Truthfully

Yesterday afternoon I was invited to go to the park with my daughter, her husband, and my little grandson. So often we cross paths and don't connect, but yesterday I went along. And I took my camera. While our little one explored the playground, another little one arrived. He looked at me, I looked at him, and we both thought the same thing. "I think I know you." It was Enzo, one of my little friends from work. It was a good afternoon. I'd been to church, seen my brother, and gone to the park.

I try to keep myself as busy as possible, because down time leaves me lonely and aching inside. I work, I go to church, serve in Sunday school, visit my brother every other week, attend my CoDA meeting on Mondays, and visit the pottery studio, but sometimes when I crawl into bed at night, I find myself just wanting to go home... This is one of those times.

I wish that it was simple, with no complicated issues clouding the way, but it isn't. It's not a matter of grudge bearing, unforgiveness, or me being selfish. Often what looks like unforgiveness or  selfishness to an outsider, is actually anything but. Deep inside I want what was, or what I thought was. I want to be blissfully unaware and naive. And then again I don't because that doesn't solve problems, it only perpetuates them.

Tonight I am teary and broken. The next couple weeks are going to be painful. I'm not sure I'm ready but I don't know what else to do. I pray to God He will carry me through, or reach through the heavens and lead me in a different direction if that is His will. I never wanted to be alone, but there are moments when I feel very much so. Tomorrow is a new day. There will be little ones looking for me. There will be hugs and kisses, and I will be renewed once again. What would I do without this job?