Tuesday, October 31, 2017

So, Yeah...

A friend recently asked how I was doing when I find myself alone. I answered that I was doing okay, and honestly, I am doing alright. Most days. But there are moments when a deep sadness washes over and I find myself lonesome and brokenhearted. The best way to describe the situation is "It's hard." There isn't a whole lot more to say.

I'm looking at life from a totally different angle than before. A perspective I've never previously experienced has emerged and I don't know what to make of it. The spines on life's books are no longer visible and I can't tell one from another. One day I'll make my way around to the other side of the table and be able to discern the titles and positions again, but I haven't quite made my way down the aisle and around the corner yet. Honestly, sometimes it can be tough to let the present view out of my sight and so I stare at the vertical edge instead..

Tonight I am tired, but I am making progress. I may not always be certain of the destination, I may need to set up camp and sit for a day or two, but I do know I'm headed in the right direction even if the path is winding. I'm climbing the mountain and mostly grateful for the slow upward climb. A steep grade would be insurmountable, especially with loose rock and unfamiliar terrain to traverse. Sometimes I need to stop and rest, or tie my shoe laces again, but I am moving forward. Today I am here. Tomorrow may find me in a new location with fresh sights and new hope, or perhaps facing dark shadows and more heartache. I hope and pray it is the former. I don't think I can handle anything more.

Much of where life takes us is in the decisions we make and whether or not we choose wisely. Today, and most days, I am petrified of making those decisions. but I won't go forward without them. I have a scripture verse here in my room, one from the book of Proverbs. I posted it a few weeks back. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Proverbs 2:11. I pray God grants me both discretion and understanding. I really need both.

1 comment:

  1. You are in my prayers, Martha. May he grant you all you need.