Bits and Pieces

 * It's been a strange week but I'm not totally certain I can tell you exactly why.

* I took Idris (Number Nine) to the lake on Sunday. Sticks, stones, water. He loved it! On Monday he asked if we could go back, so we did. Tuesday night he asked again, so back we went. Wednesday night I went alone. 

* I went to work a little early on Tuesday morning and was in the kitchen when one of my toddler friends was dropped off for the day. I saw his dad's and brother's backs through the open kitchen door. I can't remember what I was doing, but I didn't get the chance to greet them that morning. It was Wednesday morning when I learned of the drowning. My sweet little friend's dad jumped into the canal to rescue his dog and was pulled under by the current. He did not survive. The dog was able to get out on its own and the brother was unhurt. My heart is aching. 

* The firemen, who didn't have their carnival this year, pulled together a parade which we attended on Thursday evening. It was short and not all that sweet. Just a fleet of emergency vehicles, a few from two nearby towns, one or two floats, an ice cream truck, and a dance group. The theme was Christmas in July and when the parade was over a little boy next to us voiced his disappointment. "I didn't even get to see Santa Claus!" he protested. 

* We've completed two weeks of Two Daycare Centers Become One. We have plenty of staff, all we need is more children.The toddler rooms are hopping and we have an up and coming list of babies, but what we really need is to fill up the 3 and 4 year old rooms, and beef up the school age class. Our menu was interesting this week. I had to get creative a few times but nobody went hungry unless it was their choice.

* Our baby is a creeper. I mean he's crawling. On his hands and knees. He's only six months old but somebody forgot to tell him. He's quite happy with this newfound skill. Good thing Hannah ordered that new baby gate!

A Pocketful of Beach Glass

 Gentle waves slapped against sand and stones. I hadn't been home yet this evening, instead I took myself to one of the places that so often calms the anxiousness inside. A soft, cool breeze, the subdued, evening sun, the sound of moving water... I took a few photographs and picked a pocketful of wave worn glass from the ever-changing shore. Clear, white, green, brown. Children laughed and scampered about, dogs barked, and I picked glass.

I was early to work yesterday morning. Thinking I was expected at 7 am, I'd arrived half an hour early. I was in the kitchen, possibly unloading the dishwasher when they came in. Two little boys and their daddy. I saw the younger being dropped off at the toddler room door. Not long ago, perhaps a week or two, the little guy had climbed onto my lap for a morning snuggle after being dropped off for the day. Only they younger child stays, and soon the father and the 4 year old were out the door.

The daddy, conscientious and polite, always says hello or gives me a wave from his vehicle. Other teachers say the same, but I missed him yesterday. By the time I came out of the kitchen they were gone. Unknown to us, because we don't need to know everything, there were plans to take the older child fishing. They took their dog along... 

Today, two little boys are facing life without their daddy. He won't be coming home because he jumped into the canal to save their dog. The dog was able to get out of the water downstream on it's own, but once under the water, my little friend's dad, caught in the current, was unable to resurface. We are stunned and heartbroken.

The Barn Collective

My cousin Diana invited me to a bonfire, but the barn was calling for a picture...

Broken windows don't typically call to me, but these did.

 

This is a fabulous barn. I kind of wish I'd taken a closer look at it 30 years ago.

 

I don't have any stories other than it was packed full of stuff when the property was purchased over 30 years ago. The current owner has a big heart and told the previous one he had ten days to come get the contents or it would be considered the property of the present owner. They came and took what was of any value and left the junk, of course.  But that was a long time ago.

I didn't look inside, but I'm betting it's absolutely fantastic!

Pipe Dreams

"I want to move to the mountains, do pottery all winter, and gallivant all summer. It's a pipe dream."

"See!! Now you're thinking! It's not a pipe dream."

"Maybe not. It's one I probably can't do alone. Unless I inherit a windfall profit."

"I'd shoot for windfall."

"Ha ha! I'll do that. ... Except it wouldn't be much fun moving to the mountains alone. ... Who would make my coffee?"

"Hmmm. I gotta tell ya.. the thought appeals to me."

"Can you make coffee?"

"Ummm yes. It's easy. ... If you can count by two you can make coffee."

"I already make my own coffee every morning."

"Dude. You need a coffee butler."

"Will he talk to me?"

"Maybe"

"I suppose I could talk regardless... LOL!"

"Ha!!!"

"Probably more so after I drink the coffee." 

....

"My house in the mountains should have a cherry tree."

"And pears"

"You got it. ... I might need a wood stove too. I can stack wood and start a fire as long as the wood is already cut and split."

"Hmmm. I saw a guy this morning who tore his back up stacking wood."

"Yeah... I was just thinking about that. ... I can have my grandkids stack wood when they come to visit."

"Now you're talking."

 

This Barn

 From today's vantage point, although 50 years still sounds like an eternity, it also feels like yesterday...

I loved New Hampshire as a seven year old, and I loved it this summer too. The house felt so familiar, and walking into the old sitting room and through the downstairs bedrooms was like walking back in time. And then the barn...

I don't recall spending any amount of time inside the barn as a child, but it's presence was an integral part of the property's ambiance. Years ago there were parties there. I know not only because of the old piano, but because of Al's stories. His was a musical family, and especially his mother. Or maybe it was his grandma...

 

When I was in New Hampshire as a child, there  was an old grinding wheel in the yard outside. I was told it's still in the barn, and I saw it in a painting inside the house. It's a pretty fabulous old structure, weathered to perfection.

And over the barn's shoulder, in the clouds beyond the trees, is Mount Washington. Sometimes clear and visible, and sometimes shrouded in mist. 

I kind of love  this place.

PS. An update on last week's barn post. Years ago the giant barn was the Davis dairy farm where Al worked as a teenager during the summer when he stayed at his grandparent's summer home in Jackson, NH where I took the photos of today's barn.

The Barn Collective meets here.

A Couple of New Hampshire Barns

 New Hampshire is speckled with fabulous barns. It's very common in New England for the barn and house to be attached. I didn't get any fantastic pictures of those, but I did stop to take photographs of two wonderful barns in Jackson, New Hampshire. They're pretty fabulous if you ask me.

 I was told this place is known as the "Pitman Barn."  It sits well of Rt 16B just up road from the village of Jackson as one drives toward Black Mountain. I wish I could remember now if this was one of the farms my friend Al worked on as a young teen. I might have to ask. This gorgeous barn actually showed up in two videos I watched on the town of Jackson.

A bit farther toward Black Mountain Ski Area is this handsome spectacle. A huge, sprawling barn nestled on the side of the hill. I don't even recall if it had/has a name. Another question for Al. No matter, it's still an amazing specimen.

Front view so you can see the enormity of the structure and how it sits on a slope. New England barns are just fabulous! I could have wandered and taken pictures all day!
 

I'm joining Tom's party today at The Barn Collective.

Into the Clouds (A Trip Up Mt Washington)

We'd been watching the clouds on Mt Washington for days, checking the forecast, and hoping that perhaps things would begin to look a bit more hopeful for our scheduled ascent. The mountain came in and out of view, one moment hidden from sight and a few minutes later visible once again, but mostly shrouded in mist. We had checked so many times that unknown even to myself, I'd already become resigned to the very strong possibility of there being no view from the summit. There was no changing the tickets. They'd been purchased well ahead of time without any idea of what the future would hold. 

On Tuesday night I told Al that I wouldn't be disappointed if there wasn't a view on top of the mountain. "It is what it is," we decided. There wasn't anything we could do to change the weather and so we opted to make the most of whatever we were given.

It was clear (not raining) but cloudy when we got to the Cog Railroad Station. The summit was draped in clouds. We boarded the car prepared for cold, wind, and rain and we were not disappointed. LOL! The ride up the rail was fabulous, but once we entered the cloud, there wasn't much to see, at least not more than a few feet in front of us. It was easy to see how hikers can get lost and disoriented very quickly.

It wasn't exceptionally cold at the top of the mountain, but the wind was blowing at 49 mph with gusts up to 55. The rain felt like sleet where it hit my face. All I wanted was a photograph of myself on the summit with the Mt Washington sign behind me. Al had already given up on climbing the rocks in the wind and I was relieved he'd decided to sit it out. As I stepped from rock to rock I had to readjust my stance to compensate for the wind gusts. At one point I almost blew over, but I regained my composure, stepped in front of the sign, snapped a few cell phone pictures and headed back down to where Al was waiting. The whole adventure was quite invigorating! 

We had an hour to spend on the summit and so we checked out the national Weather Observatory Museum, poked around in the gift shop, mailed a postcard, and bought a cup of coffee. The descent was very similar to our arrival only backward, and the wind had relented slightly, blowing at 39 mph with gusts up to 48. We drove though thick clouds for a time and then we were suddenly beneath them.

We followed a steam engine out on a test run down the lower part of the rail and I was surprised by the memories the odor evoked. I haven't experienced a steam engine in 50 years and yet it felt like yesterday that I first smelled it. Fascinating! 

After looking at the cars and engines for a little bit, we made a quick tour of the gift shop and headed for the parking lot, hoping to beat the impending mountain rain showers. The Cog Railroad had been one of the main reasons for my return to the White Mountains and it was fabulous, even  in the fog, or maybe especially so.

New Hampshire and the White Mountain Adventure

 I've been having a fabulous vacation. It's only Al and I here at the farm. It's kind of like staying with a total stranger in some ways, except that he and his wife were friends with my parents many years ago. Fifty years seem such a short time when I'm looking backward...

He's a young almost 82 year old. It can be slightly disconcerting when he takes me to places where one has to watch their footing, but really the scariest place was on top of Mt Washington, and that mostly because the wind was gusting at 55 mph. 

It's a big house for just the two of us, but he says it's just as big when he's here alone. He doesn't actually live here. It's a family vacation home that his grandmother bought in 1908. I didn't know what to expect when I made my plans. My sisters were invited, but neither one was able to be here and so I've had all the attention, which come to think of it is highly unusual for me...

I arrived early Friday evening. On Saturday we went out to see the waterfall at Glen Ellis and Thompson Falls, and then he took me to see the little known George Washington Boulder just up the mountain from where we are staying and we checked out Flossie's Country Store. Before the day was done we took a short drive to Jackson Falls. There isn't much water due to the dry conditions this year but it was beautiful just the same.

On Sunday we drove the Bear Notch Rd to the Kancamagus Highway. There was a scenic overlook, a venture through Clark's Trading Post in Lincoln, a ride on the Hobo Railroad, and a drive through Franconia Notch to where the Old man of the Mountain once kept watch. 

Monday found us taking the Thorn Hill Rd to avoid traffic delays in North Conway. After a quick stop in Lowe's Al took me to Freyburg, Maine where he attended Freyburg Academy as a boarding student during his high school days. From there we drove north, threading in and out of Maine and New Hampshire up Rt 113 through Evans Notch all the way to Gilead, Maine. From there we went west on Rt 2 to Gorham, New Hampshire and then south on Rt 16 all the way back to Jackson. That was the evening we went to the Red Fox and shared a Fenway Pizza, and then took a walk down the road from the house since we'd been in the car most of the day.

We got up early Tuesday morning in order to leave the house by 8 am and be to Diana's Baths in time to find a parking space. It was a pleasant hike back into the woods where we found the most amazing waterfalls. I even took my shoes and socks off. Cathedral Ledge was the next stop where we drove up to a spot overlooking Echo Lake and the village of North Conway. Since it was still early in the day, we then drove south to Albany, New Hampshire and found the Madison Boulder. It's ginormous!That afternoon I ventured out by myself and stopped at both the White Mountain Puzzle Company and The Covered Bridge Gift Shop.

That brings us to today, which maybe I will write about tomorrow...

A Little Return to My Childhood

I stared at the picture on the computer screen in front of me and was filled with a mix of emotions... A space of open field, a woods of autumn trees, a sky full of clouds, and mountains in the distance. Yes, I knew who had posted the photograph. My reasoning told me it could have been taken anywhere, but my heart knew different. Even without turning around, I knew exactly where it had been taken, even though almost 50 years had passed since I was a little girl standing in that spot.

"Looking at this photo instantly took me back 50 years in time." I wrote, "It wasn't autumn when we stayed in the White Mountains with your family, but I still recognized it right away. I spent quite a bit of time playing alone in the back of the house while my little sisters and your little daughters played closer to the adults. I am amazed at how vivid the memories are all these years later."

Tomorrow a fifty year old dream will begin to come true as I travel back to the White Mountains of New Hampshire to meet the only living adult left from my time there as a child. My parents are gone and Al's wife Nancy is gone too, but Al remains and he has invited me to be his guest in the 8-bedroom farmhouse in the mountains.

I haven't made an itinerary. The only set plan we have is to ride the Cog Railway up Mount Washington. I hope the weather cooperates. This week I've begun to think perhaps this trip is part of a reckoning with a younger Martha. There is some unexpected emotion brewing inside and I am looking forward to Jesus healing apiece of my heart that maybe I hadn't realized was broken. I'm also looking forward to some fun and adventure. I'm "just a little" excited.

Bits and Pieces

* It's been a week since I posted anything. *horrors!*  

* The daycare (hopefully) is getting back into a normal routine, just in time for summer which will turn normal on its head all over again.

* I can't tell you often enough how much I love those snotty-nosed, sassy, naughty, wonderfully adorable little people who fill my work days. Last week I overheard my friend Sophia say, "Let's go in the kitchen (center) and pretend we're Miss Martha making lunch." How sweet is that? A little later I stepped into the classroom so their teacher could use the potty and a conversation ensued.

Sophia- "Miss Martha, what's for lunch?"

Me- "Ravioli."

She makes a face and says, "What else?"

Me- "Broccoli and cantaloupe."

Carissa, looking distressed replies- "I don't like any of those"

At this Sophia wrinkles up her nose, smiles a little, and says- "Yeah we don't like those roly polies."
They really are the best!

* I took my chiropractor's advice and ordered a pair of shoes. Oboz. I looked and looked for something I liked in my size, but couldn't locate them anywhere but Amazon. They finally arrived on Friday, a size and a half too big. I shipped them back via Kohl's and would have ordered another pair in the correct size, but they wouldn't have gotten here before I leave for my vacation. Instead I did another search online and found a nice pair of Merrells at Dick's Sporting Goods here in town.

* Saturday's weather was warm and humid. In the early afternoon I met my friend Adam at Mount Hope Cemetery in Rochester, NY and we went on a photo taking excursion. (You never know what you might find in a cemetery...) After we had traipsed about for a couple of hours, he left to take his mom out for dinner and I headed home where Hannah and I fixed up a dinner of our own.

* Nathan, my child Number 5 and fourth son, had his 31st birthday on Saturday. In years past, before he was stolen away by Sweet Sabrina, we always celebrated his mid June birthday with homemade strawberry shortcake. This year we decided to continue the tradition without him as Sabrina always has some kind of birthday plan for him and their little family. (It was delicious! Such a shame they missed out.)

* The 20th of June was Father's Day and also what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary... Sergio was working and I didn't have any plans, so Hannah, the boys, and I spent the day together. After lunch we met my friend Gail at Bruster's for a celebratory ice cream cone. It turned out to be a very pleasant weekend.

* After work today I took my car for an oil change in preparation for my up and coming drive to the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I'm just a tad nervous and a little more than a bit excited.

A Little Piece of Peace

This evening I took a ride down to the lake. I didn't expect the shoreline to be clean, and it wasn't. I only hoped the rain would hold off for a little while, and it did, but only for a very short while. In spite of the sprinkle of raindrops, the sky was magnificent! And I was blessed by a little band of ducklings swimming in the creek.

 

In my travels my phone let off a chime letting me know I had a message. I pulled into a parking lot to check my phone and found a text from my sister Rachel. It's been a very long time since we took a walk together. Tonight we walked and it was good.

Truth is Hard To Swallow

Forgive me a heavy post while I sort my thoughts...

My biggest regret in life is inadvertently teaching my children to tolerate and accept abuse. My greatest heartache is seeing the effects of my failure to teach them otherwise. I thought I was teaching them love and forgiveness. I somehow thought they would automatically and instinctively know what abuse looked like. I didn't realize they would come to view it as "normal." Instead of teaching them to choose healthy relationships, I modeled enabling, and I failed to protect them when they were abused. How often did I bite my tongue in order to avoid escalating a situation? How many times did I cover for him because of my own fear or embarrassment? How regularly did I tell myself "It isn't that bad" or "It could be worse"? Why didn't I realize how deep and long-lasting are the wounds of spiritual, emotional and mental abuse? How did I come to believe the lack of physical evidence equated the lack of actual abuse? How did I slip into focusing only on what was good in our family when in actuality so much was out of line?  The price is astronomical.

Today I have a divorce, but it took extenuating circumstances to get us here. I didn't arrive in this place without an incredible amount of inner conflict. It has been incredibly painful on every side. I have felt the crippling inability to respond, the suffocating agony of straddling disbelief and acceptance, and the fear of losing everything I loved including my relationship with my children. I have both kept silent and shared secrets, attempted to gloss over pain as well as expose it, and to be honest about our issues while not tearing down the other. It's an impossible balance and I fall multiple times on a daily basis. Sometimes I have a painfully difficult time getting up to try again.

When I walked away from my marriage, it was my desperate hope to set an better example for my children, but they were already grown. I finally saw a boundary that had to be enforced, even though there had been boundary crossings trampled long before. (Sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize the extent of what I have tolerated.) I am finally beginning to understand why outsiders are so furious with the "non offending" parent, even though I understand her place because I am her.

Where do I go from here? What can I do? It is impossible to travel back in time and do life over again, to make better past choices myself and set better past examples. I'm struggling to not make excuses for the younger me, while at the same time realizing that the younger Martha did the best she knew how to do. This is a painful process full of icky feeling emotions. My hands feel dirty but no matter how many times I wash them, I can't seem to get them entirely clean... And just when I feel utterly hopeless, God steps in to remind me that there is always hope with Him. I don't have to be an enabler. I can make better choices for the future. I can heal from codependence. I can be a better mom, grandmother, and friend.

Hello?

 It's come to my attention that I haven't written a blog in close to two weeks! Things have been a little hectic at the "office" since my return to work after the long Memorial Day weekend. Our lead toddler teacher has been out due to circumstances beyond her control, and so I was relieved from Kitchen Duty to fill in with our "older toddler" class. (They're all 2.) Our site director not only did her own office job, but somehow managed to get lunch out too. She's absolutely amazing!

I spent many "fun-filled" days with some of my favorite little people. They are feisty, sassy, and downright defiant, and I love them with all my heart. We spent hours on the playground and I gave out tons of hugs and kisses. I reprimanded, consoled, and encouraged and when I happened upon the babies down the hall, they looked at me as if to say, "Where in the world have you been?"

A little more than a week ago I finished my last pottery class, and two weeks ago I spent an evening at my cousin's house decorating a ceramic fairy door with several other women. They turned out fantastic! The installation might take some time, but stay tuned. It could happen.

Let's see... What else is going on? 

I went for a walk at Mendon Ponds with my friend Adam on Memorial Day, and spent this past Sunday afternoon at my son Dave's house. I've not been to the lake much as the algae has washed in making the beach gross.  Last evening I took myself for a walk.

I've been having a few back issues lately... Not sure if it stems from walking the shifting sands and stones of New Hampshire beaches, hefting toddlers, or something else, but my left foot has decided to tingle. I put a text in to my favorite chiropractor who looked at my back and gave me some stretches to help get  me back on track again. Growing up sure is interesting!

Walking, Walking, and Walking

 It can be tough to get started, but once I do I rather enjoy the walking.

I took another walk at Whiting Rd Nature Preserve last night. I walked the Orange Trail and stuck to it. It was a beautiful evening and I thoroughly enjoyed the time. As usual, I took a plethora of pictures.

This morning I met an old friend for a hike at Mendon Ponds. We avoided my favorite Birdsong Trail as it was crowded and full of families out for some fun. Instead we walked the trail surrounding the Devil's Bathtub, and those in the woods nearby. We hiked up and down hills, took pictures and chatted. It was the perfect day to hike the trails. Conversation was easy and comfortable. I feel refreshed and relaxed, aside from my sunburned lips.

 Late in the afternoon Hannah and I took Idris to Wegmans, the one in Webster, and we bought a picnic dinner which we ate in our favorite summertime place. The garage. After dinner was over we went for another walk. (I'm a little tired this evening. ha ha! My phone says I taken over 14,000 steps today.)

Back to work and The Littles tomorrow.I have my alarm set AND turned on.

Another Woods Walk, Because

 I took myself for a walk yesterday afternoon. I didn't go far, just a few miles down the road to a local nature preserve. 

Not sure what this evening will hold. It's been a laid back and lazy kind of Sunday as I stayed home with my daughter and the little guys. Feels like Saturday, even though it's not.

A Little Bit of This Week

 I'm growing and learning every day. Growing can be painful. As much as I don't like pain, it is an incredible motivator.

I woke up 45 minutes late this morning and had no time for my daily shower. I washed as quickly as I could and ran out the door without shampooing my hair. I had two appointments after work with no time to come home in between, or so I thought. My duties were over 15 minutes early, giving me just enough time to run home and wash my hair before heading out.

Chiropractor. He gives me my weekly hug along with a spinal adjustment. Today I asked him if feet make the back hurt or the back makes the feet hurt. My ankles have been bothering me since I came home from the beach... He asked a few questions, scoffed at my flip flops, and gave me a card for a pedorthist. "You won't call. I can tell," he said. Pish! I don't like sore feet. Maybe I'll call them tomorrow.

Therapist. It was a good talk. He asks hard questions and makes me think. He suggests doing things that go against what I naturally tend to do. He helps me look inside to see where my thoughts need to change. He encourages me to let others own their own feelings, and not to take on what isn't mine to carry. This is hard because I naturally carry the hurts, emotions, and responses of others. It doesn't mean I should lose all empathy, but it does mean I need to let go of what isn't mine. Things I learned in CoDA.

On Monday evening I found myself home alone. The lake has been stinky with the yearly die-off of small fish, and so I decided to take my camera and go to another place I love. I headed for the woods. It was a lovely evening, the smell of honeysuckle heavy in the air. I walked a familiar trail and took pictures as I went. Along the way a few bikes passed, and a man and woman walked together. I was not completely alone. My prize photo opportunity was a Pileated Woodpecker finding dinner in a downed log. It was quite fabulous!