my Man Hater's Pottery group Friday night and hung out with my grandsons while Hannah and Sergio went out to get a new couch. It was a beautiful, relaxed evening.

That's the short version of the never to be published posts. Pictures from our a week ago Sunday walk.

A Few Thoughts

No lake trip this evening. It was probably beautiful and I probably missed running into a friend, but I didn't go tonight. I had an appointment at physical therapy where I saw a PT about the pain in my back. She agreed with the doctor's opinion that my sacroiliac joint is the cause of my lower back pain and has given me some exercises to strengthen my glutes. I am optimistic and eager to be rid of this pain in the butt.

The mind continues to roll and ponder. I will, in all likelihood, always carry some degree of cognitive dissonance regarding my divorce, but I am hopeful that these thought processes will no longer cripple me. I stopped at my old church to drop something off to James yesterday afternoon and ran into a couple of women from my old Ladies' Prayer group. One of them is especially dear. We shared a long tight hug and I told her I loved her. She is a great source of encouragement to my children and for this I am entirely thankful. I'm not entirely sure what to think when they tell me, "I'm praying for you." I said thank you, but deep inside I'd really like to know exactly what they're asking God to do... Ugh.

 I've been thinking the last couple of days about April and how it was so very sad for me. It's a month full of memories, but there is something else this year I realized I've been grieving and that is the loss of my favorite tulip, the one I moved from the farm when I came to live in my childhood home. I thought she was in a safe spot, but she was lost when Sergio moved the little Japanese maple tree from up by the house out into the yard. I knew back then that she was probably gone, but I'd held onto a shred of hope in her miraculous return. It's hard to admit something as simple as a flower could make my heart hurt, but she represented so much growth, healing and resilience that letting go is painful. It's not as though another can take her place. She taught me so many lessons and I am ever so grateful for the gift she was.

Our smokey skies have cleared. (We were under an air quality advisory for a couple of days due the Canadian wildfires in Ontario and Quebec.) There were puffy, white clouds and blue skies this afternoon. I can't even imagine what it must be like for those in the thick of it.

Ugh, My Favorite Word

It's time to renew my health insurance through NY State... and I make $4,000 dollars too much a year to qualify for free coverage. In order to keep my health insurance I have two choices. I can pay slightly reduced amount for insurance, or I can reduce my taxable income by $4,058/year. It comes out to be about the same either way. I could never figure this out on my own so I am grateful to both Pat, who brokers the health insurance, and Nick who takes care of my IRA, which is where the nearly $80/week will go. I am now left with creating a budget to insure all my expenses are covered, and finding ways to pay my current debts and reduce spending as well. (Having raised seven children I am somewhat familiar with this game...)

One sure fire way to reduce spending and save wear and tear on my car is to change jobs locations. If I were to secure employment within summer walking distance, say a mile or two away, I could save $180.00/month on gasoline and probably hundreds more on car repairs. I'd also save money on a gym membership, if I had one. Ha ha! I am currently looking into this option. I filled out an application. Another daycare center about a mile from home. Wish me luck or say a prayer.

The bedroom tunnel is looking longer but not as dark. It may never get finished, but it's finished enough to put back in some semblance of order. We can now access the attic and I can find my clothes and belongings. My bed remains downstairs and I am (mostly) okay with that. We're cooking up a downstairs plan too. For now the upstairs room will be a place for doing physical therapy exercises, sorting belongings, and finding alone time if needed. It looks bright and inviting and that makes me smile.

In other news, which isn't at all new or shocking, I went to the lake. It's been very calm recently so it was fun to see it kicking and screaming this afternoon. I came home with a ton of pictures, two slightly wet feet and a wet backside. So exhilarating!!!