Sometimes life throws you for a loop, and sometimes it tosses you head over heels, knocks the wind right out of you, and leaves you gasping in agony as you try to suck some air back into your lungs. A piece of me desperately wants to accept the comfort of denying the issues in front of me, and another part of me wants to run away and start life all over again. Neither one is a healthy choice. It's been a dark and difficult journey but I am making progress. Thankfully God has provided a wise but gentle counselor/therapist, a challenging support group, a few good books and resources, and a handful of faithful praying friends.
Last weekend was one of the hardest in my life and, at least for a time, I am not living at home. It's hard to write that, especially because deep in my heart one of my greatest fears is hurting those I love the most. Forgiveness is not the issue, I do not hate, and I love deeply, but along with love comes doing hard things. Sometimes we do them because it is needful for our own health and well being, and sometimes we do hard things because it is, or we hope it will be, beneficial to the other parties involved. At the moment lines of communication appear to be opening, and with them a much needed flow of tears.
I haven't run away. I am tucked under the eaves of my childhood home, in the bedroom my father built a lifetime ago for my brother Dan, the one I once shared with my sister Priscilla. The afghan Mom crocheted for me lays at my feet, and my daughter and her family sleep downstairs. This morning The Cabinetmaker brought a vase of flowers, some from his garden and some from the patch of weeds and wildflowers that grow between the barns and the apple orchard. We met at Moe's and shared a burrito for lunch. I don't know today where the journey will take us, but I do know the One who holds the future and we are in His care.
Please understand I am not trying to vilify anyone else or justify my own wrongdoing here. I'm just letting you know where we're at today.
In the Cross
2 hours ago